And what costume shall the poor girl wear to all tomorrow's parties
Sanity vs Reality:
Ecamer and I talked a bit about stuff last night and this morning.. and if it was supposed to make me feel any better, it failed miserably. If anything I feel worse. We had plans today but I feel like hiding more now then I ever did. He went to the inlaws and took Kindergoth with him to give me some time alone. Told me to call if I wanted him to come get me. At this point I don't know if I will take him up on the offer or not. Depression seems to have crept up on me in my sleep and still lingers, hovering over me like dark cloud.
Everyone always says they "just want me to be happy".. and then they say things that hurt me. So I end up being anything but happy. And I know they don't mean to.. it's just the way it turns out at times. That's just the way things are.
Spacey has called three times already this morning in addition to the two times last night. I am avoiding answering because I just don't think I can handle a conversation with her right now. Ecamer says I need to make a solid decision instead of just running away... I know I am being a coward, but at this point I really don't care. Course, right now nothing seems more attractive then just dropping off the face of the earth.
He also says that he is watching me become increasingly detached. :/
I guess that's true.. I feel like once again I have lost all my 'friends' at once.. Though it was nothing like last year. He's worried and a little annoyed at me, but I can't help the way I feel. I could push forth the excuse that the holidays are always rough for me and that the anniversary of Trevor's death is fast approaching, as is the one of Kimberly's... But it seems so lame at this point. I have a really, really hard time letting go. I know this. No one has to try to convince me. I am definitely doing a lot better this year then last.. I actually have been able to feel like holiday shopping.
I don't know.. I'm not making any sense whatsoever.
Anyway.. picture. I feel like I will be putting the mask back on. People do not like the truth, I have found. They'd much rather have pretty lies despite what they may tell you... That's fine, it's much easier for me anyway.
Besides, misery often breeds creativity.. and that's what I wanted, right? To be creative?
Ok.. done being emo now. Heh...
EDIT:
I really wish the ice-rink here was still open. Ice-skating would really be healing and soothing for me right now I think.
Ecamer and I talked a bit about stuff last night and this morning.. and if it was supposed to make me feel any better, it failed miserably. If anything I feel worse. We had plans today but I feel like hiding more now then I ever did. He went to the inlaws and took Kindergoth with him to give me some time alone. Told me to call if I wanted him to come get me. At this point I don't know if I will take him up on the offer or not. Depression seems to have crept up on me in my sleep and still lingers, hovering over me like dark cloud.
Everyone always says they "just want me to be happy".. and then they say things that hurt me. So I end up being anything but happy. And I know they don't mean to.. it's just the way it turns out at times. That's just the way things are.
Spacey has called three times already this morning in addition to the two times last night. I am avoiding answering because I just don't think I can handle a conversation with her right now. Ecamer says I need to make a solid decision instead of just running away... I know I am being a coward, but at this point I really don't care. Course, right now nothing seems more attractive then just dropping off the face of the earth.
He also says that he is watching me become increasingly detached. :/
I guess that's true.. I feel like once again I have lost all my 'friends' at once.. Though it was nothing like last year. He's worried and a little annoyed at me, but I can't help the way I feel. I could push forth the excuse that the holidays are always rough for me and that the anniversary of Trevor's death is fast approaching, as is the one of Kimberly's... But it seems so lame at this point. I have a really, really hard time letting go. I know this. No one has to try to convince me. I am definitely doing a lot better this year then last.. I actually have been able to feel like holiday shopping.
I don't know.. I'm not making any sense whatsoever.
Anyway.. picture. I feel like I will be putting the mask back on. People do not like the truth, I have found. They'd much rather have pretty lies despite what they may tell you... That's fine, it's much easier for me anyway.
Besides, misery often breeds creativity.. and that's what I wanted, right? To be creative?
Ok.. done being emo now. Heh...
EDIT:
I really wish the ice-rink here was still open. Ice-skating would really be healing and soothing for me right now I think.