(no subject)
In the past few years I've been surrounded by people who have a different outlook on life than I always did before. I must say that in my line of work I've found myself out of town more than I find myself in it, and that tying myself down to one person hasn't been something I was particularly interested in out of fear of having to stay in one place for a lengthy period of time and giving up what I love to do. Still though, I was never one for anything casual and I never saw the interest in shagging someone new every night. I didn't want commitement, but I didn't not want it either. I suppose that is an enormous contradiction, but I've never said I was one to make a lot of sense.
What happened between Damon and I was sudden to say the very least. It started off as a fun little fling and before I knew it I was pregnant and the both of us were thrown together even when we might not have wanted to be. We tried though, I know that he wanted a family, but I'm not sure he ever really wanted a serious relationship at all, but a child. That isn't to say he wanted nothing to do with me, though at times I can't help but think that's the case. I suppose after awhile of being that close to someone feelings that aren't supposed to be there are, and as much as you try they're not easy to push away. Can't help how you feel is what I say, and I don't care if it sounds like nonsense it's true. I'm sure most people have been in that same position, and it's shitty but impossible to help. Being in love with someone who could never love you is hard, and leaves you vulnerable. Suppose that's life then isn't it?
I think I've learned to set myself up for disaster by fancying people who are nothing like me. Or perhaps they are, and that in itself is the problem. I'm used to being upset when it seems that I've no right to be, but you'd think that after conversation after conversation of the things that have hurt you in the past to one person they'd be a bit more understanding and at least have the decency to let you know before they do something that has the potential to throw you. But maybe I read them wrong the entire time, and I should have seen it coming. I should ask one person alone to keep their 'I Told you so' to themself for now.
My comfort now is that I've a daughter who knows nothing of her mothers insecurities and hurts yet has no problem laying next to her hugging now and again when she thinks she needs it. Beautiful thing a child. I've also a dear friend who is someone helping to keep me sane during this silly time. To her I owe many thanks, and a trip to New York that will hopefully be helpful to use both.
As for my rant in the beginning, I've come to realise that casual isn't as bad as I always made it out to seem, it can be a big comfort actually. Though the act of doing it when you're tied still troubles me a bit, when you've no ties to anyone at all it's quite all right isn't it? Very good then.
What happened between Damon and I was sudden to say the very least. It started off as a fun little fling and before I knew it I was pregnant and the both of us were thrown together even when we might not have wanted to be. We tried though, I know that he wanted a family, but I'm not sure he ever really wanted a serious relationship at all, but a child. That isn't to say he wanted nothing to do with me, though at times I can't help but think that's the case. I suppose after awhile of being that close to someone feelings that aren't supposed to be there are, and as much as you try they're not easy to push away. Can't help how you feel is what I say, and I don't care if it sounds like nonsense it's true. I'm sure most people have been in that same position, and it's shitty but impossible to help. Being in love with someone who could never love you is hard, and leaves you vulnerable. Suppose that's life then isn't it?
I think I've learned to set myself up for disaster by fancying people who are nothing like me. Or perhaps they are, and that in itself is the problem. I'm used to being upset when it seems that I've no right to be, but you'd think that after conversation after conversation of the things that have hurt you in the past to one person they'd be a bit more understanding and at least have the decency to let you know before they do something that has the potential to throw you. But maybe I read them wrong the entire time, and I should have seen it coming. I should ask one person alone to keep their 'I Told you so' to themself for now.
My comfort now is that I've a daughter who knows nothing of her mothers insecurities and hurts yet has no problem laying next to her hugging now and again when she thinks she needs it. Beautiful thing a child. I've also a dear friend who is someone helping to keep me sane during this silly time. To her I owe many thanks, and a trip to New York that will hopefully be helpful to use both.
As for my rant in the beginning, I've come to realise that casual isn't as bad as I always made it out to seem, it can be a big comfort actually. Though the act of doing it when you're tied still troubles me a bit, when you've no ties to anyone at all it's quite all right isn't it? Very good then.