thoughts on my head
Kathy is looking for me again. I dont know why but she called Dave's house. I dunno what to do. I love her alot, but i dont know if i wanna go threw the shit again. She stopped talking to me over 40 dollars i didnt take. I mean she even found the money in her purse after she accused me. Now who in thier right mind would steal money and put it back. I mean come on. Who would steal money and put it back.. It's like someone saying.. "i wanna get cought." I mean for real. it couldnt have been that she was so tired she put it in another part of her wallet and she forgot about it. I mean.. i used to pay her bills for her with her cards and her checking account for 2 years. No money ever went missing. So why would i start then and put it back? Makes no sence to me. So it's like... why start looking for me now? I mean does she miss me? Did she find my missing engagement ring? Did joe call me cause he misses issy? Or did she call me because her and my aunt Vicki need something to bitch about? I just dont know if i wanna go back there. I mean almost 2 years and no word.. and now.. "let me call jenn" I dont get it. *sigh* this has my head in nots because i dont know what is going on. I wish i knew. It is just really getting to me because I wanted her to be back in my life for so long cause i missed her so much.. now all the sudden.. she is looking for me. It's scares me. Because i dont know what is going on in her head.
Then the shit with Alan is getting to me. Not him personally. He is such a sweetheart, but i feel bad because him and kaylie got into a fight over me. Over him being over here all the time. He came over just to smoke and we started talking about animals and we got lost talking. I feel bad cause she flipped out over it. Also when i took dominic last night... I stayed up ALL night looking out for him. I fed him, burped him, changed him after i fed him. At 9:00 he woke up for a feeding. I fed him and he passed out in my arms. I wanted to change him but i didnt cause he was sleeping. I mean the poor baby was fussin all day so i figured i would let him sleep and change him when he started stirring. Well i mentioned it to dave that i fed him and he might need changed. He said he'd leave it up to alan. So when alan woke up he just headed back over to his place and didnt think about changing the baby. The baby had a dirty diaper so now i am not allowed to watch the baby alone. *rolls eyes* there was no thank you for watching him and letting us sleep. There was bitching and i cant watch him. Now i am not upset about the watching thing. But the fact that she is making me feel like i treated her son wrong bothers me. I dont think i did. I stayed up so in case he rolled on his tummy or if he needed me. ALL NIGHT. I finally told dave at 10:30 that i needed sleep. I did this so she could sleep and calmn down on the baby. But nooooo we gotta bitch about a dirty diaper. WTF? I think a dirty diaper is nothing next to almost sufficating an infant. Also screamning at it all the time.. and yet i am the bad caregiver. WTF?
I have inspection comming up and i gotta get this house spotless. It isnt gaurenteed that they will be here. But i still dont want the chance of getting in trouble. I have so much blocking my water heater it isnt funny. So i need to take care of that and get shit cleaned up here. As long as it's red up i should be fine. I just need Dave to take issy for a night or so to make sure everything is ok before they come here. I should be fine, but of course that is a worry on my head.
There is other shit on my head about my past and about relationships. I think i am really fucked up over my past. I just think everyone will leave me and i will die alone. I mean it all goes back to if my family dont want me who will. Sometimes i wonder why i even have relationships when i always thing they are gonna leave. I think i want it so desperatly i try and have them but my insecurities destroy them. if that makes any sense. I just have people packed and gone in my head before they even get close. I am terrified of the one thing i want most. I have no idea how to oversome this. Just always in the end i "know" i'll be alone. The thing i want least most of all.
Then the shit with Alan is getting to me. Not him personally. He is such a sweetheart, but i feel bad because him and kaylie got into a fight over me. Over him being over here all the time. He came over just to smoke and we started talking about animals and we got lost talking. I feel bad cause she flipped out over it. Also when i took dominic last night... I stayed up ALL night looking out for him. I fed him, burped him, changed him after i fed him. At 9:00 he woke up for a feeding. I fed him and he passed out in my arms. I wanted to change him but i didnt cause he was sleeping. I mean the poor baby was fussin all day so i figured i would let him sleep and change him when he started stirring. Well i mentioned it to dave that i fed him and he might need changed. He said he'd leave it up to alan. So when alan woke up he just headed back over to his place and didnt think about changing the baby. The baby had a dirty diaper so now i am not allowed to watch the baby alone. *rolls eyes* there was no thank you for watching him and letting us sleep. There was bitching and i cant watch him. Now i am not upset about the watching thing. But the fact that she is making me feel like i treated her son wrong bothers me. I dont think i did. I stayed up so in case he rolled on his tummy or if he needed me. ALL NIGHT. I finally told dave at 10:30 that i needed sleep. I did this so she could sleep and calmn down on the baby. But nooooo we gotta bitch about a dirty diaper. WTF? I think a dirty diaper is nothing next to almost sufficating an infant. Also screamning at it all the time.. and yet i am the bad caregiver. WTF?
I have inspection comming up and i gotta get this house spotless. It isnt gaurenteed that they will be here. But i still dont want the chance of getting in trouble. I have so much blocking my water heater it isnt funny. So i need to take care of that and get shit cleaned up here. As long as it's red up i should be fine. I just need Dave to take issy for a night or so to make sure everything is ok before they come here. I should be fine, but of course that is a worry on my head.
There is other shit on my head about my past and about relationships. I think i am really fucked up over my past. I just think everyone will leave me and i will die alone. I mean it all goes back to if my family dont want me who will. Sometimes i wonder why i even have relationships when i always thing they are gonna leave. I think i want it so desperatly i try and have them but my insecurities destroy them. if that makes any sense. I just have people packed and gone in my head before they even get close. I am terrified of the one thing i want most. I have no idea how to oversome this. Just always in the end i "know" i'll be alone. The thing i want least most of all.