I miss you...
I really miss last year...as Christmas and the holidays are almost here and today was our last day of school till Winter break. My thoughts cant help but dwell on the fact that today, one year ago, i'd be lying in my ex from my old school, Mark M's arms. Life was so good...knowing that i had someonething special with someone, and that for the first time in my life, someone loved me as much as i loved them. The eaisest way to compare my ex and i are the relationship between like Ayal and Rachel,Gavin and Rachel and/or Liz and Dave (if ur from AFS u know who they are). My ex and i were THAT close, and we went out for longer than both of those couples have, so like i cant exactly judge from them cuz im not their relationships, obviously, but i think we were closer cuz i can see the same things that mark and i went through that they are going through right now. Its crazy cuz sometimes its just so overwhelming to see them at school sometimes cuz they remind me so much of what Mark and I had. Its rediculus, everywhere i go is a memory or something that reminds me of him or someone that knows him or OF him. He even came to my soccer practice over the summer and i gave him a tour of my skool...so the halls of skool remind me of him too. Oh first loves...its really sad that i had to mess it up. As i sit here, and just think of it all, all the things i took for granted about him. Like the way he always smelled so good, or how he came with me like everywhere, we were like connected at the hip and he was my best friend. I told him everything and anything and like...i dunno, ive never been that close with another human being before. It gave me hope in this world that there was something in life, outside all that has gone wrong, that there can be good things in this world. I gained so much from our relationship including more self esteem (for all of u that know me that im VERY insecure and have like no self esteem), confidence, the power to say no, encouraging me to get up and do things like clean the house or help my dad out, to do my best in school, to be the best person i possibly can, etc. He was really good for me. He taught me so much about life, relationships and human beings. Then i had to go mess it all up. God damn. You truley never know what you have until you lose it. I would do anything to get it back, yet i know i cant because now my ex hates me, no matter what i do, or what i say, how much i cry at night, or how much i spill my emotions to him, he still laughs in my face and talks crap on me. He knows that people talking about me behind my back is my weakness, and that is the worst way a human being could possibly hurt me, yet he goes out and does it continually anyway. It kills me.
I mean, its like, how can someone that i love so much and had such a great relationship go out and be so horrible. He went from the person that treated me the best, to the one person that treated me like shit like this. I cant say i dont deserve it, but i only deserved this to a point, that point came and gone LONG ago. It's hard cuz my friends from my old skool all know him, and most of my friends know him. even some people from school know him like Melissa, Brooke and Becky. maybe more people than that? I miss him so much...tonight when i went to the movies with my friends from Souderton i sat there and realized how much more fun it would have been if Mark was there, with me, if things were like they were before we broke up. The night would have been amazing. I dont know how im ever going to love someone like that again. The one person i thought, yes i know, i sound so dumb and nieave, but i really honest to god thought we were going to last. We had it all planned out: after high school we would get engaged if our parents allowed us and then we would get married after we went to college. Or one of us would go to college and one of us would have a temporary job. Then when one of us was done college the other would get a job and work and the other would go to college. Either way. i miss having that best friend, and more than best friend. Sorry, that was a total rant. Too bad the relationship ended on a horrible note. He always said that we would be best friends, even if we broke up...not that i expected that to happen...damn who am i fooling? of course i believed him, just like i was a fool to actually believe him when he said that "we were only gonna be on a break NOT a break up, that he loved me too much to break up with me" and "this wasnt our last kiss, i was still his 'Dimples' and i always would be" He lied to me: he dumped me on my ass. I was devestated.
I think i didnt go to school the next day. Wait no, that was the first time we almost broke up. i came into school the next day, but i was a mess. I looked horrible and felt like shit. i didnt care anymore about anything, because the one thing that inspired me to be me and to be strong, was gone. It felt like someone sliced me in half and left me out to bleed. Life is so bitter sweet. When ur up ur REALLY up, and when ur down, well, it feels like u cant get much lower. Ever since ive been low, i know i have changed, i know im not who i used to be and i never will be. Now he tells people my personal life, yet i keep his a secrets and wont tell them to anyone. Funny how i respect his thoughts more than he seems to respect mine. Also another good point, i know that if he did what i did, i would have forgave him because i truley and deeply loved him and i would have stayed with him, but if its the girl then the guy is always like "ur gone!!!! BITCHHH!" without a second thought.I know it seems so stupid to think u can be in love at 16 and 17, but i was. i know i still would be if i was still with him. I had some of the best times of my life with him and my friends.
Sorry i know this is such a long ass entry, but i really wanna say the best time of my life. Definitly was last summer, i woke up late and i was having a horrible week cuz i couldnt see Mark very much and i was so lonley (my dad works during the day so im alone everyday) and i never see my dad cuz i wake up late and then i go out with my friends then i come back late and hes asleep. Yeah that was my summer. So i woke up at like 10 in the morning and i was reading a book and i heard some noises and i thought like my house was creaking really bad, but it was REALLY loud so i thought the house was gonna fall over...i got so scared. Then after a while my doorbell rang (i was till in pjs haha) and it was Mark, one of my best friends Anna and her bf Ryan who i was friends with (and he was best friends w/ Mark). And heres the best part: it was Mark and I's maybe like 13 months or something, so he brought me red roses :-)which he KNOWS i love! It turned out they were throwing rocks at my window to wake me up. So we all chilled in my room for a while and just hung out and talked and then they said that they wanted to go out to breakfast, so i said i'd get ready and Ryan and Anna waited for Mark in the car. :-) It was so fun, just having Mark hold me in his arms and hug me and all that great stuff. Having him be like "im so sorry i didnt call u this morning, but i wanted to suprise you" it was so cute. It's so fun laying in bed with someone u love cuz its like, i mean even if ur not doing anything, just laying there cuddling. So then after i got ready we all went out for breakfast and played Mini golf. Then Anna and Ry and i all went to Marks house and hung out at his pool and played w/ his little brothers. Eventually Anna and Ryan left and i stayed at Marks house and we rode dirt bikes and stuff. After that and we both took showers we ate dinner and watched a movie. Then we ate ice cream and popcorn and went on his trampoline. It was just so fun cuz we were sitting there laying on the trampoline and staring at the stars, and acting like idiots!!! haha we were such dorks together, we would have so much fun joking around together and making fun of each other. He even tried to teach me how to wrestle cuz he was on the skool wrestling team. It was so much fun :-) Then he drove me home and called me right when he got back and we talked till midnight until he got kicked off the phone.
Summer was indeed crazy, and its so weird, i never got sick of him. I know for a fact that he is the one person i have spent the most time with out of all my friends, i mean i would spend hours at his house. His house was like my second house and i loved his family: his older sis was like an older sis to me, she was gonna take me out 2 get my belly button pierced and everything. His older brothers were awesome and his little brothers were adorable!! Then his dad and i got into such great conversations (he was associate pastor of his chruch) and his mom and i talked about so many things. I could spend like the whole day at his house just hanging out with his family and i'd be pefectly content. It was like they were my family too. It was so nice. I went to church with them every sunday and everything. I like practically lived at their house over the weekend and over the summer and any day off i had from skool. I guess thats why i was like never too close with people at school, cuz i was always at mark's house. haha if i was out with my friends and i had to call my house i would always dial his number first on impulse haha then i'd have to hang up and dial again, except MY number this time. I actually almost went back to souderton this year, im glad i didnt...cuz when we broke up i would have had the worst time in the world, and i wouldnt b able 2 come back to Abington Friends. I would have been stuck at Souderton. Wow i write too much...yeah so theres just a tiney peice of the saga with my ex boyfriend. Its so hard to comprehend how we can go from being inseperable to him like hating me. I miss him so much...and its the holidays that hit me the worst because those are the times i would be with him. Thats why i hate weekends and breaks, cuz i have nothing to do now; i would normally be at his house...but now i kinda cant. Maybe im just too younge for this kinda stuff yet...i dunno, depressing yes, but i would give anything to be with him again. ok now that i sound totally like...such a drama queen...
i dunno, i know i need to get over it, but when u've been with someone for almost a year and a half of ur life and u talked for countless hours EVERY DAY and saw each other ALL the time and being in a really serious relationship like we were in...well its hard to let go and walk away from something i thought was my true love, and the person i would spend the rest of my life with. I know, im a sucker and a fool for thinking that. :-( what can i say? I guess everything with greg made this worse too, cuz Mark met greg, and he got so pissed one time cuz greg was gonna give me a hug and then he backed off cuz Mark shot him an evil look (this was after soph hop). Plus greg would always ask me about him and stuff and one time he was gonna hang out w/ me and some people from my old skool and stuff cuz he wanted to meet my boyfriend. He couldnt go tho cuz he couldnt get out of basketball. Oh well. but yeah, all this stuff with greg really brought back memories of mark too...
ok i think this is one of the longest live journal entries EVER. i'll leave you with a song thats pretty much how i feel right now:
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone"
I mean, its like, how can someone that i love so much and had such a great relationship go out and be so horrible. He went from the person that treated me the best, to the one person that treated me like shit like this. I cant say i dont deserve it, but i only deserved this to a point, that point came and gone LONG ago. It's hard cuz my friends from my old skool all know him, and most of my friends know him. even some people from school know him like Melissa, Brooke and Becky. maybe more people than that? I miss him so much...tonight when i went to the movies with my friends from Souderton i sat there and realized how much more fun it would have been if Mark was there, with me, if things were like they were before we broke up. The night would have been amazing. I dont know how im ever going to love someone like that again. The one person i thought, yes i know, i sound so dumb and nieave, but i really honest to god thought we were going to last. We had it all planned out: after high school we would get engaged if our parents allowed us and then we would get married after we went to college. Or one of us would go to college and one of us would have a temporary job. Then when one of us was done college the other would get a job and work and the other would go to college. Either way. i miss having that best friend, and more than best friend. Sorry, that was a total rant. Too bad the relationship ended on a horrible note. He always said that we would be best friends, even if we broke up...not that i expected that to happen...damn who am i fooling? of course i believed him, just like i was a fool to actually believe him when he said that "we were only gonna be on a break NOT a break up, that he loved me too much to break up with me" and "this wasnt our last kiss, i was still his 'Dimples' and i always would be" He lied to me: he dumped me on my ass. I was devestated.
I think i didnt go to school the next day. Wait no, that was the first time we almost broke up. i came into school the next day, but i was a mess. I looked horrible and felt like shit. i didnt care anymore about anything, because the one thing that inspired me to be me and to be strong, was gone. It felt like someone sliced me in half and left me out to bleed. Life is so bitter sweet. When ur up ur REALLY up, and when ur down, well, it feels like u cant get much lower. Ever since ive been low, i know i have changed, i know im not who i used to be and i never will be. Now he tells people my personal life, yet i keep his a secrets and wont tell them to anyone. Funny how i respect his thoughts more than he seems to respect mine. Also another good point, i know that if he did what i did, i would have forgave him because i truley and deeply loved him and i would have stayed with him, but if its the girl then the guy is always like "ur gone!!!! BITCHHH!" without a second thought.I know it seems so stupid to think u can be in love at 16 and 17, but i was. i know i still would be if i was still with him. I had some of the best times of my life with him and my friends.
Sorry i know this is such a long ass entry, but i really wanna say the best time of my life. Definitly was last summer, i woke up late and i was having a horrible week cuz i couldnt see Mark very much and i was so lonley (my dad works during the day so im alone everyday) and i never see my dad cuz i wake up late and then i go out with my friends then i come back late and hes asleep. Yeah that was my summer. So i woke up at like 10 in the morning and i was reading a book and i heard some noises and i thought like my house was creaking really bad, but it was REALLY loud so i thought the house was gonna fall over...i got so scared. Then after a while my doorbell rang (i was till in pjs haha) and it was Mark, one of my best friends Anna and her bf Ryan who i was friends with (and he was best friends w/ Mark). And heres the best part: it was Mark and I's maybe like 13 months or something, so he brought me red roses :-)which he KNOWS i love! It turned out they were throwing rocks at my window to wake me up. So we all chilled in my room for a while and just hung out and talked and then they said that they wanted to go out to breakfast, so i said i'd get ready and Ryan and Anna waited for Mark in the car. :-) It was so fun, just having Mark hold me in his arms and hug me and all that great stuff. Having him be like "im so sorry i didnt call u this morning, but i wanted to suprise you" it was so cute. It's so fun laying in bed with someone u love cuz its like, i mean even if ur not doing anything, just laying there cuddling. So then after i got ready we all went out for breakfast and played Mini golf. Then Anna and Ry and i all went to Marks house and hung out at his pool and played w/ his little brothers. Eventually Anna and Ryan left and i stayed at Marks house and we rode dirt bikes and stuff. After that and we both took showers we ate dinner and watched a movie. Then we ate ice cream and popcorn and went on his trampoline. It was just so fun cuz we were sitting there laying on the trampoline and staring at the stars, and acting like idiots!!! haha we were such dorks together, we would have so much fun joking around together and making fun of each other. He even tried to teach me how to wrestle cuz he was on the skool wrestling team. It was so much fun :-) Then he drove me home and called me right when he got back and we talked till midnight until he got kicked off the phone.
Summer was indeed crazy, and its so weird, i never got sick of him. I know for a fact that he is the one person i have spent the most time with out of all my friends, i mean i would spend hours at his house. His house was like my second house and i loved his family: his older sis was like an older sis to me, she was gonna take me out 2 get my belly button pierced and everything. His older brothers were awesome and his little brothers were adorable!! Then his dad and i got into such great conversations (he was associate pastor of his chruch) and his mom and i talked about so many things. I could spend like the whole day at his house just hanging out with his family and i'd be pefectly content. It was like they were my family too. It was so nice. I went to church with them every sunday and everything. I like practically lived at their house over the weekend and over the summer and any day off i had from skool. I guess thats why i was like never too close with people at school, cuz i was always at mark's house. haha if i was out with my friends and i had to call my house i would always dial his number first on impulse haha then i'd have to hang up and dial again, except MY number this time. I actually almost went back to souderton this year, im glad i didnt...cuz when we broke up i would have had the worst time in the world, and i wouldnt b able 2 come back to Abington Friends. I would have been stuck at Souderton. Wow i write too much...yeah so theres just a tiney peice of the saga with my ex boyfriend. Its so hard to comprehend how we can go from being inseperable to him like hating me. I miss him so much...and its the holidays that hit me the worst because those are the times i would be with him. Thats why i hate weekends and breaks, cuz i have nothing to do now; i would normally be at his house...but now i kinda cant. Maybe im just too younge for this kinda stuff yet...i dunno, depressing yes, but i would give anything to be with him again. ok now that i sound totally like...such a drama queen...
i dunno, i know i need to get over it, but when u've been with someone for almost a year and a half of ur life and u talked for countless hours EVERY DAY and saw each other ALL the time and being in a really serious relationship like we were in...well its hard to let go and walk away from something i thought was my true love, and the person i would spend the rest of my life with. I know, im a sucker and a fool for thinking that. :-( what can i say? I guess everything with greg made this worse too, cuz Mark met greg, and he got so pissed one time cuz greg was gonna give me a hug and then he backed off cuz Mark shot him an evil look (this was after soph hop). Plus greg would always ask me about him and stuff and one time he was gonna hang out w/ me and some people from my old skool and stuff cuz he wanted to meet my boyfriend. He couldnt go tho cuz he couldnt get out of basketball. Oh well. but yeah, all this stuff with greg really brought back memories of mark too...
ok i think this is one of the longest live journal entries EVER. i'll leave you with a song thats pretty much how i feel right now:
Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone"