B -17- Affliction and the Surpressed Confession
got what was wanted?... an actual journal entry, with my thoughts and feelings. In reality, i would rather there be no need to do anything in this other than schedule my day to day activities... since im stunted from saying what i really want to say, since i'm suppressing a part of my life... (at least ellipsis will never let me down).
I feel completely utterly totally miserable. That freaking proverbial hand has dropped the yoyo... not walk the dog but actually dropped... and the string may be at risk of breaking unless the proverbial hand actually puts some effort in... pft, stupid stupid creature that i am... ambiguous and silly...
But for once i can't apologise... i will anyway cos its always my job it seems... i'll have to fix all of it, and do recovery for reprecussions of someone elses mistakes... but any reprecussions they suffer are thier own... why do i have this returned complexity of guilt... but this time it has nothing to do with me AT ALL! I feel like the proverbial hand has cracked my yoyo open and taken out the flashy little light, then thrown it on the ground and destroyed its happy colour, while at the same time the proverbial hand has been playing with the nipple of a proverbial toystore owner! so the little boy with the yoyo, and the toystore owner were both cowardly enough not to tell me that they broke my goddamn yoyo. i feel, funnily enough, overwhelimingly betrayed.
No excuses. What happened to creativity...
Ever feel like you've given everything... helped through everything... put so much into something without expecting anything in return and hardly getting anything in return, but still you've continued to do so out of the fact you've actually wanted to... because, not only does it feel right, it's normal? have you ever felt that way? well, you may think you have felt that... but i can say to someone... you're wrong...
I have sacrificed and lied and smiled and hidden and ran and stood still, and i have done it all of my own choice because i cared... and still do... but i get nothing but a broken yoyo in return... and when i think of the act of that yoyo breaking, the sickening act of it, i feel like i'm going to vomit.
i want to punch i want to thrash i want to scream i want kick and bite and all of the above. but more importantly i want credit and messages and thankyou's and sorrys and emails and chocolate freddos on my pillow and every COLOURFUL rose of the botanic rainbow... i want truth and the cliche'd crap that i live for. i want, or rather need, some kind of justification for still caring. in fact i would be more than happy with respect and maybe a daily attempt at begging for forgivness... these are all i can think of, when in reality, its gonna take more.
Clearly i want alot... but maybe i deserve it... still thats not my decision to make... it seems to be someone elses... and from recent events that someone has made their decision already... if they want to convince me otherwise, to convince me that such a decision isn't reflected in recent events, then all that someone would have to do is fucking try ALOT...
i never thought i'd feel this way again, i put so much effort into not feeling that way... and all it took was the moronic and incontrovertabley intentional decision of people who i thought cared about me.... you're sick
and yet i still care... no matter how much i vent on this journal it doesn't change that, and i cant even vent as i would like to because i am censored... not by my own judgements, not by my own journal or embarassement, but by what i fear to be thankless insencerity... some people should consider themselves very lucky... some people shouldn't take things for granted...
In "Days of our lives" they just said that alcohol doesn't cause stupidity... day time t.v always tells the truth as well... wish other people did...
i am so angry... and i am so upset.... i do however, think i am very lucky in one respect...
there are a few people out there who do care, i think i discovered that today when, when for example, one said to me what she thought and felt, not what she thought i wanted to hear, while at the same time pointing out it is my choice what i did. i also realised this when i got messages last night... Thank you
but someone else out there should care as well... rather than just pretending they do... it hurts...
oh i like this part of the song.......
"Love's an excuse to get hurt"
Judas Iscariot
Lair and betrayer... do you think jesus really asked for it... do we all therefore ask for it? did i?
self doubting fuck hey?
I'm exhausted at the moment... so i think i better get going before i cause my own head to explode...
... i hate this feeling, why would anyone want to hurt someone this much...
god, i can be dramatic.... but how could you!?
I feel completely utterly totally miserable. That freaking proverbial hand has dropped the yoyo... not walk the dog but actually dropped... and the string may be at risk of breaking unless the proverbial hand actually puts some effort in... pft, stupid stupid creature that i am... ambiguous and silly...
But for once i can't apologise... i will anyway cos its always my job it seems... i'll have to fix all of it, and do recovery for reprecussions of someone elses mistakes... but any reprecussions they suffer are thier own... why do i have this returned complexity of guilt... but this time it has nothing to do with me AT ALL! I feel like the proverbial hand has cracked my yoyo open and taken out the flashy little light, then thrown it on the ground and destroyed its happy colour, while at the same time the proverbial hand has been playing with the nipple of a proverbial toystore owner! so the little boy with the yoyo, and the toystore owner were both cowardly enough not to tell me that they broke my goddamn yoyo. i feel, funnily enough, overwhelimingly betrayed.
No excuses. What happened to creativity...
Ever feel like you've given everything... helped through everything... put so much into something without expecting anything in return and hardly getting anything in return, but still you've continued to do so out of the fact you've actually wanted to... because, not only does it feel right, it's normal? have you ever felt that way? well, you may think you have felt that... but i can say to someone... you're wrong...
I have sacrificed and lied and smiled and hidden and ran and stood still, and i have done it all of my own choice because i cared... and still do... but i get nothing but a broken yoyo in return... and when i think of the act of that yoyo breaking, the sickening act of it, i feel like i'm going to vomit.
i want to punch i want to thrash i want to scream i want kick and bite and all of the above. but more importantly i want credit and messages and thankyou's and sorrys and emails and chocolate freddos on my pillow and every COLOURFUL rose of the botanic rainbow... i want truth and the cliche'd crap that i live for. i want, or rather need, some kind of justification for still caring. in fact i would be more than happy with respect and maybe a daily attempt at begging for forgivness... these are all i can think of, when in reality, its gonna take more.
Clearly i want alot... but maybe i deserve it... still thats not my decision to make... it seems to be someone elses... and from recent events that someone has made their decision already... if they want to convince me otherwise, to convince me that such a decision isn't reflected in recent events, then all that someone would have to do is fucking try ALOT...
i never thought i'd feel this way again, i put so much effort into not feeling that way... and all it took was the moronic and incontrovertabley intentional decision of people who i thought cared about me.... you're sick
and yet i still care... no matter how much i vent on this journal it doesn't change that, and i cant even vent as i would like to because i am censored... not by my own judgements, not by my own journal or embarassement, but by what i fear to be thankless insencerity... some people should consider themselves very lucky... some people shouldn't take things for granted...
In "Days of our lives" they just said that alcohol doesn't cause stupidity... day time t.v always tells the truth as well... wish other people did...
i am so angry... and i am so upset.... i do however, think i am very lucky in one respect...
there are a few people out there who do care, i think i discovered that today when, when for example, one said to me what she thought and felt, not what she thought i wanted to hear, while at the same time pointing out it is my choice what i did. i also realised this when i got messages last night... Thank you
but someone else out there should care as well... rather than just pretending they do... it hurts...
oh i like this part of the song.......
"Love's an excuse to get hurt"
Judas Iscariot
Lair and betrayer... do you think jesus really asked for it... do we all therefore ask for it? did i?
self doubting fuck hey?
I'm exhausted at the moment... so i think i better get going before i cause my own head to explode...
... i hate this feeling, why would anyone want to hurt someone this much...
god, i can be dramatic.... but how could you!?