Resisting temptation
I made Stacy a Bailey's chocolate cake for her birthday tomorrow and I'm having troubles keeping myself out of the kitchen. I'm daydreaming of picking up a knife and cutting myself a tiny slice. Just to test it out. It may not have turned out very well. It would be tragic were I to give her a cake that tastes awful. Wouldn't it? A good friend would sample it first to be sure.
I'm also tempted to put off writing my reviews and comments till the weekend. Critiquing other people's work has always been a giant challenge for me. Especially when I've come to build relationshipps with these people. It's very difficult to be objective. Too critical and I risk either discourgement or alienation. Not critical enough and I risk missing a chance to dispense valuable information. That and risk coming across as a weak teacher at best. After all, my future resides on these critiques as much as my students' futures do. It's very daunting being graded like this. And I want to finish this degree well so very badly.
But I'm thinking the comments are a lot easier than the self-analysis I have to write. Not to mention the performance I have to prepare for. Actually, the final performance is the easy part. What's difficult is the pre-performance, and then the audjudicating. I'm a terrible audjudicator, I'll admit that freely. I unsed to think that would be a fun job, and I like the part where I get to run clinics. I just hate judging with a passion. It's so subjective and I find myself sympathising too much with the judges of my past that pissed me off. I'd rather stay right out of that area of music. Competition and music should not go together. (Wow, I can't believe I actually said and believe that!)
Speaking of temptations... I'm also resisting the temptation to spend the night dedicating nasty songs to Rob on the radio. It was fun when I was 19 but not so cool now. I am supposed to be mature after all. Not that he doesn't deserve it, the married jackass. But I guess I shouldn't lower myself in order to share his loser-ship with the world.
I think the only reason I'm so choked about it all is that I was feeling guilty. Guilty! For not investing very much in the relationship. Treating him lightly, like a person I didn't care whether I saw or not. I felt bad and just when I started to get to know him better, to try and make something out of whatever it was we had going, I find out he's not exactly divorced as he'd claimed. That eradicated the guilt something rapid.
Now I just feel like a cheap idiot.
Maybe I should have a piece of cake after all. Chocolate could be just what I need to take the edge off. Stace will understand.
I'm also tempted to put off writing my reviews and comments till the weekend. Critiquing other people's work has always been a giant challenge for me. Especially when I've come to build relationshipps with these people. It's very difficult to be objective. Too critical and I risk either discourgement or alienation. Not critical enough and I risk missing a chance to dispense valuable information. That and risk coming across as a weak teacher at best. After all, my future resides on these critiques as much as my students' futures do. It's very daunting being graded like this. And I want to finish this degree well so very badly.
But I'm thinking the comments are a lot easier than the self-analysis I have to write. Not to mention the performance I have to prepare for. Actually, the final performance is the easy part. What's difficult is the pre-performance, and then the audjudicating. I'm a terrible audjudicator, I'll admit that freely. I unsed to think that would be a fun job, and I like the part where I get to run clinics. I just hate judging with a passion. It's so subjective and I find myself sympathising too much with the judges of my past that pissed me off. I'd rather stay right out of that area of music. Competition and music should not go together. (Wow, I can't believe I actually said and believe that!)
Speaking of temptations... I'm also resisting the temptation to spend the night dedicating nasty songs to Rob on the radio. It was fun when I was 19 but not so cool now. I am supposed to be mature after all. Not that he doesn't deserve it, the married jackass. But I guess I shouldn't lower myself in order to share his loser-ship with the world.
I think the only reason I'm so choked about it all is that I was feeling guilty. Guilty! For not investing very much in the relationship. Treating him lightly, like a person I didn't care whether I saw or not. I felt bad and just when I started to get to know him better, to try and make something out of whatever it was we had going, I find out he's not exactly divorced as he'd claimed. That eradicated the guilt something rapid.
Now I just feel like a cheap idiot.
Maybe I should have a piece of cake after all. Chocolate could be just what I need to take the edge off. Stace will understand.