(no subject)
Skin deep. That's my problem. Everything is skin deep. It's not important. There's nothing here for me that isn't as insubstantial as the wind. There's this really deep seated loneliness in me that is never going to go away because I just don't have that sort of connection with people. I think it's because ever since I was little I had this longing to be wanted and needed as much as I seemed to need other people, but no one ever showed it to me. Not my mom, not my family, not the stupid little friends I convinced myself I had. And so this longing grew and grew with me and now it's just there and it will never be fulfilled and it just feeds this ever present loneliness. So as I begin this New Year I feel like it's pretty pointless. Everything I do is pointless. I'm always gonna be like this. I'm always gonna be unhappy, lonely, selfish, needy, and envious of others' strong relationships, of their happiness. How am I supposed to continue now, if there's always just gonna be this sadness waiting just beneath the surface? How do I go on in the face of that? If only I was a god, I could find a quiet corner of the universe and just fade away. I could've done it long ago. But of course, it's never that easy is it?