avoidance techniques and compensation mechanisms
so. i am in the middle of some major changes in my life right now. some not under my control, some partially under my control. all life-changing. so i'm writing down personal issues while i'm starting some fic again. i need to write. it's an avoidance technique.
it's nothing horrible like death. i'm not working, but i don't want to talk about that stress today. today, it's relationships, family.
for me, family hasn't been what the average person considers a a 'normal' family since...oh, basically 4 years after graduation. no married, 2 kids life for me...god forbid i have a normal life. except - i am married. and i kinda have 2 um..."kids". well. i have 1 kid. and another one...my...'niece'? i don't know what to call her, but i don't know what to say to explain it. niece feels too distant. and to say i have a husband is far from the entire story of who my heart cares about.
don't get me wrong. i wouldn't change who i am or how i chose things - okay, i am lying probably. but sometimes *cough*a lot*cough*, i wonder what AU i would have been better/happier/more complete with, because things are never quite...*right*. there's always a hole. something not quite settled.
today, i'm using a wonderful compensation mechanism. the two girls are running around the house. one daughter is mine as in - i'm the one who literally had her. the other one called me 'mom' for almost two years...and then, i lost her in a painful, complicated breakup. i became, eventually, 'aunt'. which killed me. still does.
now, though, she's running around with her 'cousin', who i always expected to raise as sisters, a long time ago. that was the plan (in my mind, anyway). she's living here this summer. so, for the first time, i have both of them. i get to have both of them here, day after day. that makes me very happy.
what doesn't make me happy is not having her birth mom alive and here. what doesn't make me happy is her mom who adopted her and is not with me. what doesn't make me happy is that she (one of her current moms) and my husband just don't...get along very well, no matter how hard they try. what doesn't make me happy is that i didn't want an either/or choice, because when there were four people, there was no need; everyone was happy. now, my other...'niece's'(i hate that word right now, officially) mom and i are not happy with each other; we are prickly, we cannot settle, we drive each other crazy. we know each other too well, as ex-lovers do. we know each other's failings and hit each other's buttons.
even though other women have filled that part of my heart and i have found love (well, something resembling it; not quite the same, though) off and on, it never works.
i still feel twinges; i love her still, i always have whether or not it is a safe thing; when are feelings ever safe?
but i can almost forgive and forget - when i hear the girls playing video games and laughing in the other room. it's a balm of peace in a restless, insomniac, regretful, wistful, lonely part of my soul.
it's nothing horrible like death. i'm not working, but i don't want to talk about that stress today. today, it's relationships, family.
for me, family hasn't been what the average person considers a a 'normal' family since...oh, basically 4 years after graduation. no married, 2 kids life for me...god forbid i have a normal life. except - i am married. and i kinda have 2 um..."kids". well. i have 1 kid. and another one...my...'niece'? i don't know what to call her, but i don't know what to say to explain it. niece feels too distant. and to say i have a husband is far from the entire story of who my heart cares about.
don't get me wrong. i wouldn't change who i am or how i chose things - okay, i am lying probably. but sometimes *cough*a lot*cough*, i wonder what AU i would have been better/happier/more complete with, because things are never quite...*right*. there's always a hole. something not quite settled.
today, i'm using a wonderful compensation mechanism. the two girls are running around the house. one daughter is mine as in - i'm the one who literally had her. the other one called me 'mom' for almost two years...and then, i lost her in a painful, complicated breakup. i became, eventually, 'aunt'. which killed me. still does.
now, though, she's running around with her 'cousin', who i always expected to raise as sisters, a long time ago. that was the plan (in my mind, anyway). she's living here this summer. so, for the first time, i have both of them. i get to have both of them here, day after day. that makes me very happy.
what doesn't make me happy is not having her birth mom alive and here. what doesn't make me happy is her mom who adopted her and is not with me. what doesn't make me happy is that she (one of her current moms) and my husband just don't...get along very well, no matter how hard they try. what doesn't make me happy is that i didn't want an either/or choice, because when there were four people, there was no need; everyone was happy. now, my other...'niece's'(i hate that word right now, officially) mom and i are not happy with each other; we are prickly, we cannot settle, we drive each other crazy. we know each other too well, as ex-lovers do. we know each other's failings and hit each other's buttons.
even though other women have filled that part of my heart and i have found love (well, something resembling it; not quite the same, though) off and on, it never works.
i still feel twinges; i love her still, i always have whether or not it is a safe thing; when are feelings ever safe?
but i can almost forgive and forget - when i hear the girls playing video games and laughing in the other room. it's a balm of peace in a restless, insomniac, regretful, wistful, lonely part of my soul.