Truly what was damaging me....
I feel like a giant fool, i was completely dooped, misguided, disillusioned, led on, pursuaded into sugar coating everything that bothered me so I would learn to pretend it wasn't actually happening and that I had the life I'd set up for myself, and it was wrong to think in the ways that I'd been taught and learned and there was no respect for being raised by my parents and my Church family, even led to believe my faith wasn't right and things had to be changed. I feel like a fool, who needed to be renewed, and revitalized, and refreshed by the genuine beliefs and genuine lessons of respect and honoring your father and mother, and the 10 commandments, and validated as legitimate crys for help came, and weakness felt empty while my heart ached from the release of all of the lies I was holding inside as my superimposed "way of proper thinking", those methods of living, all lies.........
I feel like a giant fool, now scarred from not learning to properly guard my heart, and scarred from learning a life of honor and selflessness to serve and help others whom you care about very muhc. I am scarred from becoming so emotionally attached to every human with whom I had contact. My need to help and show my love through actions of kindness led to an endless draw from the well of generosity and love.
I feel like a giant fool for being conned into believing that this was what a relationship with a man was going to be like, no matter what. The idea that it was my job to be the woman half of a sterotypical adult relationship taking the place of Momma of the House was guilted into me.
I am pooped out tired from having to carry around all of the disillusioned lies about love.
I am renewed to realization of what we as people are attracted to, and what we are fed as children to believe. I am still stuck on the fairy tale man, and when I have done some studying about real love, what marriage really meant to God, and what it meant to different people. I am scarred from walking around carrying this huge burden of a life that I had been led to believe was the ideal life, House, Dog, Cats, Cars, Yard, Wedding, Husband, Vacation, jobs, music.....
I felt foolish for accepting that cold hard facts of my genetic makeup was all in my head and there wasn't any reason for what I went through in school.
I was feeling like an moron for actually thinking that a man could be in love with me......I have not seen it to be completely true yet. I am a fool for thinking that when I was spending all of my time with the man I loved, that this was how I was showing him my love.
I am a fool for believing that the man would understand I was only trying to be helpful and love him and be supportive. I am a fool for not seeing that men have needs and they have fears and insecurities too. I had no self-awareness, I had only the scorn and the damaged emotions to wear. Those ugly foolish beliefs got me hurt pretty bad. My own naivity and my own blindness to the truth. My faith in God kept me going and my own ideals were right, I just didn't realize that even though I knew the right thing and I knew what needed to happen, that I couldn't actually feel it, and couldn't do it. I believed that God would help me through, and yet I suffered and suffered and suffered. I finally felt God, I finally felt the release of the jealousy, and the release of the longing. I felt the need to have my own life back and started to take care of myself. Joined the gym, started counting my caloric intake. Was pretty consistant about going to the gym too, didn't give up. I began to realize that this was boosting my confidence and as a result I got more attention. This was boosting my self-esteem. I then got scolded for thinking I was doint the right thing for myself. I am a fool for going to the gym and not staying home to take care of the laundry and dishes my husband left all over the house for four days and counting, and he doesn't have time to take care of things because he has his children at the house. Well I'm a fool for thinking I could still have time for myself when his kids were there because I needed to be home to do everything for his kids too since he had to stay on the couch watching TV on his days off. I am a fool for thinking I could clean up on my days off because I should have known that that was when I was supposted to sumbit to my husband whenever he wanted.
I feel like a fool for thinking that I could stand up for myself and do what needed to be done.
I feel like a fool for believing that marriage meant that the man loved you and you did everything for him as the wife.
I AM a fool for giving up everything I truly cared about to maintain this man's life for him.
What happened to me? I thought I was a person too? Where did my creativity go? I had to relearn how to access that part of my brain.
Holy cow, I am still here, and this is great, and now I can do it better. This is better than ever. I am just not going to worry anymore, just do one thing at a time. I can only do what I am physically capable of doing. It's physics!
I work and I play, and I do what I need to, when I need to. I am learning to love again.....but guardedly and carefully. I fear I may lose my control I have established.....
God is the one in control, and I clearly see what he does for me now. I just feel that I am still human and the free will God gave me will get in the way sometimes. I need to keep up with devotions to keep myself in check. I still stray sometimes. This is a hard long windy path I walk, and I am doing the best I can. I am renewed, and I will never ever live by this horrible lifestyle again. Signs of it come back from time to time, but they are recognizable and I try very hard to turn them around. I do need help sometimes, and I thank God for the people he has placed in my life to love me and turn those things around.
I feel like a giant fool, now scarred from not learning to properly guard my heart, and scarred from learning a life of honor and selflessness to serve and help others whom you care about very muhc. I am scarred from becoming so emotionally attached to every human with whom I had contact. My need to help and show my love through actions of kindness led to an endless draw from the well of generosity and love.
I feel like a giant fool for being conned into believing that this was what a relationship with a man was going to be like, no matter what. The idea that it was my job to be the woman half of a sterotypical adult relationship taking the place of Momma of the House was guilted into me.
I am pooped out tired from having to carry around all of the disillusioned lies about love.
I am renewed to realization of what we as people are attracted to, and what we are fed as children to believe. I am still stuck on the fairy tale man, and when I have done some studying about real love, what marriage really meant to God, and what it meant to different people. I am scarred from walking around carrying this huge burden of a life that I had been led to believe was the ideal life, House, Dog, Cats, Cars, Yard, Wedding, Husband, Vacation, jobs, music.....
I felt foolish for accepting that cold hard facts of my genetic makeup was all in my head and there wasn't any reason for what I went through in school.
I was feeling like an moron for actually thinking that a man could be in love with me......I have not seen it to be completely true yet. I am a fool for thinking that when I was spending all of my time with the man I loved, that this was how I was showing him my love.
I am a fool for believing that the man would understand I was only trying to be helpful and love him and be supportive. I am a fool for not seeing that men have needs and they have fears and insecurities too. I had no self-awareness, I had only the scorn and the damaged emotions to wear. Those ugly foolish beliefs got me hurt pretty bad. My own naivity and my own blindness to the truth. My faith in God kept me going and my own ideals were right, I just didn't realize that even though I knew the right thing and I knew what needed to happen, that I couldn't actually feel it, and couldn't do it. I believed that God would help me through, and yet I suffered and suffered and suffered. I finally felt God, I finally felt the release of the jealousy, and the release of the longing. I felt the need to have my own life back and started to take care of myself. Joined the gym, started counting my caloric intake. Was pretty consistant about going to the gym too, didn't give up. I began to realize that this was boosting my confidence and as a result I got more attention. This was boosting my self-esteem. I then got scolded for thinking I was doint the right thing for myself. I am a fool for going to the gym and not staying home to take care of the laundry and dishes my husband left all over the house for four days and counting, and he doesn't have time to take care of things because he has his children at the house. Well I'm a fool for thinking I could still have time for myself when his kids were there because I needed to be home to do everything for his kids too since he had to stay on the couch watching TV on his days off. I am a fool for thinking I could clean up on my days off because I should have known that that was when I was supposted to sumbit to my husband whenever he wanted.
I feel like a fool for thinking that I could stand up for myself and do what needed to be done.
I feel like a fool for believing that marriage meant that the man loved you and you did everything for him as the wife.
I AM a fool for giving up everything I truly cared about to maintain this man's life for him.
What happened to me? I thought I was a person too? Where did my creativity go? I had to relearn how to access that part of my brain.
Holy cow, I am still here, and this is great, and now I can do it better. This is better than ever. I am just not going to worry anymore, just do one thing at a time. I can only do what I am physically capable of doing. It's physics!
I work and I play, and I do what I need to, when I need to. I am learning to love again.....but guardedly and carefully. I fear I may lose my control I have established.....
God is the one in control, and I clearly see what he does for me now. I just feel that I am still human and the free will God gave me will get in the way sometimes. I need to keep up with devotions to keep myself in check. I still stray sometimes. This is a hard long windy path I walk, and I am doing the best I can. I am renewed, and I will never ever live by this horrible lifestyle again. Signs of it come back from time to time, but they are recognizable and I try very hard to turn them around. I do need help sometimes, and I thank God for the people he has placed in my life to love me and turn those things around.