The Tao of Domination
The last few weeks I've been struggling with my dominant identity. I always knew that I was not completely submissive nor completely dominant, but that was about as much thought as I had given the matter. And then I met someone who wanted to be owned by me. After getting over the initial flattery, the nitty-gritty of being in-charge of someone else set in. And its been an odd and revealing journey.
First of all, I feel an obligation towards my sub. It takes a lot of trust to submit to someone, and I keep that in mind every time we play. I feel responsible for his safety and feel protective of his boundaries. Its a curious mix of emotions - to want to keep someone safe, to keep their interests in mind, etc.
I really struggled with the issue of empathy and being a domina (issuing discipline and punishment), but I've been resolving that as I continue to play with my sub. I realize that I can have empathy and still order things that I personally would never want to undergo.
I see my role as a domina as one of holding space for my sub. If you're not familiar with the concept of holding space, its quite simple and lovely: one or more people get together to support one person in something, oftentimes an emotional release. The people are there to physically, mentally, and emotionally support an individual, even if they don't say anything. Holding space is a wonderful way to have someone in that space completely let loose and say and do what they feel they need to.
I see my role as one of giving my sub permission to do what he deeply wants. Oftentimes its hard for someone to take the initiative and do something on their own; dominants give their subs freedom by taking away their choice... If my sub is anxious about something, is torn between wanting to experience something but can't motivate himself to try it on his own, I can free him from his fear by pushing him into the experience (freedom of choice versus freedom from choice). I like to think of myself as engaged in "therapeutic domination", lol. (Sounds good, right?)
Sometimes I feel like a parent towards him, chastising and punishing him when he breaks a rule or acts in a way that is discordant with the boundaries we've established. Other times I feel like his equal, or a playmate, or even just a friend. My sub and I have a very flexible relationship, and the range of interaction we have is impressive to me. We can play, or we can chat. We flirt as equals, or I can send him to a corner to reflect on something he did wrong.
Something that I began to realize a little while ago was that I wasn't forcing him to do anything that he didn't want to do. That may sound strange considering that I've punished him, but in our equal conversations we communicate about his boundaries and preferences. Part of being his dominant for me, then, is to watch his boundaries, play within them, and - every so often - stretch them a bit.
I'm still working on conceptualizing myself as a dominant, and as his dominant. I think a lot about responsibility, and boundaries (emotional, mental, physical, etc). I worry about him, now. I consider him a friend, a playmate, and a submissive. Since both of us have brought our multiple selves into this relationship, there are infinitely more variables to consider and take into account.
But I like it this way. I like developing multiple aspects of a relationship simultaneously. However, it makes me wonder if we're just more like kinksters with a tendency to explore a dom/sub dynamic. But I'll get to that one day, lol.
First of all, I feel an obligation towards my sub. It takes a lot of trust to submit to someone, and I keep that in mind every time we play. I feel responsible for his safety and feel protective of his boundaries. Its a curious mix of emotions - to want to keep someone safe, to keep their interests in mind, etc.
I really struggled with the issue of empathy and being a domina (issuing discipline and punishment), but I've been resolving that as I continue to play with my sub. I realize that I can have empathy and still order things that I personally would never want to undergo.
I see my role as a domina as one of holding space for my sub. If you're not familiar with the concept of holding space, its quite simple and lovely: one or more people get together to support one person in something, oftentimes an emotional release. The people are there to physically, mentally, and emotionally support an individual, even if they don't say anything. Holding space is a wonderful way to have someone in that space completely let loose and say and do what they feel they need to.
I see my role as one of giving my sub permission to do what he deeply wants. Oftentimes its hard for someone to take the initiative and do something on their own; dominants give their subs freedom by taking away their choice... If my sub is anxious about something, is torn between wanting to experience something but can't motivate himself to try it on his own, I can free him from his fear by pushing him into the experience (freedom of choice versus freedom from choice). I like to think of myself as engaged in "therapeutic domination", lol. (Sounds good, right?)
Sometimes I feel like a parent towards him, chastising and punishing him when he breaks a rule or acts in a way that is discordant with the boundaries we've established. Other times I feel like his equal, or a playmate, or even just a friend. My sub and I have a very flexible relationship, and the range of interaction we have is impressive to me. We can play, or we can chat. We flirt as equals, or I can send him to a corner to reflect on something he did wrong.
Something that I began to realize a little while ago was that I wasn't forcing him to do anything that he didn't want to do. That may sound strange considering that I've punished him, but in our equal conversations we communicate about his boundaries and preferences. Part of being his dominant for me, then, is to watch his boundaries, play within them, and - every so often - stretch them a bit.
I'm still working on conceptualizing myself as a dominant, and as his dominant. I think a lot about responsibility, and boundaries (emotional, mental, physical, etc). I worry about him, now. I consider him a friend, a playmate, and a submissive. Since both of us have brought our multiple selves into this relationship, there are infinitely more variables to consider and take into account.
But I like it this way. I like developing multiple aspects of a relationship simultaneously. However, it makes me wonder if we're just more like kinksters with a tendency to explore a dom/sub dynamic. But I'll get to that one day, lol.