Today
...feeling unaccountably crappy.
My depression is no longer under control. (It was gone for a few months; there were two reasons for it, and one has dumped me (Eric) and one is...does not seem to be available to me (magic).) I need to get back on meds and/or back into therapy.
Maybe if I say this often enough and publicly enough, I'll actually get around to it. There's the perpetual thought, though, that I deserve to be miserable.
I am sick. I am going to be less pleasant to be around. And I'm sorry. First step is admitting you have a problem right? Hah.
(It does not seem to be available to me, as I said above. It's like a door's closed, and my will to open it is just--gone. I think I could if I really, fully put my mind to it, but I really don't see the point.)
(And come to think of it, the times that I have been seriously involved in magic have been the times that I'm dating magicians. It's like it's something that I acknowledge but don't really bother with unless I have someone close to share it with. Magic for its own sake, or even for my sake--for to take care of myself, for to grow to my fuller potential--doesn't even occur to me. Part of that is that I, quite naturally, don't put too much effort into helping somebody I dislike.)
I should be writing, but I kind of don't even see the point of that right now. Off to brood with my coffee and visit my mother, if she ever gets back to me.
I miss having a close relationship--a friend of my body and my spirit, to use one of my favorite Pini-isms--but I'm not deluded enough to expect it to happen again any time soon.
Just things I had to say somewhere. I don't have a really entirely okay place to say things currently, as I'm not in therapy, and somehow, to me, the relative anonymity of a LiveJournal post, where people can read it or ignore it as they wish, seems the next best thing. I'm sorry for the burden.
My depression is no longer under control. (It was gone for a few months; there were two reasons for it, and one has dumped me (Eric) and one is...does not seem to be available to me (magic).) I need to get back on meds and/or back into therapy.
Maybe if I say this often enough and publicly enough, I'll actually get around to it. There's the perpetual thought, though, that I deserve to be miserable.
I am sick. I am going to be less pleasant to be around. And I'm sorry. First step is admitting you have a problem right? Hah.
(It does not seem to be available to me, as I said above. It's like a door's closed, and my will to open it is just--gone. I think I could if I really, fully put my mind to it, but I really don't see the point.)
(And come to think of it, the times that I have been seriously involved in magic have been the times that I'm dating magicians. It's like it's something that I acknowledge but don't really bother with unless I have someone close to share it with. Magic for its own sake, or even for my sake--for to take care of myself, for to grow to my fuller potential--doesn't even occur to me. Part of that is that I, quite naturally, don't put too much effort into helping somebody I dislike.)
I should be writing, but I kind of don't even see the point of that right now. Off to brood with my coffee and visit my mother, if she ever gets back to me.
I miss having a close relationship--a friend of my body and my spirit, to use one of my favorite Pini-isms--but I'm not deluded enough to expect it to happen again any time soon.
Just things I had to say somewhere. I don't have a really entirely okay place to say things currently, as I'm not in therapy, and somehow, to me, the relative anonymity of a LiveJournal post, where people can read it or ignore it as they wish, seems the next best thing. I'm sorry for the burden.