(no subject)
Hmm, so my last post was sent out in a drunken stupor without any forethought or attempts at being PC. I think my frustration bears more explanation that potshots at skinny, younger gay guys.
I spent all day Friday in an intensive (but fun) training session on how best to manage Government Consulting. No one specifically mentioned it, but I'm pretty sure that people knew I was gay and didn't care. For example, I was involved in a roleplaying exercise in which I had to be an incredibly difficult, pompous executive (what fun!). One of the moderators cut the exercise off by coming in and saying, "Excuse me, Raul is here to give you your massage." She repeated it in front of the entire group later on as we were discussing the outcomes. I didn't feel uncomfortable at this little acknowledgment that I was gay - there was no judgment in her voice at all. I don't think anyone else really cared, either - one of the other guys at my table was gay, and he was being a little flirty. All in all, I was doing my work, getting great things done, commanding a table of people who were all higher levels than me, and feeling very comfortable with the fact that folks probably understood that I was gay, but didn't really care.
Contrast this with the experience at the club, where I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I don't think I really know how to operate within gay culture at all, and I've never been able to find a good champion to sort of forcibly insert me into it so that I'll get comfortable. I tend to hang out with Caleb because he seamlessly transitions into gay culture, and I like to go along to observe or try it out. What's frustrating is the extremely different values that seem to be universal - there seems to be an emphasis on looking practically underage at all times, a level of fake, superficial happiness that I can't pretend to have, and an emphasis on meaningless flirtation and mock-sex while dancing with people you have no intention of taking home. I think this is part of what makes me feel uncomfortable around a lot of gay guys - I don't feel like we can ever be friends because of a. the cultural tension and b. the sexual tension. I always thought that straight guys were crazy when they said that they couldn't be friends with women, but now I'm starting to understand the discomfort. There's no way to say that I just want to be friends when we meet without it sounding like a huge judgment call and a ton of criticism.
It's also frustrating to get invited by a friend to go do something, then to have that friend's attention taken up with stacks of other people (many of whom were kind of vapid and pathetic, but he didn't seem to care). I stood there, overdressed from two earlier parties that night, wondering why I'd bothered to come. If I hadn't paid the cover charge, I probably would have left right away, but I decided to get my money's worth of misery.
In situations like this, I wonder if I'm prematurely old. I can't enjoy people being stupid or ditzy unless I'm terribly drunk, the whole youth obsession is completely lost on me, and in general I just feel like I'm on a different plane from most gay guys. It seems like I just don't get it, and I'm not sure why. I definitely like other guys, but I can't seem to enjoy the company of like-minded guys. I really want to change that, but I feel like I'm continually hitting a brick wall.
Now, the quandary: Dartmouth's Gay and Lesbian Alumni group has contacted me about possibly being its DC regional coordinator. Pushing for this position would give me leverage toward getting promoted (we have a diversity requirement that focuses on membership in groups like this), so part of me really wants it. On the other hand, I'm still struggling so much to feel comfortable with gay culture that I'm not sure it's a good idea. I could take this on with the intent of forcing myself to get used to it, but I'm asking myself what kind of problems this could cause - would I make the other area LGBTQ++ alums uncomfortable? Will I make progress, or will this just be a new source of frustration from which I will awkwardly withdraw? I don't have the street cred to justify my position, so will people give me any respect at all? I'm still deciding what to do, but I need to respond to that e-mail within the next day or so. Anybody have any advice?
I spent all day Friday in an intensive (but fun) training session on how best to manage Government Consulting. No one specifically mentioned it, but I'm pretty sure that people knew I was gay and didn't care. For example, I was involved in a roleplaying exercise in which I had to be an incredibly difficult, pompous executive (what fun!). One of the moderators cut the exercise off by coming in and saying, "Excuse me, Raul is here to give you your massage." She repeated it in front of the entire group later on as we were discussing the outcomes. I didn't feel uncomfortable at this little acknowledgment that I was gay - there was no judgment in her voice at all. I don't think anyone else really cared, either - one of the other guys at my table was gay, and he was being a little flirty. All in all, I was doing my work, getting great things done, commanding a table of people who were all higher levels than me, and feeling very comfortable with the fact that folks probably understood that I was gay, but didn't really care.
Contrast this with the experience at the club, where I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I don't think I really know how to operate within gay culture at all, and I've never been able to find a good champion to sort of forcibly insert me into it so that I'll get comfortable. I tend to hang out with Caleb because he seamlessly transitions into gay culture, and I like to go along to observe or try it out. What's frustrating is the extremely different values that seem to be universal - there seems to be an emphasis on looking practically underage at all times, a level of fake, superficial happiness that I can't pretend to have, and an emphasis on meaningless flirtation and mock-sex while dancing with people you have no intention of taking home. I think this is part of what makes me feel uncomfortable around a lot of gay guys - I don't feel like we can ever be friends because of a. the cultural tension and b. the sexual tension. I always thought that straight guys were crazy when they said that they couldn't be friends with women, but now I'm starting to understand the discomfort. There's no way to say that I just want to be friends when we meet without it sounding like a huge judgment call and a ton of criticism.
It's also frustrating to get invited by a friend to go do something, then to have that friend's attention taken up with stacks of other people (many of whom were kind of vapid and pathetic, but he didn't seem to care). I stood there, overdressed from two earlier parties that night, wondering why I'd bothered to come. If I hadn't paid the cover charge, I probably would have left right away, but I decided to get my money's worth of misery.
In situations like this, I wonder if I'm prematurely old. I can't enjoy people being stupid or ditzy unless I'm terribly drunk, the whole youth obsession is completely lost on me, and in general I just feel like I'm on a different plane from most gay guys. It seems like I just don't get it, and I'm not sure why. I definitely like other guys, but I can't seem to enjoy the company of like-minded guys. I really want to change that, but I feel like I'm continually hitting a brick wall.
Now, the quandary: Dartmouth's Gay and Lesbian Alumni group has contacted me about possibly being its DC regional coordinator. Pushing for this position would give me leverage toward getting promoted (we have a diversity requirement that focuses on membership in groups like this), so part of me really wants it. On the other hand, I'm still struggling so much to feel comfortable with gay culture that I'm not sure it's a good idea. I could take this on with the intent of forcing myself to get used to it, but I'm asking myself what kind of problems this could cause - would I make the other area LGBTQ++ alums uncomfortable? Will I make progress, or will this just be a new source of frustration from which I will awkwardly withdraw? I don't have the street cred to justify my position, so will people give me any respect at all? I'm still deciding what to do, but I need to respond to that e-mail within the next day or so. Anybody have any advice?