Hoodwinked
DON'T READ THIS IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my mom tricked me into getting sleep by saying I was going to have to run her around this morning. Truth is she just didn't want me to be a total expletive deleted when she tried to wake me up. Fooled again! Sometimes Jake's away messages are so confusing my head explodes.
So now I'm so bored and so not ready to sleep that I'm going to relay all of Rounders in my own words. For those of you who haven't seen it and want to without knowing everything that happens, cease reading. For those of you that keep reading, you have about as much of a life as me. Not much P.S.. If you don't wanna read it scroll to the bottom and read my wing review (9 out of 10 McKibbins rate it better than Lummox's wing review).
Okay so the movie probably starts with Matt Damon monloguing about how awesome poker is and how he'd give it a rimjob if he could. I can't remember cause I watched it at like four in the morning. But let's say it starts with some kick ass background music and Matt Damon monloguing about check-raises, fish, and grinders. Moving on. Damon is a law student who is a grinder, a poker player who doesn't lose his mind and play like a maniac but plays well and wins small amounts consistently, enough to bring his bankroll to $30k. For some reason who goes CRAZY and decides he's going to play with all of it.
Crazy scene where he fumbles through hidden areas in his apartment pulling out stacks of rubber banded/wrapped bills. Maybe that's the opening scene, I don't know I was tired. So anyway, Damon takes his bankroll to some dude named Teddy KGB (John Malkovich). Everyone is unbelievably shocked when Damon wants "three stacks of high society" aka 30 large in chips.
Damon sits down at a table where the minimum buy-in is 25k, and where you should be playing with much more than 30. But remember he's lost his mind, which many human beings love to do. He's playing pretty well, and it looks like he's up about 15k, when Damon semi-loses his mind again. He gets dealt an A-9 on the button and raises, and John Malkovich probably says fuck you cause that's what they always say in this movie. Actually he says "it's a position raise I call," but regardless the fact that Big J called in his position should of scared Damon. The flop is a-9-and another card that's not important with two spades. Damon bets, J McJ calls. The turns a 9, which gives Damon a boat and the second best hand possible. He checks, J checks. New paragraph.
The river is another spade, so Damon thinks that KGB made his flush he was chasing on the flop. Malkovich bets an obscene amount, Damon goes all-in and says "I don't think you have the spades." Malkovich says "You're right," Matt Damon monologues "I didn't even have to see the cards" Malkovich says "Aces full" and shows pocket aces. Matt Damon and I simulatenously shit our pants.
Some awesome grinder played by the butler from Mr. Deeds comes and consoles Matt Damon and offers him a job driving a truck. Flash forward nine months.
Damon is owning law school and life, and not playing poker. Maybe A-9 doesn't even haunt his dreams at night, and plus he's Matt Damon and he's doing some blonde chick who isn't hideous. He drops off some papers at his professor's place one night (played by that guy who plays every old Jewish guy in every movie ever made) and they're playing stud. Damon reads everyones hand and wins his Prof. a pot on a bluff (playing 6 handed in a stud game, that's like freaking impossible). All the dudes in the room flip out and give him a blowjob. I think they're all judges too so they put on their robes first.
Damon comes home and his girlfriend is all pissed he was even around a poker game because she's a whiny bitch like that and apparently he promised her he wouldn't play ever again. SUBPLOT. Damon takes some of his clothes off, which I liked, then I think he goes and drives a truck and some guy pisses me off cause the Yankees get brought up and the guys fat and I hate fat guys who talk about the Yankees. Haha if I brought up the Yankees I would have to hate myself.
Anyway, Damon takes this pretty gay looking Jeep Cherokee to go pick up his old friend "Worm" (Ed Norton). I can't remember Damon's character name and am not looking it up. Ed Norton is dominating prison by taking people's cigarettes and trading them for hjs then trading those hjs for better sexual favors, he's a dude magnet. Anyway he's a hustler, and as soon as Damon springs him he wants to go back to what they do best, playing cards.
Worm has lined up some game with a bunch of trust fund babies pretending like him and Damon can't play. Worm also learned how to deal from the bottom and do all other sorts of crazy stuff. Damon is torn with inner anguish, and drives away. But he ends up hitting the breaks and coming back to the house, and owning those rich bitches. They take like a g and call it a night.
When he gets home the next morning his stupid whiny girlfriend flips out again and whines and whines then disappears for a bit cause shes not important and she's stupid.
Worm gets the snot kicked out of him by some dude who plays a gangster in like every movie ever, even ones without gangsters in them. Apparently Worm is down 10k, and this guy consolidated it under KGB (remember Malkovich) and now it's 25 because Worm sucks. Worm had just won 10k earlier that day so he gets it down to 15k. But he keeps playing at this club under Matt Damon's credit and loses a crapton, I'll get to that later.
Damon is late for some mock court and his girlfriend flips out again (I forgot one more paragraph about her than I'm done for awhile). Worm and Matty Matt get back to his apartment and she left him cause he played cards, so they end up going to Atlantic City. They make some money and hang out with some old friends, including Mr. Deeds butler, and some brunette who works at that club that Worm is running up the bill at as we speak.
They come back and this is when we find out Worm is running up the tab cause the brunette comes over to Damon's apartment and they watch the WSOP where Johnny Chan flops the nut straight and slow plays it all the way to the river (this is very important later, SUBPLOT!)
If anyone is still reading this, unreal. Just copied into notepad in case I lose it, hang on Macgyver is on.
So this brunette wants to bang Matt Damon, and he says and I quote "My wiener would rip you in half, look at me I'm Matt Damon." After this line I realized the subplot with his girlfriend was just that she was always pissed off cause Matt Damon's wiener had just come out of her butt five minutes before.
Man I just took like a 15 minute break and now I forget where I was.
Oh okay, Matt Damon goes to a basketball court and flips out on Worm for the 7k bill, but Damon owes Worm for something that happened when they were in school so he's willing to help. Turns out Norton needs to get that 15k in the next two days or he's dead, but for some reason unknown to me but necessary for the plot, Damon vouches for Worm. This, boys and girls, means that Damon also dies if they don't pay.
Damon is the real insane card player of the two, so he goes crazy, turning $1200 into over 8k in a sixty hour session. But since Norton is an ingrate, he just whines about how they're not making it fast enough and how much of a total lesbian he is. So they find this game that's all cops, and Damon is making good dough, and has a good chance of reaching their goal.
Even though he specifically tells him not to, Worm shows up and starts dealing off the bottom to Damon, some dude see Worm leave a "hanger," and insanity ensues. They lose all their money and pretty boy even gets a fake black eye.
Worm takes off and heads for the hills cause the gig is up. Damon however returns to New York to face the music. He asks Mr. Deeds butler for the 15 thousand, but apparently he blew his inheritance from the other movie on lotto tickets, booze, and black men. In so many words he says "Fuck you, I have a family." In these scene, we find out that Matt dominated Johnny Chan in Atlantic City one night, and that's why he wanted to double his bankroll at KGB's, he was gonna go to Vegas and live the life. Then Damon turns to the Jewish Judge who should have been a Rabbi but realized it wasn't for him, another subplot because Damon examines himself and realizes he is not a lawyer but a poker player. Anyway, the guy can only loan him 10 grand by the next day, so Damon comes to the realization that he must play for his life with KGB.
Damon gets the cash, goes to KGB's club and orders just one stack of high society. He plays Being John Malkovich heads up each with 10k winner take all.
On the first hand Damon gets pocket kings, and takes half of KGB's stack. Like 3 hands later he busts him and all of a sudden I'm prepared for a non-climatic, gaybo ending, that makes me wish I had not stayed up so late/early to watch this movie. Which would have confirmed the fact that McKibbin is the worst human being on the planet because he recommended it.
However Johnny Carson Malkovich III, who has the thickest Russian accent ever goads damon into playing by saying "I guess I'm only up twenty-thousand on you now instead of thirty." And Damon says okay, whatever, let's play with more money I need to live.
Time two of Johnny Damon losing his mind. That's right, it's been Johnny Damon all along. They sit down and play some hands, and Damon is getting owned. But he picks up that whenever KGB has a hand he eats an Oreo, so he starts owning back. Last hand of the movie Damon has an 8-9 of spades and the flop is 6-7-10, giving him at the time the nut straight. Damon remembers fat-ass Johnny Chan's skills (at least he didn't talk about the Yankees), slow plays his hand. I don't remember the exact betting that ensues, but a 2 comes on the turn and an ace on the river. KGB thinks Damon missed a draw and goes all-in Damon calls and John Malkovich dumps in his pants, I do for the second time.
Malkovich flips out but then says "Pay the man his money," but you can't understand it because he's a dirty Soviet. The gangster flips out and flips the table, and Damon gets his cash. I think he paid off both his debts and still has like 15k left or something, once again way too early in the morning to remember. But he finally decides to go to Vegas.
He runs into his ex while he's going to give the Jewish dude back his cash, and instead gives it to her to give to him. I would have never trusted her, but anyway dialogue follows as such.
Girl with wang in her butt: "Call me...if you ever need a good lawyer."
World Champion Johnny Damon: "I will...and I will."
Overall I can't believe I just typed all that, but the movie was 1,000 times more awesome (or awesomer if you're me on a bad day of grammar), then I could ever describe.
Damon was great, Malkovich was about 1,000 times better than anything I've ever seen in my life. If I was him I would have just killed myself after that movie because he'll never match that, ever. Not as an actor, but as a human being.
If you don't like this movie, you don't like breathing. I don't know why I felt like summarizing the whole thing, I'm an idiot.
1 wing.
So my mom tricked me into getting sleep by saying I was going to have to run her around this morning. Truth is she just didn't want me to be a total expletive deleted when she tried to wake me up. Fooled again! Sometimes Jake's away messages are so confusing my head explodes.
So now I'm so bored and so not ready to sleep that I'm going to relay all of Rounders in my own words. For those of you who haven't seen it and want to without knowing everything that happens, cease reading. For those of you that keep reading, you have about as much of a life as me. Not much P.S.. If you don't wanna read it scroll to the bottom and read my wing review (9 out of 10 McKibbins rate it better than Lummox's wing review).
Okay so the movie probably starts with Matt Damon monloguing about how awesome poker is and how he'd give it a rimjob if he could. I can't remember cause I watched it at like four in the morning. But let's say it starts with some kick ass background music and Matt Damon monloguing about check-raises, fish, and grinders. Moving on. Damon is a law student who is a grinder, a poker player who doesn't lose his mind and play like a maniac but plays well and wins small amounts consistently, enough to bring his bankroll to $30k. For some reason who goes CRAZY and decides he's going to play with all of it.
Crazy scene where he fumbles through hidden areas in his apartment pulling out stacks of rubber banded/wrapped bills. Maybe that's the opening scene, I don't know I was tired. So anyway, Damon takes his bankroll to some dude named Teddy KGB (John Malkovich). Everyone is unbelievably shocked when Damon wants "three stacks of high society" aka 30 large in chips.
Damon sits down at a table where the minimum buy-in is 25k, and where you should be playing with much more than 30. But remember he's lost his mind, which many human beings love to do. He's playing pretty well, and it looks like he's up about 15k, when Damon semi-loses his mind again. He gets dealt an A-9 on the button and raises, and John Malkovich probably says fuck you cause that's what they always say in this movie. Actually he says "it's a position raise I call," but regardless the fact that Big J called in his position should of scared Damon. The flop is a-9-and another card that's not important with two spades. Damon bets, J McJ calls. The turns a 9, which gives Damon a boat and the second best hand possible. He checks, J checks. New paragraph.
The river is another spade, so Damon thinks that KGB made his flush he was chasing on the flop. Malkovich bets an obscene amount, Damon goes all-in and says "I don't think you have the spades." Malkovich says "You're right," Matt Damon monologues "I didn't even have to see the cards" Malkovich says "Aces full" and shows pocket aces. Matt Damon and I simulatenously shit our pants.
Some awesome grinder played by the butler from Mr. Deeds comes and consoles Matt Damon and offers him a job driving a truck. Flash forward nine months.
Damon is owning law school and life, and not playing poker. Maybe A-9 doesn't even haunt his dreams at night, and plus he's Matt Damon and he's doing some blonde chick who isn't hideous. He drops off some papers at his professor's place one night (played by that guy who plays every old Jewish guy in every movie ever made) and they're playing stud. Damon reads everyones hand and wins his Prof. a pot on a bluff (playing 6 handed in a stud game, that's like freaking impossible). All the dudes in the room flip out and give him a blowjob. I think they're all judges too so they put on their robes first.
Damon comes home and his girlfriend is all pissed he was even around a poker game because she's a whiny bitch like that and apparently he promised her he wouldn't play ever again. SUBPLOT. Damon takes some of his clothes off, which I liked, then I think he goes and drives a truck and some guy pisses me off cause the Yankees get brought up and the guys fat and I hate fat guys who talk about the Yankees. Haha if I brought up the Yankees I would have to hate myself.
Anyway, Damon takes this pretty gay looking Jeep Cherokee to go pick up his old friend "Worm" (Ed Norton). I can't remember Damon's character name and am not looking it up. Ed Norton is dominating prison by taking people's cigarettes and trading them for hjs then trading those hjs for better sexual favors, he's a dude magnet. Anyway he's a hustler, and as soon as Damon springs him he wants to go back to what they do best, playing cards.
Worm has lined up some game with a bunch of trust fund babies pretending like him and Damon can't play. Worm also learned how to deal from the bottom and do all other sorts of crazy stuff. Damon is torn with inner anguish, and drives away. But he ends up hitting the breaks and coming back to the house, and owning those rich bitches. They take like a g and call it a night.
When he gets home the next morning his stupid whiny girlfriend flips out again and whines and whines then disappears for a bit cause shes not important and she's stupid.
Worm gets the snot kicked out of him by some dude who plays a gangster in like every movie ever, even ones without gangsters in them. Apparently Worm is down 10k, and this guy consolidated it under KGB (remember Malkovich) and now it's 25 because Worm sucks. Worm had just won 10k earlier that day so he gets it down to 15k. But he keeps playing at this club under Matt Damon's credit and loses a crapton, I'll get to that later.
Damon is late for some mock court and his girlfriend flips out again (I forgot one more paragraph about her than I'm done for awhile). Worm and Matty Matt get back to his apartment and she left him cause he played cards, so they end up going to Atlantic City. They make some money and hang out with some old friends, including Mr. Deeds butler, and some brunette who works at that club that Worm is running up the bill at as we speak.
They come back and this is when we find out Worm is running up the tab cause the brunette comes over to Damon's apartment and they watch the WSOP where Johnny Chan flops the nut straight and slow plays it all the way to the river (this is very important later, SUBPLOT!)
If anyone is still reading this, unreal. Just copied into notepad in case I lose it, hang on Macgyver is on.
So this brunette wants to bang Matt Damon, and he says and I quote "My wiener would rip you in half, look at me I'm Matt Damon." After this line I realized the subplot with his girlfriend was just that she was always pissed off cause Matt Damon's wiener had just come out of her butt five minutes before.
Man I just took like a 15 minute break and now I forget where I was.
Oh okay, Matt Damon goes to a basketball court and flips out on Worm for the 7k bill, but Damon owes Worm for something that happened when they were in school so he's willing to help. Turns out Norton needs to get that 15k in the next two days or he's dead, but for some reason unknown to me but necessary for the plot, Damon vouches for Worm. This, boys and girls, means that Damon also dies if they don't pay.
Damon is the real insane card player of the two, so he goes crazy, turning $1200 into over 8k in a sixty hour session. But since Norton is an ingrate, he just whines about how they're not making it fast enough and how much of a total lesbian he is. So they find this game that's all cops, and Damon is making good dough, and has a good chance of reaching their goal.
Even though he specifically tells him not to, Worm shows up and starts dealing off the bottom to Damon, some dude see Worm leave a "hanger," and insanity ensues. They lose all their money and pretty boy even gets a fake black eye.
Worm takes off and heads for the hills cause the gig is up. Damon however returns to New York to face the music. He asks Mr. Deeds butler for the 15 thousand, but apparently he blew his inheritance from the other movie on lotto tickets, booze, and black men. In so many words he says "Fuck you, I have a family." In these scene, we find out that Matt dominated Johnny Chan in Atlantic City one night, and that's why he wanted to double his bankroll at KGB's, he was gonna go to Vegas and live the life. Then Damon turns to the Jewish Judge who should have been a Rabbi but realized it wasn't for him, another subplot because Damon examines himself and realizes he is not a lawyer but a poker player. Anyway, the guy can only loan him 10 grand by the next day, so Damon comes to the realization that he must play for his life with KGB.
Damon gets the cash, goes to KGB's club and orders just one stack of high society. He plays Being John Malkovich heads up each with 10k winner take all.
On the first hand Damon gets pocket kings, and takes half of KGB's stack. Like 3 hands later he busts him and all of a sudden I'm prepared for a non-climatic, gaybo ending, that makes me wish I had not stayed up so late/early to watch this movie. Which would have confirmed the fact that McKibbin is the worst human being on the planet because he recommended it.
However Johnny Carson Malkovich III, who has the thickest Russian accent ever goads damon into playing by saying "I guess I'm only up twenty-thousand on you now instead of thirty." And Damon says okay, whatever, let's play with more money I need to live.
Time two of Johnny Damon losing his mind. That's right, it's been Johnny Damon all along. They sit down and play some hands, and Damon is getting owned. But he picks up that whenever KGB has a hand he eats an Oreo, so he starts owning back. Last hand of the movie Damon has an 8-9 of spades and the flop is 6-7-10, giving him at the time the nut straight. Damon remembers fat-ass Johnny Chan's skills (at least he didn't talk about the Yankees), slow plays his hand. I don't remember the exact betting that ensues, but a 2 comes on the turn and an ace on the river. KGB thinks Damon missed a draw and goes all-in Damon calls and John Malkovich dumps in his pants, I do for the second time.
Malkovich flips out but then says "Pay the man his money," but you can't understand it because he's a dirty Soviet. The gangster flips out and flips the table, and Damon gets his cash. I think he paid off both his debts and still has like 15k left or something, once again way too early in the morning to remember. But he finally decides to go to Vegas.
He runs into his ex while he's going to give the Jewish dude back his cash, and instead gives it to her to give to him. I would have never trusted her, but anyway dialogue follows as such.
Girl with wang in her butt: "Call me...if you ever need a good lawyer."
World Champion Johnny Damon: "I will...and I will."
Overall I can't believe I just typed all that, but the movie was 1,000 times more awesome (or awesomer if you're me on a bad day of grammar), then I could ever describe.
Damon was great, Malkovich was about 1,000 times better than anything I've ever seen in my life. If I was him I would have just killed myself after that movie because he'll never match that, ever. Not as an actor, but as a human being.
If you don't like this movie, you don't like breathing. I don't know why I felt like summarizing the whole thing, I'm an idiot.
1 wing.