This is the Tory under a rock
Agh. I have been having one of THOSE weeks. Or week and change. Span of time. The kind of time wherein the thought of doing anything productive, or even hitting reply to an important email, makes me sick with stress and I can't deal with it at all.
I hate my brain.
I should probably start mainlining valerian or something. All I really need to cope with right now, aside from writing the game, is finding a new apartment and moving in a month. That should be easy. Am financially stable, can deal with unemployment after I move. It's not like I haven't been in far worse positions. And as far as my tremendous ability to angst about an unreplied-to email to the point where I think about it constantly but it's a white haze as far as what to say and I've already convinced myself that the person in question hates me for not getting back to them...ayyy. Stupid brain. It's like the not-in-school version of the procrastinating on the paper until you can't face doing it and want to talk to your professor about it but you can't face that either so you just don't turn it in and then screw yourself.
When I'm stressed, I tend to shut down communication. Stupid permanent mercury retrograde. And it makes people think I'm all rude and aloof and ignoring them and passive-aggressive, and then it stresses me out more that people might think of me badly, and. (And, yeah, it stresses me out that people might think of me badly when I don't know about it. Pathetic. But I have a long history of everything seeming fine and then getting dumped/kicked out/fired out of the blue, with no particular warning, because somebody has spent weeks or months being perpetually annoyed with me about something and hasn't talked with me about it or tried to fix it, just gotten rid of me. Or maybe they sent me a few emails, but didn't make it clear that this was a Big Deal. Or maybe they thought they made something clear but didn't because I was stupid. Or.)
Mostly I just kind of felt like posting something here as an indirect means of communication, because that gets around my brain blocks, I guess? Huh. I have so few brain blocks when it comes to LJ, and so many when it comes to most other means of communication. I suppose eventually my brain will block this too, but it's been years so far...
Alskdjflskdf. Need to go buy new tires, drive to Westboring, and water my mother's plants. She's paying me for house-sitting. Probably not enough to offset the tires though.
I hate my brain.
I should probably start mainlining valerian or something. All I really need to cope with right now, aside from writing the game, is finding a new apartment and moving in a month. That should be easy. Am financially stable, can deal with unemployment after I move. It's not like I haven't been in far worse positions. And as far as my tremendous ability to angst about an unreplied-to email to the point where I think about it constantly but it's a white haze as far as what to say and I've already convinced myself that the person in question hates me for not getting back to them...ayyy. Stupid brain. It's like the not-in-school version of the procrastinating on the paper until you can't face doing it and want to talk to your professor about it but you can't face that either so you just don't turn it in and then screw yourself.
When I'm stressed, I tend to shut down communication. Stupid permanent mercury retrograde. And it makes people think I'm all rude and aloof and ignoring them and passive-aggressive, and then it stresses me out more that people might think of me badly, and. (And, yeah, it stresses me out that people might think of me badly when I don't know about it. Pathetic. But I have a long history of everything seeming fine and then getting dumped/kicked out/fired out of the blue, with no particular warning, because somebody has spent weeks or months being perpetually annoyed with me about something and hasn't talked with me about it or tried to fix it, just gotten rid of me. Or maybe they sent me a few emails, but didn't make it clear that this was a Big Deal. Or maybe they thought they made something clear but didn't because I was stupid. Or.)
Mostly I just kind of felt like posting something here as an indirect means of communication, because that gets around my brain blocks, I guess? Huh. I have so few brain blocks when it comes to LJ, and so many when it comes to most other means of communication. I suppose eventually my brain will block this too, but it's been years so far...
Alskdjflskdf. Need to go buy new tires, drive to Westboring, and water my mother's plants. She's paying me for house-sitting. Probably not enough to offset the tires though.