Dec 28, 2006 19:11
A friend asked me not to long ago what my favorite most random crazy experience was. I answered with this story about one night this summer when I spent an entire night hanging out in random coffee houses throughout Grand Rapids with friends I had just met and have yet to see since. But you know what, that answer would be a lie if I still used it. By far this past week for me has become the single most fantastic moment in my life. There are several days that I could probably pick out within this week, but they all deserve to be lumped together in one giant blur of pleasure. If you want details, I guess everything started last Wednesday at 7:00 when I picked up an old work friend to go to Ann Arbor and swing dance with. The night was amazing with us strengthening our friendship as we poured out some painful details of our past as well as me discovering that this dazzling green-eyed beauty was by far one of the best dancers that I have ever met. Thursday incorporated last minute Christmas shopping and coffee with Miss Shepard who somehow always manages to cheer me up. Friday, was a trip out to Frankenmuth with the dazzling green-eyed beauty which further brought us together; and sadly enough was followed by a painfully awkward yet much needed encounter of a second friend from the past. Christmas Eve and Christmas day were as expected with nothing of significant importance. Tuesday, was crazy frantic preparation for my date with the dazzling green-eyed beauty which sadly enough only resulted in me walking up to her door Wednesday with no real plan with what I was going to do. But the night ended out better then I could have planned with swing dancing near a gazebo, cuddling on a swing set, a drive on Romeo Plank out in the country to MY SPOT, and a romantic first kiss on a rickety dock on a serene lake in the middle of nowhere. Today, although mostly uneventful, did allow for me to spend a nice afternoon outside with the dazzling green-eyed beauty at least one last time before this amazing week ends.
However, the most ironic thing about this week is that the events themselves are probably not what make this week so profound in my life, yet rather it has been the maturing that has occurred. Yes it’s true, that this week had been the most fun I had in a long time; however, This week has probably been the last significant emotional growth that I will undergo before I officially consider myself a “man” (I know how superficial and commercialized that word seems in that context). Anyone that KNOWS me, understands that several years ago I traveled to Hell and back, and have since then been maturing in my way of thought and have slowly by consistently ridding myself of depression. I’d be lying if I claimed that I thought that I would never feel the loneliness or excruciating pain that I have faced in the past for the rest of my life. I know there is lifetime of pain ahead that I must face. However, for the first time, I can truly see that I have become a “GOOD” person… in fact a “GOOD MAN” and will be fine no matter what I am to face ahead. Furthermore, I have developed enough caring friends that LOVE me, that if something is to happen, they will run up, hug me, and hold me tight all the way through the ordeal. I’ll be fine no matter what I am about to face.
This brings me to the whole point of this post, I want to thank you, dazzling green-eyed beauty, for all that you have done for me this week. You mentioned last night that despite how sudden this whole rejuvenation and expansion of an old friendship has occurred, that you felt closer to me then probably any other person you knew. I just wanted to say thank you, for that has to be the best compliment that I have ever received. But even more importantly I wanted to let you know that I see you becoming one of my BEST friends very quickly. You have given me so much more this week then you could possibly fathom. This whole random experience… every moment I have spent with you turned me into the spontaneous guy that I always strive to be but ultimately fall short of; the one trait that I have been striving for in myself since last spring. But I guess what is even more important is the friendship that we have developed. I told you Wednesday that a really good friend is not someone who is just there for you, but allows for you to be there for them as well, and had told you last Friday that I never really had that friendship because all my friends were either there for me or vise-versa. You… YOU have given me that friendship and as a result have made me feel so loved. And for that there is no way that I will ever be able to express my gratitude to you. For this I want to apologize for being selfish and wanting more then a friendship from you. Your personality has by far been so much of what I have been truly searching for in a relationship, and the last thing I wanted to do was to let that go as soon as I was so close. However, I think your right, given the physical distance between us, the recent events in your life, and a variety of other things, a relationship would be a bad idea right now. I can’t speak of the future as I do not know where I will end up or who I will be until I get there; whether something happens between us in the near future, years down the line, or quite likely never at all I have yet to see or even worry about. However, I do know that so long as we remain good friends, I’ll have all the love that I need. For the distance will only hinder any physical interaction between us but won’t be able to touch the emotional nature of our friendship.
Over the past 6 months, the greatest fear of mine was ending up alone. Ever date rejection (“Your friendship means too much to me to ruin with a relationship”) seemed to only further cement the likely hood of this fear in my head. I kept jumping from female interest to female interest in search of some since of security. When you started talking to me again things were different. The last thought I had was starting anything with you (you live too far away, just broken up with a boyfriend of many years, and really needed A FRIEND TO TALK TO!) and was only concerned with being there as a friend to talk too. So everything that I have felt, and that had occurred is completely genuine and because you are one amazing person. But I guess what I’m trying to say is that you helped minimize that fear (yes it will always be there just as you will always be insecure about some detail of yourself no matter how beautiful and flawless you may appear to me). I’m no longer afraid of being alone; I don’t need a relationship NOW in order to prove to myself that I won’t be alone forever. In fact I’m not alone even now. I have the love from you as a friend and from every other person that cares so deeply for me as well. I have everything that I ever will need, or have ever wanted in life (a LOVING family) and will be just fine. So thank you once again my dazzling green-eyed beauty for all that you have given me this week, and I only hope that I can return the favor to you over the next few weeks, months, and YEARS that our friendship will last.