Madness
I have become a very, very private person. With the exception of two people, no one really knows who I am, how I think, nor what makes me tick. It is these two people that I hold lengthy conversations with. And it is with these two people that I always end up replaying the conversation hours, sometimes days later. Sometimes something the other person states causes me to pause. Other times, it is what slips out of my mouth that makes me take a step back. Yesterday; it was both.
"You were never held and petted as a child."
His words were simple and yet for some reason they startled me. 'Held and petted'? I remember stopping for a moment, replaying the first 16 years of my life for a few seconds to see if I could dispute that statement. I found I could not. I also found that I felt the very notion of it was discomforting. I pondered further and realized that as an adult, the only time I was okay with being held or cuddled was when I was very drunk, very, very tired, or in a devastating emotional state. Otherwise, I'd much rather enjoy my personal space. To allow someone to hold me is to allow them to get close to me on more than a physical level. Quite frankly, that idea terrifies me.
The words that slipped from my lips later in the evening surprised me even more.
Him: "I'm sorry you never knew love as a child and I'm sorry you had to go through the things you did."
Me: "I'm not. It taught me how to better prepare for my life as an adult."
Him: "I think your perception is skewed. I think that if you were loved more as a child, you would see things differently."
Me: "Oh, really? Then tell me how else I should 'perceive' your family always treating me like I am worthless."
He shut up then. The conversation was over because he had no answer. But I thought on it as I went to sleep. How my childhood experiences shaped me and prepared me for the things I still deal with today. If I had been brought up in the text-book perfect loving family, would I be able to handle what I am now faced with on a day-to-day basis? Somehow I doubt it. I have seen people crumble in the face of adversity despite they had grown up in a very loving family..
I am not sorry I never really knew love as a child. And I am not sorry I had to go through many of the things I did. Do I wish I had a better childhood? Of course I do. But I am not sorry for it. I am actually glad for it. People in the grown-up world are horrible, selfish, self-centered creatures.
"You were never held and petted as a child."
His words were simple and yet for some reason they startled me. 'Held and petted'? I remember stopping for a moment, replaying the first 16 years of my life for a few seconds to see if I could dispute that statement. I found I could not. I also found that I felt the very notion of it was discomforting. I pondered further and realized that as an adult, the only time I was okay with being held or cuddled was when I was very drunk, very, very tired, or in a devastating emotional state. Otherwise, I'd much rather enjoy my personal space. To allow someone to hold me is to allow them to get close to me on more than a physical level. Quite frankly, that idea terrifies me.
The words that slipped from my lips later in the evening surprised me even more.
Him: "I'm sorry you never knew love as a child and I'm sorry you had to go through the things you did."
Me: "I'm not. It taught me how to better prepare for my life as an adult."
Him: "I think your perception is skewed. I think that if you were loved more as a child, you would see things differently."
Me: "Oh, really? Then tell me how else I should 'perceive' your family always treating me like I am worthless."
He shut up then. The conversation was over because he had no answer. But I thought on it as I went to sleep. How my childhood experiences shaped me and prepared me for the things I still deal with today. If I had been brought up in the text-book perfect loving family, would I be able to handle what I am now faced with on a day-to-day basis? Somehow I doubt it. I have seen people crumble in the face of adversity despite they had grown up in a very loving family..
I am not sorry I never really knew love as a child. And I am not sorry I had to go through many of the things I did. Do I wish I had a better childhood? Of course I do. But I am not sorry for it. I am actually glad for it. People in the grown-up world are horrible, selfish, self-centered creatures.