I wish I were a bird, so I could fly far away from here
I should know better then to think that I can go a day without fighting with mom. It's gotten to the point where I'd happily just get essentials and move into a hotel or something. Hell, I'd even live with Adam if there was room. I am that desperate to escape, and yes I feel like me moving out would be an escape. It shouldn't be, moving should be about me finally getting out on my own two feet, of liberation, but not escape. This used to be my home, now it feels like my prison. My room used to be my sancuary but not anymore. My mother will barge in uninvited. She has always done this but now she'll come in to yell at me. I'm messy by nature, it is hard for me to keep tidy no matter how hard I try. My room will see the mess (very small mess considering it's me) and tell me that she'll come in and throw everything out if I don't get it cleaned. I'm nearly 25 and my mother still uses scare tactics.
She will also bribe me like I'm twelve. If I don't want to go to somebody's house for Friday night dinner she'll say something like "we can go to Burger King first". Um, there's a few things wrong with that picture. First off, I don't eat at Burger King. The only fast food chain I'll go to is In & Out. Number two, I'm an adult, not a little child. I don't need to be bribed. Third, I don't have to go with her to dinner if I don't want to. I love those people but sometimes I just can't take them. The daughters look down on me for not being religious (though they aren't either really). With me, I choose not to be religious. With them, they pick what they want to follow and disregard everything else. That's fine, that's their decision but don't sneer at me for not wanting to marry an Orthodox Jew when you don't even keep Kosher! I just can't get into a relationship with an ultra conservative, I can't. They also sneer at me for majoring in something like anthropology and having a passion in the sciences. They think it's a waste of time. I'm supportive of Israel but I don't think it's the only problem in the world and I don't think that "the only good Arab is a dead Arab". I don't think Muslims are evil and the fights in Israel aren't the center of my world. How dare I be worried about people in central Africa and Darfur, how dare I worry about other people other then Israeli Jews. So yeah, I love them because they are nearly family but sometimes I can't take them.
It's been raining cats and dogs all day. Normally I take the trash cans in on Saturdays but I'm not about to do it in this rain. I was waiting for any break in the rain, or even for it to let up before I took them in. If it didn't let up, I would have just gone out and done it before the nigth end. My mom comes home from her night out with friends and shrieks at me for being lazy. It's not about laziness mom. I kept trying to get a word in to mention that if it didn't stop raining I would have taken them in before the night ended but she didn't let me speak. She had gotten me pizza with my money, I don't let her buy me stuff if I can help it since she'd hold it over my head. So anyway, she throws the pizza box at me where it lands with a splat. Still edible, I'm eating it now, but I didn't appreciate that. She billows around the house like a raging tornado, getting ready for bed. I'm on my bed eating and she bangs the door open, catching my toes with the door. My toes are cut and now a nice shade of red and blue and she goes "boo hoo" when I go to clean the splintered wood off of them. She basically tells me to "get the fuck out of my house and go to hell". Not unusual but still hurtful. Don't worry mom, I'll be gone. I'm going as soon as I can get a job to support myself. You won't have to worry about me anymore. She doesn't see her grandson because she's pissed at Adam. She's so selfish that she'll let her conflict interfere with getting to bond with her only grandson. I'm leaving this place as soon as I can and leaving the city all together as well. I can't leave the city for awhile, I'll have to make do by living in an apartment here in the LA area but as soon as I can, I'm gone. Arizona is number one on my list and if it weren't for the fact that my nephew is in Los Angeles and my cousin Ben might be coming to college here, I probably wouldn't come back here at all.
I love my mom and I know she loves me, but I need to escape for my sanity.
I hate how this journal is basically becoming my venting ground. This is a journal about my life and when all entries are depressing, that isn't good. I'll try to post more upbeat posts that have to do with my life so this isn't all gloomy.
She will also bribe me like I'm twelve. If I don't want to go to somebody's house for Friday night dinner she'll say something like "we can go to Burger King first". Um, there's a few things wrong with that picture. First off, I don't eat at Burger King. The only fast food chain I'll go to is In & Out. Number two, I'm an adult, not a little child. I don't need to be bribed. Third, I don't have to go with her to dinner if I don't want to. I love those people but sometimes I just can't take them. The daughters look down on me for not being religious (though they aren't either really). With me, I choose not to be religious. With them, they pick what they want to follow and disregard everything else. That's fine, that's their decision but don't sneer at me for not wanting to marry an Orthodox Jew when you don't even keep Kosher! I just can't get into a relationship with an ultra conservative, I can't. They also sneer at me for majoring in something like anthropology and having a passion in the sciences. They think it's a waste of time. I'm supportive of Israel but I don't think it's the only problem in the world and I don't think that "the only good Arab is a dead Arab". I don't think Muslims are evil and the fights in Israel aren't the center of my world. How dare I be worried about people in central Africa and Darfur, how dare I worry about other people other then Israeli Jews. So yeah, I love them because they are nearly family but sometimes I can't take them.
It's been raining cats and dogs all day. Normally I take the trash cans in on Saturdays but I'm not about to do it in this rain. I was waiting for any break in the rain, or even for it to let up before I took them in. If it didn't let up, I would have just gone out and done it before the nigth end. My mom comes home from her night out with friends and shrieks at me for being lazy. It's not about laziness mom. I kept trying to get a word in to mention that if it didn't stop raining I would have taken them in before the night ended but she didn't let me speak. She had gotten me pizza with my money, I don't let her buy me stuff if I can help it since she'd hold it over my head. So anyway, she throws the pizza box at me where it lands with a splat. Still edible, I'm eating it now, but I didn't appreciate that. She billows around the house like a raging tornado, getting ready for bed. I'm on my bed eating and she bangs the door open, catching my toes with the door. My toes are cut and now a nice shade of red and blue and she goes "boo hoo" when I go to clean the splintered wood off of them. She basically tells me to "get the fuck out of my house and go to hell". Not unusual but still hurtful. Don't worry mom, I'll be gone. I'm going as soon as I can get a job to support myself. You won't have to worry about me anymore. She doesn't see her grandson because she's pissed at Adam. She's so selfish that she'll let her conflict interfere with getting to bond with her only grandson. I'm leaving this place as soon as I can and leaving the city all together as well. I can't leave the city for awhile, I'll have to make do by living in an apartment here in the LA area but as soon as I can, I'm gone. Arizona is number one on my list and if it weren't for the fact that my nephew is in Los Angeles and my cousin Ben might be coming to college here, I probably wouldn't come back here at all.
I love my mom and I know she loves me, but I need to escape for my sanity.
I hate how this journal is basically becoming my venting ground. This is a journal about my life and when all entries are depressing, that isn't good. I'll try to post more upbeat posts that have to do with my life so this isn't all gloomy.