reminder
Why is the distance so hard for me? I think it comes down to fears that I didn’t know I had until now. I don’t think he’s going to cheat on me, or find someone else... But I feel like he’s forgetting about me, or doesn’t think about me as much as I think about him. My biggest fear in life is that I’ll end up with someone like my father, and I don’t ever want to be that kind of woman. So the second I feel like I might have stronger feelings for someone than they do for me… I panic (and I don’t even know, because I haven’t asked, and he hasn’t volunteered everything up yet). I don’t want to be like my mom, or my stepmom, waiting around, moping, and center my life around someone who didn’t really care in the first place. He says he cares about me, and when we’re together, it’s obvious he does. He just doesn’t make it obvious when we’re apart. I don’t ask if he misses me, because first of all, I hate asking… and I’m also scared that maybe he doesn’t, and what that could mean.
This is a “me” problem though. He’s never done anything to make me think that he doesn’t miss me, doesn’t care about me, etc. I don’t know why I keep focusing on this, especially when I know what the problem is and why I feel this way. My dad’s a douche when it comes to women and relationships, and I don’t want to end up like the women he leaves behind. I know that has nothing to do with Geoff. I have these long, rational spells where everything’s fine and I don’t freak out…and then BAM! He doesn’t get online, or call me back within a few hours or something… and I start concocting all these absurd things in my head, thinking the absolute worst. I can’t believe I’m admitting this… but I kept getting more and more nervous driving to go get him last weekend, because I thought that maybe he and Julia were coming down to tell both Ben and I that they had feelings for each other and wanted to break up with us. How absurd is that?!? I know it’s absurd, and I knew it then… but I couldn’t control that irrational feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I just have to keep reminding myself that what my Dad is, and Kevin was, has no bearing on who Geoff is. He deserves the benefit of the doubt because he’s earned it, and has done nothing to indicate otherwise. He’s been nothing but sweet, understanding, and honest from the very beginning, so unless I want to screw up something great, I need to get a hold on this and stop bringing in baggage from family and past relationships. He deserves more than that, and damn it, I do too.
And it has to be said… I can’t wait to see him in Chicago in… 12 days!
This is a “me” problem though. He’s never done anything to make me think that he doesn’t miss me, doesn’t care about me, etc. I don’t know why I keep focusing on this, especially when I know what the problem is and why I feel this way. My dad’s a douche when it comes to women and relationships, and I don’t want to end up like the women he leaves behind. I know that has nothing to do with Geoff. I have these long, rational spells where everything’s fine and I don’t freak out…and then BAM! He doesn’t get online, or call me back within a few hours or something… and I start concocting all these absurd things in my head, thinking the absolute worst. I can’t believe I’m admitting this… but I kept getting more and more nervous driving to go get him last weekend, because I thought that maybe he and Julia were coming down to tell both Ben and I that they had feelings for each other and wanted to break up with us. How absurd is that?!? I know it’s absurd, and I knew it then… but I couldn’t control that irrational feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I just have to keep reminding myself that what my Dad is, and Kevin was, has no bearing on who Geoff is. He deserves the benefit of the doubt because he’s earned it, and has done nothing to indicate otherwise. He’s been nothing but sweet, understanding, and honest from the very beginning, so unless I want to screw up something great, I need to get a hold on this and stop bringing in baggage from family and past relationships. He deserves more than that, and damn it, I do too.
And it has to be said… I can’t wait to see him in Chicago in… 12 days!