Making the new year count - starting the journey, and starting it right.
So it's been awhile. I really hope that everyone has had lovely holidays and that the new year had started out well.
I've been told that people have been wondering where I've ran off to, if I have died, or fell off the face of the earth. No such luck, friends, you're stuck with me for a while yet. I know that it isn't necessary to explain myself or what I've been doing in my time away, or why I took the time to start with...but the way that I figure it, if I tell my story here once, I'll not have to do it again. There will be no need to waste time in discussing my disappearance when I see you all next. And I hope that you'll take the time to reply and tell me a few things that have been happening in your neck of the woods so that the same can be said for you. :)
Before the holidays ended, or really, before they started, I was starting to feel ran down. This year has been a hard one, and because of that, I've had to really push myself. Unfortunately, I pushed too far. Last year was full of tormoil for me, and for the most part, I think that I handled it quite well. I didn't complain too often to my family or friends. I didn't burden anyone too heavily with my grief, my frustrations or all of my many worries and fears...and you can be sure, there was plenty - lot more than I let show to anyone, even those closest me. I was strong, and I had a lot of pride in myself because of that. Last year I had to adjust to losing with my father, had to deal so how with all of the grief that I was carrying...not only my own grief, but that of my family, my mother and brother and sister. It was hard. SO HARD. One of the ways that I dealt with losing dad, and all of the frustrating circumstances after was by emmersing myself into everything that I could think of. I dug down in school, I involved myself in Great Ash... I tried very hard to make other people happy, because it was impossible for me to be. I was there for my mother when she needed me, when my family needed me. I stepped up to the plate, and carried all of the burdens that were being thrust upon me, and I did it with little complaint. I dealt with the unfairness of it all, everyday, and kept going instead of giving into despair, of letting it swallow me. I was compassionate, considerate, understanding for everyone as much as I could - except of course, myself. I drove myself. And because of that, added with a few other things, I nearly sent myself over the edge at the end of the year. For awhile, it was good, great at times. I was SO damned productive. I had stepped up my religious practice, had grown by leaps and bounds spiritually, I was working hard at school and my job. I was helping to provide for my mom. I was setting my relationship with TJ back onto the right track (one that I don't think he realized we were off of), I was fighting hard to keep all of the many commitments that I was making to my bosses and coworkers, to Tj, my family, and all of my friends and groups that I belonged to. When I was being pulled in multiple directions at once...I worked very hard at adjusting my needs and schedule to make sure that I could be there for people and events. I was determined. I tried to be there for my friends, as much I possibly could. And all of the while, I was slowly loosing myself, my balance, my passion, and everything that I'd been trying so hard to do. I was drowning, and I absolutely refused to let it show because I had grown too proud of myself and my strength, and I wore it like armor - the weight of which sunk me even deeper, ever faster.
Meanwhile....I was privately trying to deal with the renewed grief and depression that came with the holidays. The first Thanksgiving without daddy. Oh Gods, that was so horrible. I remember thinking of how it was the Thanksgiving of 2006 that was the last time that I had seen my dad. And everything that I had tried so hard to leave behind, all of that pain that I had been holding in, trying to out-run, it all came crashing down. And it wasn't just me, it was my entire family... And with the school quarter coming to and end, and trying to cope with the stress of finals and working (I was working three jobs last quarter - THREE) and the Gods...they were starting to kick my ass too, at the time.
To backtrack a little, I'd been starting to get experiences with Odin. And later, towards the end of the year, the turned into quite horrible experiences. I know now that it could have been a lot worse than what it was, that he could have been a lot more horrible about it than what he was, but at the time, I didn't see it like that. He was trying to collect on a promise that I had so stupidly made to him. I didn't have time to deal with it with everything else that was going on in my life (school, the kindred, family, work, PAX)...I barely had time to breath or sleep, let alone waste time redoing and working with him on the damned Runes. So I tried to ignore him - which was REALLY stupid. I was having headaches everyday. That I was used to pretty much, but then they became migraines - quite a different story. I was forced to sleep when I couldn't afford to, to get rid of them...and he would come to me in dreams or cause terrible nightmares. But it didn't matter, there wasn't anything that I could, I tried to tell him to lay the fuck off me.. Then I started getting nose bleeds. I was panicking at that point, I was actually beginning to HOPE that I was ill, that something was wrong with me that would actually be logical. I went to the doctors to up my dose of Wellbutrin and had a physical done. I had a clean bill of health, at least physically. I thought that I was freak and going crazy, so of course I didn't go out of my way to devulge any kind of information when some of my friends started noticing that something may be wrong and tried to voice concern. I played it off as best as I could. I had in fact became a very convincing lier of the frame of a the year, especially with myself. Before and during finals week I was having panic attacks everyday and worse, dreams that I SWEAR, manifested themselves into reality. It's probably one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. I would have dreams of being a doe and of wolves chasing me, they would corner me and snarl and growl, and I would escape, running through the woods, through briers and thorns, often falling over obstacles in my way, and then they would attack, sink their teeth into me, my shoulders and neck, my legs. I would wake up with bruises that weren't there before and my body so sore that I couldn't get out of bed at times. I think that I had to have gone through at least a whole bottle of ibuprophen. I promised myself that if I got through finals, that I was going to take a break. That I NEEDED a break.
But it wasn't all horrible. I had Freyr. Thank the Gods, I had Freyr. I think that he saved my life. He was almost the only thing in my life that made any sense, that gave me a even a glimmer of peace or happiness. I would have dreams with him, almost every night. He restored me, kept me going. We would walk, mostly in silence, through the woods, right before dawn...and we would watch the sun rise together. And he would hold my hand and ease the pain. And so I had enough hope in me to be able to start the next day. It was his light that guided me through the darkness. Of course, I learned even more valuable lessons with him... The quarter had come to a close finally. I was FREE. I ended up getting a 4.0 last quarter, miraculously. I don't know how, but I've learned not to question things like that anymore. I was finally starting to begin work with Odin, so he had eased off slightly. My migraines had lessened back to merely headaches, my nose stopped bleeding mostly, unless of course I got too pissed off at him and he thought that I deserved a fucking lesson. I still hadn't started the runes. The reason was because I had to go home to my mom's for most of Christmas/Yule break, and I was determined to find quiet, to find the rest that I needed before facing Chillicothe. That didn't really happen because I sick most of the time but...it was still ALOT better than before. I cut myself off from everyone, very severely. It kind of sucked because I couldn't go into details as to why, so I just didn't do anything at all. I felt guilty for leaving people hanging, but it really couldn't be helped. I was going through way too many things. I needed the break in a major way. I figured, that if people loved me enough, it wouldn't matter when I reappeared, that you all would understand.
Anyway, I went home right after Yule with Great Ash. At the Yule blot, I had dedicated myself to Freyr as promised. And then as soon as I did, Good old Freyr, went and turned pretty damned mean. I know that he had a major purpose behind it, but still...it was emotional hell basically, all throughout the 12 days of Yule. GO FUCKING FIGURE! No...I shouldn't make it sound like that. I learned a lot more about Freyr in those 12 days than I think that I have in the entire year (not to mention a HELL OF A LOT about myself). I learned that he can be absolutely RUTHLESS, every bit as much as Old-One-Eye can. It was during this time that I realized that he wasn't known to be a war-leader for nothing. The man had weapons, dirty, manipulative, and really painful weapons. And his light, the one that had guided me not long before that, that had given me warmth and hope, I found out could blind and burn. And it could be used to search out and utterly expose every weakness that you have, everything single thing that you've ever tired to hide from, every secret, every shame, every insecurity.... All your demons, illuminated and then shoved in your face. "how can you accept me, if you can't accept yourself?" he often asked. "how can you love me as much as I need you to, if you can love yourself, everything that you are, everything that you've been?" And so he interrogated and tortured me and made me deal with a lot things that I thought that I'd never have to, traumatic things that I've spend literally almost my entire life trying to bury and hide. But I did deal with them. And I did accept myself. And I did find the love that I needed to find. And so he gave me something in return, he gave me himself. Oh, for the first time in my life...man, there really are no words. What he gave to me is priceless, he gave me something beyond bliss.
I feel changed. And since then, a lot has changed. I'll get into that latter, but for now, I've got to go to school.
Remember, tell me what you've all been up to. I missed you all, and can't wait to see everyone again.
I've been told that people have been wondering where I've ran off to, if I have died, or fell off the face of the earth. No such luck, friends, you're stuck with me for a while yet. I know that it isn't necessary to explain myself or what I've been doing in my time away, or why I took the time to start with...but the way that I figure it, if I tell my story here once, I'll not have to do it again. There will be no need to waste time in discussing my disappearance when I see you all next. And I hope that you'll take the time to reply and tell me a few things that have been happening in your neck of the woods so that the same can be said for you. :)
Before the holidays ended, or really, before they started, I was starting to feel ran down. This year has been a hard one, and because of that, I've had to really push myself. Unfortunately, I pushed too far. Last year was full of tormoil for me, and for the most part, I think that I handled it quite well. I didn't complain too often to my family or friends. I didn't burden anyone too heavily with my grief, my frustrations or all of my many worries and fears...and you can be sure, there was plenty - lot more than I let show to anyone, even those closest me. I was strong, and I had a lot of pride in myself because of that. Last year I had to adjust to losing with my father, had to deal so how with all of the grief that I was carrying...not only my own grief, but that of my family, my mother and brother and sister. It was hard. SO HARD. One of the ways that I dealt with losing dad, and all of the frustrating circumstances after was by emmersing myself into everything that I could think of. I dug down in school, I involved myself in Great Ash... I tried very hard to make other people happy, because it was impossible for me to be. I was there for my mother when she needed me, when my family needed me. I stepped up to the plate, and carried all of the burdens that were being thrust upon me, and I did it with little complaint. I dealt with the unfairness of it all, everyday, and kept going instead of giving into despair, of letting it swallow me. I was compassionate, considerate, understanding for everyone as much as I could - except of course, myself. I drove myself. And because of that, added with a few other things, I nearly sent myself over the edge at the end of the year. For awhile, it was good, great at times. I was SO damned productive. I had stepped up my religious practice, had grown by leaps and bounds spiritually, I was working hard at school and my job. I was helping to provide for my mom. I was setting my relationship with TJ back onto the right track (one that I don't think he realized we were off of), I was fighting hard to keep all of the many commitments that I was making to my bosses and coworkers, to Tj, my family, and all of my friends and groups that I belonged to. When I was being pulled in multiple directions at once...I worked very hard at adjusting my needs and schedule to make sure that I could be there for people and events. I was determined. I tried to be there for my friends, as much I possibly could. And all of the while, I was slowly loosing myself, my balance, my passion, and everything that I'd been trying so hard to do. I was drowning, and I absolutely refused to let it show because I had grown too proud of myself and my strength, and I wore it like armor - the weight of which sunk me even deeper, ever faster.
Meanwhile....I was privately trying to deal with the renewed grief and depression that came with the holidays. The first Thanksgiving without daddy. Oh Gods, that was so horrible. I remember thinking of how it was the Thanksgiving of 2006 that was the last time that I had seen my dad. And everything that I had tried so hard to leave behind, all of that pain that I had been holding in, trying to out-run, it all came crashing down. And it wasn't just me, it was my entire family... And with the school quarter coming to and end, and trying to cope with the stress of finals and working (I was working three jobs last quarter - THREE) and the Gods...they were starting to kick my ass too, at the time.
To backtrack a little, I'd been starting to get experiences with Odin. And later, towards the end of the year, the turned into quite horrible experiences. I know now that it could have been a lot worse than what it was, that he could have been a lot more horrible about it than what he was, but at the time, I didn't see it like that. He was trying to collect on a promise that I had so stupidly made to him. I didn't have time to deal with it with everything else that was going on in my life (school, the kindred, family, work, PAX)...I barely had time to breath or sleep, let alone waste time redoing and working with him on the damned Runes. So I tried to ignore him - which was REALLY stupid. I was having headaches everyday. That I was used to pretty much, but then they became migraines - quite a different story. I was forced to sleep when I couldn't afford to, to get rid of them...and he would come to me in dreams or cause terrible nightmares. But it didn't matter, there wasn't anything that I could, I tried to tell him to lay the fuck off me.. Then I started getting nose bleeds. I was panicking at that point, I was actually beginning to HOPE that I was ill, that something was wrong with me that would actually be logical. I went to the doctors to up my dose of Wellbutrin and had a physical done. I had a clean bill of health, at least physically. I thought that I was freak and going crazy, so of course I didn't go out of my way to devulge any kind of information when some of my friends started noticing that something may be wrong and tried to voice concern. I played it off as best as I could. I had in fact became a very convincing lier of the frame of a the year, especially with myself. Before and during finals week I was having panic attacks everyday and worse, dreams that I SWEAR, manifested themselves into reality. It's probably one of the scariest things that's ever happened to me. I would have dreams of being a doe and of wolves chasing me, they would corner me and snarl and growl, and I would escape, running through the woods, through briers and thorns, often falling over obstacles in my way, and then they would attack, sink their teeth into me, my shoulders and neck, my legs. I would wake up with bruises that weren't there before and my body so sore that I couldn't get out of bed at times. I think that I had to have gone through at least a whole bottle of ibuprophen. I promised myself that if I got through finals, that I was going to take a break. That I NEEDED a break.
But it wasn't all horrible. I had Freyr. Thank the Gods, I had Freyr. I think that he saved my life. He was almost the only thing in my life that made any sense, that gave me a even a glimmer of peace or happiness. I would have dreams with him, almost every night. He restored me, kept me going. We would walk, mostly in silence, through the woods, right before dawn...and we would watch the sun rise together. And he would hold my hand and ease the pain. And so I had enough hope in me to be able to start the next day. It was his light that guided me through the darkness. Of course, I learned even more valuable lessons with him... The quarter had come to a close finally. I was FREE. I ended up getting a 4.0 last quarter, miraculously. I don't know how, but I've learned not to question things like that anymore. I was finally starting to begin work with Odin, so he had eased off slightly. My migraines had lessened back to merely headaches, my nose stopped bleeding mostly, unless of course I got too pissed off at him and he thought that I deserved a fucking lesson. I still hadn't started the runes. The reason was because I had to go home to my mom's for most of Christmas/Yule break, and I was determined to find quiet, to find the rest that I needed before facing Chillicothe. That didn't really happen because I sick most of the time but...it was still ALOT better than before. I cut myself off from everyone, very severely. It kind of sucked because I couldn't go into details as to why, so I just didn't do anything at all. I felt guilty for leaving people hanging, but it really couldn't be helped. I was going through way too many things. I needed the break in a major way. I figured, that if people loved me enough, it wouldn't matter when I reappeared, that you all would understand.
Anyway, I went home right after Yule with Great Ash. At the Yule blot, I had dedicated myself to Freyr as promised. And then as soon as I did, Good old Freyr, went and turned pretty damned mean. I know that he had a major purpose behind it, but still...it was emotional hell basically, all throughout the 12 days of Yule. GO FUCKING FIGURE! No...I shouldn't make it sound like that. I learned a lot more about Freyr in those 12 days than I think that I have in the entire year (not to mention a HELL OF A LOT about myself). I learned that he can be absolutely RUTHLESS, every bit as much as Old-One-Eye can. It was during this time that I realized that he wasn't known to be a war-leader for nothing. The man had weapons, dirty, manipulative, and really painful weapons. And his light, the one that had guided me not long before that, that had given me warmth and hope, I found out could blind and burn. And it could be used to search out and utterly expose every weakness that you have, everything single thing that you've ever tired to hide from, every secret, every shame, every insecurity.... All your demons, illuminated and then shoved in your face. "how can you accept me, if you can't accept yourself?" he often asked. "how can you love me as much as I need you to, if you can love yourself, everything that you are, everything that you've been?" And so he interrogated and tortured me and made me deal with a lot things that I thought that I'd never have to, traumatic things that I've spend literally almost my entire life trying to bury and hide. But I did deal with them. And I did accept myself. And I did find the love that I needed to find. And so he gave me something in return, he gave me himself. Oh, for the first time in my life...man, there really are no words. What he gave to me is priceless, he gave me something beyond bliss.
I feel changed. And since then, a lot has changed. I'll get into that latter, but for now, I've got to go to school.
Remember, tell me what you've all been up to. I missed you all, and can't wait to see everyone again.