Growing up...
So for a long time I gravitated to anyone who I thought I loved. I don't know how else to put those people that you meet in college and you call them your friends, and then you work so hard to have those connections, and you don't think that anyone else will infiltrate that circle of trust right....
So let's fast forward. We're 20 years past that point. In those 16 years post college graduation. Everyone has branched into different directions, most of them went the "normal route" they got married, you were there to support them. They had babies, you were there to support them. They landed new jobs... i mean i can go on and on... you celebrate and embrace those hard times and the sad times, and we push forward.
I had a different route. I chose my family first. I was told that my mom was going to die and i had "maybe" 7 years to spend with her before she was to meet her maker. I decided that i was going to be her care taker. It was a really rough road. I struggled very hard. At some points i was taking care of her and working two or three part time jobs, until her needs needed to be more met, and then my job also opened to full time, so i didn't need the additional part time, but everytime i got "ME TIME" i would just break down and cry most of the time, because the constant stress, and constant worry of "Am i doing everything that i can" "Am i giving her the best life" "is this my best life?" Played over and over and over in my head.
some friends "supported me".... a lot of them told me that i needed to put my mom in a home, and entrust others, and that I needed to be out there and getting a husband, and make babies, and have the all encompassing career. I cried. I cried a lot. Guilt like you would never believe. I cried. People attacked me because i chose my real best friends over not so great friends. Guilt. Humility. Anger.
Mom's now gone. Has been for four years. With Covid, life changed. For all of us. For some of us way more then others. For me. It was the quiet time to reach within and pull out from myself, and heal from all the things.
I started deleting people after my mom died that made me feel anything. Anger, guilt, anyone who took me in a direction that didn't' sit well with me and who i wanted to be... I deleted. A lot of them weren't even friends, they were just people who were related to real friends, and why do I have you on my social media?!? You don't give me anything. I started searching for JOY.
One of the "friends" from college realized that they've been deleted now for 10 months, and I know if i don't add them back, i'm going to get a nasty gram message from them. They don't realize how much their existence, even if they dont' comment on my stuff, if i just see them posting how it toxifies me. I spent hours over thinking my feelings, and reactions to this person. There is a lot of guilt. a lot of anger. A lot of misguided trust. A lot of i did. and said..... things i wish i never had done, said, did. I was not a good person to this person. I don't want to be friends with them anymore, because I am ashamed.
I can still hear them saying to the group, "Renae I dont know what happened to you, you used to be ...." all of the things that I'm not anymore. I no longer am a door mat. I no longer hold my tounge in some instances. I no longer let people verbally beat me down. I no longer pour myself into people and expect nothing in return. I no longer blindly love people. I no longer trust whole heartily because I believe there is "Good".
You are correct. I am not that person anymore. I've grown. I don't want to be "her" anymore. I don't know if i really like this new me either, but at least this ME has a spine, and is sticking up for herself, where the old me would not. I let you do and be a lot of things, and I did, I said, I reacted a lot of ways, and I've beat myself up over it for YEARS, some days-- daily, and I'm not going to do that anymore. I don't want to beat myself up forever just to be friends on social media.... Best of luck to you, i'm out of the drama thanks!