bliss
I have been thinking a lot about being happy ..... and you know people are always telling me you know ... you make your own happiness... and i dont know a whole bunch of things that are to be encouraging and that you the people who get helped are the ones that help themselves... and so on ....
and people have also said that you need to know when to ask for help ..... and i know i am really not good at that
i think i have done a reasonable job at being self sufficient .... but the thing is ... i really dont want to be .... and you know .. to not be would mean i would have to do things like oh i dunno trust people ... anyway this is digressing
what i really wanted to write about are the times i have been you know so compleatly happy i couldnt do anything to be more happy kinda things ...
like when you call someone and they answer the phone .... and you can just hear the excitement in their voice that your the one on the other end
its strange things ... like being able to argue with someone and not take it personally .....
releasing a hawk while i was the wildlife center was pretty awesome ....
the time where your in between sleep and awake ... where your all warm and content cause in that place between sleep and awake everything is perfect ...
its like seeing all the presents wrapped at christmas ..... i love giving gifts .... there is just something profoundly uplifting about giving someone a really good gift ..... though see ... the you know i get confused about this because i love buying the gifts.... the act of searching for something that is uniquely someone and then wrapping it up so it looks really pretty .... the thing is no matter how much they like it ... their response never seems lke how it feels to give it .... so its often dissappointing to watch them open them .... *shrugs*
like beeing greeted by molly ...... my parents puppy .... its different than other ppls dogs.... though there is something to be said for the contentment of haivng an animal fall asleep in your lap
its like the hug before you say goodbye to someone .... like after visiting .... there is just so much in that one moment ... the happy and the sad too
its falling asleep next to someone .... like while watching tv or in midst of talking ...
god having my hair played with ....
i think compleating my oil paintings ... well two of them .... i think i might be proud enough of them to frame them
screen printing ....
i like to craft and after a project is done there is a certian point of satisfaction ....
getting to see the lilacs blooming .... its so brief but really really pretty .... they dont /cant grow lilacs here in texas ..
its like getting a present out of the blue for no reason ...
i use to think ice cream ... but that has been less and less satisfying ...
ooooooo eating really well cooked scallops...... like at the sushi place two weeks ago .... divine
the smell of a campfire ......
i get excited over little things ... a lot of little thigns ... small ironies and so on .... the thing is ... i always find keeping that fleeting smile .... or feeling for longer than the moment ....
even driving ...i really enjoy it ... the kind of driving where you dont have to be any place at anytime ... and you dont have to think to hard or deal with too much traffic .... its give me a chance to let my mind unwind .....
i get excited at seeing animals in their element .... theres this kind of awe of being able to catch a glimps of them doing their thing ..... or seeing one you havent ever seen before ...
i love those ahhhh ha moments you get with students when you are teaching something and it finally clicks ...... those always felt so rare ..
late night talks with my siblings when were home ....
ooo playing show and tell after a shopping trip with my mom ...
Those few times i have felt really really put together ....... it doesnt happen often but when it all comes together it feels good
i dunno what the point of this really was ... but these are the time i know i have been the happiest that i can recall ..... i am sure there are a ton more im leaving out .....
i just have to hang on to them .. or remember them more often .... the bad sstuff happens ... and it seems so monstorous that it overshadows everything .... and it shouldnt ..... maybe ill remember to look at this and remember .... and in the long run .... who cares about those things .... they dont mean much .... if you can walk away from them ..... there are too many other things that are going on ..... and if nothing else those are the things that should be used as a reminder for change .... or something ....
i dont have to be happy all the time ... i dont have to like where im at in my life.... i dont even have to like the person i am right now .... especially if i know i can be more.... but i dont have to lie or pretend ...... because even with all that .... and as much hate i have had in my heart lately .... my life isnt bad... im not hugely in debt ... i have a roof over my head .... and food in my belly ... and my medical problems have either gone away ... or ignored them and then went away or were a figment of my imagination .... ok well not all of them ... but the ones that were in my belly .... i have a job ...... i have friends even if they are a jillion miles away ..... and i know im loved ... even if it feels like that doesnt matter it really does ..... and im thankful for it ..... i have a good family ..... and i havent gone totally insane yet .....
and people have also said that you need to know when to ask for help ..... and i know i am really not good at that
i think i have done a reasonable job at being self sufficient .... but the thing is ... i really dont want to be .... and you know .. to not be would mean i would have to do things like oh i dunno trust people ... anyway this is digressing
what i really wanted to write about are the times i have been you know so compleatly happy i couldnt do anything to be more happy kinda things ...
like when you call someone and they answer the phone .... and you can just hear the excitement in their voice that your the one on the other end
its strange things ... like being able to argue with someone and not take it personally .....
releasing a hawk while i was the wildlife center was pretty awesome ....
the time where your in between sleep and awake ... where your all warm and content cause in that place between sleep and awake everything is perfect ...
its like seeing all the presents wrapped at christmas ..... i love giving gifts .... there is just something profoundly uplifting about giving someone a really good gift ..... though see ... the you know i get confused about this because i love buying the gifts.... the act of searching for something that is uniquely someone and then wrapping it up so it looks really pretty .... the thing is no matter how much they like it ... their response never seems lke how it feels to give it .... so its often dissappointing to watch them open them .... *shrugs*
like beeing greeted by molly ...... my parents puppy .... its different than other ppls dogs.... though there is something to be said for the contentment of haivng an animal fall asleep in your lap
its like the hug before you say goodbye to someone .... like after visiting .... there is just so much in that one moment ... the happy and the sad too
its falling asleep next to someone .... like while watching tv or in midst of talking ...
god having my hair played with ....
i think compleating my oil paintings ... well two of them .... i think i might be proud enough of them to frame them
screen printing ....
i like to craft and after a project is done there is a certian point of satisfaction ....
getting to see the lilacs blooming .... its so brief but really really pretty .... they dont /cant grow lilacs here in texas ..
its like getting a present out of the blue for no reason ...
i use to think ice cream ... but that has been less and less satisfying ...
ooooooo eating really well cooked scallops...... like at the sushi place two weeks ago .... divine
the smell of a campfire ......
i get excited over little things ... a lot of little thigns ... small ironies and so on .... the thing is ... i always find keeping that fleeting smile .... or feeling for longer than the moment ....
even driving ...i really enjoy it ... the kind of driving where you dont have to be any place at anytime ... and you dont have to think to hard or deal with too much traffic .... its give me a chance to let my mind unwind .....
i get excited at seeing animals in their element .... theres this kind of awe of being able to catch a glimps of them doing their thing ..... or seeing one you havent ever seen before ...
i love those ahhhh ha moments you get with students when you are teaching something and it finally clicks ...... those always felt so rare ..
late night talks with my siblings when were home ....
ooo playing show and tell after a shopping trip with my mom ...
Those few times i have felt really really put together ....... it doesnt happen often but when it all comes together it feels good
i dunno what the point of this really was ... but these are the time i know i have been the happiest that i can recall ..... i am sure there are a ton more im leaving out .....
i just have to hang on to them .. or remember them more often .... the bad sstuff happens ... and it seems so monstorous that it overshadows everything .... and it shouldnt ..... maybe ill remember to look at this and remember .... and in the long run .... who cares about those things .... they dont mean much .... if you can walk away from them ..... there are too many other things that are going on ..... and if nothing else those are the things that should be used as a reminder for change .... or something ....
i dont have to be happy all the time ... i dont have to like where im at in my life.... i dont even have to like the person i am right now .... especially if i know i can be more.... but i dont have to lie or pretend ...... because even with all that .... and as much hate i have had in my heart lately .... my life isnt bad... im not hugely in debt ... i have a roof over my head .... and food in my belly ... and my medical problems have either gone away ... or ignored them and then went away or were a figment of my imagination .... ok well not all of them ... but the ones that were in my belly .... i have a job ...... i have friends even if they are a jillion miles away ..... and i know im loved ... even if it feels like that doesnt matter it really does ..... and im thankful for it ..... i have a good family ..... and i havent gone totally insane yet .....