Been Some Time.
So it seems I'm constantly nervous, as I have this tightness in my chest that won't go away. Stems from many things. I must declare a major this year, and I've been so stressed about that. Berea is not the same without Joel and it's driving me crazy being apart from him, and that is stressing me out. He told me that if he hadn't gone crazy yet, then neither could I. So we made a pact to stay sane while we're apart. He'll be here soon. I'm taking things, everything, one day at a time. It's soothing, really, to look at things outside yourself, then you can tell yourself to shut the fuck up and calm down. Don't panic, that's my motto for right now. Whatever happens, try not to panic. When the tightness threatens to expand to my entire body and mind, I breath slowly, and think happy thoughts. Corny, but it works. Keeping myself surrounded by people and keeping myself busy also helps. Talking to people, writing in my journal (my pen-and-paper one) helps so much. Just don't go crazy. Don't snap. Everything is sorting itself out, you're doing fine in school, you like your classes, you're surrounded by friends, your fiance will be here soon. One day at a time. So, breakdown of random events:
-Not pregnant. Makes me contemplative. Test was negative. I really didn't think it would be positive, but because of how I screwed up on my birth control when I was with Joel over the summer, I wanted to be sure. And it almost scares me to think of how much we wanted it to be positive. Joel sounded so sad when I told him it wasn't. We're not ready for children yet. We know that. We want our marriage and financial security first, but we would have welcomed this so much....
-Nervous breakdown narrowly avoided. Like I've explained, my decision to calm the fuck down has worked, for now. That's how I know my panic wasn't too serious, because I was able to willfully and consciosly calm myself down. Heavens help me if I ever do snap. One day at a time.
-I'm treasurer/ head of fundraising for ACE League this year, which gives me something else to focus on and be a part of. I only hope things go positively, because I've already decided that if things start to look likt the did last year, I'm quitting. I will not be a part of an organization I don't respect like that.
-Went out the other night to a dance party at the cafe patio, and had a suprisingly good time, dancing like the untalented white girl that I am. :-) I danced with a lot of people, and wore myself out. It made me feel so much better that I went.
-RK called me last night and left a drunken message on my voice mail telling me how much she loved me. I laughed so hard, and it really did make me feel better about certain things between us; whether she knew that I thought she didn't like me much or not, the message still made me feel better.
-Been reading some really good books lately, and currently am enmeshed in 4 - the end of a trilogy I started over the summer, the Oddyssey for class, Stephen King for good fun, and various philosphy readings. Fun fun fun. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode.
-I really need to paint my toenails. I knew everyone would care. :-)
And now, going to run to the cafe to grap a white chocolate cappuchino. Yummy.
-Not pregnant. Makes me contemplative. Test was negative. I really didn't think it would be positive, but because of how I screwed up on my birth control when I was with Joel over the summer, I wanted to be sure. And it almost scares me to think of how much we wanted it to be positive. Joel sounded so sad when I told him it wasn't. We're not ready for children yet. We know that. We want our marriage and financial security first, but we would have welcomed this so much....
-Nervous breakdown narrowly avoided. Like I've explained, my decision to calm the fuck down has worked, for now. That's how I know my panic wasn't too serious, because I was able to willfully and consciosly calm myself down. Heavens help me if I ever do snap. One day at a time.
-I'm treasurer/ head of fundraising for ACE League this year, which gives me something else to focus on and be a part of. I only hope things go positively, because I've already decided that if things start to look likt the did last year, I'm quitting. I will not be a part of an organization I don't respect like that.
-Went out the other night to a dance party at the cafe patio, and had a suprisingly good time, dancing like the untalented white girl that I am. :-) I danced with a lot of people, and wore myself out. It made me feel so much better that I went.
-RK called me last night and left a drunken message on my voice mail telling me how much she loved me. I laughed so hard, and it really did make me feel better about certain things between us; whether she knew that I thought she didn't like me much or not, the message still made me feel better.
-Been reading some really good books lately, and currently am enmeshed in 4 - the end of a trilogy I started over the summer, the Oddyssey for class, Stephen King for good fun, and various philosphy readings. Fun fun fun. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode.
-I really need to paint my toenails. I knew everyone would care. :-)
And now, going to run to the cafe to grap a white chocolate cappuchino. Yummy.