Teira
Okay, I wasn’t expecting to write again today. But I just really need to.
I saw this comic on twitter (or X, whatever) a few minutes ago, and like… this is exactly it. How I’ve been feeling all these years. Like that’s it.
I think about Teira constantly. Like, what they’re doing, or if they have a job they enjoy, or if they got married. If they still play Enzai, or if they ended up liking a new BL, one that I like too. If they still cosplay, go to cons, if we’ve met but never knew it. If they still think of me. If they’re still alive. I don’t know.
I’ve tried so, so hard to find out. I probably spend more time googling this over anything else. Sometimes my computer lags from how many tabs I have open. I’ve left messages just about everywhere I could think of. I still have their birthday on my phone’s calendar, and on the Enzai calendar widget I have on my laptop. I put aside things I want to give to them, piles of old merch in bubble wrap. It’s terrifying to realize that I’ll probably never know what happened. I feel like I have a breakdown every month or so over it, just start crying inconsolably.
They must hate me so much. I don’t blame them. I just up and left. I know I had my reasons, that all the abuse I was dealing with was just too much for me to handle, but it’s not an excuse for what I did. And now I know how it probably felt, to be on the other side of it all.
I’m so, so sorry, Teira. For everything. Probably more than you’ll ever know, more than words can ever express. I’m so worried about you. I’m worried this all came too late. I miss you so, so much. You were one of my best friends and I loved you so much. I wanted to keep living because of you, because of our friend group. I’m still alive because I knew you.
Please. Please let me know you’re still out there. You can still hate me if you want to. I deserve it anyway. I just need to know you’re alive. Just give me a sign. Anything. Please. Just don’t be dead. Don’t be dead. Please, don’t be dead.