trying to see yourself
The vein is the same so you can skip this as there will be nothing new in this post
maybe just a steam of consciousness
its like looking back its easy to see what you were and always hard to see what has yet to come. its when you look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back at you. from the clothes your wearing to the hair or lack there of on your head to the the body that's betraying you to the way you carry yourself. honestly i know that changing one of these can effect the others..... both positive and negative.
sometimes i think its the way you feel....
maybe that's it... i have become numb....i mean i don't know what to feel... that i don't like things but that i don't know what i do like ..... when did it become so hard to remember what you love.... it would seem that you shouldn't forget the things that you love or make you happy.... or is it that once you become numb or turn things off for whatever reason nothing gets through..... it's probably a protection measure...... like hurting too much to care so then nothing gets in.... both the bad and the good...
maybe that's not it.... but it does seem that i spend most days just getting through each day....and not well.... just barely......like going though the motions so you cant get to tomorrow only to turn around and do that all again..... oi that even sounds painful......
maybe it's a money thing.... thinking of the things i would really love seems to always be attached to $$$ and then the answer is NO..... having extra spending money is not something i have or think i have its odd.... im not broke but i never really feel like i have spending money.... well except i will buy myself any food i want i mean like at the grocery store...... i mean i balk at what i need to spend to get good shoes so that my feet dont hurt......
pain.... i feel that's all that's ruled my life for the last three years and...... plantar fasciitis.... knee pain..... two ankle surgeries and the limping in between..... tendonitis.....arthritis... less and less activity and then resulting weight gain.... maybe its just the blame game....
also there's the self consciousness.....while i love taking classes i don't like going to the gym so to speak.... i always sort of feel people are looking at me..... i mean they probably aren't...but it doesn't make the feeling go away rationally knowing this.... but it's the same thing in the house with other people as well.... even with PT exercises.... i don't want to do them in front of other people and i don't want them to do them in front of me....... not to mention there's not a big enough open space in the house to do much anyway...
and this is sounding more and more like one of those situations where someone would retort its of my own making and if i wanted to find a way i would....
i know how long it took to figure out that i had hypersomnia.... and that was really rare... and now i manage it ..... not always well... i feel like i had the same kind of fight trying to get my first ankle fixed..... well finding the actual source of my pain..... getting it fixed surgically wasn't really an issue.... getting though the rehab to be as functional as i want to be that's a fight... and i lost only in the since that during the fight with the insurance to get me back to working order i had issues with the other ankle so fighting to get full functionality back couldn't happen as i was as functional as i was going to get without getting my other ankle fixed..... then having to wait 6 months for that for insurance.... now i have three visits left and stopped because of the pandemic..... i function well enough that going out to PT was not a life essential....
i want to be done fighting.... but i know that i am not .... not with my health physically or mentally..... not with finding a new/better/appropriate job ...... getting my own living space ..... and so on..... but i am really tired of fighting ..... dog tired of it..... and so its easy i guess to drift through each day instead of improving something.....
so i live in the constant state of I don't know ...... wouldn't it be nice to wake up one day and know something about something......