Anxiety-Induced Insomnia
Ugh. I can't sleep anymore. I suspected this would happen because I woke myself up shortly after drifting off. I'm afraid to go to sleep. So my mind panics, wakes me up for a little bit, and then I drift off. But, around 2am - 3am my mind will experience racing thoughts. They usually keep me up for about an hour and half. Tonight's are particularly bad though.
Partly because I watched/read a Japanese series called "Ghost Hunt." So, so stupid. It's a decent enough series (well, tropes aside). But, why would someone with anxiety throw that kind of craziness at themselves?! It's not part of my racing thoughts, but I think I'm also upset about returning to work after vacation. My job hasn't been one of my favorite things in a looooong time. The short of it is that a co-worker micro-manages me because he's sales, I'm support. My bosses tell me I'm incredibly competent, well-received by our clients, and trust me to do my job with less oversight. The aforementioned co-worker compliments me, but my job just feels like I'm his secretary.
Imagine being hired as a graphic designer. Most of the staff trusts your judgment and wants to see what you produce. Except there's one guy, who is definitely not a graphic designer, who tells you how to do your job. Even if everyone else agrees that your work is better maybe he makes enough money to override your opinion. You're not introduced as a designer to outside parties. Your job isn't graphic designer anymore so much as automaton to move the mouse in Photoshop.
Didn't expect to write that much. I really hate my job now. What makes it worse is both bosses have told me I'm underpaid. Our parent company hasn't really approved me for a meaningful bump. I'm commissioned and that means it's dependent on sales and renewals. Unlike the sales guys, who might not work with the client as much as me, my commission rate is abysmal. The only raise I got for my hard work was a complex set of criteria I personally have no influence over.
I didn't care until I got slammed with backing up other people. I didn't care until I got micro-managed. Now though, I want to be paid more. Especially since any attempts at intervention with the co-worker hasn't resolved things. And now... AUGH. A day back and full of emails and I'll have maybe 3 hours of sleep.
To pass the night watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or playing the songs. And applying for jobs. And wondering what is the meaning of life.
For example, everyone's saying that we shouldn't waste our time or life doing something that isn't fulfilling or challenging. But, I don't know what I want to do anymore. Art was attractive until I went through my degree program. One professor felt strongly that I could make it as an illustrator, the other just... ignored me? I know she once sat with a table full of us students, one at a time, going over sketches for a project. When it came my turn she made a sigh of sorts and then walked away for a bit. I was the last person and I could see everyone else was as surprised as I was about it. That was early on in those classes. I felt like she was always dismissive and rather than provide some help in how to get better she decided not to bother.
Anxiety disarmed. No sleep though.
Partly because I watched/read a Japanese series called "Ghost Hunt." So, so stupid. It's a decent enough series (well, tropes aside). But, why would someone with anxiety throw that kind of craziness at themselves?! It's not part of my racing thoughts, but I think I'm also upset about returning to work after vacation. My job hasn't been one of my favorite things in a looooong time. The short of it is that a co-worker micro-manages me because he's sales, I'm support. My bosses tell me I'm incredibly competent, well-received by our clients, and trust me to do my job with less oversight. The aforementioned co-worker compliments me, but my job just feels like I'm his secretary.
Imagine being hired as a graphic designer. Most of the staff trusts your judgment and wants to see what you produce. Except there's one guy, who is definitely not a graphic designer, who tells you how to do your job. Even if everyone else agrees that your work is better maybe he makes enough money to override your opinion. You're not introduced as a designer to outside parties. Your job isn't graphic designer anymore so much as automaton to move the mouse in Photoshop.
Didn't expect to write that much. I really hate my job now. What makes it worse is both bosses have told me I'm underpaid. Our parent company hasn't really approved me for a meaningful bump. I'm commissioned and that means it's dependent on sales and renewals. Unlike the sales guys, who might not work with the client as much as me, my commission rate is abysmal. The only raise I got for my hard work was a complex set of criteria I personally have no influence over.
I didn't care until I got slammed with backing up other people. I didn't care until I got micro-managed. Now though, I want to be paid more. Especially since any attempts at intervention with the co-worker hasn't resolved things. And now... AUGH. A day back and full of emails and I'll have maybe 3 hours of sleep.
To pass the night watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic or playing the songs. And applying for jobs. And wondering what is the meaning of life.
For example, everyone's saying that we shouldn't waste our time or life doing something that isn't fulfilling or challenging. But, I don't know what I want to do anymore. Art was attractive until I went through my degree program. One professor felt strongly that I could make it as an illustrator, the other just... ignored me? I know she once sat with a table full of us students, one at a time, going over sketches for a project. When it came my turn she made a sigh of sorts and then walked away for a bit. I was the last person and I could see everyone else was as surprised as I was about it. That was early on in those classes. I felt like she was always dismissive and rather than provide some help in how to get better she decided not to bother.
Anxiety disarmed. No sleep though.