Morose post
This post may be kind of depressing, so skip it if you feel like it.
I was messing around with Samurize, and decided that a clock would a cool thing to customize my computer with. I've got a rather nifty steampunk design I'm working on for it atm, and a clock would be a great addition, you see. Well, I go searching for designs I could steal, er borrow, and came across a world clock..
I looked at it, and it had a lot of stuff on it. About people being born, and such. Then I realized it also counted deaths. Even worse, it broke it down for me. Beyond that, it included suicides as part of the count. Since the beginning of this year, just until this posting, 300,408 people have killed themselves. What. The. Fuck!? 1,849 today alone. Jesus Christ, that's a lot of people.
It's depressing. All of those people out there, just choosing to end their life, because the world was so shitty, that they thought there was no redemption for them. I wish I could ask them 'Why?'. 'Why are you doing this to not just yourself, but to the people who will be harmed by your death, your taking of yourself from them?' Is life so dark that suicide, self-inflicted murder, the only answer, the only solution, that you see yourself having?
5 people have just died since I started typing. Five. Five husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, friends...have just decided to quit breathing. Five. That's a family for God's sake.
That made me wonder. If I was present, would I stop them? Would I force them to live? Or would I stand by and watch themselves do this?
I was an EMT, as some people may know. I once had to sit outside a locked door, listening to a 15 year old girl self destruct. Her life, in her opinion, was over. I don't remember the exact details, thankfully, but I remember that she thought this was the only way she had of solving her problems. My partner and I couldn't get the door open, and despite our repeated banging and charging of the door, we couldn't get in. That girl apologized to my partner, to me. We then had to listen as she cocked a gun, and then killed herself. It was the saddest sound I've ever heard in my life. If there was a sound that could describe loneliness, anguish, pain, and a sense of being lost, then that was it.
I don't believe in suicide. I think it's a no-win solution to a solvable answer. I know, I know, I suffered a bout of near suicidal depression before. I understand the allure of it. The feeling of 'this will make the pain stop' that the idea brings. Then I think of Kate, and what I lost when she decided to hang herself, and I realized that while I may hate myself and my life, I don't hate my friends and loved ones, and there's no way I can put them through what Kate put me through. So I keep on living.
That said, while I don't believe in the taking of your own life, I don't know that I can go against somebody's desire to end theirs. It is, after all, your life. It's your choice. When you get right down to it, death is just one more factor that you can rarely exert control over. So if you choose to end your pain this way, who am I to tell you no? Your death doesn't physically harm others. And if it does, then fuck you for being so callous you think you can decide for others. However, if you choose to go quietly in your own method, then do so. Just know that somewhere, somebody will be a sadder person for you having done so.
I just looked at the clock again. This world just lost another 14 people. That's 19 now. 19 people who could have changed this planet for the better. We may have just lost the cure to cancer. We'll never know, though, will we? The next Monet may have just died, and only a handful of people will mourn the loss.
So I stand on the horns of a potential dilemma. If I were to be standing in front of a girl right now, and could stop her from leaping to her death from a building...would I? Would I have the right to take away a choice made of her own free will? The government thinks so. Why? Because I owe it to her to help her live her life? Strange. If this same girl wanted to get drunk and sleep with 50 guys in a row, without protection, I would have to let her. Even though emotionally it may scar her for life, or she could contract a fatal disease, such as AIDS. I can't step in there, can I? Of course not. Because she's making a choice of her own free will.
Dilemma, indeed. I don't know what I would do. I'm sure my friends know what I would do, especially the ones that know my heart and soul better than I do, but right at this moment, I just don't know.
Oh, look. 23 people have died in the time it took me to post this. 23 people who didn't believe life would get better. 23 future families that will never start because of a choice made in pain and grief and suffering. 23 potentials. Gone.
Dear God,
Watch over their souls, and watch out for those they left behind. 1,883 today. 300, 442 so far this year. And look, the clock just added one more to the list.
Jeff
I was messing around with Samurize, and decided that a clock would a cool thing to customize my computer with. I've got a rather nifty steampunk design I'm working on for it atm, and a clock would be a great addition, you see. Well, I go searching for designs I could steal, er borrow, and came across a world clock..
I looked at it, and it had a lot of stuff on it. About people being born, and such. Then I realized it also counted deaths. Even worse, it broke it down for me. Beyond that, it included suicides as part of the count. Since the beginning of this year, just until this posting, 300,408 people have killed themselves. What. The. Fuck!? 1,849 today alone. Jesus Christ, that's a lot of people.
It's depressing. All of those people out there, just choosing to end their life, because the world was so shitty, that they thought there was no redemption for them. I wish I could ask them 'Why?'. 'Why are you doing this to not just yourself, but to the people who will be harmed by your death, your taking of yourself from them?' Is life so dark that suicide, self-inflicted murder, the only answer, the only solution, that you see yourself having?
5 people have just died since I started typing. Five. Five husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, friends...have just decided to quit breathing. Five. That's a family for God's sake.
That made me wonder. If I was present, would I stop them? Would I force them to live? Or would I stand by and watch themselves do this?
I was an EMT, as some people may know. I once had to sit outside a locked door, listening to a 15 year old girl self destruct. Her life, in her opinion, was over. I don't remember the exact details, thankfully, but I remember that she thought this was the only way she had of solving her problems. My partner and I couldn't get the door open, and despite our repeated banging and charging of the door, we couldn't get in. That girl apologized to my partner, to me. We then had to listen as she cocked a gun, and then killed herself. It was the saddest sound I've ever heard in my life. If there was a sound that could describe loneliness, anguish, pain, and a sense of being lost, then that was it.
I don't believe in suicide. I think it's a no-win solution to a solvable answer. I know, I know, I suffered a bout of near suicidal depression before. I understand the allure of it. The feeling of 'this will make the pain stop' that the idea brings. Then I think of Kate, and what I lost when she decided to hang herself, and I realized that while I may hate myself and my life, I don't hate my friends and loved ones, and there's no way I can put them through what Kate put me through. So I keep on living.
That said, while I don't believe in the taking of your own life, I don't know that I can go against somebody's desire to end theirs. It is, after all, your life. It's your choice. When you get right down to it, death is just one more factor that you can rarely exert control over. So if you choose to end your pain this way, who am I to tell you no? Your death doesn't physically harm others. And if it does, then fuck you for being so callous you think you can decide for others. However, if you choose to go quietly in your own method, then do so. Just know that somewhere, somebody will be a sadder person for you having done so.
I just looked at the clock again. This world just lost another 14 people. That's 19 now. 19 people who could have changed this planet for the better. We may have just lost the cure to cancer. We'll never know, though, will we? The next Monet may have just died, and only a handful of people will mourn the loss.
So I stand on the horns of a potential dilemma. If I were to be standing in front of a girl right now, and could stop her from leaping to her death from a building...would I? Would I have the right to take away a choice made of her own free will? The government thinks so. Why? Because I owe it to her to help her live her life? Strange. If this same girl wanted to get drunk and sleep with 50 guys in a row, without protection, I would have to let her. Even though emotionally it may scar her for life, or she could contract a fatal disease, such as AIDS. I can't step in there, can I? Of course not. Because she's making a choice of her own free will.
Dilemma, indeed. I don't know what I would do. I'm sure my friends know what I would do, especially the ones that know my heart and soul better than I do, but right at this moment, I just don't know.
Oh, look. 23 people have died in the time it took me to post this. 23 people who didn't believe life would get better. 23 future families that will never start because of a choice made in pain and grief and suffering. 23 potentials. Gone.
Dear God,
Watch over their souls, and watch out for those they left behind. 1,883 today. 300, 442 so far this year. And look, the clock just added one more to the list.
Jeff