(no subject)
In my case, video games are more a means of escape than anything else. Where there is a situation I cannot/will not deal with, I will often immerse myself in this other world as a means of avoiding the necessary resolution of my issues. This often leads to an exacerbation of the first situation, and the creation of several new problems that I must, at a later time, also face and resolve. This is not a new revelation for me, long has it been evident that when conflicts arise, the first thing I do is to ignore them if I feel inadequately prepared to face them.
Obviously this is not the most healthy of manners in which to treat issues at hand because it often results in a sudden explosion of emotions or a very deep-felt depression that is hard to escape. The explosions and depressions come when a variety of issues affect a certain aspect of my life all at once, and are unpredictable, as sometimes I do not suffer these feelings at all. But sometimes they will appear months or years after the events have occurred, when some trigger releases all the pent up emotion and frustration in an obliterating torrent.
When I suffer such outbreaks, I crawl inside my shell, trying to hide it from the world behind little white lies: I have a million excuses for not having finished said assignment, or not having kept said date. And while I understand that a simple admission of the fact that I had recently had that breakdown would lead to better comprehension and acceptance, I am ashamed of my inability to rein myself in.
The day of the outburst is traumatic, and anyone who is near me can sense the storm brewing inside, and I myself feel helpless to stop it. Undoubtedly some treatment, be it exercise, good food, friends, etc, would help, but when I feel this way, I have no energy, no drive, and throw myself into any escape I can find. Sometimes I just sleep.
The week after is especially hard, since the day after I am often non-present, despite any obligations I may have, be they academic or social. I am unapproachable, and try to make myself as unreachable as possible. I will turn off my phone, not respond to emails, and sometimes even go as far as to ignore visitors at the door. Depending on the day of the week, the next few days may be daunting as well, because of I miss a Monday, for example, I have to explain to my professors (during the school year, and boss during the summer), "why" I was not respectful enough to attend their most delightful and entertaining lecture. Now, despite how entertaining and delightful that lecture may have been (which undoubtedly, and without sarcasm, it must have been), I was in no position to attend class, or if I did (which happens at times as well) attend class, I neither paid attention nor participated, whose end sum is the same as not having appeared at all.
I then scramble to make up work, trying to find out what I missed (present or not), what I had to make up, future homework. It makes life even more complicated. I have to apologize and think up reasons for not having been able to meet with so-and-so for coffee or a group meeting over lunch. The truth is, there are no good reasons. I will most likely not tell you what happened, and unless you're able to read between the lines, you will never know. I tend to keep my true emotions deeply hidden, accessible to a very few.
The result of all this frustration is that I find myself in a place where I would do almost anything to avoid the millions of social and scholastic responsibilities that I must make up, and resort to avoidance. This leads me full circle back to my primary means of escape: video games. Unless the problem that originally caused the discomfort is resolved, the cycle is sure to start again. And, being at the stage of life I'm in, there are some problems that cannot and will not be resolved any time in the near future; or, if they are resolved, will cause a whole other set of psychologically and emotional issues perhaps even stronger and more damaging than the damned cycle of self-destruction.
If I had a better manner of dealing with issues that seem so insurmountable, I would readily subscribe to that dogma. But until then I will continue with my down spiral of avoidance and inevitability, because, as of where I am right now, I see no better path. Let me at least say, I have not been playing video games during the last three and a half hours, instead I was doing many other things of which I am equally ashamed.
Yours truly,
Will Blaschko
Obviously this is not the most healthy of manners in which to treat issues at hand because it often results in a sudden explosion of emotions or a very deep-felt depression that is hard to escape. The explosions and depressions come when a variety of issues affect a certain aspect of my life all at once, and are unpredictable, as sometimes I do not suffer these feelings at all. But sometimes they will appear months or years after the events have occurred, when some trigger releases all the pent up emotion and frustration in an obliterating torrent.
When I suffer such outbreaks, I crawl inside my shell, trying to hide it from the world behind little white lies: I have a million excuses for not having finished said assignment, or not having kept said date. And while I understand that a simple admission of the fact that I had recently had that breakdown would lead to better comprehension and acceptance, I am ashamed of my inability to rein myself in.
The day of the outburst is traumatic, and anyone who is near me can sense the storm brewing inside, and I myself feel helpless to stop it. Undoubtedly some treatment, be it exercise, good food, friends, etc, would help, but when I feel this way, I have no energy, no drive, and throw myself into any escape I can find. Sometimes I just sleep.
The week after is especially hard, since the day after I am often non-present, despite any obligations I may have, be they academic or social. I am unapproachable, and try to make myself as unreachable as possible. I will turn off my phone, not respond to emails, and sometimes even go as far as to ignore visitors at the door. Depending on the day of the week, the next few days may be daunting as well, because of I miss a Monday, for example, I have to explain to my professors (during the school year, and boss during the summer), "why" I was not respectful enough to attend their most delightful and entertaining lecture. Now, despite how entertaining and delightful that lecture may have been (which undoubtedly, and without sarcasm, it must have been), I was in no position to attend class, or if I did (which happens at times as well) attend class, I neither paid attention nor participated, whose end sum is the same as not having appeared at all.
I then scramble to make up work, trying to find out what I missed (present or not), what I had to make up, future homework. It makes life even more complicated. I have to apologize and think up reasons for not having been able to meet with so-and-so for coffee or a group meeting over lunch. The truth is, there are no good reasons. I will most likely not tell you what happened, and unless you're able to read between the lines, you will never know. I tend to keep my true emotions deeply hidden, accessible to a very few.
The result of all this frustration is that I find myself in a place where I would do almost anything to avoid the millions of social and scholastic responsibilities that I must make up, and resort to avoidance. This leads me full circle back to my primary means of escape: video games. Unless the problem that originally caused the discomfort is resolved, the cycle is sure to start again. And, being at the stage of life I'm in, there are some problems that cannot and will not be resolved any time in the near future; or, if they are resolved, will cause a whole other set of psychologically and emotional issues perhaps even stronger and more damaging than the damned cycle of self-destruction.
If I had a better manner of dealing with issues that seem so insurmountable, I would readily subscribe to that dogma. But until then I will continue with my down spiral of avoidance and inevitability, because, as of where I am right now, I see no better path. Let me at least say, I have not been playing video games during the last three and a half hours, instead I was doing many other things of which I am equally ashamed.
Yours truly,
Will Blaschko