Lessons Learned
Title: Lessons Learned
Pairings/Characters: Eunhyuk/ Patrice (OC)/Onew (and other minor appearances of SM artists)
Genre: AU Romance/Angst 2,175 words
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes love isn't enough; sometimes it's just too much.
▲ This is for my beautifully-unexplained-and-spazzy unnie who is going to Korea and prove her OTPs are real ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡. And I know it's a bit disappointing for her to know that I can't write anything other than het (no Jongkey, no Eunhae, no Baekyeol) and because it's her 18th birthday on May 15 (and also Sunny's!), I hope she will enjoy this ugly thing that I've been working on and maybe next time if I have that budget, I'll give her a more worthy present than my fics. For now, she will have to bear with this. ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ It's actually hideous so yeah, back button to the left.
To unnie, uhm.. uhm, I'm embarrassed right now so I'll go hide. I love you! ♡ Buy me a Luhan please please please please.
Let’s go on dreaming...
For we know we are
So close and still so far
(So close by Jon McLaughlin)
Private relationships. Funny, I never realized how private could imply something so much more in this versatile world.
I looked at the mirror and wondered when, when had all this madness started and why was I here in this dream-like place, when about two years ago I was just behind the laptop eying the cloud curtains in the background as my favorite ‘oppas’ were dancing. And now I was here myself, only in a state of slavery or hell or whichever made more sense. I’d be twenty now, and I hardly remember most of my days as one of them, as one who these idols, my sunbaes, would never take into consideration. Harsh reality, but weren’t all truths like that?
In a few more weeks, it would start. The hate, the praise, all the other thrilling things that paved my contract from the beginning. I didn’t choose this path to follow, but when opportunity knocked on your door (more like knocked me out while walking in the park last 2012), you particularly had no choice left. It was then or never; never ever enter the mysterious idol world.
Any fangirl’s dream perhaps, but right then while I was finishing my bubble tea and enjoying the lights, some random man bumped into me and sort of asked if I could dance. I laughed really, because what kind of stranger would ask someone they just met with things like that, unless of course, if my instincts were right, he was a scout. Not a boy scout because he was an ahjusshi, but a talent scout and to my surprise, I ended up getting in the following week. It was all so crazy, the hype, excitement, and goodness, reminiscing to how I was so naive then and so lost in translation made me think that I was indeed too young to know anything.
I was in love with the idea of being an idol, and maybe because they already accessed my accounts back at home and transfered me to one of the best damn universities in Korea (so I also asked them why did they, and they said I deserved the best). The training fees up to these point were on debt until I debuted--- which was soon coming.
Tomorrow was our showcase, the female counterpart of EXO, but we were much less in number and we weren’t destined to perform in China either; seven was fine already because attention would be divided amongst ourselves. Our leader was a '92 liner, and she would be like Suho-oppa, bright and cheerful and unnie totally could do most of the rapping parts. After her would be our main vocalist, followed by two of our lead dancers. Then this Chinese ulzzang who was the same age as me that would work out as the group’s visual (and she was really nice too when she arrived in the company and kind of lost with the language barrier like myself). As the main dancer though, I had greater exposure during dance breaks, and tomorrow I had three parts to deal with. And Jongin even made a joke about how people would notice every mistake I’d do.
“Ate, you all right?”
Now that was the maknae Lynde, and she had always been Lynde ever since I’ve met her back in high school (she refused to call me unnie nonetheless because ate always felt like home), but now she was forced to the same endeavor as I had, except she had been at it for only a year, like how the scout visited my hometown, and she was lucky--- she sang Baby Steps efficiently and her teaser views was second after our visual, thus lead vocalist after our leader. She was like the mini-Taeyeon only she was taller than unnie. For months now, she got private lessons from Luhan-oppa (and no, usually it was more of a homework kind of teaching), with her coming back to the dorm past twelve and she would tell me, “Don’t worry, I already ate.”
I nodded, wiping my forehead. “You ready for tomorrow?”
“Luhan-oppa said it’ll be scary. People would be anticipating mistakes.”
“Your Luhan-oppa is the encouraging type, isn’t he?”
“Telekinesis thing,” She laughed, getting up and walking away. “I can’t get the skipping part in the chorus, ate. They’re going to laugh at me.”
I shook me head, tired but eventually getting up to face the mirror again. “We’ll do great.”
“Eunhyuk-oppa’s looking for you, by the way,” Lynde added before completely leaving me alone. “He said he’ll be coming to check on you.”
I suddenly fell stiff while stretching, my eyes widening in total shock upon hearing his name. I couldn’t do this, really. Not when he wouldn’t talk to me, not when he just passed by earlier, not when we were celebrating and we were the only two ones sulking in the background. It was stupid, this game. And I was the one who shouldn’t have been expecting, wanting too much.
Maybe it was because I was in love. Laugh, maybe that would be a stupid way coming from a fangirl-turned-idol. When I entered the company, I hadn’t realize that there was little possible chance of actually seeing most of them, the sunbaes.
The sunbaes were scarier, truth be told--- Boa-unnie scared me the most sometimes so when we meet in the hallways (that happening only twice ever since), I would bow down fully that I could almost kiss the floor and she would just walk by with a bright smile on her face and seeing that was enough to make me happy. Everyday would be like this; when most of them weren’t preparing comebacks or gathering songs for the next ‘big thing’ album. Since there was this big generation gap, the whole sunbae-hoobae thing was very much highlighted.
Hyukjae and I were closer than that, and the status quo hardly mattered. I was in love, and I thought he was too, except he never really said it. There was no written contract that we were in a relationship, but before I knew it, he kissed me for the first time, a little drunk but that was fine, I was too anyway. It was the most magical thing in the world, the most exciting, most enjoyable first kiss--- and that time everything went from irrational to perfect. It was perfect, forever would be (and then Chanyeol came with a bouquet of flowers and said ‘I wanted to tell you I like you!’).
I always assumed that we were something, because he held my hand when he could, when he didn’t have any schedule up. He would come to the dormitory and buy me food, legit non-Korean food (because I missed not eating ramyun and kimbap everyday) and we would eat together, but he would finish everything else first before I could even have my second spoon. When I got tired he would sit with me in the practice rooms and tell me what it was like when he was still in this himself, and he promised me it would be okay--- all of this would pay off. I believed him, and even up to this point, after him letting me down, I still did.
I was a fangirl in love (Chanyeol just went about ranting it to me every time we see each other) because he said I wasn’t really in that sort of state. Yes, there were kisses, hugs and encouraging messages--- they could be something that Hyukjae give off to everyone else, maybe to the others as well, so could that have meant I wasn’t special? But I was very sure it was different; there were fireworks (We watched real fireworks together too!) and he had me over meet his mother. Back in my country, when a boy did that, it actually meant bigger business: marriage.
So I assumed. I hoped. I believed. And I couldn’t even put a single finger on to hate when I caught him hands-locked and giggling and whispering with this other girl, who I hadn’t really seen before in my entire life. It was like a drama scene, because I threw Hyukjae’s necklace at him right in front of his beautiful supposed girlfriend. I yelled at him, because he tricked me, but he explained that I was too young to understand. Too young, he said--- repeatedly even in text messages. The funny thing about this was that it just happened two days ago. And my eyes were still bloating up to this point, in which my eyeliner tomorrow would be another pain.
“Stop it.”
It would be a tad stranger to be hearing someone else’s voice like that in my head but it seemed so real, it became so effective. My tears stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror, glancing at the far right by the door a person. Apparently it wasn’t the one I was expecting.
“Tomorrow’s the day, though. So I have to practice.”
He shook his head, walking to me with his hands shoved down his pockets. “That’s not what I meant.”
I bit my lip, slouching and sitting on the floor. “I’m just tired, okay. I have to do this. Jongin was pressuring me and telling me someday we would dance together on stage and I couldn’t mess up the showcase or else that would look bad on him too. And then Taemin-oppa said that if it were him, he’d just keep practicing all night---”
His hand was over my mouth, eyebrows knitted together. “You weren’t this talkative the other time. Something happened between you and...”
He caught me. Jinki-oppa always did notice the smallest things around him, so attentive to details it made me crazy. He wasn’t the big brother I saw the first time I entered the company: it was kind of raining and he took his coat off and I squealed because I was one of his fangirls; and he said let me take care of you. He always did and up until now, I realized how careful he had been with me.
He looked me in the eyes, passing a bottle of water. “You’re really tired, Patrice. Stop forcing yourself, you’re already in pain.” He would call me by my real name and not the one I was supposed to be getting used to now.
“I’ve always been in pain, anyway.” I sadly said. “Not that he would care.”
He cupped my chin up, his expression growing grave as mine and not a moment later, he took me in his arms and we stayed like this for almost a minute, an hour, a day, whatever even--- I just knew it was so long that after awhile I forgot the hatefulness against the unreasonable relationship with Hyukjae. Yes it was unreasonable, and perhaps there never even was an us in the first place.
“I always thought he loved me. And then I realized I’ve been living a lie.”
Our foreheads were close, and inches more before our lips could have crushed against each other, my heart started thumping stronger and stronger--- out of Hyukjae’s insolence or Jinki’s innocent smile, I really couldn’t anymore be sure.
“There are a few of us who still do, though so don’t cry,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “Everybody hates me. They do, you know? I understand English better than anyone and all the hate comments on Youtube, all the blogs that were put up against our group, all the anti remarks about my selcas with Hyukjae...”
Jinki chuckled. “There’s Chanyeol. And there’s Jongin. Sehun kind of likes you too and your dongsaeng who’s always tagging along. Your unnies love you, and you’re Amber’s favorite. So I don’t see why you need to mope around over that guy. I’m still here.”
I bit my lip in shock, almost holding back the grin. “You’re nice, you know that?”
He shrugged, smugly beaming. “That’s me all right. Onew can always bring a smile on your face.”
“Thanks,” I pecked his check for that, lying my head by his shoulder. Somehow, things are already better, even when my eyes travel to the mirror and know it wasn’t.
He was there, just what Lynde had warned me about, standing by the doorway and keeping that straight face of a puppy that he knew I couldn’t resist easily. He watched as Onew caressed the side of my red hair, and in so many ways I kept wondering if he felt the same intense jealousy I had, same sinful kind of possesive lust, and not the fangirl type as Chanyeol defined it that time I also had when I saw him and that nameless girl. I wished so much that he was, so much but before I knew it, he faded into the shadows and walked away
My heart still shattered by Onew’s side. It wasn’t enough. Perhaps it never had been.
.......
Pairings/Characters: Eunhyuk/ Patrice (OC)/Onew (and other minor appearances of SM artists)
Genre: AU Romance/Angst 2,175 words
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes love isn't enough; sometimes it's just too much.
▲ This is for my beautifully-unexplained-and-spazzy unnie who is going to Korea and prove her OTPs are real ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡. And I know it's a bit disappointing for her to know that I can't write anything other than het (no Jongkey, no Eunhae, no Baekyeol) and because it's her 18th birthday on May 15 (and also Sunny's!), I hope she will enjoy this ugly thing that I've been working on and maybe next time if I have that budget, I'll give her a more worthy present than my fics. For now, she will have to bear with this. ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ It's actually hideous so yeah, back button to the left.
To unnie, uhm.. uhm, I'm embarrassed right now so I'll go hide. I love you! ♡ Buy me a Luhan please please please please.
Let’s go on dreaming...
For we know we are
So close and still so far
(So close by Jon McLaughlin)
Private relationships. Funny, I never realized how private could imply something so much more in this versatile world.
I looked at the mirror and wondered when, when had all this madness started and why was I here in this dream-like place, when about two years ago I was just behind the laptop eying the cloud curtains in the background as my favorite ‘oppas’ were dancing. And now I was here myself, only in a state of slavery or hell or whichever made more sense. I’d be twenty now, and I hardly remember most of my days as one of them, as one who these idols, my sunbaes, would never take into consideration. Harsh reality, but weren’t all truths like that?
In a few more weeks, it would start. The hate, the praise, all the other thrilling things that paved my contract from the beginning. I didn’t choose this path to follow, but when opportunity knocked on your door (more like knocked me out while walking in the park last 2012), you particularly had no choice left. It was then or never; never ever enter the mysterious idol world.
Any fangirl’s dream perhaps, but right then while I was finishing my bubble tea and enjoying the lights, some random man bumped into me and sort of asked if I could dance. I laughed really, because what kind of stranger would ask someone they just met with things like that, unless of course, if my instincts were right, he was a scout. Not a boy scout because he was an ahjusshi, but a talent scout and to my surprise, I ended up getting in the following week. It was all so crazy, the hype, excitement, and goodness, reminiscing to how I was so naive then and so lost in translation made me think that I was indeed too young to know anything.
I was in love with the idea of being an idol, and maybe because they already accessed my accounts back at home and transfered me to one of the best damn universities in Korea (so I also asked them why did they, and they said I deserved the best). The training fees up to these point were on debt until I debuted--- which was soon coming.
Tomorrow was our showcase, the female counterpart of EXO, but we were much less in number and we weren’t destined to perform in China either; seven was fine already because attention would be divided amongst ourselves. Our leader was a '92 liner, and she would be like Suho-oppa, bright and cheerful and unnie totally could do most of the rapping parts. After her would be our main vocalist, followed by two of our lead dancers. Then this Chinese ulzzang who was the same age as me that would work out as the group’s visual (and she was really nice too when she arrived in the company and kind of lost with the language barrier like myself). As the main dancer though, I had greater exposure during dance breaks, and tomorrow I had three parts to deal with. And Jongin even made a joke about how people would notice every mistake I’d do.
“Ate, you all right?”
Now that was the maknae Lynde, and she had always been Lynde ever since I’ve met her back in high school (she refused to call me unnie nonetheless because ate always felt like home), but now she was forced to the same endeavor as I had, except she had been at it for only a year, like how the scout visited my hometown, and she was lucky--- she sang Baby Steps efficiently and her teaser views was second after our visual, thus lead vocalist after our leader. She was like the mini-Taeyeon only she was taller than unnie. For months now, she got private lessons from Luhan-oppa (and no, usually it was more of a homework kind of teaching), with her coming back to the dorm past twelve and she would tell me, “Don’t worry, I already ate.”
I nodded, wiping my forehead. “You ready for tomorrow?”
“Luhan-oppa said it’ll be scary. People would be anticipating mistakes.”
“Your Luhan-oppa is the encouraging type, isn’t he?”
“Telekinesis thing,” She laughed, getting up and walking away. “I can’t get the skipping part in the chorus, ate. They’re going to laugh at me.”
I shook me head, tired but eventually getting up to face the mirror again. “We’ll do great.”
“Eunhyuk-oppa’s looking for you, by the way,” Lynde added before completely leaving me alone. “He said he’ll be coming to check on you.”
I suddenly fell stiff while stretching, my eyes widening in total shock upon hearing his name. I couldn’t do this, really. Not when he wouldn’t talk to me, not when he just passed by earlier, not when we were celebrating and we were the only two ones sulking in the background. It was stupid, this game. And I was the one who shouldn’t have been expecting, wanting too much.
Maybe it was because I was in love. Laugh, maybe that would be a stupid way coming from a fangirl-turned-idol. When I entered the company, I hadn’t realize that there was little possible chance of actually seeing most of them, the sunbaes.
The sunbaes were scarier, truth be told--- Boa-unnie scared me the most sometimes so when we meet in the hallways (that happening only twice ever since), I would bow down fully that I could almost kiss the floor and she would just walk by with a bright smile on her face and seeing that was enough to make me happy. Everyday would be like this; when most of them weren’t preparing comebacks or gathering songs for the next ‘big thing’ album. Since there was this big generation gap, the whole sunbae-hoobae thing was very much highlighted.
Hyukjae and I were closer than that, and the status quo hardly mattered. I was in love, and I thought he was too, except he never really said it. There was no written contract that we were in a relationship, but before I knew it, he kissed me for the first time, a little drunk but that was fine, I was too anyway. It was the most magical thing in the world, the most exciting, most enjoyable first kiss--- and that time everything went from irrational to perfect. It was perfect, forever would be (and then Chanyeol came with a bouquet of flowers and said ‘I wanted to tell you I like you!’).
I always assumed that we were something, because he held my hand when he could, when he didn’t have any schedule up. He would come to the dormitory and buy me food, legit non-Korean food (because I missed not eating ramyun and kimbap everyday) and we would eat together, but he would finish everything else first before I could even have my second spoon. When I got tired he would sit with me in the practice rooms and tell me what it was like when he was still in this himself, and he promised me it would be okay--- all of this would pay off. I believed him, and even up to this point, after him letting me down, I still did.
I was a fangirl in love (Chanyeol just went about ranting it to me every time we see each other) because he said I wasn’t really in that sort of state. Yes, there were kisses, hugs and encouraging messages--- they could be something that Hyukjae give off to everyone else, maybe to the others as well, so could that have meant I wasn’t special? But I was very sure it was different; there were fireworks (We watched real fireworks together too!) and he had me over meet his mother. Back in my country, when a boy did that, it actually meant bigger business: marriage.
So I assumed. I hoped. I believed. And I couldn’t even put a single finger on to hate when I caught him hands-locked and giggling and whispering with this other girl, who I hadn’t really seen before in my entire life. It was like a drama scene, because I threw Hyukjae’s necklace at him right in front of his beautiful supposed girlfriend. I yelled at him, because he tricked me, but he explained that I was too young to understand. Too young, he said--- repeatedly even in text messages. The funny thing about this was that it just happened two days ago. And my eyes were still bloating up to this point, in which my eyeliner tomorrow would be another pain.
“Stop it.”
It would be a tad stranger to be hearing someone else’s voice like that in my head but it seemed so real, it became so effective. My tears stopped and I looked at myself in the mirror, glancing at the far right by the door a person. Apparently it wasn’t the one I was expecting.
“Tomorrow’s the day, though. So I have to practice.”
He shook his head, walking to me with his hands shoved down his pockets. “That’s not what I meant.”
I bit my lip, slouching and sitting on the floor. “I’m just tired, okay. I have to do this. Jongin was pressuring me and telling me someday we would dance together on stage and I couldn’t mess up the showcase or else that would look bad on him too. And then Taemin-oppa said that if it were him, he’d just keep practicing all night---”
His hand was over my mouth, eyebrows knitted together. “You weren’t this talkative the other time. Something happened between you and...”
He caught me. Jinki-oppa always did notice the smallest things around him, so attentive to details it made me crazy. He wasn’t the big brother I saw the first time I entered the company: it was kind of raining and he took his coat off and I squealed because I was one of his fangirls; and he said let me take care of you. He always did and up until now, I realized how careful he had been with me.
He looked me in the eyes, passing a bottle of water. “You’re really tired, Patrice. Stop forcing yourself, you’re already in pain.” He would call me by my real name and not the one I was supposed to be getting used to now.
“I’ve always been in pain, anyway.” I sadly said. “Not that he would care.”
He cupped my chin up, his expression growing grave as mine and not a moment later, he took me in his arms and we stayed like this for almost a minute, an hour, a day, whatever even--- I just knew it was so long that after awhile I forgot the hatefulness against the unreasonable relationship with Hyukjae. Yes it was unreasonable, and perhaps there never even was an us in the first place.
“I always thought he loved me. And then I realized I’ve been living a lie.”
Our foreheads were close, and inches more before our lips could have crushed against each other, my heart started thumping stronger and stronger--- out of Hyukjae’s insolence or Jinki’s innocent smile, I really couldn’t anymore be sure.
“There are a few of us who still do, though so don’t cry,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “Everybody hates me. They do, you know? I understand English better than anyone and all the hate comments on Youtube, all the blogs that were put up against our group, all the anti remarks about my selcas with Hyukjae...”
Jinki chuckled. “There’s Chanyeol. And there’s Jongin. Sehun kind of likes you too and your dongsaeng who’s always tagging along. Your unnies love you, and you’re Amber’s favorite. So I don’t see why you need to mope around over that guy. I’m still here.”
I bit my lip in shock, almost holding back the grin. “You’re nice, you know that?”
He shrugged, smugly beaming. “That’s me all right. Onew can always bring a smile on your face.”
“Thanks,” I pecked his check for that, lying my head by his shoulder. Somehow, things are already better, even when my eyes travel to the mirror and know it wasn’t.
He was there, just what Lynde had warned me about, standing by the doorway and keeping that straight face of a puppy that he knew I couldn’t resist easily. He watched as Onew caressed the side of my red hair, and in so many ways I kept wondering if he felt the same intense jealousy I had, same sinful kind of possesive lust, and not the fangirl type as Chanyeol defined it that time I also had when I saw him and that nameless girl. I wished so much that he was, so much but before I knew it, he faded into the shadows and walked away
My heart still shattered by Onew’s side. It wasn’t enough. Perhaps it never had been.
.......