(no subject)
Umm haven't updated in a while and for me, bordem = rambling so here it is!
A lotttttt of stuff has been going on, some bad but for the most part good. I have been realizing a lot about myself these past couple of months. Up until recently I never thought of myself as a jealous person or someone that worries in a relationship but guess what kids!? WRONGGGGGGGG! I am very much both types of people and basically it has been driving me insane. Little things that shouldn bother me bother me to no end and make me question my relationships and as for the things that SHOULD bother me well, as you can imagine it's like the end of the world when they come up. I have also realized that I am probably not going to be happy in a relationship ever in my life. Being the kind of person I am if I love someone then that's it. I love them completely, with all my heart and soul and sometimes when I can't be around them it not only emotionally hurts but physically as well. Most would think this is a good way to live your life, as a caring and loving person and I guess it is in certain ways but I have a feeling I am always going to be let down. I don't think that in my life I will ever find a person that loves and cares for me in the same way or as much as I love and care for them, and that thought makes me really angry/depressed/nervous....all that good stuff. It has also been pointed out to me that I tend to ignore the positive things in my life and instead, focus on the negative things that bring me pain. This of course, I already knew thanks to my wonderul wondeful therapist (Hey Enid how the hell have you been? Good!? GREAT!) I also have been known to catastrophize everything that happens to me and no I did not make that word up. Something goes wrong? END OF THE WORLD PEOPLE. That is just how I work I guess and it is knowing this that leads me to believe that in the long run I am someone that is impossible to love and be with for any long period of time. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel things as strongly as I do, then perhaps I wouldn't be driving myself insane..
Too much wine, I want a nap....NAP GO!
A lotttttt of stuff has been going on, some bad but for the most part good. I have been realizing a lot about myself these past couple of months. Up until recently I never thought of myself as a jealous person or someone that worries in a relationship but guess what kids!? WRONGGGGGGGG! I am very much both types of people and basically it has been driving me insane. Little things that shouldn bother me bother me to no end and make me question my relationships and as for the things that SHOULD bother me well, as you can imagine it's like the end of the world when they come up. I have also realized that I am probably not going to be happy in a relationship ever in my life. Being the kind of person I am if I love someone then that's it. I love them completely, with all my heart and soul and sometimes when I can't be around them it not only emotionally hurts but physically as well. Most would think this is a good way to live your life, as a caring and loving person and I guess it is in certain ways but I have a feeling I am always going to be let down. I don't think that in my life I will ever find a person that loves and cares for me in the same way or as much as I love and care for them, and that thought makes me really angry/depressed/nervous....all that good stuff. It has also been pointed out to me that I tend to ignore the positive things in my life and instead, focus on the negative things that bring me pain. This of course, I already knew thanks to my wonderul wondeful therapist (Hey Enid how the hell have you been? Good!? GREAT!) I also have been known to catastrophize everything that happens to me and no I did not make that word up. Something goes wrong? END OF THE WORLD PEOPLE. That is just how I work I guess and it is knowing this that leads me to believe that in the long run I am someone that is impossible to love and be with for any long period of time. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel things as strongly as I do, then perhaps I wouldn't be driving myself insane..
Too much wine, I want a nap....NAP GO!