an actual post
well... lets see. Apparently, tiffa doesnt want me to post about missing her or anything about the way i feel about her anymore. It seems i am trying to get everyone, even her own mother to turn against her. If you feel i am trying to do that. let me know. Im just writing about whats on my mind and how i feel. She went as far as to say she starts to wish she never went out with me. We havent spoken since. that was like a day after the post about me mising her. I do love her. she said it for a reason i dunno but i know she is making the right decision. Im not for her. I will always love her though. Most of you have seen the scar on my chest by now. I know most should figure out why i did it when i say it was for personal reasons. In case you havent then this is why. I gave all i had to tiff. she plunged a dagger deep within my heart. My heart is scarred. It is also a reminder to never trust my heart to someone again. I used to know i would never get hurt because i would never love. It happened anyway. The love, the hurt. I guess i take love to seriously. Now, even if i feel something for another girl. Ill never tell them i love them. Dont get me wrong. im still looking for someone to be with. I will just be more careful. Maybe when i find her she can mend the chasm in my heart. I enjoyed the pain as i cut myself. The blood was beautiful. Sound like a cutter? who cares.
Lets see... Finally got a job. Shit pay, good hours and good people. Strange but good. The work isnt hard even though i do in variety like skills of 6 or 7 different people. Finally have some money. Maybe get my truck fixed soon.
Found out my grant is still good and i can go back to college the next semester if my truck is running right by then. So i wont be making shit cash forever.
No more being a bum. I hate how i had to rely on being supported by josh and amber. I am thankful for it but i wish they wouldnt have. I wont be weak any longer.
Parties. more parties. more often. Drinking alot now. Maybe ill be blessed with alcoholism. I have been finding peace and pleasure at the bottom of the bottle. It is nice to forget. even for a few hours. Mostly now i drink to have fun though. being round women and friends. Got my ye on a few people to date. Got a few numbers from last weeks party. I dont love any of them. dont know if i can love them or any other woman. But i am tired of hurting. tired of being alone. What do i have to lose. My heart? it is gone.
Last party was fun. Terra's bday party. She spiked my drink for me. Then lots of stuff happened. It ended. went with taz, kirstan and some gay guy to his house to drink. Massages happened. passing out of people on me too. then we went to adventure park at like 4 am. The sandy part was flooded and it was pouring rain. We didnt care. we played in the water, rain, sand, and it was funt o just not have a care in the world. Strange feeling. and being there was one of the few times i didnt think about tiff at all. I think about her all the time. like what i did. what would it be like if we never broke up. how i could have said some things differently. every little thing and aspect of everything about her and us. It is like weight off my shoulders. I want to forget. forever. if she says it was a mistake. then it was. and i dont want to relive it in my mind forever.
Been hating people ever so much more lately. Getting better at pretending to like them too. The glee in my eye as i murder all that trust me and respect me will shine brighter than the sun. People are ignorant and foolish as a whole. People expect you to be like them. The funny thing is. no matter what you are normal. It doesnt matter if you are goth, a noncomformist, preppy, a bitch, maniac, whatever. you are still part of society. If it exists in more than one place, it is normal. Just because it is different. you still see it. Just because it is strange, people still represent it. All people live, die, breathe, having problems, expierience life. Nvm. dont feel like going into detail. not finding the right words at the moment. Be another part of society like me. I cut up and play around. joke, try to be funny. As before. it is a mask. They wont see me coming. Even if they think they will. even if they know i would do what i will do. They wont know all the same.
Lets see... Finally got a job. Shit pay, good hours and good people. Strange but good. The work isnt hard even though i do in variety like skills of 6 or 7 different people. Finally have some money. Maybe get my truck fixed soon.
Found out my grant is still good and i can go back to college the next semester if my truck is running right by then. So i wont be making shit cash forever.
No more being a bum. I hate how i had to rely on being supported by josh and amber. I am thankful for it but i wish they wouldnt have. I wont be weak any longer.
Parties. more parties. more often. Drinking alot now. Maybe ill be blessed with alcoholism. I have been finding peace and pleasure at the bottom of the bottle. It is nice to forget. even for a few hours. Mostly now i drink to have fun though. being round women and friends. Got my ye on a few people to date. Got a few numbers from last weeks party. I dont love any of them. dont know if i can love them or any other woman. But i am tired of hurting. tired of being alone. What do i have to lose. My heart? it is gone.
Last party was fun. Terra's bday party. She spiked my drink for me. Then lots of stuff happened. It ended. went with taz, kirstan and some gay guy to his house to drink. Massages happened. passing out of people on me too. then we went to adventure park at like 4 am. The sandy part was flooded and it was pouring rain. We didnt care. we played in the water, rain, sand, and it was funt o just not have a care in the world. Strange feeling. and being there was one of the few times i didnt think about tiff at all. I think about her all the time. like what i did. what would it be like if we never broke up. how i could have said some things differently. every little thing and aspect of everything about her and us. It is like weight off my shoulders. I want to forget. forever. if she says it was a mistake. then it was. and i dont want to relive it in my mind forever.
Been hating people ever so much more lately. Getting better at pretending to like them too. The glee in my eye as i murder all that trust me and respect me will shine brighter than the sun. People are ignorant and foolish as a whole. People expect you to be like them. The funny thing is. no matter what you are normal. It doesnt matter if you are goth, a noncomformist, preppy, a bitch, maniac, whatever. you are still part of society. If it exists in more than one place, it is normal. Just because it is different. you still see it. Just because it is strange, people still represent it. All people live, die, breathe, having problems, expierience life. Nvm. dont feel like going into detail. not finding the right words at the moment. Be another part of society like me. I cut up and play around. joke, try to be funny. As before. it is a mask. They wont see me coming. Even if they think they will. even if they know i would do what i will do. They wont know all the same.