I talk it out I talk it out I talk it out
SOOOOO after talking to a few of my old crew mates from the ship I think I caught the travel bug...again. There really should be a vaccination for this.
It's funny...I think I had some emotional/relationship issues I had to work out and being back where I was raised was the perfect place and Joel was/is the perfect person. I for the most part love my life; my friends, my coworkers, Joel, Griffin, my family, the local beer...the local weed...the local hikes. There is not for sure something lacking though, in my daily routine or general. No it's not spiritualism, I'm quite fulfilled with the belief that I'm another mammal that will die like any other mammal and if I have it my way my energy that I've been taking from the earth all these years will be returned.
Sometimes I wonder if it's in my relationship with Joel. Everyone knows Joel is great. He has a great heart, he's completely unselfish, funny and a little sassy. However, the guy is for sure straight crazy. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy his crazy but sometimes when his logic is so far off and his ego throws itself in the way of listening and taking in intelligent thought it drives me nuts. I'm one to question everything I hear but he is one to not believe anything he hears and make up facts that are solely based off of scenarios made up in his head. This I think overtime would frustrate almost any normal intelligent being. At times it is just plain scary. I've tried pushing classes and books upon him for years but it took me almost a year just to convince him to cut his hair so...I don't hold out to much hope. He's smart he's just too scared to overcome his ego and try it out...or at least that's what I tell myself. I do have to say I miss having braingasms from men.
Sometimes I wonder if it's just out of my own fear and laziness that something is lacking. I don't always go for what I want to do even the simple things like learning poi poi. I have poi poi...but you know...they are upstairs and...I...don't...have ...room to practice?
I guess I just always thought I'd be a little more adventuress, travel a little more be free a little more. I occasionally wonder if Joel and I just hide behind each others fears for comfort. If he's not doing then it's fine if I don't because at least we fail together. Or maybe I'm actually just happy and comfortable and maybe I'm much more a creature of habit than I'd ever like to admit.
Not that I'm failing, I've actually accomplished what I've wanted to for the most part.
I had this dream the other night. It was Joel and mine relationship but Joel was emotionally Alex. He had built his life around me and after four years he proposed. I couldn't say yes. It broke my heart and it destroyed him, which broke my heart further. It got me thinking if Joel proposed to me. I don't think my initial reaction would be yes. It wouldn't be no either but I think you should really know if you do or not after four years right? I think about us being married and I think I'd like that but when I think about the actual proposal I'm left blank. I've worked really hard not to be too flighty to maintain good friendships but I think it's still very scary to have someone build there life around you. That's a lot of responsibility. On the positive side, he's not the first to do so but he's definitely the only one that I cared enough about to care about that. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Who knows. I like that I've actually said almost all of this to him and he tells me equally honest comments, not in anger. I'm not sure how many people are as strong as him in that aspect but thank goodness because I'm not so easy on my loved ones. I'm not sure if logically the pros out weigh the cons but most days I really like the guy and I miss him anytime he's not around so that should count for something.
Still I think I've got to overcome these little sub conscience fears for the both of us so I don't end up like my mom who blames my dad for all of their collective "failures". If that means we don't work out then o.k. but I've got to try and I have to keep remembering who I am, go back to my roots while still accepting change into my life.
O.k. Bed time.
It's funny...I think I had some emotional/relationship issues I had to work out and being back where I was raised was the perfect place and Joel was/is the perfect person. I for the most part love my life; my friends, my coworkers, Joel, Griffin, my family, the local beer...the local weed...the local hikes. There is not for sure something lacking though, in my daily routine or general. No it's not spiritualism, I'm quite fulfilled with the belief that I'm another mammal that will die like any other mammal and if I have it my way my energy that I've been taking from the earth all these years will be returned.
Sometimes I wonder if it's in my relationship with Joel. Everyone knows Joel is great. He has a great heart, he's completely unselfish, funny and a little sassy. However, the guy is for sure straight crazy. I'm not saying that I don't enjoy his crazy but sometimes when his logic is so far off and his ego throws itself in the way of listening and taking in intelligent thought it drives me nuts. I'm one to question everything I hear but he is one to not believe anything he hears and make up facts that are solely based off of scenarios made up in his head. This I think overtime would frustrate almost any normal intelligent being. At times it is just plain scary. I've tried pushing classes and books upon him for years but it took me almost a year just to convince him to cut his hair so...I don't hold out to much hope. He's smart he's just too scared to overcome his ego and try it out...or at least that's what I tell myself. I do have to say I miss having braingasms from men.
Sometimes I wonder if it's just out of my own fear and laziness that something is lacking. I don't always go for what I want to do even the simple things like learning poi poi. I have poi poi...but you know...they are upstairs and...I...don't...have ...room to practice?
I guess I just always thought I'd be a little more adventuress, travel a little more be free a little more. I occasionally wonder if Joel and I just hide behind each others fears for comfort. If he's not doing then it's fine if I don't because at least we fail together. Or maybe I'm actually just happy and comfortable and maybe I'm much more a creature of habit than I'd ever like to admit.
Not that I'm failing, I've actually accomplished what I've wanted to for the most part.
I had this dream the other night. It was Joel and mine relationship but Joel was emotionally Alex. He had built his life around me and after four years he proposed. I couldn't say yes. It broke my heart and it destroyed him, which broke my heart further. It got me thinking if Joel proposed to me. I don't think my initial reaction would be yes. It wouldn't be no either but I think you should really know if you do or not after four years right? I think about us being married and I think I'd like that but when I think about the actual proposal I'm left blank. I've worked really hard not to be too flighty to maintain good friendships but I think it's still very scary to have someone build there life around you. That's a lot of responsibility. On the positive side, he's not the first to do so but he's definitely the only one that I cared enough about to care about that. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Who knows. I like that I've actually said almost all of this to him and he tells me equally honest comments, not in anger. I'm not sure how many people are as strong as him in that aspect but thank goodness because I'm not so easy on my loved ones. I'm not sure if logically the pros out weigh the cons but most days I really like the guy and I miss him anytime he's not around so that should count for something.
Still I think I've got to overcome these little sub conscience fears for the both of us so I don't end up like my mom who blames my dad for all of their collective "failures". If that means we don't work out then o.k. but I've got to try and I have to keep remembering who I am, go back to my roots while still accepting change into my life.
O.k. Bed time.