yet more Kant!fic
Seriously, fic is all I've been doing lately. That, and attending classes, and getting rightly annoyed about my internet not working, and worrying, and procrastinating, and that brings us right back to writing fic.
Seriously, this fic simply came about because Z. is on so much crack and likes to share with the rest of the class. She goes, "Write Kant/Kinsey!" and I say, "I can't; I characterize them too similarly. Neither one of them could top." "Okay... then write Kant/790."
So I did.
Now, for those of you who are sane have never watched Lexx, you need to know that 790 is a robot head programmed to fall madly in love with the first person he/it sees upon waking up. Really, that's all you need to know.
And now, onto... the fic! Rated PG-13, in case you needed to know.
As always, Kant awoke at five in the morning, filled, as always, with the quiet despair he quickly subjugated by writing his incomprehensible metaphysic to torment his students with. Whenever he felt an especially bitter pang of self-loathing, he made up another term. Today, he was in an unusually angry mood. His second relationship ever, with a dollsome if dull girl ten years his junior, had just ended, due mostly to--well, to his dislike of spending time in her company. It wasn't that he didn't like her--although he didn't--but that the hours spent in her presence were just as dull as all the other dull hours of his dull life. "Hmm, hmm, presupposes no other condition, hem, mundus phaenomenon, yes, no one will understand that, excellent, yes." He sighed and put his quill down.
The day continued in its usual dull routine, filling Kant with what he mistook for a robust satisfaction at moral duty performed but that was actually simple bored. He studied. He lectured. He ate. And then, five minutes into his daily constitutional, he was nearly knocked off the path by a falling object.
"I am 790, robot head, recently exiled in space and time from the Lexx by my unfeeling crewmates--and you--you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen." The creature's voice was gravelly, and it rolled its eyes with what Kant supposed was happiness as it uttered these words. Before Kant could respond, 790 was off again. "They must have reset me again; oh damn. Well, I guess there's nothing for it but to have hot, passionate sex."
Kant was bewildered by this declaration, yet oddly stirred. The sensations were as unfamiliar as the presence of a metallic head on the garden path. But he was intrigued, and curious, and so he carried 790 home with him, to his empty room, to his empty life, and then he gave 790 his empty chair, sat on his bed, and stared.
"Why are you sad, sexy man? Do you need to feel the love of a disembodied robot head?"
Kant closed his eyes. He opened them again. 790 was still looking at him soulfully with abnormally large eyes. Kant sighed. "Perhaps," he said.
And it turned out 790 was right. Kant, satisfied and at peace for the first time in his life, burned all the work he'd done on his Critique of Pure Reason, sold his house, and with the proceeds moved himself and his robotic lover to a villa in the South of France, where they lived happily ever after until Kant died.
teh_end
Seriously, this fic simply came about because Z. is on so much crack and likes to share with the rest of the class. She goes, "Write Kant/Kinsey!" and I say, "I can't; I characterize them too similarly. Neither one of them could top." "Okay... then write Kant/790."
So I did.
Now, for those of you who are sane have never watched Lexx, you need to know that 790 is a robot head programmed to fall madly in love with the first person he/it sees upon waking up. Really, that's all you need to know.
And now, onto... the fic! Rated PG-13, in case you needed to know.
As always, Kant awoke at five in the morning, filled, as always, with the quiet despair he quickly subjugated by writing his incomprehensible metaphysic to torment his students with. Whenever he felt an especially bitter pang of self-loathing, he made up another term. Today, he was in an unusually angry mood. His second relationship ever, with a dollsome if dull girl ten years his junior, had just ended, due mostly to--well, to his dislike of spending time in her company. It wasn't that he didn't like her--although he didn't--but that the hours spent in her presence were just as dull as all the other dull hours of his dull life. "Hmm, hmm, presupposes no other condition, hem, mundus phaenomenon, yes, no one will understand that, excellent, yes." He sighed and put his quill down.
The day continued in its usual dull routine, filling Kant with what he mistook for a robust satisfaction at moral duty performed but that was actually simple bored. He studied. He lectured. He ate. And then, five minutes into his daily constitutional, he was nearly knocked off the path by a falling object.
"I am 790, robot head, recently exiled in space and time from the Lexx by my unfeeling crewmates--and you--you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen." The creature's voice was gravelly, and it rolled its eyes with what Kant supposed was happiness as it uttered these words. Before Kant could respond, 790 was off again. "They must have reset me again; oh damn. Well, I guess there's nothing for it but to have hot, passionate sex."
Kant was bewildered by this declaration, yet oddly stirred. The sensations were as unfamiliar as the presence of a metallic head on the garden path. But he was intrigued, and curious, and so he carried 790 home with him, to his empty room, to his empty life, and then he gave 790 his empty chair, sat on his bed, and stared.
"Why are you sad, sexy man? Do you need to feel the love of a disembodied robot head?"
Kant closed his eyes. He opened them again. 790 was still looking at him soulfully with abnormally large eyes. Kant sighed. "Perhaps," he said.
And it turned out 790 was right. Kant, satisfied and at peace for the first time in his life, burned all the work he'd done on his Critique of Pure Reason, sold his house, and with the proceeds moved himself and his robotic lover to a villa in the South of France, where they lived happily ever after until Kant died.
teh_end