Deep Breaths.
I know I should be updating my fic, or at the very least finishing my essays for my college apps, but fuck it. I am so... what's the word? Angry. I am angry. I am furious. I am fucking livid.
My mother just needs to go somewhere else for all of the Christmas break because I, honestly, which each passing minute matricide is becoming a much more attractive option.
I really need to calm down and stop being so fucking angsty. I hate feeling like a teenager and saying "Oh, I hate my parents! They just don't understand me!" all that 'woe is me' shit. However, I know that is exactly what this sounds like though and at this point I might as well except it. Oi.
"Why don't you just go fuck some women!" I know she didn't mean it. She wasn't even angry with me; I just happened to be there. It's just that that is the first place she goes to attack me is so... awful. So...just unbelievable. Now understand that she yelled this at me in June - months ago, but apparently I have been repressing my anger and today I kind of stumbled upon it. When I look at her I just want to yell and scream. My fists literally curl when she touches me - my own mom. I just can't.... God I'm pissed. What gives her the right to go there? Where does she get off judging my fucking choices in MY PRIVATE life?
And she keeps telling me to tell my Republican father that I have dated some girls. I banked on the fact that my mother was going to have my back and actually support me. So the parent that yells "Sara just go fuck some women" is the supportive one?!?! What. the. fuck.
Fuck that shit. I am not going to ruin my relationship with me and my father just so she can feel better or whatever the reasoning is. Fuck her.
God I am really angsty. I hate it. I used to just sit in my room and do nothing, but now I am drinking every night and going out with friends to parties or wherever just to get out of this fucking house! I don't even recognize myself. I am not even really having fun, but it is better than being here.
Actually, I started dating my friend Katherine. She is just wonderful and makes me feel fantastic. If I could just live with her that would be nice. I actually hang out with her and am not exhausted. It is crazy! ... I haven't told my mom even though I promised her I would if I started dating again. I felt bad, but then I kind of "remembered" the anger and just fucking hurt of her comment and remarkably I feel ok about not telling her.
I just want to go home. That feeling of safety and warmth. I miss it so much. I am so angry and hurt and everyone I thought supported me doesn't really. That is a hard realization to face. I...want my mom to say she is sorry and tell me that she completely understands and supports my choice. I want Jeff and Katie to side with me instead of trying to say that she didn't mean it and I can't believe that. I just want some support. I want home so bad it aches - the worst part is that I am sitting in my bed in my house. Just let me out. Please. please....
A small update from the angst mobile. Oi ve. I promise one update before the new year. Hopefully!
w.w.w.
My mother just needs to go somewhere else for all of the Christmas break because I, honestly, which each passing minute matricide is becoming a much more attractive option.
I really need to calm down and stop being so fucking angsty. I hate feeling like a teenager and saying "Oh, I hate my parents! They just don't understand me!" all that 'woe is me' shit. However, I know that is exactly what this sounds like though and at this point I might as well except it. Oi.
"Why don't you just go fuck some women!" I know she didn't mean it. She wasn't even angry with me; I just happened to be there. It's just that that is the first place she goes to attack me is so... awful. So...just unbelievable. Now understand that she yelled this at me in June - months ago, but apparently I have been repressing my anger and today I kind of stumbled upon it. When I look at her I just want to yell and scream. My fists literally curl when she touches me - my own mom. I just can't.... God I'm pissed. What gives her the right to go there? Where does she get off judging my fucking choices in MY PRIVATE life?
And she keeps telling me to tell my Republican father that I have dated some girls. I banked on the fact that my mother was going to have my back and actually support me. So the parent that yells "Sara just go fuck some women" is the supportive one?!?! What. the. fuck.
Fuck that shit. I am not going to ruin my relationship with me and my father just so she can feel better or whatever the reasoning is. Fuck her.
God I am really angsty. I hate it. I used to just sit in my room and do nothing, but now I am drinking every night and going out with friends to parties or wherever just to get out of this fucking house! I don't even recognize myself. I am not even really having fun, but it is better than being here.
Actually, I started dating my friend Katherine. She is just wonderful and makes me feel fantastic. If I could just live with her that would be nice. I actually hang out with her and am not exhausted. It is crazy! ... I haven't told my mom even though I promised her I would if I started dating again. I felt bad, but then I kind of "remembered" the anger and just fucking hurt of her comment and remarkably I feel ok about not telling her.
I just want to go home. That feeling of safety and warmth. I miss it so much. I am so angry and hurt and everyone I thought supported me doesn't really. That is a hard realization to face. I...want my mom to say she is sorry and tell me that she completely understands and supports my choice. I want Jeff and Katie to side with me instead of trying to say that she didn't mean it and I can't believe that. I just want some support. I want home so bad it aches - the worst part is that I am sitting in my bed in my house. Just let me out. Please. please....
A small update from the angst mobile. Oi ve. I promise one update before the new year. Hopefully!
w.w.w.