Here is the letter I sent to mom.
Mom,
I have received all the phone calls, the email and the letter. I appreciate the tone of the letter, you are right, we have irreconcilable differences and if we can learn to live with them, perhaps we can have at least a little of a relationship. I need time. I need a little while to fully realize the separation between us. The “plane” of a relationship you mentioned in one message, that “plane” gives me a false sense of security. It makes me forget that we hold each other at arm’s length. I get too comfortable with you. I didn’t think twice about drawing Christmas trees on the package, I didn’t even think about your aversion to Christmas trees. The only thing I thought about while drawing on the package is that I didn’t have more sparkly markers. As far as putting Debs name on the gifts, I did that because she asked me to. She saw me only signing my name and said it wasn’t fair that she should be ignored when she helped me pick out the gifts and her money paid for them too. I told her you weren’t ready for that, then she asked me a very good question. How long was I going to let you keep your head in the sand about her? It hurt her feelings to be ignored for the sake of your comfort level. And you’re right, she is my everything and I don’t want to hurt her. I knew it would be hard for you but I NEVER imagined you’d send them all back. I’m not too surprised you did, given your tendency towards knee jerk emotional reactions. But I do not think it was right or fair of you to send back everyone’s gifts without even consulting them. You didn’t let my brothers and their wives have an opinion about it. I know they probably would have agreed with you but the point is you did a pretty hurtful thing to me on their behalf, and you made an awkward situation even more awkward because now I don’t know whether or not to send them the gifts and let them make up their own minds or not. I wish you would have only sent yours back.
It was extremely hurtful that you sent them back. Extremely. I know we have weird family situations but I wanted to share and take part in Christmas with you all. I didn’t put Matt and Jess’s gifts in there because they do Christmas with their mom, so I sent theirs to Tonya. You took my desire to share Christmas with you all and slapped it right back in my face, reminding me exactly how unwanted I am unless I fit a certain picture you have of me. When we talk on the phone, when we’re in that “plane”, you try so hard to ignore a very important part of my life and here’s the twisted hurtful part - I help you. I blame it on my being compassionate and understanding of your views and being gentle with you. But I do it because one day, I have hope, you’ll love me for all the parts of me that you don’t agree with, and you’ll love all the parts too. This is what I have to let go of. I need to grieve the loss of you and the rest of my blood family. It hurts me to ignore Debs in our conversations, and it hurts me to ignore - for your sake - such a big important part of my life. I have to find a way not to do this anymore. I cannot keep allowing myself to be hurt nor taking part in hurting myself.
So I need time. I need you to stop contacting me. Give me a few months to live a life where there is not a constant reminder that I’m not good enough or that something is so wrong with me that we have to pretend it doesn’t exist. I know you can’t believe it, but I am happy, I am whole, I am complete. I know who I am. I have to stop pretending I’m someone else for you. I’ll call you when I’m ready. I love you and miss you terribly.
Shana
I have received all the phone calls, the email and the letter. I appreciate the tone of the letter, you are right, we have irreconcilable differences and if we can learn to live with them, perhaps we can have at least a little of a relationship. I need time. I need a little while to fully realize the separation between us. The “plane” of a relationship you mentioned in one message, that “plane” gives me a false sense of security. It makes me forget that we hold each other at arm’s length. I get too comfortable with you. I didn’t think twice about drawing Christmas trees on the package, I didn’t even think about your aversion to Christmas trees. The only thing I thought about while drawing on the package is that I didn’t have more sparkly markers. As far as putting Debs name on the gifts, I did that because she asked me to. She saw me only signing my name and said it wasn’t fair that she should be ignored when she helped me pick out the gifts and her money paid for them too. I told her you weren’t ready for that, then she asked me a very good question. How long was I going to let you keep your head in the sand about her? It hurt her feelings to be ignored for the sake of your comfort level. And you’re right, she is my everything and I don’t want to hurt her. I knew it would be hard for you but I NEVER imagined you’d send them all back. I’m not too surprised you did, given your tendency towards knee jerk emotional reactions. But I do not think it was right or fair of you to send back everyone’s gifts without even consulting them. You didn’t let my brothers and their wives have an opinion about it. I know they probably would have agreed with you but the point is you did a pretty hurtful thing to me on their behalf, and you made an awkward situation even more awkward because now I don’t know whether or not to send them the gifts and let them make up their own minds or not. I wish you would have only sent yours back.
It was extremely hurtful that you sent them back. Extremely. I know we have weird family situations but I wanted to share and take part in Christmas with you all. I didn’t put Matt and Jess’s gifts in there because they do Christmas with their mom, so I sent theirs to Tonya. You took my desire to share Christmas with you all and slapped it right back in my face, reminding me exactly how unwanted I am unless I fit a certain picture you have of me. When we talk on the phone, when we’re in that “plane”, you try so hard to ignore a very important part of my life and here’s the twisted hurtful part - I help you. I blame it on my being compassionate and understanding of your views and being gentle with you. But I do it because one day, I have hope, you’ll love me for all the parts of me that you don’t agree with, and you’ll love all the parts too. This is what I have to let go of. I need to grieve the loss of you and the rest of my blood family. It hurts me to ignore Debs in our conversations, and it hurts me to ignore - for your sake - such a big important part of my life. I have to find a way not to do this anymore. I cannot keep allowing myself to be hurt nor taking part in hurting myself.
So I need time. I need you to stop contacting me. Give me a few months to live a life where there is not a constant reminder that I’m not good enough or that something is so wrong with me that we have to pretend it doesn’t exist. I know you can’t believe it, but I am happy, I am whole, I am complete. I know who I am. I have to stop pretending I’m someone else for you. I’ll call you when I’m ready. I love you and miss you terribly.
Shana