BSG fic: "Destiny's Rejects: A Cautionary Tale"
Wow. SO much love to everyone who replied to my locked post earlier. The day actually got better after that, and though I could explain more of the context behind the whole scene, I'm in full-on avoidance mode right now and just want to put it behind me. I'd planned to disable comments on that post, but I forgot. Now I'm glad, because all of your support made me feel so much better. I love y'all.
Tonight I decided to cheer myself up by writing silly crackfic based on those new BSG spoilers. I'm putting the fic headers behind a cut-tag, because even those are spoilery. So, if you're a spoiler-virgin, do NOT read this. And if you do read this, well, let's just say I had a little too much to drink after work. Blame Credit for encouraging me to write this goes to greycoupon. *mwah*
Title: "Destiny's Rejects: A Cautionary Tale"
Rating: R
Characters: Kara/Leoben
Spoilers: Through S3
Summary: Kara + Leoben + Baby = crazy hijinx!
+++++
Leoben had pulled some seriously whacked-out shit since they started shacking up. She'd learned to live with his interior decorating inspired by the many shades of beige. He tried to bring in a Simon clone as a maid, but she - or, rather, her fists - won that argument. The sex was great... until he would get all mystical on her ass. Sometimes literally.
But this? This was beyond the pale.
"What the frak is that?" She stared at the squirming thing in his arms.
He smiled at her and licked his teeth like he was about to eat it. "This is our child, Kara."
"Like hell!"
"Nice to see you finally recognizing God's destiny for those who do not believe. But no," he held it out to her, "she's our baby. Created in a dish, yes, but made from you and me."
Brain careening toward meltdown stage, she started to babble. "I thought Sharon said love was the missing ingredient, like baking soda or whatever, and I definitely don't love you," she sneered.
"Don't compare our child to baking soda."
"Shut up." She leaned in and peered at the thing. It was very blond, but too chubby to see any evidence of cheekbones. Then it screeched and spit up all over Leoben. Okay, maybe it was her kid.
"What's its name?"
"Kacey."
Kara did a double-take. "What the frak? That's a stupid name. She's supposed to be Artemis or Hestia or whatever. Not frakking Kacey. How the hell is she going to grow up as a warrior with that name?"
"Names are irrelevant to God's plan for her."
"You're such an asshole." She crossed her arms and stared at Kacey. "Poor kid. Your life is really gonna suck."
+++++
She was going to punish him by withholding sex, but then he did that thing to her neck, which made her want to punish him in a very different way. But they'd busted their third pair of handcuffs last week, and besides, he got off on bondage. So.
Just as he was going to town between her legs, the baby started wailing. Shit.
Kara shoved his head away and groaned. "Didn't you just change her diaper?"
"Yeah. She must be hungry."
"Then get your ass over there and feed her."
Leoben gave one of her breasts a very deliberate squeeze, so she socked him in the jaw. "Thanks to the obvious milk-supply issues related to me not giving birth recently, right now my rack is for strictly decorative purposes." She yanked a shirt over her head. "And your world just got decorated for the last time, idiot."
They both got out of bed and stared down at the cardboard box-cum-bassinet, where Kacey's fists flailed like she was planning to take down the whole toaster army. That made Kara smile, just a little bit.
"What are we supposed to give it?"
Kara shrugged. "Tea?"
"Babies don't drink tea."
"Yeah, well, she's not exactly the most normal baby ever, is she?"
"Point taken."
The baby kept on crying. Kara waited for her maternal instinct to kick in, but all she got was heartburn.
Finally, she shoved Leoben toward the door. "Go find something to feed her."
He glared at her for a minute before opening the door, once again proving that she had him well and truly whipped. As he walked away, she yelled out, "Next time you bring home a kid, don't forget to bring a cow, too!"
+++++
Leoben took to the daddy thing like a pro - probably because she threatened to hack off his dick if he didn't. Suited her just fine, since the baby's head was the same size as a pyramid ball, and sense memories could be a bitch. She'd have enough to answer for when she finally bit it, and last thing she needed was to explain to the Gods why she'd accidentally tossed her daughter through a metal hoop.
She hated housecleaning, but she'd sure as hell rather do it than cuddle and coo and all that shit. So she baby-proofed the cabin while Leoben played with the kid.
He stared at her while she piled knives and guns and bottles of ambrosia into a padlocked cabinet. "What, you think Kacey's gonna crawl over there, get drunk, and stab us in our sleep?"
"She's your kid. I wouldn't put it past her."
He rolled his eyes. "And she's your kid too, so it's probably best to save the booze until her hands are big enough to hold the sippy cup on her own."
"Frak you."
The kid laughed or had gas or whatever. "See?" Kara crowed. "She likes me better."
He ignored her and went back to cooing. It was both disturbing and kind of cute. Kara shrugged, opened a bottle, and took a long swig. Parenthood and alcohol went together quite well, she'd learned. Then again, alcohol went great with a lot of things.
+++++
"What is that?"
Kara turned around to see him leaning on the doorframe, bouncing Kacey in his arms. She gave them a huge grin. "I'm decorating the nursery!"
"I figured as much." With his free hand, he pointed toward the wall. "What the hell are you painting?"
She crossed her arms and surveyed her masterpiece. "It's a mural depicting the eventual destruction of the Cylons. See that cute little blond warrior? That's Kacey! She's slicing and dicing all the toasters, one by one. I'm really proud of this bit." She pointed toward a figure vaguely resembling Simon, cowering in fear.
Leoben glared at her. "Have you forgotten that Kacey is half-Cylon?"
"Just her sucky half." Kara reached for the baby, who smiled up at her. "See, Kacey? You're my cute little Artemis, aren't you?" That made her stop and frown. "Except for the part about you being Apollo's twin. Um, let's not go there."
Dad growled and walked out of the room. Kara danced around with the baby, getting paint all over her chubby little cheeks. No big deal, though - Leoben could wash it off later.
"Tomorrow I'll paint you up in a Viper. You're gonna be a kickass pilot someday, sweetie. Well, okay, not as good as me, but still kickass."
The baby just wriggled and laughed, and Kara cuddled her a bit closer. It felt kind of good.
+++++
Parenting was hard work. Okay, yeah, Leoben was doing most of the work, but it was still hard.
She flopped back on the bed and listened to him tell the baby a bedtime story.
"God loves all His children, especially you, Kacey. Once you're old enough to accept His plan for your life, I'll take you down to the river where we can watch the spiritual manifestations of our souls swim down the current of righteousness."
She thought about smacking him down, but she was too damn tired. So she pulled a pillow over her face and drowned out his crap. Tomorrow, she'd start raising her child as an atheist. The Gods would understand.
+++++
The baby finally went to sleep, which was great because it'd been way too long since Kara'd gotten laid, and she was willing to forgive Leoben his Cylon mystical crap long enough for him to frak her.
The sex itself was only slightly better than her left hand, but she'd learned to live with mediocrity. She closed her eyes and pictured someone else's face, and that got her hot and bothered enough to enjoy herself. And just as she climbed toward orgasm, she panted, "Lee! Oh, gods, Lee!"
He froze beneath her. She blinked. "Uh, Lee... oben!"
Too late. Leoben pulled out and sat up. "I see the truths behind your false words."
"Go to hell."
The baby started crying. Perfect.
Late-night diaper changes were his job, but last thing she wanted was to stay in this bed with him. She got up and reached for the washcloths and diapers. Kacey kept on wailing after the change, though, so Kara pulled on some clothes and carried the baby out the front door, where they could both scream their hearts out.
Leoben followed her outside. "Where are you taking my child?"
"Uh, last time I checked, she was my child, too."
"Could've fooled me, Mother of the Year."
"Go commune with your precious streams and all that shit. Kacey and I are busy bonding."
When she looked over her shoulder, he was practically vibrating from anger. Back when they first met, that would've scared her. Now she knew how impotent his rage really was. She could take him down, even with the kid in a sling around her neck. So she kept on walking.
Behind her, he shouted, "That kid is mine too! I jerked off in a cup for it! Doesn't that MEAN anything to you, bitch?"
"Oh, please. Judging from past performance, I'm surprised you were even able to get it up long enough for that sperm sample."
Over her laughter, she heard him whine, "C'mon, Kara. I was thinking about you the whole time!"
"You're sick."
"I'm a Cylon."
"Same difference."
She held the baby at arms' length. "Hey, Kacey. When you become that kickass Viper pilot, your callsign is going to be 'Daddy's Little Teacup'!"
Leoben stomped up the porch steps and slammed the door behind him.
Kara just kept on laughing. "Yeah, Daddy loves you and Mommy so much that he didn't even need porn to make you!"
Kacey stared at her with a rather disconcerting expression on her three-month-old face. Frak. Kara didn't want to think about what life was gonna be like when the kid was old enough to actually understand what the hell they were saying to her. Eh, Kara's childhood had been seriously frakked-up. Made sense that she'd do the same to her own child. She'd call it the Circle of Life, but that was Leoben's job. So she bounced the baby and brainstormed other future call signs. Frakked-up chicks made the best pilots, anyway.
+++++
They sat on the floor and watched Kacey roll around on a blanket. Four months old, and she was slowly starting to get a personality. Unfortunately, most of that personality involved behaving very well while giving her parents self-righteous looks. Kara wondered if maybe the Farm had screwed up and accidentally used Lee's sperm.
"Why'd you dye all her clothes black? She looked cute in pink."
Kara ground her teeth. "Oh, please. Like I'm gonna dress my kid in ugly gender-specific colors. Kacey hates pink."
"She's four months old. She's got enough problems without you making her wear black. What, are you planning to teach her how to write bad poetry?"
"Kacey's poetry will be a hell of a lot better than that crap you recite."
He stared at her for a minute, then burst out in laughter. Kara couldn't help grinning a little, too. They all just sat there, playing Happy Frakking Families. "Wow, the Lords of Kobol must really be twisted to think we could raise a decent kid."
"This is all part of God's plan, Kara. You know that."
"Then your idiot God sure needs a better project manager."
Kara reached over to pick up the baby, who wriggled and pulled at the long blonde hair that Kara kept forgetting to cut. She was still small and whiny, but she had broad shoulders and long legs. Definitely had potential. Kacey was starting to grow on her, though now more like a nice little bonus instead of the bad rash she'd been at the start.
Leoben patted the baby's head and smiled. "God loves all His children."
"Yeah, well, the Gods had better love Kacey a whole lot, because as long as she lives with us, this poor kid is doomed."
+++++
End (1/1)
(Edited because as much as I might love the word "fucking", the characters prefer a cheesy alternative.)
Tonight I decided to cheer myself up by writing silly crackfic based on those new BSG spoilers. I'm putting the fic headers behind a cut-tag, because even those are spoilery. So, if you're a spoiler-virgin, do NOT read this. And if you do read this, well, let's just say I had a little too much to drink after work. Blame Credit for encouraging me to write this goes to greycoupon. *mwah*
Title: "Destiny's Rejects: A Cautionary Tale"
Rating: R
Characters: Kara/Leoben
Spoilers: Through S3
Summary: Kara + Leoben + Baby = crazy hijinx!
+++++
Leoben had pulled some seriously whacked-out shit since they started shacking up. She'd learned to live with his interior decorating inspired by the many shades of beige. He tried to bring in a Simon clone as a maid, but she - or, rather, her fists - won that argument. The sex was great... until he would get all mystical on her ass. Sometimes literally.
But this? This was beyond the pale.
"What the frak is that?" She stared at the squirming thing in his arms.
He smiled at her and licked his teeth like he was about to eat it. "This is our child, Kara."
"Like hell!"
"Nice to see you finally recognizing God's destiny for those who do not believe. But no," he held it out to her, "she's our baby. Created in a dish, yes, but made from you and me."
Brain careening toward meltdown stage, she started to babble. "I thought Sharon said love was the missing ingredient, like baking soda or whatever, and I definitely don't love you," she sneered.
"Don't compare our child to baking soda."
"Shut up." She leaned in and peered at the thing. It was very blond, but too chubby to see any evidence of cheekbones. Then it screeched and spit up all over Leoben. Okay, maybe it was her kid.
"What's its name?"
"Kacey."
Kara did a double-take. "What the frak? That's a stupid name. She's supposed to be Artemis or Hestia or whatever. Not frakking Kacey. How the hell is she going to grow up as a warrior with that name?"
"Names are irrelevant to God's plan for her."
"You're such an asshole." She crossed her arms and stared at Kacey. "Poor kid. Your life is really gonna suck."
+++++
She was going to punish him by withholding sex, but then he did that thing to her neck, which made her want to punish him in a very different way. But they'd busted their third pair of handcuffs last week, and besides, he got off on bondage. So.
Just as he was going to town between her legs, the baby started wailing. Shit.
Kara shoved his head away and groaned. "Didn't you just change her diaper?"
"Yeah. She must be hungry."
"Then get your ass over there and feed her."
Leoben gave one of her breasts a very deliberate squeeze, so she socked him in the jaw. "Thanks to the obvious milk-supply issues related to me not giving birth recently, right now my rack is for strictly decorative purposes." She yanked a shirt over her head. "And your world just got decorated for the last time, idiot."
They both got out of bed and stared down at the cardboard box-cum-bassinet, where Kacey's fists flailed like she was planning to take down the whole toaster army. That made Kara smile, just a little bit.
"What are we supposed to give it?"
Kara shrugged. "Tea?"
"Babies don't drink tea."
"Yeah, well, she's not exactly the most normal baby ever, is she?"
"Point taken."
The baby kept on crying. Kara waited for her maternal instinct to kick in, but all she got was heartburn.
Finally, she shoved Leoben toward the door. "Go find something to feed her."
He glared at her for a minute before opening the door, once again proving that she had him well and truly whipped. As he walked away, she yelled out, "Next time you bring home a kid, don't forget to bring a cow, too!"
+++++
Leoben took to the daddy thing like a pro - probably because she threatened to hack off his dick if he didn't. Suited her just fine, since the baby's head was the same size as a pyramid ball, and sense memories could be a bitch. She'd have enough to answer for when she finally bit it, and last thing she needed was to explain to the Gods why she'd accidentally tossed her daughter through a metal hoop.
She hated housecleaning, but she'd sure as hell rather do it than cuddle and coo and all that shit. So she baby-proofed the cabin while Leoben played with the kid.
He stared at her while she piled knives and guns and bottles of ambrosia into a padlocked cabinet. "What, you think Kacey's gonna crawl over there, get drunk, and stab us in our sleep?"
"She's your kid. I wouldn't put it past her."
He rolled his eyes. "And she's your kid too, so it's probably best to save the booze until her hands are big enough to hold the sippy cup on her own."
"Frak you."
The kid laughed or had gas or whatever. "See?" Kara crowed. "She likes me better."
He ignored her and went back to cooing. It was both disturbing and kind of cute. Kara shrugged, opened a bottle, and took a long swig. Parenthood and alcohol went together quite well, she'd learned. Then again, alcohol went great with a lot of things.
+++++
"What is that?"
Kara turned around to see him leaning on the doorframe, bouncing Kacey in his arms. She gave them a huge grin. "I'm decorating the nursery!"
"I figured as much." With his free hand, he pointed toward the wall. "What the hell are you painting?"
She crossed her arms and surveyed her masterpiece. "It's a mural depicting the eventual destruction of the Cylons. See that cute little blond warrior? That's Kacey! She's slicing and dicing all the toasters, one by one. I'm really proud of this bit." She pointed toward a figure vaguely resembling Simon, cowering in fear.
Leoben glared at her. "Have you forgotten that Kacey is half-Cylon?"
"Just her sucky half." Kara reached for the baby, who smiled up at her. "See, Kacey? You're my cute little Artemis, aren't you?" That made her stop and frown. "Except for the part about you being Apollo's twin. Um, let's not go there."
Dad growled and walked out of the room. Kara danced around with the baby, getting paint all over her chubby little cheeks. No big deal, though - Leoben could wash it off later.
"Tomorrow I'll paint you up in a Viper. You're gonna be a kickass pilot someday, sweetie. Well, okay, not as good as me, but still kickass."
The baby just wriggled and laughed, and Kara cuddled her a bit closer. It felt kind of good.
+++++
Parenting was hard work. Okay, yeah, Leoben was doing most of the work, but it was still hard.
She flopped back on the bed and listened to him tell the baby a bedtime story.
"God loves all His children, especially you, Kacey. Once you're old enough to accept His plan for your life, I'll take you down to the river where we can watch the spiritual manifestations of our souls swim down the current of righteousness."
She thought about smacking him down, but she was too damn tired. So she pulled a pillow over her face and drowned out his crap. Tomorrow, she'd start raising her child as an atheist. The Gods would understand.
+++++
The baby finally went to sleep, which was great because it'd been way too long since Kara'd gotten laid, and she was willing to forgive Leoben his Cylon mystical crap long enough for him to frak her.
The sex itself was only slightly better than her left hand, but she'd learned to live with mediocrity. She closed her eyes and pictured someone else's face, and that got her hot and bothered enough to enjoy herself. And just as she climbed toward orgasm, she panted, "Lee! Oh, gods, Lee!"
He froze beneath her. She blinked. "Uh, Lee... oben!"
Too late. Leoben pulled out and sat up. "I see the truths behind your false words."
"Go to hell."
The baby started crying. Perfect.
Late-night diaper changes were his job, but last thing she wanted was to stay in this bed with him. She got up and reached for the washcloths and diapers. Kacey kept on wailing after the change, though, so Kara pulled on some clothes and carried the baby out the front door, where they could both scream their hearts out.
Leoben followed her outside. "Where are you taking my child?"
"Uh, last time I checked, she was my child, too."
"Could've fooled me, Mother of the Year."
"Go commune with your precious streams and all that shit. Kacey and I are busy bonding."
When she looked over her shoulder, he was practically vibrating from anger. Back when they first met, that would've scared her. Now she knew how impotent his rage really was. She could take him down, even with the kid in a sling around her neck. So she kept on walking.
Behind her, he shouted, "That kid is mine too! I jerked off in a cup for it! Doesn't that MEAN anything to you, bitch?"
"Oh, please. Judging from past performance, I'm surprised you were even able to get it up long enough for that sperm sample."
Over her laughter, she heard him whine, "C'mon, Kara. I was thinking about you the whole time!"
"You're sick."
"I'm a Cylon."
"Same difference."
She held the baby at arms' length. "Hey, Kacey. When you become that kickass Viper pilot, your callsign is going to be 'Daddy's Little Teacup'!"
Leoben stomped up the porch steps and slammed the door behind him.
Kara just kept on laughing. "Yeah, Daddy loves you and Mommy so much that he didn't even need porn to make you!"
Kacey stared at her with a rather disconcerting expression on her three-month-old face. Frak. Kara didn't want to think about what life was gonna be like when the kid was old enough to actually understand what the hell they were saying to her. Eh, Kara's childhood had been seriously frakked-up. Made sense that she'd do the same to her own child. She'd call it the Circle of Life, but that was Leoben's job. So she bounced the baby and brainstormed other future call signs. Frakked-up chicks made the best pilots, anyway.
+++++
They sat on the floor and watched Kacey roll around on a blanket. Four months old, and she was slowly starting to get a personality. Unfortunately, most of that personality involved behaving very well while giving her parents self-righteous looks. Kara wondered if maybe the Farm had screwed up and accidentally used Lee's sperm.
"Why'd you dye all her clothes black? She looked cute in pink."
Kara ground her teeth. "Oh, please. Like I'm gonna dress my kid in ugly gender-specific colors. Kacey hates pink."
"She's four months old. She's got enough problems without you making her wear black. What, are you planning to teach her how to write bad poetry?"
"Kacey's poetry will be a hell of a lot better than that crap you recite."
He stared at her for a minute, then burst out in laughter. Kara couldn't help grinning a little, too. They all just sat there, playing Happy Frakking Families. "Wow, the Lords of Kobol must really be twisted to think we could raise a decent kid."
"This is all part of God's plan, Kara. You know that."
"Then your idiot God sure needs a better project manager."
Kara reached over to pick up the baby, who wriggled and pulled at the long blonde hair that Kara kept forgetting to cut. She was still small and whiny, but she had broad shoulders and long legs. Definitely had potential. Kacey was starting to grow on her, though now more like a nice little bonus instead of the bad rash she'd been at the start.
Leoben patted the baby's head and smiled. "God loves all His children."
"Yeah, well, the Gods had better love Kacey a whole lot, because as long as she lives with us, this poor kid is doomed."
+++++
End (1/1)
(Edited because as much as I might love the word "fucking", the characters prefer a cheesy alternative.)