Letting Go
I don't know what's wrong with me... I suddenly feel dejected... there's something lacking or wrong here. I don't know what exactly it is... I think a problem would be that every time an opportunity comes up, it's like I don't allow myself to take up on it -- something holds me back. Like I get asked to do stuff a lot of times and sometimes, or maybe even instinctually, I think "I shouldn't". Is it out of habit or do I just repress myself inherently?
That certainly is the question... And after rejecting, I think, "Why?? Why do I do that to myself?" One would think that being 18 and in a few weeks, turn 19, that I am old enough now to make decisions for myself. The trouble is, I always worry about it... like neurotically. I don't think people really understand how neurotic I can be. I don't know why I don't agree to do things, even though they may be harmless or what. Do I fear sponteneity? Not being in control of what's to occur? Or is it dissappointment from my parents? Sure, I feel an obligation for them, but I don't think that needs to hinder in the things I want to do... yet, in all honesty I think it does. It's difficult to reconcile the two. And such little things gets turned into such big deals for me.
...I think I may be still quite stuck in the mode of when my parents were really protective of me and wouldn't let me do anything. Now I do have some freedoms... but I think the difference here is that, I still have not broken away from them just yet -- so in effect, I don't really have those freedoms, do I? If that is the case, it's certainly limited. But there is this sort of psychological thing going on as well. At times, I wish that I can just do things for the hell of it and not have a damn care in the world for whoever or whatever... Yet, I fear that and I don't even think I can do that... and maybe it is because it's something I've never done before. For a long time I thought I was pretty stable but perhaps, it's just the opposite.
But that time needs to come at some point -- I don't even know how to approach that. I wonder if I can ever really let go of my worries because for a long time and right now, I feel like I can't. I just can't. It's an equivalent feeling of being paralyzed. I don't know if it's because I never have or if it has more to do with my cautiousness building a defensive barrier. In trying to think of all the people that have been/are in my life, I do not think any one of them have truly "come through" for me. They seem to always fall short, no matter how great they are/seem to be. Somehow, they let me down in one way or another and it hurts... And they all usually don't even realize it and kinda leave me behind that way. What is worse than directly looking at someone, knowing that s/he has hurt you, and s/he goes about their usual business without even realizing what they've done? For me, not much else.
Maybe that is why I find it so hard in trusting people. When you hurt inside, you really *hurt*. It's not a sensation that you want to be feeling often. I defitnitely think I guard myself against that very much so. I think some people try to do whatever it takes in preventing that, including shutting themselves to others. Once I lose the trust for others, it's difficult for anyone to get that back.
But eh, too many questions and not nearly enough answers. Maybe I just care too much or just haven't learned to let go quite yet.
That certainly is the question... And after rejecting, I think, "Why?? Why do I do that to myself?" One would think that being 18 and in a few weeks, turn 19, that I am old enough now to make decisions for myself. The trouble is, I always worry about it... like neurotically. I don't think people really understand how neurotic I can be. I don't know why I don't agree to do things, even though they may be harmless or what. Do I fear sponteneity? Not being in control of what's to occur? Or is it dissappointment from my parents? Sure, I feel an obligation for them, but I don't think that needs to hinder in the things I want to do... yet, in all honesty I think it does. It's difficult to reconcile the two. And such little things gets turned into such big deals for me.
...I think I may be still quite stuck in the mode of when my parents were really protective of me and wouldn't let me do anything. Now I do have some freedoms... but I think the difference here is that, I still have not broken away from them just yet -- so in effect, I don't really have those freedoms, do I? If that is the case, it's certainly limited. But there is this sort of psychological thing going on as well. At times, I wish that I can just do things for the hell of it and not have a damn care in the world for whoever or whatever... Yet, I fear that and I don't even think I can do that... and maybe it is because it's something I've never done before. For a long time I thought I was pretty stable but perhaps, it's just the opposite.
But that time needs to come at some point -- I don't even know how to approach that. I wonder if I can ever really let go of my worries because for a long time and right now, I feel like I can't. I just can't. It's an equivalent feeling of being paralyzed. I don't know if it's because I never have or if it has more to do with my cautiousness building a defensive barrier. In trying to think of all the people that have been/are in my life, I do not think any one of them have truly "come through" for me. They seem to always fall short, no matter how great they are/seem to be. Somehow, they let me down in one way or another and it hurts... And they all usually don't even realize it and kinda leave me behind that way. What is worse than directly looking at someone, knowing that s/he has hurt you, and s/he goes about their usual business without even realizing what they've done? For me, not much else.
Maybe that is why I find it so hard in trusting people. When you hurt inside, you really *hurt*. It's not a sensation that you want to be feeling often. I defitnitely think I guard myself against that very much so. I think some people try to do whatever it takes in preventing that, including shutting themselves to others. Once I lose the trust for others, it's difficult for anyone to get that back.
But eh, too many questions and not nearly enough answers. Maybe I just care too much or just haven't learned to let go quite yet.