RP logs: winchesterbitch, notpenelope, wasartstudent
Sammy's just... He's still convinced that everything Dean said was right and justified and everything he said was wrong and unfair. And Dean was right but he doesn't know what else to do and he doesn't want Dean to have to keep dragging him along, like dead weight, and...
Sarah: *moves closer to Sam, one hand on his arm* You're not dead weight. Not to him, not to me, not to anybody.
Sam: *is sort of slouched over, shoulders hunched, arms folded, head down*
Cassie: *goes over by Dean, one arm halfway around his shoulders, hand in the middle of his back*
Sarah: *sighs, wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him against her* Oh baby. *kisses the top of his head* You're not dead weight. And you've not caused more damage that can be fixed. Once the pain lets up a little.
Dean: *is. holding on to... not breaking down and shaking with all his might. He can be strong. He's gotta be able to do this.*
Cassie: *just... holding him close, one hand rubbing lightly over his back* It's going to be okay. It's okay. Nothing's happened that can't be fixed. No one's broken or weak or incapable of being helped along, fixed, made stronger. And no one's going anywhere,no one's leaving anyone behind. We'll fix it, all of us together.
Sam: *is just... the guilt, the shame, the disappointment, he fucked up. he fucked up so bad and he can't fix Dean, can't fix any of this. because that's what he does, he fucks up. he runs away. he's hot-headed and hot-tempered and over thinks things and... just generally fucks up. Dean's always held the family together. Dean always saves him, and that's not fair, is it*
Dean: *quietly* Damn right nobody's leaving. *as if he could leave...*
Sam: *muttered* Maybe someone should. *like himself*
Cassie: HEY. *at Sam, but worried, not angry*
Dean: No.
Dean: *squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, then glares at Sam a bit* Fine. I'm weak. But I don't fucking want to do this on my own, dammit. Not... not without ... not without you.
Cassie: You're not.
Sam: *can't look at him. can't look at anyone* Y'better off. *mumbled*
Cassie: Oh, that's bullshit, too.
Dean: No I'm not. Never have been, even before *shrugs* never will be. And Sam... I'm sorry.
Sam: *tries to duck his head even further, if possibly, pulling away from... well, Sarah. is, if anyone can get close enough to see, crying*
Cassie: *arm tightening a little around his shoulder*
Sarah: *just moves with him, holding on to him. Slumped and looking down and... whatever else he is.* Sam...
Dean: *sighs, closes his eyes for a moment, and squeezes Cassie's arm briefly just as a warning, before getting up and sitting beside Sam* Dude. *swallows* I'm fine. We'll be alright. okay? We'll find the bitch and take her out, and then figure out what next. Freaks the hell out of me, but we'll get there.
Sam: *one hand scrubbing over his face, just.. still not looking at anyone. just... sick of himself. sick of what he's doing to everyone* Yeah. Sure. *hoarse*
Dean: *eyes meet Sarah's for a moment, then he is the one hugging Sammy close to him, fingers digging in Sam's shirt a little, just ... he's alive. he didn't kill him, holding on. Warm, alive.* I'm sorry, Sammy. *a beat, then... an attempt at... 'strong' voice, though it comes out pretty hoarse too* D'you need that cut on your neck patched up?
Sam: I'll be fine. *but... something. part of him is clinging right back, part of him is holding back because he doesn't feel he deserves to even if he's all crumpled up and burying his face in Dean's shoulder, probably forgetting that Dean will totally notice, that way, that he's crying*
Cassie: *just... watches, worrying about them both*
Dean: *well, he's not holding back. He is sort of clinging too, and has no idea what to do, and one hand is right at the back of Sam's head, and ...* you'd better be, baby bro. You'd better be. *swallows. quietly* Your hunch was right, too. Sorry I doubted you.
Sarah: *looks over at Cassie... kind of ... wide-eyed. but far be it for her to interfere now*
Sam: *sniffle choke laugh* You had all the proof. I just got lucky.
Dean: Uh-huh. All the proof spoofed by the freaking siren. Bought his crap like... *small headshake against Sam's head, can't believe how stupid he was >.>*
Sam: Don't. Okay? Just... don't. It's not your fault. It wasn't your fault.
Dean: Well it sure wasn't yours... either. *just a trifle steadier, certain* Not your fault, Sammy.
Sam: I fucked up... Dean, I fucked up bad... *freaking out. just a bit* I'm sorry...
Dean: Hey. It's alright. We both fucked up, but you know what? We'll fix what we can. You and I. *holding on to him still* To err is human and all that crap. You didn't mean it to happen, and that's what matters to me, alright?
Sam: *just... all brokey* Dean... I don't wanna do this anymore. I just want it to be over. I want Lilith dead, I don't even... I just... if she's dead, it's over, right? That's it, we're done. We can go home.
Dean: *opens his mouth and closes it, then a bit choked up* ... we do that, and it's over, kiddo. We can go home. Or... find a home. Or whatever. *annnnd now it's his turn to have a tear running down his cheek*
Sam: *is just a mess. Sam is not a pretty cryer* I don't wanna do this when I'm sixty, I just want it to be over, god, why can't they all just leave us alone? I just... I didn't... I don't... *shallow breathing* I don't want these powers. I don't. But if that stops the war, if that's what it takes to kill Lilith and end all this then, ... I just want it to be over.
Dean: *is not concerned with pretty or not pretty ((neither is Sarah, just worried >.>)), Sam's his little brother and that's all which matters* We'll kick their asses and they'll leave us alone. We'll find a way to do it, and then you won't have to be using those powers and you and everyone can forget about them. It'll be over, Sammy. We'll end it. We're ending it, and then we'll both find something else to do. Maybe we could start a garage or something. Somewhere.
Sam: *just... is quiet. for a while *
Cassie: *slips into the hallway for a second to get ice and fill them all some glasses of water*
Dean: Maybe we'll have to find a place to hide from Bobby when he decides to come kick our asses over, you know, giving it up. And that's scary.
Sam: *snort choke giggle*
Dean: *small smile, and then takes a glass of water from Cassie, nodding in thanks, and presses it into Sam's hand* Drink now. *a beat* And I'm throwing that damn flask right out. Just so that you know.
Sam: *slightly wide eyes* You think the residue could still be dangerous?
Dean: Nah. Not with the way we cleared as soon as that thing was dead.
Sam: .. oh.
Dean: Yeah. Drink up. Not as sweet as soda, but it'll do.
Sam: *snorts, but.. drinks. slowly*
Sam's still squirming in his own guilt. *glares at Nameless * SOMEONE wasn't helping, either.
what did he do?
He got out "Look at you. Going behind your brother's back like that. Daddy must be SO proud' before Pam slugged him
Which was what started the whole disappointment thing
Dean's not disappointed with him. He honestly isn't.
Dean's just... there. And ... needy. >.>
It'll take a while for Sam to start believing that.
Every time he wanted something, or cost Dean something, he's remembering it
And cringing
Dean: Like I've been a saint and not given you a load of crap of my own.
Dean: Like. A barbie?
Sam: *... tries not to crack up*
Dean: Barbie. *shakes head* and what was the other thing... Yeah. I rock. You know.
***
So how's Dean?
Mmmm. Quiet. Not terribly bad quiet, but not calm-quiet either. Just sort of... I'd have said confused, but messed up is closer?
How's Sam?
*sighs* Settled a bit, but... still... really... something
Still convinced he's inhuman, a fuckup, etc etc. Just quieter about it, I guess.
Sarah: *goes over to him, arm around his shoulders, kissing his forehead lightly*
Sam: *halfway nonresponsive, except in that his body sort of shifts to accommodate her out of habit*
Sarah: *oh, habit or not, he can use the touch. She snuggles him slightly, arm tight, holding him, not going to let him down.* You know. What you said... about after. We'll make it happen.
Sam: *drops his head even further, if that's physically possible* Yeah... yeah.
Sarah: *cups his cheek with one hand, slides it up to run her fingers through his hair up the temple, then rests her palm on the side of his face again.* For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought.
Sam: *sort of glances at her out of the corner of his eye* "And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover,
To entertain these fair well-spoken days,
I am determined to prove a villain,"
Sarah: *softly, but firmly* I've never found you amiss in being able to speak fair. Or act fair. *kissing the side of his head, and speaks close to his ear* or do good. You deserve not to be called a villain. Even by yourself.
Sam: *gets up, paces away*
Sarah: *lets him go for now, but doesn't let her hands drop or in any other way show any disappointment that he moved away - just concern, her eyes following him carefully.*
Dean: *low voice* Dude. 's alright. You didn't say anything that I haven't told myself. *tired-jerky* Kinda figures, that we're on the same page or whatever.
Sam: No, it's not alright. *pushing a hand through his hair* This isn't alright. This... *struggling for words, jaw clenched, throat tight* what I've been doing. It isn't all right. And... I'm sorry.
Dean: *opens his mouth, and closes it, eyebrows shooting up, looking at him carefully* You said... it was none of my business, and you might be right. But I know... I know you don't do it because you want to use the damned powers or whatever. You want this thing done, and I ... copy that. *a bit quietly, a bit tiredly* I just don't want you to get killed because of that. *eyes flicker upwards to indicate what he means*
Sam: I still shouldn't have been lying to you. *eyes flickering between Dean and the girls for a moment* Any of you. What I said... What I've done. The things I've done... I shouldn't have. I knew I shouldn't have, and I did it anyway. With Ruby, with... With a lot of things. *pushing a hand through his hair, looking down and away for a second*
Dean: Yeah, and I'm all squeaky clean, that way.
Sam: Dean, you try. You try to do the right thing even when it's the hard thing.
Sarah: What's done has been done for the best. Not with bad intentions. Maybe you shouldn't have, and maybe you had to. *bites her tongue, then softly* I can just hope you won't have to again, but...
Dean: Oh right, so you expect me to believe what you did was easy. Or, you know, that you did it to slaughter virgins or whatever.
Sam: I haven't done anything. Except get us into more trouble.
Dean: Now, YOU don't. Trouble runs behind us like a kid that wants to play ball, if we stood around navel-gazing, it'd find us.
Sam: Yeah. Doesn't mean I have to help it along.
Sam: Dean, if it wasn't for me we wouldn't be stuck in this.
Dean: I wouldn't bet on it. Having met our grandfather.
Sam: Neither would you. *glances at Sarah* Or... *looks down*
Sarah: *chin up. She's not reconsidering any of her decisions!*
Dean: *stands up and moves to stand before Sam, facing him* Having been down the road of what-ifs, I call bullshit. You hear me?
Sam: *stubborn Winchester is stubborn!* Yeah? Why else did Azazel kill Mom and Jess if it wasn't for me, huh?
Dean: *right back atcha... er. at him. * Yeah? Why else did he fucking found mom if it wasn't for me, huh?
Sam: He found Mom way before you went back into the past.
Dean: No. He didn't. I if I hadn't always gone back in the past, dad wouldn't have gotten the Impala. I was there. Before we were born. *clenches his jaw, eyes flickering between Sam and Cassie ... and not saying 'my fault' in words, but looking down*
Dean: If I hadn't told them where Azazel would be... *shakes head * not your fault, Sammy. That yellow-eyed bastard... *jaw clenches again* I don't think I would've believed I'd say that, but I kinda hope Alastair had a good long run with him.
Sam: ... *isn't going to think about it* *or bring up any myths or legends about Azazel* If I hadn't hooked up with Jess she'd still be alive. *quietly* So, yeah. That is my fault. I know what our family is. What we've become. What's hunted us all our lives. So, yeah. That is my fault.
Dean: No, you didn't. You thought you'd quite hunting. Dude. I fucking know you thought you were done hunting. You couldn't know he'd come back, nobody knew. *quietly* Sammy... I'm sorry. I really wish you could have been done. Hell, I thought you were. Dad acted like he thought you were. *shakes head* You didn't know. Not then. Hindsight, sure. But not then.
Sam: *flash of... well, anger. almost fury. quickly suppressed with barely a clench of fists* I should have known. I should have known better than to think I could get away from it. I can't get away from what I am.
Dean: yeah, well, you didn't then. Important pieces of information missing and all.
Sam: Yeah. Well, now I know.
Dean: Yeah. And you're not making the same mistakes. Sure, might be a brand new flavor, you ain't stupid, Sam. You're not doing the same mistakes. You may've been hiding some things and all... but the principle of the things... Generally... *small shrug* If you really really meant me not to know, you wouldn't have been careless enough for me to learn. *shakes head* It's not the same. We know more. And we're fucking trying to learn more.
Sam: *just... shaking his head slowly*
Dean: *eyes narrow* Don't you dare give up on me, Sammy. Don't you dare.
Sam: I'd never give up on you, Dean, you know that. *takes a breath* I just think... maybe it's time for a different approach.
Dean: *cocks his head* how?
Sam: I think maybe it's ... time we tried it on our own.
Dean: *blinks, eyes flickers to the girls* On our own in which way?
Cassie: *says it out loud* Oh HELL no.
Dean: *looks at her, at Sarah, whose jaw is set* And that will help... how?
Sam: *sort of.. something. twitches at Cassie's exclamation* We can work without looking over our shoulders. Without being played against each other. If the angels come around... *slight shrug* You can get more done without me around.
Dean: *adamantly* No.
Dean: *closes his eyes and turns away, because that hurt* No. Please, no.
Dean: *fists clench* If. If. you meant that bit about not giving up on me. Just take that thought and shove it out of your head.
Sam: *face starting to go wobbly* Dean... I screw things up. Okay? I screwed this one up, I let you go off on your own, hell... I thought... *looks down* I got you killed. I couldn't get you out. I'm not going to screw this up any more than I already have.
Dean: Well I got you killed first, dammit. *looks up at him* Or is that it? You don't want to be looking over your shoulder and finding me there 'cause I'm not good enough?
Sarah: Dean. Stop.
Dean: I'm the one who screws up, though. I'm the one who's not good enough. The one who doesn't hold out long enough. You don't want to look around and see me running away again. *grabs the front of Sam's shirt* No. I'll try better, dammit. I promise you, I'll try better.
Cassie: Dean...
Sam: *attempts to pry his hands off* Jesus Christ, Dean, are you nuts? Run away? Who ran away, who ran away form you, from Dad, from everything, for YEARS. Who was it who fucked up and turned his back on the guy with the knife? Okay? Who was ... *swallows* If I hadn't been a dumbass, I wouldn't have gotten you into this. If I had shot the goddamn demon in the fucking bedroom....
Cassie: Goddammit, Sam...
Sam: You've always been the natural born hunter, okay? You were always the one who knew ... what to do, how to do it.
Dean: You wanted normal. You wanted to be somebody. Neither dad or I seemed to care about that. That's not running away. *swallows bites his lip... lets go of Sam's shirt but grips his shoulders* No, Sam. You're not going to go out there and leave me behind. Not if I can do anything about it. Sorry, suggestion not acceptable. Come up with a better one. One that works. *his voice? graveling. His face? All screwed up. But he's. Not. Letting. GO.*
Dean: And I don't always know what to do. Wasn't born to this. Just opted in. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know.
Sam: You didn't opt in. Dad raised us to this. But you fit. I don't.
Dean: *shakes his head* I was fumbling and didn't know if I wanted to do it for ever. Up until I was sixteen and decided it was being a hero. *snorts, looks away*
Sam: *sort of... taking a step back, though it puts him up against the window*
Cassie: *goes gets her gun out of her bag (to shoot tires of the cars so Sam cannot drive away*
Sam: You can get this done. I'd just get us all killed. *short laugh* Apparently that's what I do. Get people killed. Let the bad guy go.
Dean: No you don't, you dumbass. *quietly, but staying close, angling to be between Sam and the door, just in case* No, you don't. And ... Sammy. Please. I don't want to do this on my own. *yes, he knows the girls are there and all. But it's... Sam. And it's different. The same 'don't want to' that was there when he asked him to come help him looking for John. Just... pleading. Or begging. Or admitting.* I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. You're the one good at figuring things out. I need you.
Sam: *small, sad, largely self-hating smile* You don't need me. You did fine on your own.
Sam: You did better before I came along again.
Dean: Yeah? When?
Dean: I had dad then.
Sam: Now you got the girls. You got Bobby.
Cassie: *is so out the door*
Dean: Still. No.
Dean: *shaking his head sideways, eyes... wide and so hurt* Please, Sammy. No. We stay together.
Cassie: *... thinks better of it, knifes the tires open instead*
Sarah: You're not going anywhere on your own.
Sam: *eyes ... well, yeah. red and.. he still thinks this is the right thing to do. or.. something* I'll just get you killed. I don't want to do that. Please... don't... ask me to do that again.
Dean: And you think I'll do all that well without you stopping my rushing in and out of places, or hauling my ass out of burning houses and such? *shakes head* No, Sammy. *moves and holds his shoulders again* You're not gonna get me killed. I'm not gonna get you killed. We'll figure it out. I know it's hard right now to do it, but trust me a little, ok?
Sam: You're the one who drags me out of burning houses, remember? I'm the one who gets stuck in them...
Cassie: No one's going anywhere.
Dean: Nah, I reckon we go fifty-fifty. I've gotten my head knocked out a few times when you dragged me out too.
Sarah: *moves closer, stands besides Dean* Sam. Come off it. It won't work - you can argue till you're blue in the face, and none of us will come closer to believing we're better off without you. Or separate. *firmly* No.
Sam: *looks very directly at her* I can't... watch someone else I love die again. I won't. I won't get anyone else killed.
Cassie: That's bullshit and you know it. You leave now, that's tantamount to getting ... you know Dean'll go and do something stupid and get himself killed. And then I'll have to hunt you down and kick your ass for it.
Sarah: You won't. We are better together, and we won't get any of us killed.
Sam: Sarah... *is starting to run out of arguments, though*
Sarah: *small headshake* No, baby. Think of a better plan. One that actually involves, you know, something that will work. *steps in around Dean and slips her arms up around his neck, lightly, but warmly* You're staying with us. You know how things work with us better too. It's better for you, and it's better for us, so.
Sam: *just.. out of arguments,bowing his head*
Cassie: *one hand light on Dean's back, sliding up to curl tight around his shoulder, worried as hell*
Sarah: *one hand behind the back of his head, draws him for a closer hug* We'll make it right, Sam. You, and Dean, and Cassie, and I. And we'll kick the asses of those demons and then we can settle. And you'll know your job's well done, and you'll know we're all safer. Stay with us and make it possible. We had the discussion about getting people killed, way back when. I didn't believe it then, and I don't believe it now. And I'm here, and you aren't going to get rid of any of us quite that easily. *arms tighten* And that's a good thing. You'll see.
Dean: *tense. clenched. worried. hovering close to Sarah and Sam still. upset and... needy. And so, so uncertain he's doing anything right or ever has. But. There.*
Cassie: *sliding an arm around his waist, just... there, if he needs her*
Sam: *just sort of... leans back, head thunking lightly against the wall. but stops trying to move away*
Sarah: *small headshake and doesn't press further, but... doesn't move away either.*
***
Continued from here.
Dean: *eventually steps closer to Sam, and grabs his shirt again, pressing him / straightening him up a little against the wall* Sam. You're not going away. I'm not going to do anything reckless. It'll be bloody ok, dammit. *jaw clenches * Please tell me you won't take off on your own. *lets up the pressure, palms against his shirt* Please.
Sam: *probably would, if he could force words past the tight, swollen throat and the tears abruptly now forced into pouring down his cheeks. does that mouth wobbly thing*
Dean: *sighs, pulls him into a hug. Tight. Strong.*
Sam: *fingers literally digging in at his shoulders, clinging... exactly like he did that first time after Hell, just... scared and confused, and hurting and so so terrified of fucking it up, that he's fucked it up, to the point of, yes, wanting to run the hell away before he sees anyone die. Dean dying. AGAIN. for the..* *mutters* hundred and twenty second.
Dean: *blinks against his shoulder, but registers... and his arms tighten yet more* Not gonna happen. Not me. Not you. Not them. We're gonna make it, Sammy. This, we're gonna make through.
Sam: I can't do that again, Dean. I can't... Lilith, and the Trickster,and... I can't. I can't.
Dean: I know, Sammy. It won't happen. It won't. Not Lilith, not the Trickster, not the fucking junkless boys, not any damn ghost. We're in together and we're staying together. *arms tighter, yet* I'm here. You're here. That's the way it's stayin'.
Sam: *small nod*
Dean: *small nod too. Pulls Sam away from the wall, back to a seat. Staying damn close to him. Mostly out of words, but... out of capacity to move far away as well. Just doesn't want his baby brother pressed against a wall, cornered, without choices. If - if only he could. He'd give him anything. He'd give him peace and a home. As soon as he can.* We'll make it home, Sammy. As soon as we can. Promise.
Sam: we don't have a home, Dean.
(("we don't have a home because it burned down because i was a demon baby." which is only semi-rational. The first part of it ))
Dean: Yet.
Sam: *faint, wobbly, crooked smile*
Dean: *quietly, but kinda looking sideways from under his brows* I hit thirty. Maybe it's time your big brother started thinking about settling or something. *swallows* At least lookin' at the options.
Cassie: *does NOT whip her head around to stare at him, really*
Sam: *swallows. takes a couple of breaths. swallows again, turns it around in his mind for a second, then glances over at him* Make an honest woman of poor Cassie?
Dean: Nah, I think that's a lost cause since the moment she met me.
Cassie: *stares at Sam, instead*
Dean: *deeper breath*
Cassie: *eyes Dean*
Dean: *... kinda more seriously* ... *... and actually can't come up with anything to say right now. Maybe just as well. But he means that. If... when they make it through the damn war... he'll consider it. Seriously.*
Cassie: *just.. staring*
Dean: *not... moving away from Sam, but finally registers and blinks up at her * What?
Cassie: *mouth opens, but nothing...* ... I'm not sure.
Sam: *biting tongue here, almost... grinning?*
Dean: What? Don't wanna give up the glamorous life of saltin' and burnin' bones while their owner's tryin' to kick your ass?
Cassie: *faint, real smile* I wasn't sure you wanted to.
Dean: *small shrug* I... dunno. Maybe if we do save the world... that'd ... balance things out a bit, for what I did. *but right now, he actually doesn't care. If that's what Sam wants...*
Cassie: *face... stilling. a bit, touches his shoulder briefly* Let's finish this war first. Then we'll see.
Dean: *nods* We will.
Cassie: *nods, slight smile, heads back to put her gun away and clean it*
Sarah: *her turn to pass around iced water. leaves the glasses on the table to hug Cassie briefly around the shoulders when she gives her hers. Then moves to the boys and makes sure both of them have their hands firmly around the glasses.*
Cassie: *smiles slightly at Sarah, murmurs* I'm... I think I'm gonna go for a walk. You gonna be okay with *tweedles* dumb and dumber here? *with deep affection, really, but come on*
Sarah: I think so. Unless you want company?
Cassie: Nah, I'll be okay. Thanks.
Sarah: *small nod, hand on her arm squeezing tightly* Stay safe?
Dean: *looks over at that.* Going out?
Cassie: *nods slightly* I will. *over to Dean* Yeah... figured I'd.. y'know. Get some air or something. take a walk.
Dean: *blinks.* I... *nods, quiet voice, just...* Yeah. Be careful.
Sam: *elbows him in the ribs. hard*
Cassie: *nods* I will.
Dean: *eyes Sam, wondering if it's safe to leave him alone... but.* Well, that was a delicate clue-by-four. *small headshake, stands up* D'you... wanna be on your own, or...
Cassie: *was actually in the doorway, a bit... startled. glances between him and Sam* Uh... no. I don't mind. If... *shrug*
Dean: *tiny nod... * Right. *grips Sam's shoulder then moves to pick up his jacket and join her. Partly... automatic movements, but... not just.*
Cassie: *waits, still sort of.. holding herself carefully. like she isn't sure where it hurts when she moves where*
Dean: *walks over, and would hold the door for her if she'll let him. Just... walks beside her. Tense. tangled up. confused. guilty. But he does keep an eye on her, and part of him... does notice her holding together. Just for the moment, doesn't know what to say.*
Sam: *waits till they're out the door and down a bit before dropping his head into his hands with an explosive sigh*
Sarah: *comes over, doesn't... sit by him yet, not unless he indicates it, but just... fingers light on his hair. Caressing. Wordlessly*
Cassie: *just... walks. keeping pace with him, though, and not moving far away at all. bare inches between them. but just sort of.. walking. turning things over in her head. hands in her pockets*
Dean: *walking by her side. Watches the expression on her face. The familiar way her body moves.* ... I ... messed up again. Didn't I.
Cassie: *glances over at him, tired.. smile* We all messed up, hon.
Dean: *blinks at her* I... don't... think you've done anything ... that wasn't good.
(Sam: *is just.. going to stay that way. for maybe ten, fifteen minutes* )
Cassie: *thinks of the cars, snorts, smiles a little though, shakes her head*
(Sarah: *will not leave him without... physical reassurance, no matter how long he does. Touch. If she needs to move away for a moment, will be talking nonsense in his direction. Just... always, something for him to anchor to.* )
Dean: *frowns a bit, shakes his head, walks a bit more. lightbulb moment* Um. Maybe I should've... discussed plans of... settling with you... beforehand? Much as they are plans... *which... they aren't... yet. He said he'd look at the options...*
Cassie: *glances at him, faint smile* *starts to say something, stops*
Dean: Hmm?
Cassie: *small smile * If... I ... I don't have any plans right now. For the immediate future or otherwise. I don't mind.
Dean: *swallows, nods. Looks at where he's going for a bit - with the habitual look-around, but that doesn't even register.* ... I don't have the faintest idea what I'm doing. I try to... I dunno. *shakes his head* doesn't matter. That would be good, if or when it could happen.
Cassie: *glances at him* It matters.
(Sam: ... How bad did I fuck up. This time. )
Dean: *closes his eyes for a moment, but ... never. could. lie. to her.* I try to hold together but it isn't working, Cassie. He's right, I waste time feeling sorry for myself, feeling guilty, just not being able to fix things. And I don't know how to change that. *quietly* And I try.
Cassie: *stops, taking her hand out of her pocket and tucking it into his hand* Well. ... *but she can't think of anything to follow that up with*
(Sarah: I think it's too soon to tell even if you did. *softly* It hurts, but when the image clears... It might even turn out... ok. *and she means that. It's just unclear still.* )
Dean: *looks down on her, squeezes her hand a bit* *a beat, then he looks ahead and... adds.* And I almost killed him. If Bobby had been just moments late... *shudders* I'm supposed to ... take care of people. Of him. And I just end up... you know. *blinks... maybe, just maybe blinking back tears, but he won't cry, he will try to be strong. He has to be strong, right? If he weren't as weak, he might not even have drunk from that flask and let the damn thing take over ...*
Cassie: *slides her other arm around his waist* *quietly* You do take care of him. You take care of us all. You hold us together, keep us moving. Like just now. You held us together.
Dean: *opens his mouth to... say something, possibly to protest, but just... doesn't. Carefully one arm goes around her shoulders.* Cassie... what did I get you into? How... is it.. how does it look from your side of things?
Cassie: *deeeeep breath. lets it out slow* Honestly... how does it look. It looks... very far away. Sometimes I dont' know if I'll ... *swallows, awkward* It seems like this is very much an outsider's opinion. But it also seems like the only thing stopping you two is communication or.. something. You both love each other even if you're totally guys about it. *snorts, very small smile* You're incredibly protective. And you work together... better than any team I've ever seen. It's when you actually have to talk about anything that you trip over yourselves.
Dean: *blinks* That seems kinda similar to something you pointed out about... us. Once. *arm around her shoulder... holding on. Maybe a little tighter, if it can be felt through her jacket* *quieter* I ... you're not that much of an outsider. *breath out* Talking, huh? *small lips twitch, not too humorous, but...* Mind you, for all we're both... both different from him, we were raised by the guy who could get one of his best friends seriously want to fill his backside with real rounds... chasing him with the shotgun and everything. Mostly he could get there by talking.
Cassie: *slight smile* I remember your father. He was ... very protective, of you. *leaning into him just a little bit, though. still holding herself defensive and gingerly, fragile. but leaning into him anyway* No, I'm not sure any of us... well, maybe Sarah. Does well in the open verbal communication area. But we're learning. That's the important thing.
Dean: *closes his eyes, but his arm settles more comfortably around her as she leans closer* I... yeah. Protective. *small jawclench* He... *walks a few steps in silence, then* I always did think I'm... strong and... working to keep people safe and all. But obviously everybody who knew me enough... was protective of me. Is. *which, to his mind... right now flips him right back to 'not good enough'* *deep breath, looks at her, and shakes himself a little, his arm slipping down to hold her better, more... usual-like* I'm sorry. I think you knew I'm an idiot and nuts to boot since you were in college...
Cassie: *sliding an arm around his waist, now, settling into him slightly* I thought you were nuts because you told me things existed that most people don't believe in anymore. Then my father was killed by a ghost truck and... denial wasn't really an option. *quietly, then* I never thought you were an idiot. I think you can act like an idiot sometimes, which isn't the same thing and it's really infuriating when I know you know better. But I never thought of you as an idiot.
Dean: I'm... *sighs* Thanks. Am I acting like an idiot now?
Cassie: ... No. I don't think so.
Dean: *tightens his arm a little briefly, in an I-heard-you gesture. Deep breath* But?
Cassie: *looks down, not quite sure how to say it* I do... think you're too scared of ... *looks back up at him* I'm worried about you.
Dean: Too scared of? *just... wants to know what she sees. Feels like his sight has gotten lost somewhere. Small sigh* If I say 'I'm sorry', how hard will you kick my ass?
Cassie: *small, tired smile, balls up a fist and taps it on his shoulder* Pow. There.
Dean: *small flicker of a smile at that. Then stops them for a moment, and leans in to kiss her. Just... for no reason at all. But that it's her.*
Cassie: *eyes widen in actual surprise at that. but she kisses him back, because it's him, and after all this... she does love him. and he can still make her feel... better.*
Dean: *he'd better be able to make her feel better, since he's the one making her feel worse in the first place... Eventually, hugs her again for walking, and when she's ready, starts off again* So. What do you think might help with that... worry bit?
Cassie: *sad smile* Take less on yourself? Not that you will... *takes a breath* Talk to us. Don't worry so much about failing us, and talk to us? I mean. *snorts* I know I'm not the poster child for talking about issues constructively, but... we don't always know what's going on inside that head of yours. And we can't help you unless you let us. And ... we do want to help. We don't want you to take care of us, we all want to take care of each other. And we should.
Dean: *opens his mouth. Closes it.* I... bad habits. You know by now how most people are when one talks too much. Or even enough. *sighs* and, you know. The guy way. *a beat* I think half the time I don't even know what's going on inside this head of mine. *looks down, nods* but... I'll... try. *lips twitch* I'm either too transparent or too... opaque, I guess.
Cassie: *slight smile* Stoic. The word is stoic. Stoic and manly.
Dean: Umm... *eyebrows rise * Right. *stops mun from giving him a joke about being more an epicure than stoic... most of the time* *blandly* I like the way you say manly. Just sayin'.
Cassie: *laughs... and almost stops when it sounds strange, just... that he makes her laugh. even now* What am I going to do with you?
Dean: ... what do you want to do with me?
Cassie: ... make it better?
Dean: I think we'll have to work on that for a while for an overall result, but... *quietly* you are, too.
Cassie: *again, surprised, and this time she isn't sure what to say* Oh.
Dean: *lips twitch* And now, to spoil the effect... I wish I could offer more in exchange for it? *partly ironic...*
(Sarah: *finally does settle beside Sam, one leg tucked under her, and hands him a soda. Smiling a bit* I think it's time you got a blood sugar up without having to think too much about it.)
(Sam: *very tiny smile at her * Thanks...)
Cassie: *one hand just lightly moving back and forth along his shoulder* Why? Don't... you believe you're enough?
(Sarah: *small smile back* You're welcome. Let me know if you grow hungry or something, hmm?)
Dean: I... *bites his lip* Maybe not. Not like I don't come with... not strings attached but... a whole... ball of yarn and all. *lips twitch* or, you know. A river of yarn.
Cassie: I just... wanted to be with you, Dean. Strings, no strings. Whatever. No more hiding. No games or anything.
Dean: *breath as deep as to be almost a sigh* 'm not playing games. Not with you. Well, unless we hustle pool together... *trails off* I know. I wanna be with you too. I do. Like I've never wanted to be with anybody else.
Cassie: *eyes watering. she doesn't like this, she doesn't want him to think she's upset* I... really? It... *swallows, words. fumbling*
Dean: *breathes out... half a snort, at himself, arm tightens around her* Really. *a beat, screws up his face* that doesn't make me any better or more experience, though. Just... you know. Trying.
Cassie: *small laugh* You can be very trying. *teasing little poke at his ribs* I don't want you to be better. I don't even need you to be better. You make things better just by being the way you are.
Dean: *swallows himself now, nods. This... touched him.* I'm... thank you.
Cassie: *smiles, tinge of sad, but..* You're welcome. And it's true. ... *flash of ... well, as much desperation as inspiration* My Mom told me once that she knew she was in love with my father, because he could make her feel more like... herself. Because he could make things better just by being around. These past few months, I've been starting to realize how true that is.
Dean: *slow nod, leans to kiss the top of her head as they're walking* That is good. I... at times, you make me feel more like... how I used to be, before.*... bites tongue, and decides to follow her advice from not too much earlier* I'm not sure that making me feel like myself as I am now is the best of compliments I could give, though. Not in the last place because I'm not fully sure I know what I'm like now.
Cassie: Well, I guess right now we could either let you figure it out, or.. we could all tell you what you seem like to us and you could see what sticks?
Dean: *walks for a bit quietly, then sighs* Only if y'all throw away that 'protective' stuff out the door. And that won't... building one's self-image based on other people's images doesn't seem like the best of plans in the long haul... but it's a start.
Cassie: *slight smile* Okay. No protective. *thinks*
Dean: *slow nod*
Cassie: ... When I first met you, you seemed... *slight smile* To be honest, you seemed like a lot of guys in that bar. But, also... you didn't seem like them, too. Like you were just in it for the fun of it. And you were sweet. Nice. I had fun hanging around with you. And... we hung out, and ... *drags herself back on topic* I got to know you better. You seemed really smart, clever. Thinking quick on your feet. You seemed... really serious a lot of the time, even under the jokes. The second time you came around... actually, even now. The jokes seem... less like jokes, anymore.
Dean: ... oh. *swallows, nods* I don't know rightly know which is... funny and which is hurtful anymore, sometimes. I guess that shows up in the jokes. *a beat* No, not like I find hurting... funny. Just that... *shrugs* I don't always know which way it will go, and it goes halfway between, and, as you said. Not rightfully a joke.
Cassie: You worry about a lot of things, and they just keep on building up, and you don't let go of any of them. even the ones that have gone past. It seems like you hold onto a lot of things you can't change and use them as reasons or excuses why things won't ever change.
Dean: *winces, sighs* ... yeah. I sure hope I'm wrong about that last bit.
Cassie: We changed. We made it work anyway.
Dean: Yeah, that's because you're totally awesome, you know.
Cassie: I was the one who said we weren't going to work out, remember? I changed my mind about that. You changed your mind about it being too dangerous to be with someone. We both changed a little, and ... we're making it work.
Dean: *small sigh, and his arm tightens around her a bit, about the first bit* I... not so much that I changed my mind as I realized it wasn't my choice to make... alone.
Cassie: *snuggles into him* I'm glad about that. I'm glad I changed my mind, too.
Dean: *sighs, but... easier* Oh I am too. Very glad you changed your mind.
Cassie: *holds him close, for the next part* For a while there... even after we met up in Vegas. And still, now, sometimes... you and your family... you're all so close. It feels like... felt like, mostly then... there was always going to be another mission. Or something to do with Sam, or your Father. *looks up at him* I know how important he is to you. And you are to him, but sometimes... it seems like it makes a wall. Feels like, anyway.
Dean: *small sigh, and silent for a bit* I've never... there's never been anybody but my family, for a very long time. Dad, Sammy, me, and the jobs. All of my life... almost all, after I was almost five or so. *a beat, deeeeep breath* All of my life up here anyway.
Cassie: I know. *hugs him tight* I know. I'm getting used to it. Both parts. *adding, meaning that second bit is indeed something she noticed*
Dean: *quietly* 'm sorry that you have to. I... don't... I need Sam, and he... I think he needs me too. And I let him down once already, big time. Not to mention the bit that led to it, or... *shrugs* stuff like that axe? Wasn't me fully in control, I know, but still, it was my hand wielding it.
Cassie: *turns/shifts to take him more fully into his arms, more stable, more able to stand and hold him* I know, babe. I know. We'll make it right.
Dean: *nods, hugging her tight* Yeah... Yes. *swallows* I don't know how yet, but... *nods* yes. Thank you.
Cassie: We'll figure it out. *small smile, hugging him tightly back*
Dean: *nods, holding her tight all up until she lets go, then kissing her forehead* Fresh air helping?
Cassie: *teasing little smile* The company might have something to do with it, too.
Dean: *lips tug up a bit* Good. I'd hate to see you disappointed in the company.
Cassie: *smiles* Never happen.
Dean: *mouth half-open for an indrawn breath, then kind of... wondering smile. But smile.*
Cassie: *smiles back, relieved, delighted... content*
Continued here.