Brian's still dead
As
much as I would have it otherwise, Brian is STILL dead, and I don't like
it. It still makes me cry during
the day and I can’t get over this feeling of being lost. Patt and I look
at each other with this mirrored sadness in our eyes, an acknowledgement of all
that he meant in our lives. Today was one of those days.
I miss the early morning whispering sessions we had before everyone else showed up. Talking about how he had met a cute man, ugly man, nice man, old man, at one of his Thursday night massage sessions. Or how he had spent his Sunday mornings before church in the Castro, soaking up the feelings of being a gay man surrounded by other gay men. I miss watching his process of slowly coming out of the closet, sad that I was one of the very few that had access to that part of him, sadder still that his own mother never knew. I miss how we would sit beside one another, him coding elegantly, me trying to intuitively interpret what the hell he was doing. Now I wish I had been paying closer attention. I’m still here, coding with a hammer, making things work and fit, even if I don’t exactly know why it’s working, just glad that I managed to ferret out a portion of the cryptic logic inside those strangely algebraic code snippets. I miss having him at my back, fielding all the bullshit from senior management, making the hard decisions and fighting for his team, his eye always trained on the integrity of our CBTs. There are so many things I miss.
As we turn the Wheel this year, there will be other times of intense sadness; and that feeling of loss without him by my side, my big bro, my mentor, my friend. Brian
Next, I guess I’m gonna have to get into the feelings of just how much he PISSES ME OFF!
I miss the early morning whispering sessions we had before everyone else showed up. Talking about how he had met a cute man, ugly man, nice man, old man, at one of his Thursday night massage sessions. Or how he had spent his Sunday mornings before church in the Castro, soaking up the feelings of being a gay man surrounded by other gay men. I miss watching his process of slowly coming out of the closet, sad that I was one of the very few that had access to that part of him, sadder still that his own mother never knew. I miss how we would sit beside one another, him coding elegantly, me trying to intuitively interpret what the hell he was doing. Now I wish I had been paying closer attention. I’m still here, coding with a hammer, making things work and fit, even if I don’t exactly know why it’s working, just glad that I managed to ferret out a portion of the cryptic logic inside those strangely algebraic code snippets. I miss having him at my back, fielding all the bullshit from senior management, making the hard decisions and fighting for his team, his eye always trained on the integrity of our CBTs. There are so many things I miss.
As we turn the Wheel this year, there will be other times of intense sadness; and that feeling of loss without him by my side, my big bro, my mentor, my friend. Brian
Next, I guess I’m gonna have to get into the feelings of just how much he PISSES ME OFF!