Musing: discussion - The online community and ableism
When someone on the internet says something you don't like -- whether it be something prejudiced or discriminatory in some way, or whether it just disses your favourite tv show -- you probably make the assumption that they are willing and able to participate in a discussion about it/defend themselves. You probably don't even consciously think about it: they said something wrong, and they should be ready to stand by their words.
Thinking about it over the last few months, I've come to the conclusion that there's a kind of ableism inherent in this kind of conversation. Often, in the throes of an argument, people will get hurt by the person they're talking to replying to someone else and not them, or going away from the computer for a while, or freezing the threads or disabling comments, or anything they feel that involves ignoring them. And maybe sometimes they're right. Sometimes the person is consciously ignoring them for no better reason than that they feel like it. I don't want to get into a conversation about whether or not that is okay. That's not what I'm trying to talk about.
For the past six months, I've been dealing with steadily escalating anxiety. I've seen a counsellor, I've had to go home from university in the middle of term much more than I'd really like, I've had to do meditation and change my sleeping patterns and stop doing various things that increased my anxiety. And through that I've learnt what it's like to have limited spoons (read up on spoon theory here). This is probably temporary, for me, admittedly, but still, I've had a very clear taste of what it's like.
Say I post something -- a review to a book, perhaps -- and you don't like something I said in it, for whatever reason. So you want to make me understand your point of view. To a certain extent, this is fine, but when you start making it into an argument, my ability to deal with it sharply drops. I will spend the entire day flinching and feeling physically ill every time I receive an email. I will not want to eat. I will not want to leave my bedroom, let alone my house.
And yet internet ettiquette as it stands won't allow me to walk away. I must leave my space open for all comers, because heaven forbid I shut down the discussion. My mental health is seen as an excuse: I shouldn't have said what I did if I wasn't going to back it up. I should have predicted that someone would disagree. There's always someone to disagree, after all.
The discussion is more important than me being able to eat, sleep, and even breathe properly.
Now, you may disagree, but I think there's something wrong with that. I should be allowed to control my own space. I shouldn't have to be totally silent because someone might someday disagree with me, and I probably wouldn't be able to handle it (unless I was having a good day).
If I freeze threads, or disable all comments, or lock a post, it doesn't actually stop the wider discussion. This is the internet: you can make a post of your own, in your own space, to talk about whatever it was. You can hunt down the people who made comments you were interested in and talk to them yourself, in their space. You can take screencaps or copy/paste from my post, or from comment notifications left in your inbox, or just paraphrase from memory. All of these things are possible for you, and it wouldn't be at the cost of my mental health.
I'm not the only one on the internet who isn't always able to deal with you. A lot of people are physically disabled, and might have trouble staying at the keyboard for long periods of time, or dealing with reading from the screen for long periods of time, or maybe they're dealing with having to read via a screenreader, which I imagine would be slower than reading straight from the screen for yourself. They've spent the entire day dealing with their disability: maybe they're just too damn tired to deal with you. And it won't be any better tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that.
And that should be okay. I'm not saying "don't engage with anyone on the internet, ever, for any reason". I'm saying "don't assume that whoever you engage with is going to be able to keep up with this". If I'm trying to talk to someone about their racist behaviour, and they tell me that they're sorry, but they don't have the ability to deal with this discussion right now, I plan to accept that. The chance that they're just making an excuse is, for me, less important than the potential that they're telling the truth. Maybe they're feeling as badly as I am.
It may read like derailing to you, bringing up my disability and acting as though it's more important than whatever we're discussing. That isn't the rationale at all. It's not that my disability is more important, or that I'm expecting pity or using it to excuse my faults. All I'm saying is that I am not able to discuss this further right now. And I'm not the only one. It's not even the same magnitude of problem for me as it is for other people.
It is my privilege, in fact, to be relatively abled. When dealing with people on the internet who do not share that privilege, I have to understand that this isn't a level playing field. Whatever they've said, it can't be worth their mental and physical health. There'll be plenty of other times and ways to talk to them about whatever it is you disagree about. You don't have to do it now, or in the way that has proved difficult for them.
I can't force anyone to do this, or even to agree with me, but this is what I will promise: if you tell me you're not able to continue talking to me, I will back off. I may post about it in my own space, or ask you if we can talk about it at some later date, when you feel capable, but I will not prioritise whatever it is we're discussing over your health. Don't feel that you owe me a response other than, "I'm sorry, I'm not able to discuss this right now". If I need to keep talking about it, I can bring it to my own space.
To state this up front: I don't have the energy right now. For now, comments are on, but depending on what happens in the next few days, I might have to screen or disable them. I will try my damnedest not to lock this post. Feel free to link it around, but I would appreciate it if you'd try not to lead drama and hostility to my door (i.e. don't post it to any notoriously wanky comms).
Stuff here is posted first to Dreamwidth. I won't disable comments here, but I prefer to receive comments on DW. Go here to do so. If you need a DW invite, ask. There is a tutorial on how to set up your OpenID here. If you comment anonymously, please sign your comments!
Thinking about it over the last few months, I've come to the conclusion that there's a kind of ableism inherent in this kind of conversation. Often, in the throes of an argument, people will get hurt by the person they're talking to replying to someone else and not them, or going away from the computer for a while, or freezing the threads or disabling comments, or anything they feel that involves ignoring them. And maybe sometimes they're right. Sometimes the person is consciously ignoring them for no better reason than that they feel like it. I don't want to get into a conversation about whether or not that is okay. That's not what I'm trying to talk about.
For the past six months, I've been dealing with steadily escalating anxiety. I've seen a counsellor, I've had to go home from university in the middle of term much more than I'd really like, I've had to do meditation and change my sleeping patterns and stop doing various things that increased my anxiety. And through that I've learnt what it's like to have limited spoons (read up on spoon theory here). This is probably temporary, for me, admittedly, but still, I've had a very clear taste of what it's like.
Say I post something -- a review to a book, perhaps -- and you don't like something I said in it, for whatever reason. So you want to make me understand your point of view. To a certain extent, this is fine, but when you start making it into an argument, my ability to deal with it sharply drops. I will spend the entire day flinching and feeling physically ill every time I receive an email. I will not want to eat. I will not want to leave my bedroom, let alone my house.
And yet internet ettiquette as it stands won't allow me to walk away. I must leave my space open for all comers, because heaven forbid I shut down the discussion. My mental health is seen as an excuse: I shouldn't have said what I did if I wasn't going to back it up. I should have predicted that someone would disagree. There's always someone to disagree, after all.
The discussion is more important than me being able to eat, sleep, and even breathe properly.
Now, you may disagree, but I think there's something wrong with that. I should be allowed to control my own space. I shouldn't have to be totally silent because someone might someday disagree with me, and I probably wouldn't be able to handle it (unless I was having a good day).
If I freeze threads, or disable all comments, or lock a post, it doesn't actually stop the wider discussion. This is the internet: you can make a post of your own, in your own space, to talk about whatever it was. You can hunt down the people who made comments you were interested in and talk to them yourself, in their space. You can take screencaps or copy/paste from my post, or from comment notifications left in your inbox, or just paraphrase from memory. All of these things are possible for you, and it wouldn't be at the cost of my mental health.
I'm not the only one on the internet who isn't always able to deal with you. A lot of people are physically disabled, and might have trouble staying at the keyboard for long periods of time, or dealing with reading from the screen for long periods of time, or maybe they're dealing with having to read via a screenreader, which I imagine would be slower than reading straight from the screen for yourself. They've spent the entire day dealing with their disability: maybe they're just too damn tired to deal with you. And it won't be any better tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that.
And that should be okay. I'm not saying "don't engage with anyone on the internet, ever, for any reason". I'm saying "don't assume that whoever you engage with is going to be able to keep up with this". If I'm trying to talk to someone about their racist behaviour, and they tell me that they're sorry, but they don't have the ability to deal with this discussion right now, I plan to accept that. The chance that they're just making an excuse is, for me, less important than the potential that they're telling the truth. Maybe they're feeling as badly as I am.
It may read like derailing to you, bringing up my disability and acting as though it's more important than whatever we're discussing. That isn't the rationale at all. It's not that my disability is more important, or that I'm expecting pity or using it to excuse my faults. All I'm saying is that I am not able to discuss this further right now. And I'm not the only one. It's not even the same magnitude of problem for me as it is for other people.
It is my privilege, in fact, to be relatively abled. When dealing with people on the internet who do not share that privilege, I have to understand that this isn't a level playing field. Whatever they've said, it can't be worth their mental and physical health. There'll be plenty of other times and ways to talk to them about whatever it is you disagree about. You don't have to do it now, or in the way that has proved difficult for them.
I can't force anyone to do this, or even to agree with me, but this is what I will promise: if you tell me you're not able to continue talking to me, I will back off. I may post about it in my own space, or ask you if we can talk about it at some later date, when you feel capable, but I will not prioritise whatever it is we're discussing over your health. Don't feel that you owe me a response other than, "I'm sorry, I'm not able to discuss this right now". If I need to keep talking about it, I can bring it to my own space.
To state this up front: I don't have the energy right now. For now, comments are on, but depending on what happens in the next few days, I might have to screen or disable them. I will try my damnedest not to lock this post. Feel free to link it around, but I would appreciate it if you'd try not to lead drama and hostility to my door (i.e. don't post it to any notoriously wanky comms).
Stuff here is posted first to Dreamwidth. I won't disable comments here, but I prefer to receive comments on DW. Go here to do so. If you need a DW invite, ask. There is a tutorial on how to set up your OpenID here. If you comment anonymously, please sign your comments!