(no subject)
Now that I have cleared out people from my friends list, I can write anything I want in here!
I have been wanting to get this out for the longest time. I WANT TO BE MYSELF AND DO THE THINGS I WANT TO DO WITHOUT BEING JUGDE OR PEOPLE TELLING ME NO!
I feel like i live my life the way my mom or tim wants me to live it. I like to smoke, i like to drink, i like to go out and have fun. If Tim even knew that I smoke he would go blistic! I know its not good for you and I am not addicted. I just like to have it when i hang out or drink. Its a social thing. I dont do it 'cuz they are doing it too' i just want one whenever i hang out with people. Even if they dont smoke! I dont care! I like it!
But i cant do it... not even once in a whle! I can now that i live in Orlando with no mom or no Tim. But what happens when Tim moves here in 2 1/2 years. Can I not tell him? What will he say or do? I just feel like i cant be myself in front of him sometimes.
I am not talking jut abou smoking but other things. I want Tim to be able to go out with me and my friends. I go out with his, I dont understand why he cant do the same thing. For example one night we were supposed to go out to my friends house and party. Tim didnt want too. He was going too but he puts on a little act where he says ok but doesnt act ok. So i gave in of course and we didnt go. So then we were in TN and we go to a Bond Fire with his friends and he gets drunk! While i am the DD. Which i was ok with because its good to be safe then sorry. I know he didnt see his friends for over 3 years but i really wanted him to see what i am like with my friends. Im not even sure if i act the same.
I love him more then anything though. He have these moments where i catch him looking at me and when i look at him he makes a funny face. Every night before we go to bed we both get in this giggly lovey mood where we start sniffing each others ear to tickle the other and we start poking each others face while making werid noises. He makes my heart flutter and I wish I had the time and money to marry him now. 2 1/2 years and we will be. He wants to go to college in orlado now. This last month was our first time spending as much time together as did. It was amazing! We are so much closer now and i feel like i know him better. He text me today saying that the last month made him want to get out of the marnies now to spend every day with me and that he loves me. He also told me that ext time he comes home that he is going to take mom and dad out to ask for my hand! =) OMG!
ENOUGH about tim...
I have to start paying my rent in Jan. On top of that i have monthly car payments. So starting in Jan i will be make $200 for car and $619 for rent (which doesnt include the extra money for using to much electrity) I HAVE NO CLUE HOW THIS IS GOING TO WORK!!
Mom think that I am going to have to move back home and go to HCC. Which of course doesnt give me the confident in myself to make in here in orlando. I hate to say this but Tim was right. It would make it easier if we were married. I love him, I want to marry him. But i really wanted to wait till i can spend every day with him.
I hope the whole money thing will work out.
I think i feel better now and i am going to try to sleep. Its a good thing i dont have class in the morning. Goodnight Journal and friends!