I am so fucking scared.
I am scared, for every reason and for no reason. Something big is ending, and I'm not sure I've defined exactly what it is. Is it my childhood? My youth? My idealism? My passion? My dreams?
I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know and where that has always excited me it scares me. Because not knowing has always been fun up until now. Not knowing was fine, and okay, and young, and stupid. And I want to not know. But I feel like I should know. And feeling like I should know scares the crap out of me.
I really want Japan, and I don't know why. I don't want to be normal. I don't want 9 to 5. But does 9 to 5 have to be normal? What kind of misconceptions do I have about the "real world." Plenty, I'm sure.
I remember that going into the UF experience I thought it was going to be all liquor and nothing else. How wrong was I? How quickly was a proven wrong? How amazing is it that I can look back at that very specific poolside thought 4 years ago and see how WRONG I was. How amazingly, absolutely, astounding incorrect I was about my experiences here and everything that would accompany them.
I love this school. I love this campus. It has a life about it, a pulse... and living within it has made me unwittingly become tuned into this pulse. Does everywhere have a pulse? Is everywhere as wonderfully detailed, with nooks and crannies to appreciate? Does everywhere have somewhere magical like the Swamp or somewhere comfortable like Geoff's couch with Maverick licking at your heels?
I think anywhere I go will have that. Friendships will be made. Bonds will form. Some bonds will break, but these bonds are strong. These are bonds formed on independence. Bonds formed not because of social groupings or by mere proximity... but bonds formed on choice. They will last.
As much as I love the physical space I currently occupy, I can't stay here forever. I'm an adventurer... and where ever I end up is a new land. Japan would be amazing, but it's not necessary to become an adventurer. I can soak in Chicago culture just as I did with UF culture. Sure, Japanese culture would certainly be more interesting and different to soak in, but so what?
I've truly got my whole life ahead of me. I'm young, and I'll always been young. I'll always be pumbaa, a goof ball, like Joel's Mom...
Grownup stuff may swirl around me, may impact me, may freak me the fuck out... but I'll be young. I can do nothing BUT be young.
I'll be lonely, I'll be awkward, I'll miss places and things at times. But I'll fucking thrive. Because that's what I do. My dreams are constantly shifting, changing, and morphing. If I want to go to Japan, I can go to Japan. I need to seperate JET and Japan.
I'm calmer now. The tears have dried. The scale has, tentatively, evened out. I can certainly completely fuck up my life. But I could've done that the past 4 years. And I didn't. And I'm wiser, but not older. I know more, but I crave more.
I think I'm good at school, but I think I'm just good at learning. There is always something to learn... because even when there isn't there is always yourself. I'm not going to become anything I don't want to become... because I am me. I'm Benny. Goofy, happy-go-lucky, random ass Benny.
Just because I'm losing my surroundings doesn't mean I'm losing my identity. It is not college that has made me carefree, random, or goofy. It is my college experience that has reflected those aspects in me.
Mario in a business suit?
I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know and where that has always excited me it scares me. Because not knowing has always been fun up until now. Not knowing was fine, and okay, and young, and stupid. And I want to not know. But I feel like I should know. And feeling like I should know scares the crap out of me.
I really want Japan, and I don't know why. I don't want to be normal. I don't want 9 to 5. But does 9 to 5 have to be normal? What kind of misconceptions do I have about the "real world." Plenty, I'm sure.
I remember that going into the UF experience I thought it was going to be all liquor and nothing else. How wrong was I? How quickly was a proven wrong? How amazing is it that I can look back at that very specific poolside thought 4 years ago and see how WRONG I was. How amazingly, absolutely, astounding incorrect I was about my experiences here and everything that would accompany them.
I love this school. I love this campus. It has a life about it, a pulse... and living within it has made me unwittingly become tuned into this pulse. Does everywhere have a pulse? Is everywhere as wonderfully detailed, with nooks and crannies to appreciate? Does everywhere have somewhere magical like the Swamp or somewhere comfortable like Geoff's couch with Maverick licking at your heels?
I think anywhere I go will have that. Friendships will be made. Bonds will form. Some bonds will break, but these bonds are strong. These are bonds formed on independence. Bonds formed not because of social groupings or by mere proximity... but bonds formed on choice. They will last.
As much as I love the physical space I currently occupy, I can't stay here forever. I'm an adventurer... and where ever I end up is a new land. Japan would be amazing, but it's not necessary to become an adventurer. I can soak in Chicago culture just as I did with UF culture. Sure, Japanese culture would certainly be more interesting and different to soak in, but so what?
I've truly got my whole life ahead of me. I'm young, and I'll always been young. I'll always be pumbaa, a goof ball, like Joel's Mom...
Grownup stuff may swirl around me, may impact me, may freak me the fuck out... but I'll be young. I can do nothing BUT be young.
I'll be lonely, I'll be awkward, I'll miss places and things at times. But I'll fucking thrive. Because that's what I do. My dreams are constantly shifting, changing, and morphing. If I want to go to Japan, I can go to Japan. I need to seperate JET and Japan.
I'm calmer now. The tears have dried. The scale has, tentatively, evened out. I can certainly completely fuck up my life. But I could've done that the past 4 years. And I didn't. And I'm wiser, but not older. I know more, but I crave more.
I think I'm good at school, but I think I'm just good at learning. There is always something to learn... because even when there isn't there is always yourself. I'm not going to become anything I don't want to become... because I am me. I'm Benny. Goofy, happy-go-lucky, random ass Benny.
Just because I'm losing my surroundings doesn't mean I'm losing my identity. It is not college that has made me carefree, random, or goofy. It is my college experience that has reflected those aspects in me.
Mario in a business suit?