Goodbye to you.....goodbye to everything that i knew....
I was really happy....for about half a day. For the first part of the day, i was really really good. I really just tried acting like myself, or at least the self that i used to be, and it was amazing how much people actually noticed. I didn't think that I changed that much since last year. They were all like wow you're really happy haven't seen you like that in a while, or i love it when you smile, or i love seeing you like this. Yea well that all changed after lunch. Life just doesn't like being fair does it? There are so many things and people that I hate right now, I find that so sad, because i never used to hate anything. I wish i was back in middle school again, back to the days when i would wake up every morning and do my hair differently because i was creative and unique, back to the days that Danielle and i would yell "fruitcake" at the really ugly Abercrombie model who looked liked his hair was plastered to his head, at our school. I want to go back so i could once again fall out of Danielle's Bronco in a skirt and platform sandals because my foot was stuck in the seatbelt, just so that i could once again get up and laugh at myself for being so retarded. I want to be late for school because Danielle took too long trying to get ready. I want to hear that old Bronco tearing around the corner making a racket, because of the time Danielle's dad took us through the huge flooded street full force so that we could se the water cover the top of the windshield, tearing off the muffler in return. I want to see me, so certain of everything, so assure, so clean and proper and prepared for whatever the day might bring me. I want to go back and laugh at Danielle and me for arguing about how bad our haircuts were and how i insulted her mom for going back to get it recut, then making up by going to the Raytheon Christmas Golf n stuff party and getting our picture taken with those awful haircuts lol I want to go to the beach with Ashley and sit and complain about her stupid cousin and his obsession with his girlfriend. There are so many things that i took for granted, like my hapiness. I thought that that was something that i'd never lose, and i know that i still have it, it's not like i'm going through a depression or anything, I just wish that my memory wasn't as good as it is. I guess having a good memory can be a burden or a gift. I'm glad that i have the ability to remember almost everything that i do and everything that people say to me, i just wish that those memories didn't work against me. Kinda like what they are doing now. Not like they're bad memories, they're good that's why they're my burden. All i know is that i really hope that I get over this feeling soon, or i'm going to be so tempted to rip out my heart because i really don't want it anymore, i hate it, how can it let me feel like this. What had i ever done to it? I know i'm stronger than this, and i'm stronger than what i have been, i don't deserve to cry, or feel pain, but i do, and i guess I'm more happy that it's me feeling this way than someone else, because i know if someone else felt exactly how i feel and have felt for the past 7 months, they might now even be here right now. I've never felt this shitty in my entire life and hope that i never have to feel like way ever again, because i just can't do it. I'm trying so hard it's amazing, i just can't, i don't even want to try anymore....maybe i'm just supposed to be miserable....God gave me my time to be happy, welcome to the real world
~Danielle
~Danielle