Heartache Every Moment
I need to save myself this time, if just to prove that I can stand on my own two feet...
Graduation is Monday...For some reason, this graduation feels more real than my own graduation felt. I kinda don't want to go. I don't want it all to end. I hold my breath hoping that it's all just a dream, but my lungs start to hurt and I realize that it isn't. Life is rushing by and I'm standing here watching it blur and occasionally reaching out to grab at this or that and finding my arm ripped to the point that it should come off, so I am forced to let go and become a lone stander in this ever moving world. I'm not ready to let them go. I know I need to. I've known that since I graduated.I know this time will really be the last. I didn't care about my senior class at this school. If I was still in the states, I would have cared, but I was here and I hung out with the seniors of this year and the seniors of the year before me...not my own class...This time will really be the last time we will ever all stand in the same room together. The last time I'll ever deal with those people I couldn't stand. The last time I'll be able to hug some people that I'm sure I'll never see again. Last time to hack as a group, last time to make jokes and remember old parties and stuff with the group. Thank God they aren't graduating in the same place I did last year. It'll be the last time I have to put on the mask I wear every time I'm around all those people I guard myself from while shielding those I need to protect from them. My last chance to tell some peeps how I feel about them. I heard my dad telling the lady who was staying with us that when we come over seas, all the kids know it's a temporary thing. They all know that the friends are temporary and that the living situation is temporary, and yet for kids coming back from overseas, it's the hardest move they will make, cause being over here, they know they will probably never set foot back here again or see the people from here again, especially if those people are natives to the country. He said that 7 times out of 10 the kids want to go back overseas and find lives over there cause they just can't get used to living back in America anymore.I wanted to tell him that it's true, that this is a fucking hard move for me to make cause it just seems so hopeless. It feels like a vast empty space is opening up infront of me and I'm being pushed towards it. I kind of want to end off on a good note with everyone from highschool. I don't want anyone to hate me, but I know I can't fix several years worth of damage by putting on a smile and hugging them like I mean that I'll miss them. Maybe it's best not to try. I'm also coming home, and all the people that are seniors this year will have graduated as well, and I'll not know where to look for them....I just feel that I'm losing all the people in my life, even if I am getting a few of them back, I still feel like I've lost them somehow.
The 18th of June is nearing, and the bracelet on my arm is a reminder that I need to get out there and live my life to the fullest for those who can't anymore. I'll be cooking and the bracelet will heat up and I'll forget about it and when I put my hand down, the hot metal touches my skin and burns me and most likely I'll have been having a bad day or something since my stepmum always makes me cook when ever my day has been the worst,and the heat will remind me that it can't all be that bad and that at least I'm living and can feel the heat on my skin. Sometimes I wish it had been me, cause the idea of resting like that just seems so appealing, but then I know that I'm far too curious to give it all up, and I have duties that I have to keep. As long as I keep that in mind, I'll strive to make up for it all. He left me a responsibility, and I can't let either of them down. No matter how far apart we are, as long as I have this bracelet and our love, we'll still have a connection. I dunno what he's going to do on the 18th...I wish I could be there with him cause I know he'll spazz. I will also have been out of school for a year on the 18th...not a good day either way. This past year has seemed to run in 18's...the 18th of each month, or the day before or after has brought something...but maybe that's me making things happen on that day...I dunno. Either way, I'm sorta scared for both the 13/14th and the 18th of this month to come along. I wasn't supposed to make it to 18, but I did, and now I'm going to have to make the best of it or so it seems.
It's time to start over. I've picked up and started over so many times that it's getting to be insane, but one more time may prove to be the one I've been looking for. I've gon in a circle, and it's bringing me back home. The very place I for so long took adventures away from, I'm making an adventure to come back to...This should be interesting. Let us see what happens, shall we?
Love
T<3
Graduation is Monday...For some reason, this graduation feels more real than my own graduation felt. I kinda don't want to go. I don't want it all to end. I hold my breath hoping that it's all just a dream, but my lungs start to hurt and I realize that it isn't. Life is rushing by and I'm standing here watching it blur and occasionally reaching out to grab at this or that and finding my arm ripped to the point that it should come off, so I am forced to let go and become a lone stander in this ever moving world. I'm not ready to let them go. I know I need to. I've known that since I graduated.I know this time will really be the last. I didn't care about my senior class at this school. If I was still in the states, I would have cared, but I was here and I hung out with the seniors of this year and the seniors of the year before me...not my own class...This time will really be the last time we will ever all stand in the same room together. The last time I'll ever deal with those people I couldn't stand. The last time I'll be able to hug some people that I'm sure I'll never see again. Last time to hack as a group, last time to make jokes and remember old parties and stuff with the group. Thank God they aren't graduating in the same place I did last year. It'll be the last time I have to put on the mask I wear every time I'm around all those people I guard myself from while shielding those I need to protect from them. My last chance to tell some peeps how I feel about them. I heard my dad telling the lady who was staying with us that when we come over seas, all the kids know it's a temporary thing. They all know that the friends are temporary and that the living situation is temporary, and yet for kids coming back from overseas, it's the hardest move they will make, cause being over here, they know they will probably never set foot back here again or see the people from here again, especially if those people are natives to the country. He said that 7 times out of 10 the kids want to go back overseas and find lives over there cause they just can't get used to living back in America anymore.I wanted to tell him that it's true, that this is a fucking hard move for me to make cause it just seems so hopeless. It feels like a vast empty space is opening up infront of me and I'm being pushed towards it. I kind of want to end off on a good note with everyone from highschool. I don't want anyone to hate me, but I know I can't fix several years worth of damage by putting on a smile and hugging them like I mean that I'll miss them. Maybe it's best not to try. I'm also coming home, and all the people that are seniors this year will have graduated as well, and I'll not know where to look for them....I just feel that I'm losing all the people in my life, even if I am getting a few of them back, I still feel like I've lost them somehow.
The 18th of June is nearing, and the bracelet on my arm is a reminder that I need to get out there and live my life to the fullest for those who can't anymore. I'll be cooking and the bracelet will heat up and I'll forget about it and when I put my hand down, the hot metal touches my skin and burns me and most likely I'll have been having a bad day or something since my stepmum always makes me cook when ever my day has been the worst,and the heat will remind me that it can't all be that bad and that at least I'm living and can feel the heat on my skin. Sometimes I wish it had been me, cause the idea of resting like that just seems so appealing, but then I know that I'm far too curious to give it all up, and I have duties that I have to keep. As long as I keep that in mind, I'll strive to make up for it all. He left me a responsibility, and I can't let either of them down. No matter how far apart we are, as long as I have this bracelet and our love, we'll still have a connection. I dunno what he's going to do on the 18th...I wish I could be there with him cause I know he'll spazz. I will also have been out of school for a year on the 18th...not a good day either way. This past year has seemed to run in 18's...the 18th of each month, or the day before or after has brought something...but maybe that's me making things happen on that day...I dunno. Either way, I'm sorta scared for both the 13/14th and the 18th of this month to come along. I wasn't supposed to make it to 18, but I did, and now I'm going to have to make the best of it or so it seems.
It's time to start over. I've picked up and started over so many times that it's getting to be insane, but one more time may prove to be the one I've been looking for. I've gon in a circle, and it's bringing me back home. The very place I for so long took adventures away from, I'm making an adventure to come back to...This should be interesting. Let us see what happens, shall we?
Love
T<3