BSG/AD crossover fic: "A Colonial Army of One"
bantha_fodder challenged me to write Galactica/Arrested Development crossover fic, and this is the cracktastic result. It takes place during the AD episode "Notapussy" (with a few changes), and is set in the universe of my fic, "Dislocation" -- but all you need to know about that one is that Kara and Lee are stuck on Earth. Even if you're not familiar with one of the two shows, you can probably follow along anyway. This is one of the most whacked-out fics I've ever done, which made it SO damn much fun to write. ;)
Title: "A Colonial Army of One"
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: see above
Characters: Kara/Lee, the AD cast
Summary: At the Church & State Fair, the Army tries to enforce Steve Holt's enlistment. Kara and GOB end up in the Brig. It's up to a Bluth and an Adama to get them out.
A Colonial Army of One
by wisteria
“Looks like this is the end of the world, Lee.”
He glanced over at Kara in the passenger seat, pointing at the nearby blue on the map. “Cylons? Nuclear bombs? Ellen Tigh?”
She groaned. “The map, you idiot.”
“Yeah, but I’m your idiot.” A grin as she swatted him with the rolled-up map.
Sure enough, a sliver of blue ocean appeared on the horizon. Lee sighed in relief; driving all day had left him with some nasty leg cramps. Had to put up with them, though, because Kara behind the wheel led to all sorts of badness, and he didn’t much care to go careening over a cliff.
“So, wanna go find a hotel and celebrate?” Then her voice shifted to familiar sarcasm. “Oh, wait. No money, thanks to you not listening to me in Las Vegas and blowing it all on roulette.”
“I thought 33 would be a lucky number!” He elbowed her. “There’s always the backseat....”
She winced. “I still have bruises from last time, Lee.” Hey, not his fault that their ’92 Hyundai had cupholders in inconvenient places. She rolled down the window. “What about that ‘Church & State Fair?’”
Lee glanced over. Ferris wheel, carnival booths, and other shiny things. He had good aim. Maybe he could win back some of their money.
They parked and dug out just enough cash to pay admissions. As they walked through the gate, Kara pointed at a food booth. “Ooh, I want a corn dog with all the crucifixins.”
He laughed and followed her.
+++++
“Dad, it’s okay! You don’t have to -”
GOB glared at his son. “I’m not going to let these Army bastards cheat my son out of a future! That’s my job.”
Steve Holt sighed and watched his father glare at the recruiter. He didn’t think it was doing much good, but he couldn’t be sure since he’d failed psychology in his second junior year. So he shrugged and imagined what it would sound like to hear a drill instructor yell, “Steve Holt!”
The sergeant crossed his arms and barked, “No. The contract is binding,” for, like, the thousandth time.
GOB yelled back, “Yeah, well, so’s your girly underwear!” then leaned over the table and gave the sergeant a wedgie.
Then the two guys were fighting, and it was cooler than that time he’d made out with his mother’s sister’s daughter. Steve Holt pumped his fists and chanted, “GOB! GOB!” then stopped, blinked, and changed it to, “Dad! Dad!”
It was awesome.
All of a sudden, some blond chick ran up, growled, “Frak, I’ve been jonesing for a good fight,” and leapt into the fray. Steve grinned and decided that this was the coolest father-son outing ever.
It didn’t last long. Some Army guys came over and yanked Dad and the woman away, slapping handcuffs on them and shoving them into the tent.
“Thanks, Dad!” Steve called out as they disappeared inside, then set off to find his Uncle Michael.
Beside him, a short-haired guy muttered, “Frak. Here we go again.”
+++++
Eighty-seven days on this planet, and she’d been on her best behavior. Almost. Now she had to go and get herself thrown into the brig. Again.
Kara grinned. Oh, yeah. This was more like it.
She walked over to the other end of the roped-off cell and winced as pain shot up from her bum knee. That military bastard must’ve hit it harder than she’d thought. She shifted on her feet, which made the pain even more stabby. “Frak.”
“Yeah, babe. You’ve got a great rack.”
Kara looked up at the dumbass who’d gotten them into this mess: balding, open-necked shirt, kinda sleazy. Leering at her breasts like he actually had a chance of seeing them in this or any lifetime. Great.
“What’s your name?”
“GOB.” His smirk grew bigger and creepier. “Why?”
She shrugged. “Just wanted to know what to yell when I kick your ass.”
He kept on grinning like a freak, so she flexed her biceps and shoved him up against the tent wall, which fluttered and made them lose their balance. GOB whimpered, “Michael!”
Kara kneed him in the crotch for good measure.
+++++
Michael was late. This irritated him. He was never late for anything, not even when Lucille had called him in a panic and demanded he rescue her from Lupe’s family, who were “trying to convert me to their cult!” Lupe had simply given Lucille a Christmas card, but Michael had shown up just in time to keep her from quitting her cleaning job.
So, yes. Michael hated being late, especially for a date with Rita. Especially when it was because Steve Holt had just run up and yelled that GOB had been arrested. Michael shrugged. “Tell him to sell a kidney for bail money.”
Steve shook his head. “He did it to save me!”
Michael did a double-take. A sacrificial GOB was certainly a surprise. A miracle, even.
“Where is he?”
Rita could wait.
+++++
Lee had spent the past three months tending bar, valet-parking cars, hauling gravel at construction sites, and then losing all that money on an unfortunate spin of the roulette wheel. Now he was glad to finally have a use for all those negotiation skills he’d learned back on Colonial One. Convincing Kara that public sex - while very hot - wasn’t the best idea for two people living under the radar didn’t count.
Right now, he’d rather frak her up on the ferris wheel than negotiate with this sergeant who made Tigh look like a big, fluffy puppy.
“Look,” he began again, “she wasn’t trying to attack you, Sir. She was just caught up in the moment. If you’ll release her, I’ll see to it that we leave Newport Beach immediately.”
“Assaulting an officer is no joke, young man.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t know Kara.” That made him laugh in spite of himself. Bad idea.
Just as he tried to figure out how to pull rank when he didn’t have any rank to pull, a man in a suit showed up. “I’m here for my brother,” he said, sounding every bit as exasperated as Lee felt.
The sergeant glared at them. “Your brother and his girlfriend aren’t going anywhere.”
Lee resisted the urge to correct him. He and Kara hadn’t gotten to the “girlfriend” stage, even though they might as well be married by now. But that was another debate for another time. So he and the brother went a few more - non-violent, of course - rounds with the officer, but nothing seemed to work. Inside the tent, he could hear a female voice shouting. Great. If this kept up, he’d have to come up with bail money.
The sergeant stalked into the tent. Lee turned to the other man. “Lee Adama.”
“Michael Bluth.” They shook hands, polite and not at all uptight. “That’s my brother in there. I’d be happy to let him rot, but, well, family first.”
“Unfortunately, I know just what you mean.” Lee thought it was too bad his father was back up on Galactica - the old man would get a kick out of this. “My girlfriend has a tendency to punch first and forget to ask questions later.”
“That’s your girlfriend? What a babe!”
They turned to stare at the grinning young man, his fists raised in triumph. Whatever.
Spectators continued to crawl out of the woodwork, or, in this case, carnival booths. Another tall, balding man-boy in camouflage bounded up, then shrunk into himself when Lee held out a hand to shake. Lee tried not to stare at his plastic hand, but he couldn’t help a covetous glance at the fatigues. Damn, he missed those.
“They ... I ....” he whimpered.
“Buster, get over it or I’m sending you back to Mom.”
“Really?” Buster grinned. As Lee just stared at the brothers, the man took a deep breath and blathered, “The only way to get someone out of there is to volunteer to go into Army in their place.”
Lee mulled that over. Odd jobs just weren’t doing it for him, and frak, he did miss giving orders and taking them, and oh, those fatigues.
He nodded. “I’ll do it.”
Three heads whipped around to stare at him.
“I like the military. Kara can stay in there, and I’ll take your brother’s place.”
“I can’t ask you to sacrifice yourself for my family,” Michael said, looking like he meant quite the opposite.
Lee shrugged. “Sacrificing myself is what I do. Besides, Kara and I used to be fighter pilots.”
The four men were silent. Nobody bothered to talk him out of it; Lee wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted them to.
Then Steve pumped his fists and yelled, “Hot pilots!”
Well.
+++++
Flush with triumph over Ann Veal’s third-place finish in the Inner Beauty pageant, Tobias Funke strutted through the fairgrounds, sucking on a corn dog that filled his mouth with a world of goodness.
He perked up at the sight of a tent labeled “Startled Straight”. A-ha! A perfect chance for him to improve some young bucks’ lives with his talents as a therapist-cum-actor.
When he entered, his jaw dropped at the sight of George Sr. at the podium. And then, as his father-in-law lectured the young men, Tobias listened in rapture.
“Wanna be some guy’s girlfriend? Wanna have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night and mess with your junk?”
So, this was the Army.
Tobias had finally - for the third time - found his calling.
+++++
George-Michael watched his now-ex-girlfriend smile at the guys surrounding her, and he could almost hear his Uncle Buster saying, “Buck up, little camper.” But he didn’t want to buck up, not with Ann acting like he didn’t matter anymore. Life really, truly sucked.
Maeby caught up to him outside the Dunk-an-Apostle booth. “Hey, George-Michael! Wanna go throw my fake nose at those priests?”
He shrugged. “No, thanks. I just wanna be alone.”
She elbowed him. “Buck up, little camper!”
“You sound just like Uncle Buster.”
Maeby glared at him. “Take that back. See? Two hands.” She leaned in and put both those hands on his shoulders, which made him feel really warm all of a sudden. He glanced over at the Abstinence Kissing-Only Booth, and he wondered if he could maneuver her over there.
They laughed a little, because it was all they could really do without things getting even more awkward, and then she pulled him over toward the Startled Straight booths. “C’mon, let’s go pretend to be gay. I hear they’re giving out free Bibles. That’d totally freak my Mom out.”
He followed her, just like he always did.
+++++
So far, Kara had kneed GOB in the crotch, pulled out his chest hair strand-by-strand, and made him whimper that he was her bitch. Still, he leered at her and said stupid things like, “Wanna taste of my magic, babe?”
Earth men were profoundly stupid.
She crossed her arms and stared down at where her foot pressed into his chest. He just grinned up at her and said, “Look, if you want me so bad, all you have to do is ask.”
“Thanks, but I already have a boyfriend, and he keeps me very satisfied.” Boyfriend? Where had that come from? Sure, Lee kept pestering her, but still.
GOB grinned. Again. “Threesome?”
“Frak off.” She kicked him and turned away.
Where the hell was Lee, anyway? More importantly, why the hell wasn’t she out of here, already? It was a frakking tent. She’d busted herself out of far more dangerous places before. Another reason to hate Earth: it’d turned her into a total pansy.
“Uncle GOB!” Two teenagers with weird hair ran over to the cage; once again, Kara wondered why the hell a tent had a cage. Gods, this really, truly sucked.
The dumbass stood up, wincing, and Kara couldn’t help being pleased at all the pain she’d inflicted. He growled, “George-Michael, get me out of here. My magic isn’t working.”
“Uh....”
The girl crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow. “Did that blond chick kick your ass, Uncle GOB?” She turned to Kara and grinned. “Thanks!”
Kara grinned back. Now there was a girl with some promise. She’d always wanted a protégé.
Just as she was about to ask the kid if she was interested in learning the latest ass-kicking techniques, a whole gaggle of men burst into the tent. Kara scanned the crowd and sighed in relief when she spotted Lee among them. It was about damn time.
Everyone started yelling at once, and Kara shocked herself by shouting, “Shut up!”
They all shut up. Wow. That was a first.
One of them - some balding idiot in combat fatigues and a fake hand - stepped forward. “The only way to get you out of here is for one of us to enlist in the Army in your place.”
Nobody said anything; they just stared at each other as if waiting for the first volunteer. Kara shrugged and pointed at the girl. “What about you? You’d make a kickass pilot. I could teach you some tricks.”
George-Michael stared at her and then the girl. “Maeby? A soldier?”
Maeby - and what kind of name was that? - laughed. “Yeah, right. Girls don’t join the army.”
“What the frak?” She stalked over to the cage wall and tried to slap the girl, but those damn metal bars got in the way. “Hello? I’m a girl, and I’m a hell of a lot more of a soldier than any of you Y-chromosome bastards will ever be. Tell ‘em, Lee.”
Lee was too busy trying not to laugh. She growled at him and vowed that he wouldn’t be getting a piece of her ass anytime in the near future.
Then an uptight, short-haired guy stepped forward. “This man says he’ll take GOB’s place.” He pointed at Lee.
Kara blinked then laughed so loudly that everyone stared at her. “Oh, c’mon, Lee. I know you’ve got a hard-on for those uniforms, but I’m not re-enlisting in this crappy Earth army just so you can dress up in your beloved camo again.”
He opened his mouth to say something, eyes flashing in a way that still made her so damned hot, but then another guy ran in, his scary hair-plugs fluttering in the breeze. “I’ll do it!” he yelled.
“Tobias?” several of the freaks called out in unison.
Tobias grinned so big that he looked like he was about to wet his pants. “I just signed the papers! The sergeant was very impressed by my privates.”
“Uh, don’t you mean he was impressed that you wanted to become a Private?” Maeby sneered. Maybe there was hope for the girl after all, Kara thought. She’d start her on Triad and cigars, then work their way up to the ass-kicking.
As the family blathered about stuff that Kara couldn’t be bothered to listen to, Lee walked over to the edge of the cage and crooked a finger at her. “How are you doing, Kara?”
She shrugged. “This asshole over there wants a threesome with us, and I’ve got so much pent-up sexual energy that the back of that Hyundai is looking pretty damned good right now.”
She winked, and he winked right back, so she forgave him for laughing earlier.
The sergeant came forward and unlocked the cage. “You’re free to go.”
Michael looked up. “I thought you needed two people to take their place?”
Just then, a blonde bimbo showed up, looking rather like Ellen Tigh before years of alcohol and sluttiness set in. “I am! Now that Tobias and I have an open marriage, I hear that the military is a great place to pick up men.”
One of the guys said, “Lindsay?” in shock.
Whatever.
Lee and Kara just burst out laughing and ran out of the tent before anyone could stop them. The Army could wait. Right now, they had a date with a backseat and an inconvenient cupholder.
+++++
END (1/1)
Title: "A Colonial Army of One"
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: see above
Characters: Kara/Lee, the AD cast
Summary: At the Church & State Fair, the Army tries to enforce Steve Holt's enlistment. Kara and GOB end up in the Brig. It's up to a Bluth and an Adama to get them out.
A Colonial Army of One
by wisteria
“Looks like this is the end of the world, Lee.”
He glanced over at Kara in the passenger seat, pointing at the nearby blue on the map. “Cylons? Nuclear bombs? Ellen Tigh?”
She groaned. “The map, you idiot.”
“Yeah, but I’m your idiot.” A grin as she swatted him with the rolled-up map.
Sure enough, a sliver of blue ocean appeared on the horizon. Lee sighed in relief; driving all day had left him with some nasty leg cramps. Had to put up with them, though, because Kara behind the wheel led to all sorts of badness, and he didn’t much care to go careening over a cliff.
“So, wanna go find a hotel and celebrate?” Then her voice shifted to familiar sarcasm. “Oh, wait. No money, thanks to you not listening to me in Las Vegas and blowing it all on roulette.”
“I thought 33 would be a lucky number!” He elbowed her. “There’s always the backseat....”
She winced. “I still have bruises from last time, Lee.” Hey, not his fault that their ’92 Hyundai had cupholders in inconvenient places. She rolled down the window. “What about that ‘Church & State Fair?’”
Lee glanced over. Ferris wheel, carnival booths, and other shiny things. He had good aim. Maybe he could win back some of their money.
They parked and dug out just enough cash to pay admissions. As they walked through the gate, Kara pointed at a food booth. “Ooh, I want a corn dog with all the crucifixins.”
He laughed and followed her.
+++++
“Dad, it’s okay! You don’t have to -”
GOB glared at his son. “I’m not going to let these Army bastards cheat my son out of a future! That’s my job.”
Steve Holt sighed and watched his father glare at the recruiter. He didn’t think it was doing much good, but he couldn’t be sure since he’d failed psychology in his second junior year. So he shrugged and imagined what it would sound like to hear a drill instructor yell, “Steve Holt!”
The sergeant crossed his arms and barked, “No. The contract is binding,” for, like, the thousandth time.
GOB yelled back, “Yeah, well, so’s your girly underwear!” then leaned over the table and gave the sergeant a wedgie.
Then the two guys were fighting, and it was cooler than that time he’d made out with his mother’s sister’s daughter. Steve Holt pumped his fists and chanted, “GOB! GOB!” then stopped, blinked, and changed it to, “Dad! Dad!”
It was awesome.
All of a sudden, some blond chick ran up, growled, “Frak, I’ve been jonesing for a good fight,” and leapt into the fray. Steve grinned and decided that this was the coolest father-son outing ever.
It didn’t last long. Some Army guys came over and yanked Dad and the woman away, slapping handcuffs on them and shoving them into the tent.
“Thanks, Dad!” Steve called out as they disappeared inside, then set off to find his Uncle Michael.
Beside him, a short-haired guy muttered, “Frak. Here we go again.”
+++++
Eighty-seven days on this planet, and she’d been on her best behavior. Almost. Now she had to go and get herself thrown into the brig. Again.
Kara grinned. Oh, yeah. This was more like it.
She walked over to the other end of the roped-off cell and winced as pain shot up from her bum knee. That military bastard must’ve hit it harder than she’d thought. She shifted on her feet, which made the pain even more stabby. “Frak.”
“Yeah, babe. You’ve got a great rack.”
Kara looked up at the dumbass who’d gotten them into this mess: balding, open-necked shirt, kinda sleazy. Leering at her breasts like he actually had a chance of seeing them in this or any lifetime. Great.
“What’s your name?”
“GOB.” His smirk grew bigger and creepier. “Why?”
She shrugged. “Just wanted to know what to yell when I kick your ass.”
He kept on grinning like a freak, so she flexed her biceps and shoved him up against the tent wall, which fluttered and made them lose their balance. GOB whimpered, “Michael!”
Kara kneed him in the crotch for good measure.
+++++
Michael was late. This irritated him. He was never late for anything, not even when Lucille had called him in a panic and demanded he rescue her from Lupe’s family, who were “trying to convert me to their cult!” Lupe had simply given Lucille a Christmas card, but Michael had shown up just in time to keep her from quitting her cleaning job.
So, yes. Michael hated being late, especially for a date with Rita. Especially when it was because Steve Holt had just run up and yelled that GOB had been arrested. Michael shrugged. “Tell him to sell a kidney for bail money.”
Steve shook his head. “He did it to save me!”
Michael did a double-take. A sacrificial GOB was certainly a surprise. A miracle, even.
“Where is he?”
Rita could wait.
+++++
Lee had spent the past three months tending bar, valet-parking cars, hauling gravel at construction sites, and then losing all that money on an unfortunate spin of the roulette wheel. Now he was glad to finally have a use for all those negotiation skills he’d learned back on Colonial One. Convincing Kara that public sex - while very hot - wasn’t the best idea for two people living under the radar didn’t count.
Right now, he’d rather frak her up on the ferris wheel than negotiate with this sergeant who made Tigh look like a big, fluffy puppy.
“Look,” he began again, “she wasn’t trying to attack you, Sir. She was just caught up in the moment. If you’ll release her, I’ll see to it that we leave Newport Beach immediately.”
“Assaulting an officer is no joke, young man.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t know Kara.” That made him laugh in spite of himself. Bad idea.
Just as he tried to figure out how to pull rank when he didn’t have any rank to pull, a man in a suit showed up. “I’m here for my brother,” he said, sounding every bit as exasperated as Lee felt.
The sergeant glared at them. “Your brother and his girlfriend aren’t going anywhere.”
Lee resisted the urge to correct him. He and Kara hadn’t gotten to the “girlfriend” stage, even though they might as well be married by now. But that was another debate for another time. So he and the brother went a few more - non-violent, of course - rounds with the officer, but nothing seemed to work. Inside the tent, he could hear a female voice shouting. Great. If this kept up, he’d have to come up with bail money.
The sergeant stalked into the tent. Lee turned to the other man. “Lee Adama.”
“Michael Bluth.” They shook hands, polite and not at all uptight. “That’s my brother in there. I’d be happy to let him rot, but, well, family first.”
“Unfortunately, I know just what you mean.” Lee thought it was too bad his father was back up on Galactica - the old man would get a kick out of this. “My girlfriend has a tendency to punch first and forget to ask questions later.”
“That’s your girlfriend? What a babe!”
They turned to stare at the grinning young man, his fists raised in triumph. Whatever.
Spectators continued to crawl out of the woodwork, or, in this case, carnival booths. Another tall, balding man-boy in camouflage bounded up, then shrunk into himself when Lee held out a hand to shake. Lee tried not to stare at his plastic hand, but he couldn’t help a covetous glance at the fatigues. Damn, he missed those.
“They ... I ....” he whimpered.
“Buster, get over it or I’m sending you back to Mom.”
“Really?” Buster grinned. As Lee just stared at the brothers, the man took a deep breath and blathered, “The only way to get someone out of there is to volunteer to go into Army in their place.”
Lee mulled that over. Odd jobs just weren’t doing it for him, and frak, he did miss giving orders and taking them, and oh, those fatigues.
He nodded. “I’ll do it.”
Three heads whipped around to stare at him.
“I like the military. Kara can stay in there, and I’ll take your brother’s place.”
“I can’t ask you to sacrifice yourself for my family,” Michael said, looking like he meant quite the opposite.
Lee shrugged. “Sacrificing myself is what I do. Besides, Kara and I used to be fighter pilots.”
The four men were silent. Nobody bothered to talk him out of it; Lee wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted them to.
Then Steve pumped his fists and yelled, “Hot pilots!”
Well.
+++++
Flush with triumph over Ann Veal’s third-place finish in the Inner Beauty pageant, Tobias Funke strutted through the fairgrounds, sucking on a corn dog that filled his mouth with a world of goodness.
He perked up at the sight of a tent labeled “Startled Straight”. A-ha! A perfect chance for him to improve some young bucks’ lives with his talents as a therapist-cum-actor.
When he entered, his jaw dropped at the sight of George Sr. at the podium. And then, as his father-in-law lectured the young men, Tobias listened in rapture.
“Wanna be some guy’s girlfriend? Wanna have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night and mess with your junk?”
So, this was the Army.
Tobias had finally - for the third time - found his calling.
+++++
George-Michael watched his now-ex-girlfriend smile at the guys surrounding her, and he could almost hear his Uncle Buster saying, “Buck up, little camper.” But he didn’t want to buck up, not with Ann acting like he didn’t matter anymore. Life really, truly sucked.
Maeby caught up to him outside the Dunk-an-Apostle booth. “Hey, George-Michael! Wanna go throw my fake nose at those priests?”
He shrugged. “No, thanks. I just wanna be alone.”
She elbowed him. “Buck up, little camper!”
“You sound just like Uncle Buster.”
Maeby glared at him. “Take that back. See? Two hands.” She leaned in and put both those hands on his shoulders, which made him feel really warm all of a sudden. He glanced over at the Abstinence Kissing-Only Booth, and he wondered if he could maneuver her over there.
They laughed a little, because it was all they could really do without things getting even more awkward, and then she pulled him over toward the Startled Straight booths. “C’mon, let’s go pretend to be gay. I hear they’re giving out free Bibles. That’d totally freak my Mom out.”
He followed her, just like he always did.
+++++
So far, Kara had kneed GOB in the crotch, pulled out his chest hair strand-by-strand, and made him whimper that he was her bitch. Still, he leered at her and said stupid things like, “Wanna taste of my magic, babe?”
Earth men were profoundly stupid.
She crossed her arms and stared down at where her foot pressed into his chest. He just grinned up at her and said, “Look, if you want me so bad, all you have to do is ask.”
“Thanks, but I already have a boyfriend, and he keeps me very satisfied.” Boyfriend? Where had that come from? Sure, Lee kept pestering her, but still.
GOB grinned. Again. “Threesome?”
“Frak off.” She kicked him and turned away.
Where the hell was Lee, anyway? More importantly, why the hell wasn’t she out of here, already? It was a frakking tent. She’d busted herself out of far more dangerous places before. Another reason to hate Earth: it’d turned her into a total pansy.
“Uncle GOB!” Two teenagers with weird hair ran over to the cage; once again, Kara wondered why the hell a tent had a cage. Gods, this really, truly sucked.
The dumbass stood up, wincing, and Kara couldn’t help being pleased at all the pain she’d inflicted. He growled, “George-Michael, get me out of here. My magic isn’t working.”
“Uh....”
The girl crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow. “Did that blond chick kick your ass, Uncle GOB?” She turned to Kara and grinned. “Thanks!”
Kara grinned back. Now there was a girl with some promise. She’d always wanted a protégé.
Just as she was about to ask the kid if she was interested in learning the latest ass-kicking techniques, a whole gaggle of men burst into the tent. Kara scanned the crowd and sighed in relief when she spotted Lee among them. It was about damn time.
Everyone started yelling at once, and Kara shocked herself by shouting, “Shut up!”
They all shut up. Wow. That was a first.
One of them - some balding idiot in combat fatigues and a fake hand - stepped forward. “The only way to get you out of here is for one of us to enlist in the Army in your place.”
Nobody said anything; they just stared at each other as if waiting for the first volunteer. Kara shrugged and pointed at the girl. “What about you? You’d make a kickass pilot. I could teach you some tricks.”
George-Michael stared at her and then the girl. “Maeby? A soldier?”
Maeby - and what kind of name was that? - laughed. “Yeah, right. Girls don’t join the army.”
“What the frak?” She stalked over to the cage wall and tried to slap the girl, but those damn metal bars got in the way. “Hello? I’m a girl, and I’m a hell of a lot more of a soldier than any of you Y-chromosome bastards will ever be. Tell ‘em, Lee.”
Lee was too busy trying not to laugh. She growled at him and vowed that he wouldn’t be getting a piece of her ass anytime in the near future.
Then an uptight, short-haired guy stepped forward. “This man says he’ll take GOB’s place.” He pointed at Lee.
Kara blinked then laughed so loudly that everyone stared at her. “Oh, c’mon, Lee. I know you’ve got a hard-on for those uniforms, but I’m not re-enlisting in this crappy Earth army just so you can dress up in your beloved camo again.”
He opened his mouth to say something, eyes flashing in a way that still made her so damned hot, but then another guy ran in, his scary hair-plugs fluttering in the breeze. “I’ll do it!” he yelled.
“Tobias?” several of the freaks called out in unison.
Tobias grinned so big that he looked like he was about to wet his pants. “I just signed the papers! The sergeant was very impressed by my privates.”
“Uh, don’t you mean he was impressed that you wanted to become a Private?” Maeby sneered. Maybe there was hope for the girl after all, Kara thought. She’d start her on Triad and cigars, then work their way up to the ass-kicking.
As the family blathered about stuff that Kara couldn’t be bothered to listen to, Lee walked over to the edge of the cage and crooked a finger at her. “How are you doing, Kara?”
She shrugged. “This asshole over there wants a threesome with us, and I’ve got so much pent-up sexual energy that the back of that Hyundai is looking pretty damned good right now.”
She winked, and he winked right back, so she forgave him for laughing earlier.
The sergeant came forward and unlocked the cage. “You’re free to go.”
Michael looked up. “I thought you needed two people to take their place?”
Just then, a blonde bimbo showed up, looking rather like Ellen Tigh before years of alcohol and sluttiness set in. “I am! Now that Tobias and I have an open marriage, I hear that the military is a great place to pick up men.”
One of the guys said, “Lindsay?” in shock.
Whatever.
Lee and Kara just burst out laughing and ran out of the tent before anyone could stop them. The Army could wait. Right now, they had a date with a backseat and an inconvenient cupholder.
+++++
END (1/1)