"I ain't no freakin' monument to justice! I lost my hand!"
That's part of what is hands down one of my favorite movie quotes ever. The rest goes like this "I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?"
Since November I haven’t been able to sleep well. Most nights I sleep but there are nightmares. Sometimes they take place in this beautiful hanger where planes are dolled up like Las Vegas showgirls and there’s a statue trying very hard to pretend I don’t exist. Other times I’m screaming and shaking my friend while he’s screaming and shaking me. We both just shout mean (and ridiculous) things at each other constantly trying to top the insult the other dealt. The worst I had months ago before any of this and now it's repetitive. I only recently found the first chronicle written on my sketchpad. We’re falling through the sky after driving off a cliff at insane speeds. I’m excited by the challenge and confident that I can fly but he’s terrified that we’ll die. His fear is so great that he starts to confine and strangle me in panic. I know I could kick free, but I don't want to see him hurt so I take pity, grab hold and roll under to protect him. As we hit the ground I burst into a swell of wind and he walks on.
About a month ago I had a five year plan. I had budgeted, investigated investments, made arrangements for my career and knew exactly what I was going to do. It can never be said I am unprepared. After everything is said and done I looked at it thinking what a waste of mental energy. But in the nights when the nightmares wake me up there’s this voice that’s almost separate from me talking me through what hurts. She’s always blunt, honest and direct telling me how things are and what I don’t really want. So I’ve started to go listen carefully and put some of these things to action.
For example I’ve already put into savings 15% of my gross income in three months. One restless night I researched investing and made the jump. It’s not much especially with this market, but I should have time. Another night I sat up sending out resumes as the voice told me I did not want to go into law. Just as simple as that. Yes, I loved my job now and the field, but it wasn’t what I wanted. Now tucked away in my backpack is a business plan (finances, organizational charts, contacts, procedures, needed supplies, costs, etc!) for my own studio. My garage is halfway finished to being a studio work space. There are applications for MBA schools on my computer and frantic scribblings of courses and semester plans. I wake up knowing I did these things but when I see it it’s all foreign to me.
There’s only one thing the voice never talks about.
I tried hard not to think much. There’s no point because there is no one to listen and I don’t doubt most people would say I’m better off. In all respects. Fuck that. That was my best friend no matter what people want to rewrite things as. Other people said it and he even said it himself. Right now the hurt isn’t like an open wound but the sense that I’m missing a piece of myself or my history. Sometimes when there’s a stimulus I wait for the words to hit my heart but it just going forever like a pebble in a canyon. Whenever it lands I can barely hear it. It’s too deep.
Today was a shit day. It started with my head counsel berating me for not bringing back a task yesterday even though he was in a teleconference until I left that evening. Then an e-mail from someone I assumed had also burned his end of the bridge. The weirdest thing is it was creeping into my mind the past week. Ever since things calmed down I started to feel guilty for losing my patience like I did. There’s no regret in having out with it, but I have never lashed out like I did then. For the most part I attribute it to that empty hurt. I was trying to write down everything I was feeling to give myself some perspective and suddenly realized I never said any of that to him. I also wanted to be sure that I said everything I felt before I made a final decision. The response I didn’t read until everything was resolved (that decision thing again) and ... So yeah, surprised.
It affected me such that I ended up changing the entire team dynamic and politics. In my advantage incidentally.
I asked Mom for advice. One my instincts and fears is that it'll be a sucker-punch. A chance to be mean-spirited disguised as goodwill. Not a knock on him so much as my faith in people in general. She reasoned it was either one of two things: a chance to say good-bye on decent terms; or that if a friendship means anything to arguing parties they’ll continue to make an effort to do each other right.
So what do I want mysterious voice?
(there will be a non-Matt related, mundane update soon)
Since November I haven’t been able to sleep well. Most nights I sleep but there are nightmares. Sometimes they take place in this beautiful hanger where planes are dolled up like Las Vegas showgirls and there’s a statue trying very hard to pretend I don’t exist. Other times I’m screaming and shaking my friend while he’s screaming and shaking me. We both just shout mean (and ridiculous) things at each other constantly trying to top the insult the other dealt. The worst I had months ago before any of this and now it's repetitive. I only recently found the first chronicle written on my sketchpad. We’re falling through the sky after driving off a cliff at insane speeds. I’m excited by the challenge and confident that I can fly but he’s terrified that we’ll die. His fear is so great that he starts to confine and strangle me in panic. I know I could kick free, but I don't want to see him hurt so I take pity, grab hold and roll under to protect him. As we hit the ground I burst into a swell of wind and he walks on.
About a month ago I had a five year plan. I had budgeted, investigated investments, made arrangements for my career and knew exactly what I was going to do. It can never be said I am unprepared. After everything is said and done I looked at it thinking what a waste of mental energy. But in the nights when the nightmares wake me up there’s this voice that’s almost separate from me talking me through what hurts. She’s always blunt, honest and direct telling me how things are and what I don’t really want. So I’ve started to go listen carefully and put some of these things to action.
For example I’ve already put into savings 15% of my gross income in three months. One restless night I researched investing and made the jump. It’s not much especially with this market, but I should have time. Another night I sat up sending out resumes as the voice told me I did not want to go into law. Just as simple as that. Yes, I loved my job now and the field, but it wasn’t what I wanted. Now tucked away in my backpack is a business plan (finances, organizational charts, contacts, procedures, needed supplies, costs, etc!) for my own studio. My garage is halfway finished to being a studio work space. There are applications for MBA schools on my computer and frantic scribblings of courses and semester plans. I wake up knowing I did these things but when I see it it’s all foreign to me.
There’s only one thing the voice never talks about.
I tried hard not to think much. There’s no point because there is no one to listen and I don’t doubt most people would say I’m better off. In all respects. Fuck that. That was my best friend no matter what people want to rewrite things as. Other people said it and he even said it himself. Right now the hurt isn’t like an open wound but the sense that I’m missing a piece of myself or my history. Sometimes when there’s a stimulus I wait for the words to hit my heart but it just going forever like a pebble in a canyon. Whenever it lands I can barely hear it. It’s too deep.
Today was a shit day. It started with my head counsel berating me for not bringing back a task yesterday even though he was in a teleconference until I left that evening. Then an e-mail from someone I assumed had also burned his end of the bridge. The weirdest thing is it was creeping into my mind the past week. Ever since things calmed down I started to feel guilty for losing my patience like I did. There’s no regret in having out with it, but I have never lashed out like I did then. For the most part I attribute it to that empty hurt. I was trying to write down everything I was feeling to give myself some perspective and suddenly realized I never said any of that to him. I also wanted to be sure that I said everything I felt before I made a final decision. The response I didn’t read until everything was resolved (that decision thing again) and ... So yeah, surprised.
It affected me such that I ended up changing the entire team dynamic and politics. In my advantage incidentally.
I asked Mom for advice. One my instincts and fears is that it'll be a sucker-punch. A chance to be mean-spirited disguised as goodwill. Not a knock on him so much as my faith in people in general. She reasoned it was either one of two things: a chance to say good-bye on decent terms; or that if a friendship means anything to arguing parties they’ll continue to make an effort to do each other right.
So what do I want mysterious voice?
(there will be a non-Matt related, mundane update soon)