uh, what just happened?
"right now, i'm just at a point in my life where i've realized that i have to truly love myself and do a lot of work on how i view things, and what goes into a relationship and what i deserve and everything of that nature. what i want is love and romance and good feelings and coexisting hearts that lean on each other, but the way i want it really isn't, true. how it exists and why i want it to exist are two completely different things"
i wrote that in an instant messenger today to my friend erin. i wanted to put it in here so i wouldn't forget it. it sort of makes me sound like i have a general idea or understanding of what i want. what i think i deserve. which i guess i do.
'nother long post, but i've broken it up into topics
Everything Is Illuminated and glass where a mirror should be
i was reading Everything is Illuminated today when they said something about dying everyday. which is how i feel sometimes when i wake up. i feel likes it's a new day and everything is being seen for the first time. which is difficult. because it's hard for me to build up on life, when this is happening. but i got a lot of sleep last night. so maybe it's in my control. funny to think of yourself as in control of how much you retain from the previous day depending on how much sleep you allow yourself.
In the book there is a boy named Alex, who is handicapped with a misunderstanding of the literal english meaning, even though his prose is wonderfully unique and definitively it's own. there is this one part where he and the other character, Jonathan, are discussing writing. Jonathan says "I'm looking for my voice" and Alex replies "It's in your mouth." I think this is absolutely great. just great.
i really don't know why sometimes it's so hard for me to see myself from the outside. tonight my friend michael said to me "You say some of the most smart, witty, and funny things i've ever heard." i replied that they might be witty, but not intellectual. but he thought they were, that some things i say, require a certain amount of understanding to comprehend.
other people have told me i'm funny and smart and attractive. and i see some of it, but not all. and it'd really help if i could, because i sort of need those things to help build my foundation.
my dishwasher is so annoying. either that or i've about reached my noise quota for the day.
sometimes i feel so intellectually inferior. to the point that i can't keep up with other people's conversation. i can almost always say something funny. but my use of humor sometimes mars my emotions. i use sarcasm to deal with things that i don't want to deal with. i think i've already said this in a previous entry, but perhaps i need to remind myself. one day i made a joke about something brigette told me of a sensitive nature, and she had to tell me, i hope you know that what i'm talking about isn't a joke. i felt really bad.
jeremey's routine contemplations on girls and girl
lately i've been looking into the eyes of some of my female friends and have been realizing the beauty of theirs that i've never been aware of before. that might sound strange, but when it happens it's even stranger.
i think she still knows i care about her. i already have her birthday present in mind. and it's not for a couple months. getting it is going to be hard though. you know, the thing is, she knows i'm in this transitional period. i know that it wouldn't be fair to try and get back together with her right now. she knows that i mean good, and that i'm trying to become this better person. i know that i'm doing that too. or at least i think i know. it's all these things i "think" i know. perhaps i really do just think too much about things. that's why i need books. books are strange. because they slow my brain down, but it's not like they are easy for me to absorb. i guess it's like trying to plug a hole spewing water with a piece of wood. eventually, the wood will get wet and the water will drip through it, but for now, that will keep the water busy.
everyday i imagine telling her, not a day has gone by since it happened that i haven't thought about you. then i think about whether or not that is true. and it is. there are quiet things that she doesn't know. just things that i don't know why but i want her to know. like, a couple of nights ago, i was really drunk, and missed her a lot, and just wanted to call her and say please please please, i miss you so much, can i please see you. which was, probably just because i wanted to hold her and kiss her. not even sex, really (which wouldn't happen anyway, but these things need to be said). still though, she shouldn't be someone i just want to hold and kiss, that's good, but there's more, we all know that. but even in that drunken emotional upside down volcano state, i knew she didn't deserve a drunken call from me. that all my heartbroken heroes, who get drunk to deal with their sadness, who get drunk and have awful arguments or confrontations with their significant others, are not giving them what they deserve. sure you can sympathize, and when someone is feeling like that, you can't just let them go. but i think it's not right. your significant other doesn't deserve a drunk you spewing blindly passionate comments, thoughts, and confessions. this isn't a whack on those people, but i don't think i ever want to do that again. and i hope i never will since now i know better. i find myself wanting to hold and kiss her when i'm sober too, that hasn't really changed. it's really hard to say all of this, because i feel awful saying it. it helps to think that most guys make calls like i do, and that most guys sometimes get drunk and want to make out with someone they have made out with before. it just makes it so cheap though. and i feel like i should be above it, when i'm actually on the same level. but not anymore, that's what i'm saying to myself right now. because i know better. i know better. i hate to say "drunken heroes" but doesn't the message of some of the songs you listen to sort of say, drink you misery away, or say something about being drunk while having a serious talk with someone? maybe i just think that.
openness vs.filtering
something that i'm having to juggle is my sense of openness versus filtering. when i say that i mean my own judgment of things. taste, more or less. it's like, when i open myself up to all these things that i'm new to, i have to suffer through the pile of leaves before i can pick out which ones i like best. i don't know, it makes me feel like i'm not thinking for myself. where there is so much i want to learn about, and aren't sure if it's truly good or not. like, when i try and sympathize with everything, and try to get into the person's shoes who is watching this tv program, or the person who made this music, or even the people who are watching it, their sense of humor, their life. and so when i think about it like this, i can sort of appreciate anything artsy. like this old comedy show i saw on tel mundo (telo?) named el chavo. it was so old and i couldn't understand anything except the slapstick, and it was old, and really not that amusing. but then i thought about those people, and how maybe they were just doing that show because they needed the money, or because they wanted to make people laugh, further their career, or had nothing else to do. perhaps that was the best they thought their lives were going to get, or that they wanted to try their hand at acting, or do something fun and unique. when i thought all about this, i couldn't really call the show stupid, even though it wasn't all that entertaining. jeeze, yeah, it's just stuff like that. i guess i have the right to not like something, but perhaps i should still respect it's creation, existence, and what it means to other people. god, doesn't that sound like something i should already do? haha
i think that's about all i can crank out at the moment, i can see a black rectangle looming on the wall in front of me from my peripheral vision that disappears when looked directly at. god knows what what means.
overall, this was a positive entry, because i learned something about myself. in fact, most all of mine are, because whether or not i know it, anytime i write i find things out about myself. which is actually something i wanted to start telling myself in the morning.
today you are going to find something out about yourself. you don't even know what it is right now, and you might not even notice it, but as long as you have the courage and enthusiasm to participate in life it will happen.
i wrote that in an instant messenger today to my friend erin. i wanted to put it in here so i wouldn't forget it. it sort of makes me sound like i have a general idea or understanding of what i want. what i think i deserve. which i guess i do.
'nother long post, but i've broken it up into topics
Everything Is Illuminated and glass where a mirror should be
i was reading Everything is Illuminated today when they said something about dying everyday. which is how i feel sometimes when i wake up. i feel likes it's a new day and everything is being seen for the first time. which is difficult. because it's hard for me to build up on life, when this is happening. but i got a lot of sleep last night. so maybe it's in my control. funny to think of yourself as in control of how much you retain from the previous day depending on how much sleep you allow yourself.
In the book there is a boy named Alex, who is handicapped with a misunderstanding of the literal english meaning, even though his prose is wonderfully unique and definitively it's own. there is this one part where he and the other character, Jonathan, are discussing writing. Jonathan says "I'm looking for my voice" and Alex replies "It's in your mouth." I think this is absolutely great. just great.
i really don't know why sometimes it's so hard for me to see myself from the outside. tonight my friend michael said to me "You say some of the most smart, witty, and funny things i've ever heard." i replied that they might be witty, but not intellectual. but he thought they were, that some things i say, require a certain amount of understanding to comprehend.
other people have told me i'm funny and smart and attractive. and i see some of it, but not all. and it'd really help if i could, because i sort of need those things to help build my foundation.
my dishwasher is so annoying. either that or i've about reached my noise quota for the day.
sometimes i feel so intellectually inferior. to the point that i can't keep up with other people's conversation. i can almost always say something funny. but my use of humor sometimes mars my emotions. i use sarcasm to deal with things that i don't want to deal with. i think i've already said this in a previous entry, but perhaps i need to remind myself. one day i made a joke about something brigette told me of a sensitive nature, and she had to tell me, i hope you know that what i'm talking about isn't a joke. i felt really bad.
jeremey's routine contemplations on girls and girl
lately i've been looking into the eyes of some of my female friends and have been realizing the beauty of theirs that i've never been aware of before. that might sound strange, but when it happens it's even stranger.
i think she still knows i care about her. i already have her birthday present in mind. and it's not for a couple months. getting it is going to be hard though. you know, the thing is, she knows i'm in this transitional period. i know that it wouldn't be fair to try and get back together with her right now. she knows that i mean good, and that i'm trying to become this better person. i know that i'm doing that too. or at least i think i know. it's all these things i "think" i know. perhaps i really do just think too much about things. that's why i need books. books are strange. because they slow my brain down, but it's not like they are easy for me to absorb. i guess it's like trying to plug a hole spewing water with a piece of wood. eventually, the wood will get wet and the water will drip through it, but for now, that will keep the water busy.
everyday i imagine telling her, not a day has gone by since it happened that i haven't thought about you. then i think about whether or not that is true. and it is. there are quiet things that she doesn't know. just things that i don't know why but i want her to know. like, a couple of nights ago, i was really drunk, and missed her a lot, and just wanted to call her and say please please please, i miss you so much, can i please see you. which was, probably just because i wanted to hold her and kiss her. not even sex, really (which wouldn't happen anyway, but these things need to be said). still though, she shouldn't be someone i just want to hold and kiss, that's good, but there's more, we all know that. but even in that drunken emotional upside down volcano state, i knew she didn't deserve a drunken call from me. that all my heartbroken heroes, who get drunk to deal with their sadness, who get drunk and have awful arguments or confrontations with their significant others, are not giving them what they deserve. sure you can sympathize, and when someone is feeling like that, you can't just let them go. but i think it's not right. your significant other doesn't deserve a drunk you spewing blindly passionate comments, thoughts, and confessions. this isn't a whack on those people, but i don't think i ever want to do that again. and i hope i never will since now i know better. i find myself wanting to hold and kiss her when i'm sober too, that hasn't really changed. it's really hard to say all of this, because i feel awful saying it. it helps to think that most guys make calls like i do, and that most guys sometimes get drunk and want to make out with someone they have made out with before. it just makes it so cheap though. and i feel like i should be above it, when i'm actually on the same level. but not anymore, that's what i'm saying to myself right now. because i know better. i know better. i hate to say "drunken heroes" but doesn't the message of some of the songs you listen to sort of say, drink you misery away, or say something about being drunk while having a serious talk with someone? maybe i just think that.
openness vs.filtering
something that i'm having to juggle is my sense of openness versus filtering. when i say that i mean my own judgment of things. taste, more or less. it's like, when i open myself up to all these things that i'm new to, i have to suffer through the pile of leaves before i can pick out which ones i like best. i don't know, it makes me feel like i'm not thinking for myself. where there is so much i want to learn about, and aren't sure if it's truly good or not. like, when i try and sympathize with everything, and try to get into the person's shoes who is watching this tv program, or the person who made this music, or even the people who are watching it, their sense of humor, their life. and so when i think about it like this, i can sort of appreciate anything artsy. like this old comedy show i saw on tel mundo (telo?) named el chavo. it was so old and i couldn't understand anything except the slapstick, and it was old, and really not that amusing. but then i thought about those people, and how maybe they were just doing that show because they needed the money, or because they wanted to make people laugh, further their career, or had nothing else to do. perhaps that was the best they thought their lives were going to get, or that they wanted to try their hand at acting, or do something fun and unique. when i thought all about this, i couldn't really call the show stupid, even though it wasn't all that entertaining. jeeze, yeah, it's just stuff like that. i guess i have the right to not like something, but perhaps i should still respect it's creation, existence, and what it means to other people. god, doesn't that sound like something i should already do? haha
i think that's about all i can crank out at the moment, i can see a black rectangle looming on the wall in front of me from my peripheral vision that disappears when looked directly at. god knows what what means.
overall, this was a positive entry, because i learned something about myself. in fact, most all of mine are, because whether or not i know it, anytime i write i find things out about myself. which is actually something i wanted to start telling myself in the morning.
today you are going to find something out about yourself. you don't even know what it is right now, and you might not even notice it, but as long as you have the courage and enthusiasm to participate in life it will happen.