Two Hearts and Cigarette Smoke: Sometimes They're The Same Person
Two Hearts and Cigarette Smoke
Pairings: Charlie “Nuwanda” Dalton / Knox Overstreet, Chris Noel / Knox Overstreet (unrequited), Neil Perry / Todd Anderson (mentioned) (Dead Poets Society)
Rating: NC-17
Summary: After Charlie tells Knox to get over Chris, a chain of events begins and the truth is revealed.
Warning: This contains SLASH! Also, this contains Charlie’s jealous loathing for Chris, which means curses.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Dead Poets Society (isn’t that depressing?) because if I did, Todd would never have to live a day without Neil by his side and Cameron would’ve gotten spanked. HARD. (Cameron: “Oh… Spank me ten more times Headmaster… I haven’t learned not to fink on people yet…” XD) Also, I don’t own the amazing words of Henry David Thoreau or the Scissor Sisters and their songs.
Author’s Notes: My first Dead Poets Society slash fiction! I never thought I’d be writing a Charlie / Knox story (which means don’t hate me if they’re a bit out of character!) until I read one that I fell in love with called "Cold Outside". I’m planning on writing a Neil / Todd one extremely soon. (Those two are sooo cute together!) Anyways, it always bothered me that Knox couldn’t tell that Charlie was obviously jealous of Chris stealing away all the attention away from him, so I decided to write one myself! The first part (Sometimes They’re The Same Person) is written in Knox’s point of view, and the second (Heart Aches, Heart Breaks) and third (How About A Drag?) are told in Charlie’s. I hope you like this!
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For Joho, who finally finished watching Dead Poets Society with me and held it together enough not to weep over Neil’s death (though I ended up crying, as always); And for Mrs. G., who showed the inspirational movie in our English class last year so that Joho could see Robert Sean Leonard in all his youthful glory.
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Two Hearts and Cigarette Smoke
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Sometimes They’re The Same Person
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“Kiss you off my lips
I don't need another tube of that dime store lipstick
Well I think I'm gonna buy me a brand new shade of man”
- “Kiss You Off” (Scissor Sisters)
***
I looked down and wiped the tears off the picture of her before they could soak through and damage it.
Damn Chet Danburry, with his football buddies… How can Chris like a prick like him? She’s a sweet girl who deserves better than that… It’s not fair… And where’s Charlie? Is he okay? Oh God, I feel like it’s all my fault that we can’t find him… Oh Charlie…
I began to dwell on the conversation I had with Charlie earlier in the bathroom and my memories flooded back to me, along with my emotions…
***
I went to the bathroom to give Todd and Neil some privacy in their room, where Charlie, the other two boys, and I were studying for the big Latin test.
Charlie had left maybe five minutes before I did without telling us why. Before I left, Neil asked me how everything is going with Chris and I almost cried. “Terrible,” I replied. He gave me a sad smile as he subconsciously placed his hand on Todd’s thigh. “I’m really sorry Knox… I hope you don’t mind, but I have to…help Todd with his Trig homework… I hope you understand…” I nodded and got up to leave, getting the hint that Neil was horny and Todd was willing, which meant study time was over, for now, at least.
By the time I shut the door behind me, I could already hear Neil through the wall, telling Todd to strip for him. All the Dead Poets knew that shy, quiet Todd and exuberant, thunderous Neil were in love, and, lucky for them, none of us really cared that they liked boys. And we knew that if anyone tried to make fun of them for it, we’d all defend them, Charlie especially, considering that he and Neil have known each other for ages.
I needed somewhere to go because it was too early to head back to my room and too cold to go outside, so I chose the bathroom. When I entered, I found none other than Charlie, taking a puff from a cigarette and blowing the smoke out the window. “This is where you had to go to leave me with the lovers?” He turned around, shocked at hearing my voice before smirking. “You’ve gotten good at sneaking around these past few weeks, eh Knoxious?” Then, his smile broke and his voice got quiet. “Is it because of Chris?”
I felt nervous about the way he said that. It wasn’t like Charlie at all, not the Charlie I know who insists on having everyone call him “Nuwanda.” I can get away with still calling him Charlie, but if it was Meeks or even Neil who said that, he’d throw a tantrum and shout “For God’s sake, call me Nuwanda!”
“What does Chris have to do with it? Is it so odd that you didn’t hear me come in?” He blew out more smoke. “Yeah, it actually is. Maybe just a few weeks ago, I could hear your footsteps easily…” I could tell he was thinking, like every little piece of my life was an anomaly he had to figure out.
“Hey Charlie, can I take a drag of that?” His eyes grew wide. “Knoxious wants to have a smoke? Okay, now I know something’s up. What’s wrong?” I snatched the lit cigarette from his fingers and sucked in the smoke, tapping some ash from the tip off when I was done exhaling. “Nothing’s wrong,” I said coolly as I brought the cigarette back to my lips. “Knox, I know something’s wrong. You’re not great at hiding those kinds of things from me. Now, what’s wrong?” He was wearing one of his signature looks ,a face that could will anything out of you that he wanted.
“It’s…about Chris…” He sighed. “Why do you do this to yourself Knox? You’re getting yourself all worked up about a girl who, for one, has a boyfriend who could easily kill you if the fancy struck him to do so. Do you even love this girl?” I took another puff from the cigarette as he went on. “Let her go Knox… You deserve better than how she treats you… Hell, I mean even I would-” He froze. That was the first time that I’d ever seen Charlie at a loss for words in all the years I’ve known him for.
“Charlie? Charlie, are you okay?” He looked at me and gave me the biggest fake smile I’ve ever seen and croaked out a quiet “Yeah…” that I can tell that there was no way in hell he meant it. He ended up letting me keep the cigarette I took from him and left quickly, claiming to want to take a nap.
I ended up staying in the bathroom for another five minutes to finish his cigarette before going down to dinner. I couldn’t find him anywhere, so I went to ask around and found the Dead Poets all at one table, minus Cameron, of course. “Hey Knox! Come sit with us!” Neil was motioning for me to join them. I took a seat on the other side of him, Todd, of course, was sitting on his right and quietly eating his food, while Meeks and Pitts were across from us, discussing the upcoming Latin test with such seriousness that it seemed like they needed to pass in order to live. Neil handed me a plate of food and smiled. “Uh, have any of you guys seen Charlie?” “You mean Nuwanda, Knox. I haven’t seen him since we were in my room studying. Have you seen him Todd?” Todd looked up, mouth full of mashed potatoes, looking like a deer caught in the headlights as he shook his head. “Pitts and I haven’t seen him since Keating’s class,” Meeks said after taking a sip of water. “Shit… Can you tell me if you see him? And tell Cameron to look for him, too. He is Charlie’s roommate, after all. I’m going back to my room…” The boys nodded and I headed off to my room with a roll wrapped in a napkin that I put in my pocket to eat later…
***
I laid back on my bed and felt my eyes start to tear up. “Goddamn it… What’s wrong with Charlie?” I whispered. Someone knocked on my door, so I went to answer. “Hi Knox…” It was Todd, but he looked worried. “Hey…” “Neil sent me over to tell you that we still haven’t found Nuwanda, and we practically searched the whole school… Even Mr. Keating hasn’t seen him…” He touched my shoulder. “I’m sorry we couldn’t help you…” “It’s okay. I’m going to go look for him in a little bit anyway. Tell the boys I say thanks, but they can go take a nap or something. Tell Neil that I’ll be at the meeting tonight, okay? Thanks again.” Todd nodded and went off to be with his boyfriend as I shut the door and buried my head into my pillow.
Charlie… Charlie where are you? Are you okay? What did you stop yourself from saying to me? Why did you stop yourself? Where are you hiding? W…why did you leave me? Why do I care why you left?
Rolling onto my back, I heard a rustle and could tell I was on top of some paper of sorts. I sat up and realized I crinkled my photograph of Chris. “Oh no…” Attempting to smooth out the creases made it worse, ripping the photo in half in the process. “Oh no!”
Chris… You really don’t love me, do you? You really want to be with Chet, don’t you? This was a sign… You love that brainless idiot and I can’t stop you… I don’t want to, don’t want you… Chris Noel…no more heart aches because of you…
Did I just…get over her? Was it that easy to stop myself from my own personal torture? Thank you God… But what about Charlie? Where is my Charlie? Wait, did I just call him my Charlie? Since when has he been my Charlie? My Charlie… Am I…am I in love with Charlie? A…am I… Charlie… Ohh…
I pressed my hand against the front of my pants and moaned. “Oh God…” Quickly remembering how thin the walls are, I bit my lip to stay quiet and snaked a hand inside my pants, softly touching myself. Chris was stripping off her shirt, blonde hair shining in the sunlight, until she changed in to Charlie, who was undoing the button of his pants and pushing them to the floor with that magnificent grin of his. “Hey Knoxious… Come and get me...” I was panting, wanting to finish so badly so I could go find Charlie and tell him that sometimes, in my dreams, he and Chris are the same person…