Fic: To Not Fear Death
Title: To Not Fear Death
Author: winters_empire
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Hermione, Albus Dumbledore Portrait, Harry, Ron, Fenrir (mentioned)
Rating: K
Summary: Does Hermione fear death? One-shot.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Author's Note: I wrote this a bit back for Aiiimy's Dumbledore Quote Challenge on FF.Net and my quote is italicized and underlined in the text. Forgive any grammatical errors. I don't have a beta.
Hermione slumped down against the wall in the Great Hall, not bothering to make it to any of the tables. She was just relieved to be back within the castle's walls, away from the endless battle against Voldemort.
She had known this wouldn't be easy. She had long prepared herself with the idea that she might not make it past the age of eighteen and she had been willing to make the sacrifice.
Anything for Harry, she told herself.
Yet, Greyback had come close to biting her a few moments ago. He had had her pinned to the ground, baring his fangs and claws. His eyes set on tearing her to shreds.
She trembled at the memory of his wild, bloodthirsty eyes. If it hadn't been for an auror who had interfered, and Voldemort calling back his minions to retreat, she probably wouldn't be here.
"Hermione? Hermione?"
Hermione realized Harry and Ron were at her side and had been calling her for some time.
"Are you alright?" Ron asked.
She tried to nod but realize she couldn't. She was still shaking. "I-I…I-I….," tears started forming behind her eyes, "I-I ca-can't."
Both Harry and Ron started to become alarmed.
"Can't what?" Harry asked. "Hermione, what's wrong?"
She couldn't look at them and she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Harry. I'm so-so sorry."
"Hermione, you're scaring me. Tell me, what's wrong."
"I can't go back out there. I'm sorry, Harry, but I just can't. I can't do this anymore," She stood and rushed out of the Great Hall, ignoring their calls after her.
Hermione didn't know how she managed to lose them but she soon found herself, alone, locked in an empty classroom.
The tears had come immediately after she had closed the door and now she was on full-on sobs on the ground. She couldn't stop them and that scared her.
Why now? Why had her near death encounter with Fenrir Grayback shaken her up so? Had she really just told Harry she wasn't going to help him anymore? Could she live with herself knowing she gave up on defeating Voldemort because she was afraid? Afraid of dying?
"Ms. Granger?"
Hermione jumped and looked around frantically for the owner of the voice.
"Up here, Ms. Granger."
There was a hidden chuckle to his tone, and Hermione raised her gaze to meet the twinkling eyes of her old headmaster, who looked back at her from a small portrait hanging above a shelf on the wall across from her.
"Pr-Professor Dumbledore?" she croaked, getting back on her feet. She hurriedly tried to wipe away the tears that still fell freely on her cheeks.
To her shame, she couldn't. She just couldn't stop crying and she blushed at being seen in this state by Professor Dumbledore. "F-Forgive me, professor, I must be quite a sight."
She sniffed and again attempted to clean her face of the, now, silent tears.
"Think nothing of it, Ms. Granger. I assure you my high opinion of you still stands. It will take more than an expected display of emotion to change it," Dumbledore told her, "For someone as young as you to be involved in a war, there are bound to be causes for affliction."
Hermione looked away from the portrait. She did not want to be consoled by the man who had practically given his life for Harry. Even if she only did have the highest respect for her old headmaster, having him here before her reminded her that she was not the only one who was willing to sacrifice themselves for Harry. No, she was just the only one stepping down.
The guilt began to gnaw at her heart.
Gulping, she took a few cautious steps back. "I-I should leave. No disrespect to you, professor, but I…I need some time alone."
Professor looked at his former student, sympathetically. "I understand Ms. Granger but if I may be so bold as to insist you confide in me. I believe it would be in your best interest in dealing with this matter by discussing it with someone and I am willing to lend an ear."
Hermione looked up abruptly. "You know what happened?"
Dumbledore smiled lightly at her. "I'm afraid the portraits have adorned the castle's walls for far too long and have resorted to the observation of students and gossip to retain their sanity. But no, I did not quite hear enough to know exactly what occurred."
He waited expectantly for her to speak, and Hermione bit her lip unsure of what to do.
"You might change your opinion of me, professor," she whispered dejectedly.
"I highly doubt that, Ms. Granger."
She shook her head. "You just might."
Again, Dumbledore waited patiently for her to elaborate.
Closing her eyes, she felt her heart heave as she spoke the next words, "I think I just abandoned Harry, professor."
"Did you really, Ms. Granger?"
"Yes, I did."
"I see."
Silence was all that followed.
She waited.
And waited.
Was that all he was going to say? She opened her eyes and stared at Dumbledore, his twinkling eyes giving nothing away.
A sudden wave of frustration washed over her, putting a stop to her tears. Gone was her shame, her reluctance to reveal the reasoning for her current state. She was filled with a need to explain herself, to give her side of the story.
"I was almost killed tonight by Greyback," she started, "It was terrifying, professor. I could have died, gone forever in an instant, just like that. I wouldn't even be standing here this very moment. That's all I can think about. Everything that I would have missed, all that I would not get to see or know. It's all very terrifying.
"If I had died tonight…well that's it then, isn't it? I meet my end with no knowledge of what is to come for the others. I would not know how they would fair in the upcoming battles. I would not be able to stand by Harry and Ron through end. I would not be able to witness the bright future that Harry is surely to bring. And that scares me, professor, because once you're confronted by death that future becomes blurred. You can no longer picture it and you feel the lost of hope."
She could feel the tears forming behind her eyes again and she took a deep breath before continuing, "I don't want to die, professor, which is why I told Harry that I couldn't fight anymore. I still want to help him anyway I can, just not in battle. Have you changed your opinion of me yet professor?"
Dumbledore smiled warmly at Hermione. "My dear girl, I believe you have contradicted yourself."
Hermione furrowed her brow. "I'm sorry, professor, but I don't get your meaning."
He chuckled. "It seems to me that you could never abandon Harry. Even in the face of death, he is your greatest concern. Tell me, Ms. Granger, do you fear death?"
"Y-Yes."
"Why?"
His question confused her. Hadn't she just spent the last few minutes talking about this? She was sure that most, if not all, of her rambling had consisted of answering just that.
"Um…I believe I just told you professor."
"To fear death is to fear danger, to fear the physical infliction. I highly doubt you would have taken part in Harry's adventures if you indeed feared death, Ms. Granger. Furthermore, if I have guessed correctly, in your near-death experience with Grayback, you were least concerned about the attack itself.
"After all, [i]t is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, [Ms. Granger], nothing more."
Hermione just gaped at him, stunned by his words.
She didn't know how long she simply stood there, silent and thinking. Yet, after all that was said, she deserved to take as much time as she wanted to mull things over, and Professor Dumbledore did not seem to mind in the slightest.
After the long pause, she opened her mouth to speak but closed it, as if considering her next words carefully.
Taking a deep breath, she gave her old, dear, beloved headmaster a small smile. "I suppose I never did like not knowing something."