commentary track: "Gone Hollywood"
[Both gvambat and karabair asked for commentary on the Joss/Wesley fic, Gone Hollywood.]
This fic kind of has its own running commentary track (see warnings, broken fourth wall), and is already meta-as-fuck, but let's see if we can't meta it even more.
Title: "Gone Hollywood" The title came to me almost immediately once I finally decided to write this fic (which had been in my head for a long time), but I kept on coming up with other, alternate titles (for instance, "Pygmalion, King of LA," and "Three Costume Parties"). Eventually, of course, I stuck with "Gone Hollywood," which works, since it covers most of the important arcs -- Joss's, Alexis's, and the weird Wesley/Joss story that they're telling each other.
Fandom: Joss Rather than call my Joss/Alexis stuff Jossverse RPS, I should just call it Joss. Especially here, where it's both the Jossverse and the metaverse that are being fangirled. Really, I am just a *Joss* fan, and everyone knows it.
Pairing(s): Joss/Alexis, Joss/Wesley
Other Pairings Mentioned: Joss-->Nate UST, Aly/Alexis, Joss/Kai, Wesley/Fred, Wesley/Lilah, Wesley/Illyria I always save the headers for last, especially when I'm really excited about them, as I was here. I loved listing off these pairings. :)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: RPS. FPS. Fantasy. Reality. Sex. Power. Costumes. Boyslash. Het (non-graphic). Auto-eroticism. Pretension (Joss's). Pretension (Alexis's). Pretension (mine). Broken fourth wall. Shifting point of view. Alcoholic beverages. Character death (fictional). Cancellation of shows (sadly not fictional.) When I wrote, I kept a mental list of potential squicks to put in the warnings list, which of course is partially a joke, since I assume anyone who saw "Joss/Wesley" and said "oooh!" rather than "ewww!" would be okay with most of these.
Spoilers/Timeline: Season three of Angel through "Not Fade Away," with references to canonical metaverse events mentioned in commentaries on the S5 DVDs.
Notes: Buffyworld is my friend. Thanks to hermionesviolin for help in formulating one of the crucial connections.
Disclaimer: All the parts that aren't filthy lies about Joss's sex life, um, belong to Joss.
Bonus DVD extra feature! The extended disclaimer:
Wesley belongs to Joss. And Joss isn't real. I mean, my Joss isn't real. Alexis Denisof is real, but sane. Nathan Fillion is also real. Firefly was really cancelled. The rest is lies! Except Wesley, Lilah, Fred, and Illyria, who are fictional and belong to Joss. Joss, as represented in this fic, belongs to me, but the real life Joss Whedon does not. The real life Joss Whedon owns a great many things, none of which are me, and one of which is Wesley, and none of which are Alexis Denisof, as far as I know.
Summary: Joss Whedon is Pygmalion, King of LA, in love with his own creation. And I got to use the Pygmalion reference after all.
Words: 3329
Gone Hollywood
This fic had been in my head for a very long time, probably since I started shipping Joss/Alexis. I love Alexis Denisof, but really, only insofar as he's the actor who plays Wesley, whom I adore. Joss/Alexis is interesting to me from Joss's perspective, in Joss's head, and part of it has to do with a writer/director and the actor who played the character he loved the most. I loved the idea of Joss wanting Wesley, not Alexis, and them both getting off on the role-playing. I might've mentioned this to Gvambat, and then I had this conversation with Elizabeth here, in which some more of the crucial connections were formulated, and I realized that costuming and roleplaying within Angel itself would be interesting to compare to the major roleplay that was central to the fic.
I was in the middle of NaNo (just like, you know, less than a month ago) when I decided the time had come; I had to write this fic. It had been sitting in my head for long enough; the ideas were all there. I just needed to get them onto paper.
Joss starts this fantasy with his hand holding his dick, I started right here for several reasons, one of which was that I absolutely didn't want anyone to get squicked more than they had to. If the idea of Joss masturbating squicks you the fuck out, then you'd get this far and hit the back button, hopefully without flaming me. but he won't start to stroke himself till he's buried in the fantasy, grinding away at it in the single-minded way of men throughout time, Joss is fucking a fantasy. This is very male, masculine. Later I'll talk about gender some more, I think. tunnel-visioned on the objective, which tonight is orgasm. But he starts from scratch, limp and lame, just the barest flashes of setting: Joss fantasizes the way he writes (Or, okay, the way *I* write, which is just one more level of meta). an empty room dusted by the props people made to look gritty. This is as good a place as any to explain another thing about my RPS-impulse. To me, the most important thing about Joss Whedon is that he created the Buffyverse (and Firefly) and is a writer/director/artist. The TV shows are all he is. And the Buffyverse is one of the most important things in my life right now. My fantasy is that Joss, too, thinks only in terms of the Buffyverse, that it's as central to *his* life as it is to mine. He gradually erases the remnants of these artists from his mind, Joss would like to imagine himself a solo artist -- most other people, I think, imagine Joss as extremely self-centered, the ultimate whiny and arrogant artist. My Joss is a heckuva lot less confident in himself -- except in this fic, where he really is that arrogant. And also, as will become apparent, deeply fucked-up. the lighting technician, Casey's crack team of set designers. Does it somehow feel more realistic because I know the names of the crew members? He's designed the whole thing himself, from the shape of the room to the texture of the shadows to the populous. Joss's arrogance -- but the populous, of course, he really did invent -- it's him and Wes. And now he imagines he's lying not on an almost-comfy hotel bed somewhere-in-LA but on a wine-soaked mattress somewhere-else-in-LA. But still, always, LA. They can't escape. He opens his eyes. In the fantasy.
Wesley's facing the window (high on the wall so you can't see out, just note that it's a natural light source) I mentioned in the "Amoral Boundaries" commentary that I liked using characters' own frame of reference for description, and that's what's going on here. A window is a light source in the mind of a director. and looking like Alexis is sick of "saying nothing and feeling glum" Alexis never said this in real life, as far as I know, but Joss is quoting him. which has been his character arc for too long. He turns and wears a thin grey smile of desire. Joss costumes him quickly in leather and polishes the buckle of his belt. I like the way fantasy/story-telling works. His heart thuds; he's halfway to erect and whispers, "Action." Oh, Joss.
"So," Wesley says. "You're here again." He absorbs all the moisture in the room and there's a moment of lip-licking, nervous anticipation, fear for own sanity, and so forth and then Wesley crouches next to the mattress and puts one hand on each of Joss's legs. "Are you ready?"
Writing Wes's dialogue turned out to be the hardest part of this whole fic. You'd think that Joss has Wes's voice down pat, since he writes him for a living, but the Wesley of Joss's fantasies is not quite the Wesley of TV's Angel. For instance, he's fucking Joss.
Joss is ready now, all the way hard. He leans back and lets Wesley suck his cock. He forces himself to keep going despite the director's desire to fade to black before the messiness of semen and regret. Another difference between TV!Wesley and fantasy!Wesley Eyes closed, real hand and imagined mouth What's happening is Joss is jerking off and thinking about Wes, but don't you think it's prettier the way I wrote it? and he orgasms and thinks of Wesley, though possibly in the other order. This one.two.punch is (hopefully) classic Whedon.
And then he rolls over and sleeps. He's just this guy, you know?
The fantasy world is porous I really wanted to include that word in the description of what was going on. and admits of easy changes in geography and time frame that wouldn't be allowed in any self-respecting artist's creation, Okay, see the meta? Because this fantasy is my creation and I have some self-respect, I do! but porn and art are somewhat opposite, living at right angles in Joss's mind. This is a fundamental distinction here. Art lies in capturing the frame just so, the moments before and after fucking when there's tenderness or fear, exhilaration and regret. I think that this is true. The moment itself is singularly uninspiring Except it's the part that feels the best unless, of course, someone loses his soul, and then all bets are off. I'm sure that Joss uses slayerverse metaphors all the time in thinking about his own life. Really!
The real world (to return to the comparison begun previously) See? Broken fourth wall. is essentially essentialist You can tell it's my fic from phrasing like that. and also opaque. Joss is an existentialist "OIS"-commentary-canon and carves his worlds from airy nothing, but he is also a lapsed Christian I won't make him angst about it, though, because that would be ooc and catering solely to my kinks, while the rest of this fic is in no way whatsoever self-indulgent and finds belief creeping into his worlds when he most wants them simplistic. Oh, this is *so* true. AtS's Powers That Be, for instance. He believes, for instance, that Alexis doesn't love him. Like I criticize your segues?
In one of his own shows, this would be true, because nothing is more interesting (at least for a season or two) And the audience goes, "please, Joss, give it a rest!" than unrequited love especially when the victim is universally adored and clearly deserves better and is as perfectly charming as Aly's Willow or, to choose an example perfectly at random, Alexis's Wesley. I think of myself as Joss's Ideal Audience Member because I really do love Willow's Xandercrush and Wesley's Fredcrush. I know not all of fandom agrees with me, but Joss is delusional. As will becoming blindingly apparent. Joss has a long history of unrequited love both in fiction and in what passes for reality, Because this fic is also fiction and I don't know what Joss's real life was like but I'm getting tied in meta-knots again... but now he is happily married to a woman who loves him, and additionally, secretly, Alexis is in love with him. I keep on wandering away from the point but eventually I find my way back.
This would surprise Joss if he knew. It probably surprises you. It certainly surprised me. I broke that wall but good, huh? And it would surprise me because I'm addicted to the unrequited love theme as much as Joss is. It's unexpected, because Alexis is the prettiest He *is*! and Joss is, in his own words and in his own thoughts, homely. I want to make it clear to you, gentle reader, that *I* don't think Joss is homely. *He* does. It's canon! Besides which, Alexis is dating Alyson Hannigan, and he's already told Joss -- when it was clearly going to become a Thing -- that he doesn't date his co-workers. Also canon, from a couple of sources -- that he told it to Aly, not to Joss! -- Alexis doesn't date co-workers.
I've also changed the story a little, of course -- I'd written two other Joss/Alexis pieces and Fix It In Post was pretty much a classic tale of unrequited love. This was not the story I was playing with here, so I made it explicitly different. What's about to happen, incidentally, is *exactly* why Alexis *shouldn't* date co-workers.
But Alexis has fallen prey to the actor's greatest temptation, and he has fallen in love with his own talent. There. I've thought of a plausible reason for him to fall in love with Joss. And Joss Whedon is the man -- it sometimes seems to Alexis the only man -- who can appreciate that talent. They're this little circle jerk of talent, you know? Alexis loves that Joss makes him sit in the same darkened apartment set every week and pretend to be sad, that Joss thinks his sitting sadly is the most brilliant drama that America has ever seen. And this is funny because I SO AGREE WITH HIM! And thus again, Ari is standing in as Joss's Ideal Audience (JIA).
At the season three wrap party at Aly and Alexis's house, Mere Smith gets drunk in the guest bedroom, Personal fanon, also shows up in Tipsy, Thanksgiving, Need. Yes, I have personal RPS!verse fanon. Color me pathetic. and Alexis propositions Joss out in the garden. (This, by the way, is really happening, though Joss remains convinced that he's gotten trapped in his own fantasy world for a good twenty-four hours afterwards.) This parenthetical note is needed to keep you the reader relatively sure of what's going on. He suggests, sloppy with drink, that if Joss really loved him, he'd be on his knees right now giving him a blowjob, This is one of those things that I think can be funny since they're both men, but if Alexis said it to, for instance, Aly, it would be sexual harassment. It's the whole teenage-boy if you really loved me thing, and it makes me giggle. I'm probably a bad person, but then, I wrote this fic, so we all know that! which is slightly more pornographic an image than Joss imagined for their first time, He's a romantic at heart, you know. and an image of himself that's more submissive than he really likes to acknowledge. My Joss, as you know if you followed the link to Tipsy, Thanksgiving, Need, is a completely submissive little bitch. So Joss says (causing a twenty-four hour period of kicking himself following the day of denial) no. Cast parties cause so much angst.
Alexis shrugs and is immediately tackled by David Boreanaz, who's also more than a little drunk, and sent flying into the pool.
If Angel ever did that kind of stupid prank to Wesley again, America would weep with joy, Joss thinks, a little weepy himself, and promptly passes out. Heeee! Ari still standing in as JIA, and it's funny because... because it's D.Boreanaz and A.Denisof and while I'm not a shipper of them, I still find it funny.
When he starts thinking about it as a serious thing and not just a drunken lark or a delirious fantasy, and realizes that he said no, Joss promptly starts drinking and doodling at the same time and it is during this period that the basic outlines of seasons four and seven are conceived, which makes Jasmine the lovechild of Joss and Alexis. Okay, *that* is funny. Although technically Jasmine was thought of later, since this was pre C.Carpenter's pregnancy threw a wrench in the S4 arc. But regardless! Joss gets drunk and writes goodfic. Love. But none of this has happened yet, and Joss is hungry and horny and hasn't even been out slaying lately. He writes bring back Faith! in the margin and lies down to wank. As in, masturbate, duh. It's Ari who's fanwanking here. I like the idea that major plot points happen because of things Joss thought of when on a whim.
But the usual constructed fantasies of men who look something like Alexis but with Britisher accents See, with Joss, one can make up words like "Britisher" and it's in character. and something like Wesley but with less moral compunctions about fucking him senseless See, fantasy!Wesley not quite TV!Wesley are weird and hollow wind-caverns, and all he can hear is the sound of his own voice. Which is different how?
So during the long summer doldrums, I did a tiny bit of timeline research, but not much, and probably the summer doldrums for them start a few months earlier than for the TV fans, but whatever. when Joss has the whole gang over for reading Shakespeare More canon. and drinking beer, he manages to pull Alexis away from Aly for long enough to suggest to him that if he really wanted sex, he'd have to do better than garden (variety) blowjob fantasies. Alexis looks at him like he's totally mad then, realizing what he means, begins to giggle in a way which Joss attributes to the quality of the beer. I just realized that Alexis is the World's Most Perceptive Man here, figuring out what Joss wants. Ooops.
He switches accents and says, voice heavy with liquor in a way that it wasn't a minute ago, *swoons a bit at Alexis's fake!drunk!British accent "You want me to be him, don't you?" He leans so close that Joss can see the tiny nicks on his skin where he shaved this morning, the tiny hairs that will, in a few days' time, be stubble. To quote Alexis, "Do not grow! Do not grow!"
"Yes?" Aww. Joss is this squeaky insecure little girl!
And Wesley laughs, not cruelly, equally amused with himself for coming to a rich Hollywood television party with Cordelia as with the sleazy director who's trying to turn him -- him! Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, former rogue demon hunter, current head of a supernatural detective agency -- into an actor. Joss's brain is on crack.
Joss hopes Alexis understands all this, and it's possible that if he had a pen he would, literally, start writing Alexis's lines on his hand so he wouldn't ruin the moment. Control freak much? But he's got no pen, so they improvise a scene that works for Joss and works for Alexis too, in ways that are making Joss increasingly uncomfortable Honestly, though, I think Alexis is weirder for getting hard from acting. with the close proximity of Tony reading Lear and the unfortunately un-funny irony of Charisma butchering the role of Lear's youngest daughter. The Lear was for you, karabair. I think C.Carpenter is a good actor but... better at certain kinds of roles than others.
Alexis thinks method is a wanky and pretentious way of saying let's pretend, I wasn't sure what method really was, but I wikipedia'd it and thought I had a pretty good idea... Alexis, I imagine, would be a British character actor since he was classically trained? and isn't totally comfortable with having Joss encouraging him to be someone he's not, but the someone he's not is bored and angry and can think of no way to make Angel angrier than sleeping with Lilah Morgan, but Lilah's currently otherwise engaged and one of her friends in the movie industry takes Wesley aside and offers him amusement in the form of sex that will make Lilah jealous Alexis's fantasy is entirely different from Joss's and even set in a different season, and them operating at totally cross-purposes here is part of the point, and he's not sure why he'd want to make Lilah jealous, since he certainly isn't in love with her, Alexis, I think, thinks Wesley is in love with Lilah but refusing to admit it to himself, which is slightly more simplistic than my interpreation of Wesley/Lilah, and here's where I ran into the problem of having five people in a two-person sex-scene (Joss, Alexis, Alexis's Wesley, Joss's Wesley, and my Wesley) but here he is, and here Joss is, looking very much like he wants to be kissed. Wesley doesn't consider it, just plunges (though it takes Alexis a long minute to figure out whether Wesley's kissed a guy before; he finally decides he probably has, though he's not sure how accurate his assumptions about Wesley's sexuality can be, based as they are on Joss's... thing, whatever it is. He decides it's safest to close his eyes and kiss Joss.) Alexis, too, is getting caught up in the meta of this moment. Wesley is this creature not entirely controlled by any of us (Joss, Alexis, me), and there was this question I too was facing about Wesley's possible bisexuality. For one thing, I wasn't sure about Wes/Angel, and whether Joss, Alexis, or possibly both, would acknowledge it as a subtextual Thing. (I know there's also Wes/Gunn, but Wes/Angel is *my* Wes slash pairing of choice, and of course it fits more nicely into the themes of the fic. But it didn't actually show up, so it's something of a moot point...)
Whoever he is. And the commentary just killed *that* dramatic paragraph break.
Whoever he is, he's got Joss in a death-grip that might be Alexis's nerves and might be Wes's issues, but either way Joss doesn't think he can breathe around the tongue that's in his mouth. He closes his eyes and lets this be him, the guy who goes to parties and goes home with the prettiest person there. Oh Joss. *cuddles him* I needed to be In Alexis/Wesley's point of view for a minute because I honestly would have had *no* idea what was going on otherwise, but I feel much more comfortable in Joss's. He forgets that this is his house, forgets that Alexis is his actor, forgets even, for a moment, that Wesley is his creation. I fall in love with my characters (and not just the ones I steal from Joss) all the time, and it doesn't really have anything to do with 'oh, look how clever I am.' How could he have created a man out of clay, a man so perfect, so fleshy and real, a man with breath and speech and words enough? He can't've. Okay, so there's a little of the arrogance of creation in there. Can't really avoid it.
He can't be the man whom Wesley's chosen, and in his mind he knows he's not. He's the glitter I like glitter as a metaphor a *lot* of demon-haunted Hollywood, the appeal of another life, the personification of up-by-bootstraps America that is the antithesis of Wesley's highbred fall from grace. This meta-story that's going on doesn't need to be any more sophisticated than neccessary for Joss to get off, but I like these ideas about why Wesley might fall in love with someone like Joss. Joss feels the unanticipated voyeuristic thrill of knowing Wesley's heart and knowing he can break it, This is one of my favorite things about this pairing -- Since Joss *made* Wesley, he knows absolutley what makes him tick knowing he has broken it time and time again. He curls into Wesley's arms and lets their arms tangle, lets the connections connection OOOOPS! Typo. *goes to fix* bind them. Lear ends with death, and Kai plays a dirge. I don't feel guilty at all about making Joss commit adultery since it's all made up anyhow. "Come to my bedroom," says Joss, in a voice he hopes is enticing and captivating but that doesn't really matter, because what he says in this moment is far less important than who he is, and by whom Wesley is pretended to be. It's just about who they are -- but it's not that simple, of course. And there's that lovely complicated syntax. :)
What matters is that Alexis says, "Of course," and accents it just so, sneers his yes. He's not too innocent for chance encounters with bleached blonds, Extreme fanwankery at its finest! :) but he's got a lonely look in his eyes that can't be feigned. Joss Whedon, master of stage and screen, is taken in by the oldest lie in the book, But it looks so REAL! and thinks Wesley means it when he comes to bed with him, thinks that Wesley's fingers penetrate him, that that's Wesley's hand on the small of his back. Joss isn't really deceived, but he lets himself be lied to, just for now. It feels right; it feels like release.
+++++
And here we end section I, the first costume party. It might've ended there if Elizabeth hadn't pointed out that it's just like Lilah wearing Fredlike clothes...
Wesley's been keeping a woman chained in his closet all summer and searching the ocean for Angel, and (tappa tappa typewriter keys) A clue that we're in Joss's head at the moment in the end his dignity is restored, which is a happier ending than Joss had in mind before he had Wes's dick in his mouth, I really like the idea that Joss's relationship with Alexis(Wesley) would change the reality of the Slayerverse. but now that he's felt it, now that he knows the heaviness, now that he knows how Wesley sounds when he comes, he feels uneasy about deliberately setting out to ruin his life and tear his soul from his body. It wouldn't be, to borrow Wesley's vernacular, sporting. I'm not sure how real or serious any of this is given that it's all an elaborate game, which is what I enjoy so much about it.
But before letting the woman out of the closet for good and giving Wesley his final shot at redemption to squander away, Joss dresses Stephanie up like Lilah dressed as Fred, and Wesley loves it. The segue could've been better, maybe, but I love the layered costuming.
Alexis loves it more. Alexis does the scene so many times Joss's eyes start to glaze over, and every take, the desire is just as fresh. Alexis refuses to claim that he's a method actor, but whence then that lust? Joss is still being taken in by Alexis's exceptionally good acting. It isn't Stephanie, who keeps giggling and saying, "Faster, Wes, faster!" between takes in a too-perfect imitation of Amy's drawl; Writing RPS is really hard for me since I don't know the actors that well at *all*. But S.Romanov is being funny here; I think kidding and joking around suits all the AtS actors that might turn some men on, but Alexis isn't one of them. Alexis is immune to Amy mostly, Joss thinks, because he already has one; Amy is softer-spoken and more hero-worshippy than Alyson, which is why he loves her best
This is where I want to talk about gender. I know many people are squicked by Joss's obvious attraction to A.Acker, and I'm, um, not really one of them, but when I got to this part of the story I *was* squicked by Joss getting off on her hero-worshipping him, and I realized that this story has to be slash. I mean, it works best with Alexis/Wesley I think because I get to play around with that Wes/Lilah scene and since I find Alexis prettiest and Wesley most interesting, etc. But theoretically I guess it could be Tony Head or A.Hallet or S.Green. But I think when you've got a female actor there, it becomes a different story, and the gender politics of it and it becomes like that sleazy director Cordy had to deal with that one time, which is not the story I wanted to tell at all. karabair has mentioned a few times that this could be a non-fannish story (with identifying details changed, obviously) and I admit that in the letting-it-live-in-my-brain stage, I considered that, and tried to figure out which gender balance would work, and I almost feel it needs to be boy or girlslash, since anything else and the politics of heterosexuality take over.
Back to the story:
and gave her the all-time best gig ever and made her the object of Wesley's considerable libido, Joss, you are so weird. but Alexis doesn't go for that sort of thing. But Wesley does. Wesley !=Alexis. And Wesley says, over and over, every take, "leave them on." The camera loves Stephanie's gracenote, that startled vulnerability Which I didn't notice till I listened to the commentary because, like Joss:, but Joss trusts the cameraman to do his job and focuses on Wesley himself and the moment when he gives himself over to whatever it is that's going through his head. This is all about what's going on in people's heads! You can't tell, really; he's wearing the mask for Lilah's sake. She knows his vulnerability, of course, but they both maintain this pretense that Wes has a secret that Lilah's trying to steal. If they confessed their love... Joss gets a happy shiver from the twistedness, And there's Joss's interpretation of the Weslah. and then Vern calls cut, and Alexis kisses him (Joss, that is. But it would be funny if he kissed Vern! I checked Buffyworld to see who directed the ep. Vern Gillum either doesn't notice or notices and ignore it, figuring that in the TV industry, it's only weird they waited till he was done with the shot). If they hadn't waited, does that mean it's on tape somewhere, and can I watch? Joss blinks and wonders if he missed something, and he must've dozed off at least a little there, because Alexis managed to swipe the glasses. Convenient. He wrinkles his nose at Joss almost playfully, and Joss knows how the scene plays out.
He can't be Lilah or Fred, because he's too male and portly I liked that word so much I used it twice, and had to cut one of them. for either of them to pretend, but when he wears the glasses, he might just look like the kind of human being Wesley could admire. This is where the pairing bears some resemblance to Angel/Wesley. He swipes at the glasses, and Alexis lowers his voice to Wesley's growl and says, "Leave them on." Eeee! (Yes, that moment really did just make me squeal, proving I am equally as fucked as Joss or Alexis.
And he does.
He wears them at odd hours, though he doesn't need glasses to see, he pretends that he's blind without them. And seeing the world through Lilah-Fred's glasses is almost fascinating enough to enable him to keep his eyes off Alexis -- though both Fred and Lilah keep sneaking glances at Wesley when they should be keeping their mind on more important things, like saving the world and destroying it. If you've been following these commentaries, you'll recognize this as a theme from "Library Science," where Fred contemplates the meaning of glasses. I like the literal idea of seeing the world through someone else's eyes, which of course mirrors what Alexis is doing when he plays Wesley. Joss, on the other hand, has nothing better to do, because it's not like he's got three shows in the air and a baby on the way See, I got it right this time! (In "Tipsy, Thanksgiving, Need," I mistakenly gave the baby to Alexis and Aly.) and a wife at home, a fucktoy on the set of Angel, and Nate. But really, let's not get into Nate. Alexis is complicated enough. I felt I had to give that a nod (and not just for Elizabeth's sake), but couldn't really elaborate because, as I said, Alexis is complicated enough. For serious.
Joss rides this wave like a champion surfer heading for certain wipeout. You win some, you lose some; this year is pretty much a lost cause when it comes to the shows. Not because he doesn't love them, because he does -- he dives into each one as deeply as he can and emerges breathless, choked by the saltwater love affair he's having with Nate Firefly I don't think he's actually fucking Nate; that would, indeed, be too confusing. But he's sure as hell in love with him. And lo, the joys of internet formatting, which I very rarely abuse, but in this case... and the pain of losing it even while he's pulling all-nighters trying to hold on.
The thing bears mentioning. It's only during after twenty-four hours of being awake writing "Objects in Space" that he actually calls Alexis at home. Alexis, God knows, shouldn't be at home; he should be on his set, and Aly should be on hers, but they've both stayed home instead, and Joss awakens a groggy Alexis who wants to know what time it is and if Joss is really crazy enough to think that he's getting out of bed and going into the study to fuck Joss, even if he is wearing the fucking Fred glasses, Joss, really, what? Joss is going craaazy!
Joss forgot that Alexis leaves Wesley behind at work. Got this from a con report I googled. He remembers now, though, and crawls -- maybe walks -- okay, minces Joss is such a girl, oh yes. -- into Alexis's dressing room to look for him.
It bears repeating: he's tired. He's not had enough coffee. He's making excuses. Alexis just told him to fuck off if he's going to fuck around, so Joss does the sane OMG SO NOT SANE! thing and finds his way into Wesley's apartment, which is deserted at this hour because Wesley's out saving the world like a good hero does (*shiver*) Joss's own stories make him squeal. Not only is he a girl, he's also me!, and curls up on his bed like an overweight That's the place where "portly" was and I had to cut it. male Lilah and waits.
While we're waiting for Wes to get home, and while we're discussing how Joss=me!, I should mention that I did contemplate doing a self-insert consisting of JIA, but I think wisely decided against it. Not inconsiderable crush on Joss aside, neither I nor any other fangirls belong in this fic, and I think a Mary Sue would be just been too *much* meta, made the whole thing a silly parody. It's still jussst on this side of real, which is why I love it.
"Why am I not surprised that you're here?"
"Oh, the super let me in," Joss explains to Wesley, who's rolling his eyes belligerently. "I figured you wouldn't mind, seeing as it's me." Wesley rolls his eyes again and unbuttons his shirt so Joss can see the first tendrils of chest hair. I guess if you're attracted to guys that kind of thing is sexy?
"I'll have to get my lock changed again," Wesley says. "Lilah keeps getting copies of the key."
Joss is temporarily confused; he thought this scene was happening much earlier, It was a small thing, but I liked that they were imagining totally different things. but no, you can't get that curl of hair in season one. It would be out of character. Disappointing. Wesley doesn't have chest hair in S1. That is *funny*. He shakes his head free of the confusion and unfolds himself to be fucked.
But Wesley shakes his head and rearranges Joss's shirt and tells him no. "Tonight, I'll let you fuck me in disguise," he says, and puts the glasses on the table. He undresses and is Joss's, See, that ownership thing woulda been hella squicky in het, but I like this. for this morning. Joss is too dazed and expressionless to enjoy that Wesley wants to be screwed (over) (again) (and again).
He's a glutton for nobility. In the end, Joss will give him what he wants, and let him die. And the fact that Joss has ultimate control over Wesley's life puts him in control...
+++++
They kill him softly. First Firefly, and Nate. Next Buffy, and Sarah. And now Angel. Alexis and Aly's wedding hurt nothing like this; See, I think AtS and Wesley are way more important to Joss than Alexis is. he thinks he could survive another blow so long as it wasn't below the belt, but the love he has for Angel is definitely located somewhere in the lower half of his body. The baser half. The I-want-to-be-a-millionaire half who could make or break the careers of young stars and sexually harass his minions. Joss has a hard-on for his show, oh wow! Firefly was a family that was incestuously joyous. Based on the descriptions in the DVD commentaries, also, subtle nod to Simon/River. Angel is nothing like a family. They're all chomping at the bit and ready to catch the first stagecoach out of this town. Both the characters and the actors. Andy pops open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the cancellation. DVD extras canon. They say goodbye to Charisma.
And Alexis stopped fucking him when he got married. I have serious problems with maintaining momentum through the last scenes of a story; this one was no exception, so I skimmed a lot.
This makes sense but is still surprising. He's lived so long in the glitter-glitz world of film noir Love on the glitter-metaphor! that he's forgotten in the real world people don't do things like what they've been doing. He's been living so long in the sordid world of backwater planets and back-alley Los Angeles and High School, USA See? The TV shows are my life, so they must be Joss's too! that he's forgotten the basic truths: men are loyal to their wives, love their children, writers walk away from their worlds a little older, wiser, and balder, and everyone betrays you in the end. Nice.
California is known for its earthquakes. This particular one leaves Joss desolate, stranded high up in an apartment crunching out the final words of the final scene of the final episode of the last television show he will ever make. He can't do it. He can't end this thing.
He turns the pages, examining each dirty, half-finished scene, the unwashed plates, the imperfect ending to five-six-seven imperfect lives. He leaves the last scene for another day, and decides, in the grand tradition of authors since Moses, I could probably have come up with a better example if I tried... that inserting his own life into the script won't hurt anyone but him. This is what he writes:
The first lesson a watcher learns is to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do. The truth is that Fred is gone. To pretend anything else would be a lie. And since I don't actually intend to die tonight, I won't accept a lie.
This is why Wesley won't sleep with Illyria. It's why Alexis won't sleep with him.
It makes him feel a little better.
This was the third costume party, Illyria-as-Fred, and I brought them all down to reality -- Wesley, Alexis (finally being noble and not cheating on Aly anymore) and Joss too, who's ended this thing, this fantastic journey that was AtS. I don't know what to do with the actual "lie to me" scene where Wes says go ahead and do it... but... I've run out of things to say.
Thanks, all, for listening to me babble.
This fic kind of has its own running commentary track (see warnings, broken fourth wall), and is already meta-as-fuck, but let's see if we can't meta it even more.
Title: "Gone Hollywood" The title came to me almost immediately once I finally decided to write this fic (which had been in my head for a long time), but I kept on coming up with other, alternate titles (for instance, "Pygmalion, King of LA," and "Three Costume Parties"). Eventually, of course, I stuck with "Gone Hollywood," which works, since it covers most of the important arcs -- Joss's, Alexis's, and the weird Wesley/Joss story that they're telling each other.
Fandom: Joss Rather than call my Joss/Alexis stuff Jossverse RPS, I should just call it Joss. Especially here, where it's both the Jossverse and the metaverse that are being fangirled. Really, I am just a *Joss* fan, and everyone knows it.
Pairing(s): Joss/Alexis, Joss/Wesley
Other Pairings Mentioned: Joss-->Nate UST, Aly/Alexis, Joss/Kai, Wesley/Fred, Wesley/Lilah, Wesley/Illyria I always save the headers for last, especially when I'm really excited about them, as I was here. I loved listing off these pairings. :)
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: RPS. FPS. Fantasy. Reality. Sex. Power. Costumes. Boyslash. Het (non-graphic). Auto-eroticism. Pretension (Joss's). Pretension (Alexis's). Pretension (mine). Broken fourth wall. Shifting point of view. Alcoholic beverages. Character death (fictional). Cancellation of shows (sadly not fictional.) When I wrote, I kept a mental list of potential squicks to put in the warnings list, which of course is partially a joke, since I assume anyone who saw "Joss/Wesley" and said "oooh!" rather than "ewww!" would be okay with most of these.
Spoilers/Timeline: Season three of Angel through "Not Fade Away," with references to canonical metaverse events mentioned in commentaries on the S5 DVDs.
Notes: Buffyworld is my friend. Thanks to hermionesviolin for help in formulating one of the crucial connections.
Disclaimer: All the parts that aren't filthy lies about Joss's sex life, um, belong to Joss.
Bonus DVD extra feature! The extended disclaimer:
Wesley belongs to Joss. And Joss isn't real. I mean, my Joss isn't real. Alexis Denisof is real, but sane. Nathan Fillion is also real. Firefly was really cancelled. The rest is lies! Except Wesley, Lilah, Fred, and Illyria, who are fictional and belong to Joss. Joss, as represented in this fic, belongs to me, but the real life Joss Whedon does not. The real life Joss Whedon owns a great many things, none of which are me, and one of which is Wesley, and none of which are Alexis Denisof, as far as I know.
Summary: Joss Whedon is Pygmalion, King of LA, in love with his own creation. And I got to use the Pygmalion reference after all.
Words: 3329
Gone Hollywood
This fic had been in my head for a very long time, probably since I started shipping Joss/Alexis. I love Alexis Denisof, but really, only insofar as he's the actor who plays Wesley, whom I adore. Joss/Alexis is interesting to me from Joss's perspective, in Joss's head, and part of it has to do with a writer/director and the actor who played the character he loved the most. I loved the idea of Joss wanting Wesley, not Alexis, and them both getting off on the role-playing. I might've mentioned this to Gvambat, and then I had this conversation with Elizabeth here, in which some more of the crucial connections were formulated, and I realized that costuming and roleplaying within Angel itself would be interesting to compare to the major roleplay that was central to the fic.
I was in the middle of NaNo (just like, you know, less than a month ago) when I decided the time had come; I had to write this fic. It had been sitting in my head for long enough; the ideas were all there. I just needed to get them onto paper.
Joss starts this fantasy with his hand holding his dick, I started right here for several reasons, one of which was that I absolutely didn't want anyone to get squicked more than they had to. If the idea of Joss masturbating squicks you the fuck out, then you'd get this far and hit the back button, hopefully without flaming me. but he won't start to stroke himself till he's buried in the fantasy, grinding away at it in the single-minded way of men throughout time, Joss is fucking a fantasy. This is very male, masculine. Later I'll talk about gender some more, I think. tunnel-visioned on the objective, which tonight is orgasm. But he starts from scratch, limp and lame, just the barest flashes of setting: Joss fantasizes the way he writes (Or, okay, the way *I* write, which is just one more level of meta). an empty room dusted by the props people made to look gritty. This is as good a place as any to explain another thing about my RPS-impulse. To me, the most important thing about Joss Whedon is that he created the Buffyverse (and Firefly) and is a writer/director/artist. The TV shows are all he is. And the Buffyverse is one of the most important things in my life right now. My fantasy is that Joss, too, thinks only in terms of the Buffyverse, that it's as central to *his* life as it is to mine. He gradually erases the remnants of these artists from his mind, Joss would like to imagine himself a solo artist -- most other people, I think, imagine Joss as extremely self-centered, the ultimate whiny and arrogant artist. My Joss is a heckuva lot less confident in himself -- except in this fic, where he really is that arrogant. And also, as will become apparent, deeply fucked-up. the lighting technician, Casey's crack team of set designers. Does it somehow feel more realistic because I know the names of the crew members? He's designed the whole thing himself, from the shape of the room to the texture of the shadows to the populous. Joss's arrogance -- but the populous, of course, he really did invent -- it's him and Wes. And now he imagines he's lying not on an almost-comfy hotel bed somewhere-in-LA but on a wine-soaked mattress somewhere-else-in-LA. But still, always, LA. They can't escape. He opens his eyes. In the fantasy.
Wesley's facing the window (high on the wall so you can't see out, just note that it's a natural light source) I mentioned in the "Amoral Boundaries" commentary that I liked using characters' own frame of reference for description, and that's what's going on here. A window is a light source in the mind of a director. and looking like Alexis is sick of "saying nothing and feeling glum" Alexis never said this in real life, as far as I know, but Joss is quoting him. which has been his character arc for too long. He turns and wears a thin grey smile of desire. Joss costumes him quickly in leather and polishes the buckle of his belt. I like the way fantasy/story-telling works. His heart thuds; he's halfway to erect and whispers, "Action." Oh, Joss.
"So," Wesley says. "You're here again." He absorbs all the moisture in the room and there's a moment of lip-licking, nervous anticipation, fear for own sanity, and so forth and then Wesley crouches next to the mattress and puts one hand on each of Joss's legs. "Are you ready?"
Writing Wes's dialogue turned out to be the hardest part of this whole fic. You'd think that Joss has Wes's voice down pat, since he writes him for a living, but the Wesley of Joss's fantasies is not quite the Wesley of TV's Angel. For instance, he's fucking Joss.
Joss is ready now, all the way hard. He leans back and lets Wesley suck his cock. He forces himself to keep going despite the director's desire to fade to black before the messiness of semen and regret. Another difference between TV!Wesley and fantasy!Wesley Eyes closed, real hand and imagined mouth What's happening is Joss is jerking off and thinking about Wes, but don't you think it's prettier the way I wrote it? and he orgasms and thinks of Wesley, though possibly in the other order. This one.two.punch is (hopefully) classic Whedon.
And then he rolls over and sleeps. He's just this guy, you know?
The fantasy world is porous I really wanted to include that word in the description of what was going on. and admits of easy changes in geography and time frame that wouldn't be allowed in any self-respecting artist's creation, Okay, see the meta? Because this fantasy is my creation and I have some self-respect, I do! but porn and art are somewhat opposite, living at right angles in Joss's mind. This is a fundamental distinction here. Art lies in capturing the frame just so, the moments before and after fucking when there's tenderness or fear, exhilaration and regret. I think that this is true. The moment itself is singularly uninspiring Except it's the part that feels the best unless, of course, someone loses his soul, and then all bets are off. I'm sure that Joss uses slayerverse metaphors all the time in thinking about his own life. Really!
The real world (to return to the comparison begun previously) See? Broken fourth wall. is essentially essentialist You can tell it's my fic from phrasing like that. and also opaque. Joss is an existentialist "OIS"-commentary-canon and carves his worlds from airy nothing, but he is also a lapsed Christian I won't make him angst about it, though, because that would be ooc and catering solely to my kinks, while the rest of this fic is in no way whatsoever self-indulgent and finds belief creeping into his worlds when he most wants them simplistic. Oh, this is *so* true. AtS's Powers That Be, for instance. He believes, for instance, that Alexis doesn't love him. Like I criticize your segues?
In one of his own shows, this would be true, because nothing is more interesting (at least for a season or two) And the audience goes, "please, Joss, give it a rest!" than unrequited love especially when the victim is universally adored and clearly deserves better and is as perfectly charming as Aly's Willow or, to choose an example perfectly at random, Alexis's Wesley. I think of myself as Joss's Ideal Audience Member because I really do love Willow's Xandercrush and Wesley's Fredcrush. I know not all of fandom agrees with me, but Joss is delusional. As will becoming blindingly apparent. Joss has a long history of unrequited love both in fiction and in what passes for reality, Because this fic is also fiction and I don't know what Joss's real life was like but I'm getting tied in meta-knots again... but now he is happily married to a woman who loves him, and additionally, secretly, Alexis is in love with him. I keep on wandering away from the point but eventually I find my way back.
This would surprise Joss if he knew. It probably surprises you. It certainly surprised me. I broke that wall but good, huh? And it would surprise me because I'm addicted to the unrequited love theme as much as Joss is. It's unexpected, because Alexis is the prettiest He *is*! and Joss is, in his own words and in his own thoughts, homely. I want to make it clear to you, gentle reader, that *I* don't think Joss is homely. *He* does. It's canon! Besides which, Alexis is dating Alyson Hannigan, and he's already told Joss -- when it was clearly going to become a Thing -- that he doesn't date his co-workers. Also canon, from a couple of sources -- that he told it to Aly, not to Joss! -- Alexis doesn't date co-workers.
I've also changed the story a little, of course -- I'd written two other Joss/Alexis pieces and Fix It In Post was pretty much a classic tale of unrequited love. This was not the story I was playing with here, so I made it explicitly different. What's about to happen, incidentally, is *exactly* why Alexis *shouldn't* date co-workers.
But Alexis has fallen prey to the actor's greatest temptation, and he has fallen in love with his own talent. There. I've thought of a plausible reason for him to fall in love with Joss. And Joss Whedon is the man -- it sometimes seems to Alexis the only man -- who can appreciate that talent. They're this little circle jerk of talent, you know? Alexis loves that Joss makes him sit in the same darkened apartment set every week and pretend to be sad, that Joss thinks his sitting sadly is the most brilliant drama that America has ever seen. And this is funny because I SO AGREE WITH HIM! And thus again, Ari is standing in as Joss's Ideal Audience (JIA).
At the season three wrap party at Aly and Alexis's house, Mere Smith gets drunk in the guest bedroom, Personal fanon, also shows up in Tipsy, Thanksgiving, Need. Yes, I have personal RPS!verse fanon. Color me pathetic. and Alexis propositions Joss out in the garden. (This, by the way, is really happening, though Joss remains convinced that he's gotten trapped in his own fantasy world for a good twenty-four hours afterwards.) This parenthetical note is needed to keep you the reader relatively sure of what's going on. He suggests, sloppy with drink, that if Joss really loved him, he'd be on his knees right now giving him a blowjob, This is one of those things that I think can be funny since they're both men, but if Alexis said it to, for instance, Aly, it would be sexual harassment. It's the whole teenage-boy if you really loved me thing, and it makes me giggle. I'm probably a bad person, but then, I wrote this fic, so we all know that! which is slightly more pornographic an image than Joss imagined for their first time, He's a romantic at heart, you know. and an image of himself that's more submissive than he really likes to acknowledge. My Joss, as you know if you followed the link to Tipsy, Thanksgiving, Need, is a completely submissive little bitch. So Joss says (causing a twenty-four hour period of kicking himself following the day of denial) no. Cast parties cause so much angst.
Alexis shrugs and is immediately tackled by David Boreanaz, who's also more than a little drunk, and sent flying into the pool.
If Angel ever did that kind of stupid prank to Wesley again, America would weep with joy, Joss thinks, a little weepy himself, and promptly passes out. Heeee! Ari still standing in as JIA, and it's funny because... because it's D.Boreanaz and A.Denisof and while I'm not a shipper of them, I still find it funny.
When he starts thinking about it as a serious thing and not just a drunken lark or a delirious fantasy, and realizes that he said no, Joss promptly starts drinking and doodling at the same time and it is during this period that the basic outlines of seasons four and seven are conceived, which makes Jasmine the lovechild of Joss and Alexis. Okay, *that* is funny. Although technically Jasmine was thought of later, since this was pre C.Carpenter's pregnancy threw a wrench in the S4 arc. But regardless! Joss gets drunk and writes goodfic. Love. But none of this has happened yet, and Joss is hungry and horny and hasn't even been out slaying lately. He writes bring back Faith! in the margin and lies down to wank. As in, masturbate, duh. It's Ari who's fanwanking here. I like the idea that major plot points happen because of things Joss thought of when on a whim.
But the usual constructed fantasies of men who look something like Alexis but with Britisher accents See, with Joss, one can make up words like "Britisher" and it's in character. and something like Wesley but with less moral compunctions about fucking him senseless See, fantasy!Wesley not quite TV!Wesley are weird and hollow wind-caverns, and all he can hear is the sound of his own voice. Which is different how?
So during the long summer doldrums, I did a tiny bit of timeline research, but not much, and probably the summer doldrums for them start a few months earlier than for the TV fans, but whatever. when Joss has the whole gang over for reading Shakespeare More canon. and drinking beer, he manages to pull Alexis away from Aly for long enough to suggest to him that if he really wanted sex, he'd have to do better than garden (variety) blowjob fantasies. Alexis looks at him like he's totally mad then, realizing what he means, begins to giggle in a way which Joss attributes to the quality of the beer. I just realized that Alexis is the World's Most Perceptive Man here, figuring out what Joss wants. Ooops.
He switches accents and says, voice heavy with liquor in a way that it wasn't a minute ago, *swoons a bit at Alexis's fake!drunk!British accent "You want me to be him, don't you?" He leans so close that Joss can see the tiny nicks on his skin where he shaved this morning, the tiny hairs that will, in a few days' time, be stubble. To quote Alexis, "Do not grow! Do not grow!"
"Yes?" Aww. Joss is this squeaky insecure little girl!
And Wesley laughs, not cruelly, equally amused with himself for coming to a rich Hollywood television party with Cordelia as with the sleazy director who's trying to turn him -- him! Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, former rogue demon hunter, current head of a supernatural detective agency -- into an actor. Joss's brain is on crack.
Joss hopes Alexis understands all this, and it's possible that if he had a pen he would, literally, start writing Alexis's lines on his hand so he wouldn't ruin the moment. Control freak much? But he's got no pen, so they improvise a scene that works for Joss and works for Alexis too, in ways that are making Joss increasingly uncomfortable Honestly, though, I think Alexis is weirder for getting hard from acting. with the close proximity of Tony reading Lear and the unfortunately un-funny irony of Charisma butchering the role of Lear's youngest daughter. The Lear was for you, karabair. I think C.Carpenter is a good actor but... better at certain kinds of roles than others.
Alexis thinks method is a wanky and pretentious way of saying let's pretend, I wasn't sure what method really was, but I wikipedia'd it and thought I had a pretty good idea... Alexis, I imagine, would be a British character actor since he was classically trained? and isn't totally comfortable with having Joss encouraging him to be someone he's not, but the someone he's not is bored and angry and can think of no way to make Angel angrier than sleeping with Lilah Morgan, but Lilah's currently otherwise engaged and one of her friends in the movie industry takes Wesley aside and offers him amusement in the form of sex that will make Lilah jealous Alexis's fantasy is entirely different from Joss's and even set in a different season, and them operating at totally cross-purposes here is part of the point, and he's not sure why he'd want to make Lilah jealous, since he certainly isn't in love with her, Alexis, I think, thinks Wesley is in love with Lilah but refusing to admit it to himself, which is slightly more simplistic than my interpreation of Wesley/Lilah, and here's where I ran into the problem of having five people in a two-person sex-scene (Joss, Alexis, Alexis's Wesley, Joss's Wesley, and my Wesley) but here he is, and here Joss is, looking very much like he wants to be kissed. Wesley doesn't consider it, just plunges (though it takes Alexis a long minute to figure out whether Wesley's kissed a guy before; he finally decides he probably has, though he's not sure how accurate his assumptions about Wesley's sexuality can be, based as they are on Joss's... thing, whatever it is. He decides it's safest to close his eyes and kiss Joss.) Alexis, too, is getting caught up in the meta of this moment. Wesley is this creature not entirely controlled by any of us (Joss, Alexis, me), and there was this question I too was facing about Wesley's possible bisexuality. For one thing, I wasn't sure about Wes/Angel, and whether Joss, Alexis, or possibly both, would acknowledge it as a subtextual Thing. (I know there's also Wes/Gunn, but Wes/Angel is *my* Wes slash pairing of choice, and of course it fits more nicely into the themes of the fic. But it didn't actually show up, so it's something of a moot point...)
Whoever he is. And the commentary just killed *that* dramatic paragraph break.
Whoever he is, he's got Joss in a death-grip that might be Alexis's nerves and might be Wes's issues, but either way Joss doesn't think he can breathe around the tongue that's in his mouth. He closes his eyes and lets this be him, the guy who goes to parties and goes home with the prettiest person there. Oh Joss. *cuddles him* I needed to be In Alexis/Wesley's point of view for a minute because I honestly would have had *no* idea what was going on otherwise, but I feel much more comfortable in Joss's. He forgets that this is his house, forgets that Alexis is his actor, forgets even, for a moment, that Wesley is his creation. I fall in love with my characters (and not just the ones I steal from Joss) all the time, and it doesn't really have anything to do with 'oh, look how clever I am.' How could he have created a man out of clay, a man so perfect, so fleshy and real, a man with breath and speech and words enough? He can't've. Okay, so there's a little of the arrogance of creation in there. Can't really avoid it.
He can't be the man whom Wesley's chosen, and in his mind he knows he's not. He's the glitter I like glitter as a metaphor a *lot* of demon-haunted Hollywood, the appeal of another life, the personification of up-by-bootstraps America that is the antithesis of Wesley's highbred fall from grace. This meta-story that's going on doesn't need to be any more sophisticated than neccessary for Joss to get off, but I like these ideas about why Wesley might fall in love with someone like Joss. Joss feels the unanticipated voyeuristic thrill of knowing Wesley's heart and knowing he can break it, This is one of my favorite things about this pairing -- Since Joss *made* Wesley, he knows absolutley what makes him tick knowing he has broken it time and time again. He curls into Wesley's arms and lets their arms tangle, lets the connections connection OOOOPS! Typo. *goes to fix* bind them. Lear ends with death, and Kai plays a dirge. I don't feel guilty at all about making Joss commit adultery since it's all made up anyhow. "Come to my bedroom," says Joss, in a voice he hopes is enticing and captivating but that doesn't really matter, because what he says in this moment is far less important than who he is, and by whom Wesley is pretended to be. It's just about who they are -- but it's not that simple, of course. And there's that lovely complicated syntax. :)
What matters is that Alexis says, "Of course," and accents it just so, sneers his yes. He's not too innocent for chance encounters with bleached blonds, Extreme fanwankery at its finest! :) but he's got a lonely look in his eyes that can't be feigned. Joss Whedon, master of stage and screen, is taken in by the oldest lie in the book, But it looks so REAL! and thinks Wesley means it when he comes to bed with him, thinks that Wesley's fingers penetrate him, that that's Wesley's hand on the small of his back. Joss isn't really deceived, but he lets himself be lied to, just for now. It feels right; it feels like release.
+++++
And here we end section I, the first costume party. It might've ended there if Elizabeth hadn't pointed out that it's just like Lilah wearing Fredlike clothes...
Wesley's been keeping a woman chained in his closet all summer and searching the ocean for Angel, and (tappa tappa typewriter keys) A clue that we're in Joss's head at the moment in the end his dignity is restored, which is a happier ending than Joss had in mind before he had Wes's dick in his mouth, I really like the idea that Joss's relationship with Alexis(Wesley) would change the reality of the Slayerverse. but now that he's felt it, now that he knows the heaviness, now that he knows how Wesley sounds when he comes, he feels uneasy about deliberately setting out to ruin his life and tear his soul from his body. It wouldn't be, to borrow Wesley's vernacular, sporting. I'm not sure how real or serious any of this is given that it's all an elaborate game, which is what I enjoy so much about it.
But before letting the woman out of the closet for good and giving Wesley his final shot at redemption to squander away, Joss dresses Stephanie up like Lilah dressed as Fred, and Wesley loves it. The segue could've been better, maybe, but I love the layered costuming.
Alexis loves it more. Alexis does the scene so many times Joss's eyes start to glaze over, and every take, the desire is just as fresh. Alexis refuses to claim that he's a method actor, but whence then that lust? Joss is still being taken in by Alexis's exceptionally good acting. It isn't Stephanie, who keeps giggling and saying, "Faster, Wes, faster!" between takes in a too-perfect imitation of Amy's drawl; Writing RPS is really hard for me since I don't know the actors that well at *all*. But S.Romanov is being funny here; I think kidding and joking around suits all the AtS actors that might turn some men on, but Alexis isn't one of them. Alexis is immune to Amy mostly, Joss thinks, because he already has one; Amy is softer-spoken and more hero-worshippy than Alyson, which is why he loves her best
This is where I want to talk about gender. I know many people are squicked by Joss's obvious attraction to A.Acker, and I'm, um, not really one of them, but when I got to this part of the story I *was* squicked by Joss getting off on her hero-worshipping him, and I realized that this story has to be slash. I mean, it works best with Alexis/Wesley I think because I get to play around with that Wes/Lilah scene and since I find Alexis prettiest and Wesley most interesting, etc. But theoretically I guess it could be Tony Head or A.Hallet or S.Green. But I think when you've got a female actor there, it becomes a different story, and the gender politics of it and it becomes like that sleazy director Cordy had to deal with that one time, which is not the story I wanted to tell at all. karabair has mentioned a few times that this could be a non-fannish story (with identifying details changed, obviously) and I admit that in the letting-it-live-in-my-brain stage, I considered that, and tried to figure out which gender balance would work, and I almost feel it needs to be boy or girlslash, since anything else and the politics of heterosexuality take over.
Back to the story:
and gave her the all-time best gig ever and made her the object of Wesley's considerable libido, Joss, you are so weird. but Alexis doesn't go for that sort of thing. But Wesley does. Wesley !=Alexis. And Wesley says, over and over, every take, "leave them on." The camera loves Stephanie's gracenote, that startled vulnerability Which I didn't notice till I listened to the commentary because, like Joss:, but Joss trusts the cameraman to do his job and focuses on Wesley himself and the moment when he gives himself over to whatever it is that's going through his head. This is all about what's going on in people's heads! You can't tell, really; he's wearing the mask for Lilah's sake. She knows his vulnerability, of course, but they both maintain this pretense that Wes has a secret that Lilah's trying to steal. If they confessed their love... Joss gets a happy shiver from the twistedness, And there's Joss's interpretation of the Weslah. and then Vern calls cut, and Alexis kisses him (Joss, that is. But it would be funny if he kissed Vern! I checked Buffyworld to see who directed the ep. Vern Gillum either doesn't notice or notices and ignore it, figuring that in the TV industry, it's only weird they waited till he was done with the shot). If they hadn't waited, does that mean it's on tape somewhere, and can I watch? Joss blinks and wonders if he missed something, and he must've dozed off at least a little there, because Alexis managed to swipe the glasses. Convenient. He wrinkles his nose at Joss almost playfully, and Joss knows how the scene plays out.
He can't be Lilah or Fred, because he's too male and portly I liked that word so much I used it twice, and had to cut one of them. for either of them to pretend, but when he wears the glasses, he might just look like the kind of human being Wesley could admire. This is where the pairing bears some resemblance to Angel/Wesley. He swipes at the glasses, and Alexis lowers his voice to Wesley's growl and says, "Leave them on." Eeee! (Yes, that moment really did just make me squeal, proving I am equally as fucked as Joss or Alexis.
And he does.
He wears them at odd hours, though he doesn't need glasses to see, he pretends that he's blind without them. And seeing the world through Lilah-Fred's glasses is almost fascinating enough to enable him to keep his eyes off Alexis -- though both Fred and Lilah keep sneaking glances at Wesley when they should be keeping their mind on more important things, like saving the world and destroying it. If you've been following these commentaries, you'll recognize this as a theme from "Library Science," where Fred contemplates the meaning of glasses. I like the literal idea of seeing the world through someone else's eyes, which of course mirrors what Alexis is doing when he plays Wesley. Joss, on the other hand, has nothing better to do, because it's not like he's got three shows in the air and a baby on the way See, I got it right this time! (In "Tipsy, Thanksgiving, Need," I mistakenly gave the baby to Alexis and Aly.) and a wife at home, a fucktoy on the set of Angel, and Nate. But really, let's not get into Nate. Alexis is complicated enough. I felt I had to give that a nod (and not just for Elizabeth's sake), but couldn't really elaborate because, as I said, Alexis is complicated enough. For serious.
Joss rides this wave like a champion surfer heading for certain wipeout. You win some, you lose some; this year is pretty much a lost cause when it comes to the shows. Not because he doesn't love them, because he does -- he dives into each one as deeply as he can and emerges breathless, choked by the saltwater love affair he's having with Nate Firefly I don't think he's actually fucking Nate; that would, indeed, be too confusing. But he's sure as hell in love with him. And lo, the joys of internet formatting, which I very rarely abuse, but in this case... and the pain of losing it even while he's pulling all-nighters trying to hold on.
The thing bears mentioning. It's only during after twenty-four hours of being awake writing "Objects in Space" that he actually calls Alexis at home. Alexis, God knows, shouldn't be at home; he should be on his set, and Aly should be on hers, but they've both stayed home instead, and Joss awakens a groggy Alexis who wants to know what time it is and if Joss is really crazy enough to think that he's getting out of bed and going into the study to fuck Joss, even if he is wearing the fucking Fred glasses, Joss, really, what? Joss is going craaazy!
Joss forgot that Alexis leaves Wesley behind at work. Got this from a con report I googled. He remembers now, though, and crawls -- maybe walks -- okay, minces Joss is such a girl, oh yes. -- into Alexis's dressing room to look for him.
It bears repeating: he's tired. He's not had enough coffee. He's making excuses. Alexis just told him to fuck off if he's going to fuck around, so Joss does the sane OMG SO NOT SANE! thing and finds his way into Wesley's apartment, which is deserted at this hour because Wesley's out saving the world like a good hero does (*shiver*) Joss's own stories make him squeal. Not only is he a girl, he's also me!, and curls up on his bed like an overweight That's the place where "portly" was and I had to cut it. male Lilah and waits.
While we're waiting for Wes to get home, and while we're discussing how Joss=me!, I should mention that I did contemplate doing a self-insert consisting of JIA, but I think wisely decided against it. Not inconsiderable crush on Joss aside, neither I nor any other fangirls belong in this fic, and I think a Mary Sue would be just been too *much* meta, made the whole thing a silly parody. It's still jussst on this side of real, which is why I love it.
"Why am I not surprised that you're here?"
"Oh, the super let me in," Joss explains to Wesley, who's rolling his eyes belligerently. "I figured you wouldn't mind, seeing as it's me." Wesley rolls his eyes again and unbuttons his shirt so Joss can see the first tendrils of chest hair. I guess if you're attracted to guys that kind of thing is sexy?
"I'll have to get my lock changed again," Wesley says. "Lilah keeps getting copies of the key."
Joss is temporarily confused; he thought this scene was happening much earlier, It was a small thing, but I liked that they were imagining totally different things. but no, you can't get that curl of hair in season one. It would be out of character. Disappointing. Wesley doesn't have chest hair in S1. That is *funny*. He shakes his head free of the confusion and unfolds himself to be fucked.
But Wesley shakes his head and rearranges Joss's shirt and tells him no. "Tonight, I'll let you fuck me in disguise," he says, and puts the glasses on the table. He undresses and is Joss's, See, that ownership thing woulda been hella squicky in het, but I like this. for this morning. Joss is too dazed and expressionless to enjoy that Wesley wants to be screwed (over) (again) (and again).
He's a glutton for nobility. In the end, Joss will give him what he wants, and let him die. And the fact that Joss has ultimate control over Wesley's life puts him in control...
+++++
They kill him softly. First Firefly, and Nate. Next Buffy, and Sarah. And now Angel. Alexis and Aly's wedding hurt nothing like this; See, I think AtS and Wesley are way more important to Joss than Alexis is. he thinks he could survive another blow so long as it wasn't below the belt, but the love he has for Angel is definitely located somewhere in the lower half of his body. The baser half. The I-want-to-be-a-millionaire half who could make or break the careers of young stars and sexually harass his minions. Joss has a hard-on for his show, oh wow! Firefly was a family that was incestuously joyous. Based on the descriptions in the DVD commentaries, also, subtle nod to Simon/River. Angel is nothing like a family. They're all chomping at the bit and ready to catch the first stagecoach out of this town. Both the characters and the actors. Andy pops open a bottle of champagne to celebrate the cancellation. DVD extras canon. They say goodbye to Charisma.
And Alexis stopped fucking him when he got married. I have serious problems with maintaining momentum through the last scenes of a story; this one was no exception, so I skimmed a lot.
This makes sense but is still surprising. He's lived so long in the glitter-glitz world of film noir Love on the glitter-metaphor! that he's forgotten in the real world people don't do things like what they've been doing. He's been living so long in the sordid world of backwater planets and back-alley Los Angeles and High School, USA See? The TV shows are my life, so they must be Joss's too! that he's forgotten the basic truths: men are loyal to their wives, love their children, writers walk away from their worlds a little older, wiser, and balder, and everyone betrays you in the end. Nice.
California is known for its earthquakes. This particular one leaves Joss desolate, stranded high up in an apartment crunching out the final words of the final scene of the final episode of the last television show he will ever make. He can't do it. He can't end this thing.
He turns the pages, examining each dirty, half-finished scene, the unwashed plates, the imperfect ending to five-six-seven imperfect lives. He leaves the last scene for another day, and decides, in the grand tradition of authors since Moses, I could probably have come up with a better example if I tried... that inserting his own life into the script won't hurt anyone but him. This is what he writes:
The first lesson a watcher learns is to separate truth from illusion. Because in the world of magics, it's the hardest thing to do. The truth is that Fred is gone. To pretend anything else would be a lie. And since I don't actually intend to die tonight, I won't accept a lie.
This is why Wesley won't sleep with Illyria. It's why Alexis won't sleep with him.
It makes him feel a little better.
This was the third costume party, Illyria-as-Fred, and I brought them all down to reality -- Wesley, Alexis (finally being noble and not cheating on Aly anymore) and Joss too, who's ended this thing, this fantastic journey that was AtS. I don't know what to do with the actual "lie to me" scene where Wes says go ahead and do it... but... I've run out of things to say.
Thanks, all, for listening to me babble.