(no subject)
Some how it seems as though my luck has changed some. Things are going good right now, a new house, money, new tat, got laid.. But for some reason I still feel lonely. I miss the old days, with my old friends, they were like brothers to me. I never felt more comfortable then when I was with them. I wish I could get them all together again, but everyone went their separate ways, we still talk sometimes and are all still friends but we never see each other. Its been at least a year since I have seen two of them and the other two its been longer then that. I'm hoping now that I have a place I will be able to get them all to come over and hang out at least once. I want my friends to meet them. Meet the guys that protected me when I was young and stupid. Sometimes I feel as though the friends I have now, don't really like me, sometimes I feel they keep me around cause they feel sorry for me or something. I don't know. I'm pretty sure that's not true, but for some reason that is the way I feel sometimes. I know I shouldn't and they would probably smack me for thinking it, but oh well. I'm also starting to feel lonely cause I'm single. Before I liked being single but now I'm missing the little things more and more. Like cuddling next to someone at night, hugging, laying around together watching movies, kissing. I know it sounds stupid, but I really miss that stuff. But I stop myself from getting in a relationship, I know that there have been a few guys that have wanted a relationship but I wouldn't be with any of them. I'm not sure why I do it, and even the guy that I did like, and thought I wanted a relationship with, I don't want a relationship with him anymore. Its not that none of them were good enough. Cause anyone is good enough to be with me.. Its more like am I good enough for them. I'm sure one day I will find someone that I want to be with, but for now I think its more of an I don't want to waste my time thing, but then again I don't think I want a really serious relationship. I'm just confused and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, that's why I'm here, typing it.. I want the kind of friend that I can lay around with and watch movies, that I can cuddle with at night, but not have the sexual tension or the worries of a relationship. Every time I think I found a friend like that I find out that they want sex and that ruins the whole thing cause it makes me feel uncomfortable or they try to hard and push for sex to the point were I don't want to talk to them anymore. *sigh* anyway I am blabbing about stuff I think about a lot, and thinking about it and typing about it never helps. I guess I wish I had someone to talk to about it, but there isn't anyone that I feel completely comfortable with talking about it, that wont give me bad advice or get mad or think I'm stupid or whatever. Sometimes I talk to my friend about it, but I never go into complete detail about the way I feel, the one main reason I don't is cause its so hard for me to open up my feelings to anyone. I'm scared, cause I'm so use to getting hurt after I share my feelings with someone that I don't want to share any feelings with anyone.. Its my way of trying to protect myself but in the end I end up getting hurt more, cause the pain builds up inside and tears at me till I finally cant take it any longer and just break down in tears. But even when that happens no one sees it, no one knows about it. I don't know, I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself or something. *sigh* confusion.....